SparkleKitty

COD, your son will adapt to one of you not being home. What's harder to unpack is years of having an unhealthy relationship and alcoholic behaviors (that get progressively worse) modeled for him in the home and thinking that that is what is normal. He, and you, will be okay.

Westexy

COD - My heart is truly hurting for you today. A couple of things - Absolutely nothing you do during this process is necessarily permanent - not even a divorce. Secondly, sure your son is sad when one of you isn't home. That will be something he has to deal with and hopefully BOTH of you will be healthy enough to support him in processing his sadness. Your child will experience much worse and more complex emotions if he is exposed to active alcoholism on a daily basis, and sorting out how to process those things often destroys families multi-generationally and often never reaches a place of peaceful resolution.

Challenger2013

Every time you post, I realize how similar our situations are.
My STBXAW told me during a counseling session on Wednesday that if I insist on being the Primary Residential Parent, that we will have a contested divorce. I asked her if she really wanted to leave that up to a judge to decide based upon her DUI with DS in the car, two failed stints of rehab, etc.

It’s things like this that make me sometimes second guess my decision. But I remember all of the horrid arguments he’s heard, and I know it’s just a toxic environment he’s lived in the last 3+ years.

Don’t back down my friend. Once you (and I) are on the other side, everyone will be much happier.

CentralOhioDad

Oh, and contested it will be!! AW lost a child while she was with an abusive Ex, and has never quite gotten over it (and who could). So she treasures DS7.... But then I think - if she treasured him SO MUCH that she says she would die without him, wouldn't she make more effort to be present 24/7 than she is most nights when she's passed out somewhere?

Westexy

COD - Treasuring a child is easy. They're adorable and sweet. Treasuring a child is natural. It's the hard damn work and heroic battles that are involved that not every adult is equipped for - you are though and you can do this.

FireSprite

Well, it IS going to be sad & difficult for him no matter how perfectly you manage it. Maybe it will help to start working on Accepting that part now too?

And hey - give the boy some credit, he's still growing & maturing & you may just find that your fears are largely unfounded.... he may settle in to the "new normal" with surprising speed. Kids are capable of SO much more than we give them credit for, don't sell him short just yet.

Once we made a significant change like this, I was shocked at the stuff DD started sharing (& she was younger than your DS is now). While she didn't know the words just yet, the examples & stories she shared once she felt safer about opening up clearly showed me how she's been "stuffing" feelings as a human knee-jerk reaction already at such a young age.

It IS going to be difficult but that doesn't make it wrong. Think about it this way instead - you're potentially giving him a fighting chance at learning how to manage all of this with grace from early in life & possibly avoiding a lifetime of therapy & pain. How could things be different for your AW now if someone had done this for her then?

FireSprite

After years of infertility & 2 years of treatments with a specialist, YES, a million times YES!... but there's that illogical thing about addiction again.....

CentralOhioDad

He is a smart kid, and very sensitive as well. I know he does NOT like it when he thinks there is any sort of arguing - he goes into 'fix it' mode and tries to act silly to diffuse the situation. A codie already??

AW's parents would just get mad at each other, stop talking to each other, and make AW act as the go-between for communication! Her dad enables her mother in many ways, and I don't want to be like him.

FireSprite

One last encouragement & then I'm out for an afternoon full of appts...

Another awesome part is that this translates to every part of THEIR lives just like it does ours -

Yesterday DD came home a bit twisted about gossipy girl crap going on in her circle of friends. And like always with teen girls, it's likely a lot of inference, sensitivities & miscommunication as much as anything... but rather than sit with the discomfort & swallow her feelings about who-said-what, she went in this morning prepared to gather all parties into the same place to discuss what was said & how it was said..... she uses less technical words but the way she talked about it all shows me she recognized the dangers of triangulation & wanted to stop it before it got any further.

I'm amazed at how brave this feels to me - at her age I wouldn't have been anywhere close to this emotionally mature & capable of identifying what I was feeling, never mind have a clear idea of how to manage it. I'd be more likely to accept the discomfort, reduce or eliminate those friendships & let it be another brick in the wall of how I was "not enough" somehow.

FireSprite

Yes - this is definitely a sign of people-pleasing habits developing!

Hawkeye13

I did the same thing growing up in my alcoholic home.
My mother used to call me the "little oil can" because
I was always trying to fix the trauma / drama in my home.

I hated the fighting, and now at age 53 I still sleep with a pillow on my head.
I used to do it to try and drown out the screaming.
It did impact me forever.

lizatola

Oh, wow, I'm sorry. That sounds awful. I grew up in a home where there was no talking or arguing. My mom just ignored my dad and he sat around and ignored all of us.

COH.......how are things going this weekend?

Hawkeye13

Thanks liz--it is what it is. My mom had a set a pipes on her you could hear a mile away

Yes, how are you COH? This is a really tough time so be sure to post when you could use a bit of support

AnvilheadII

I know, deep down, that AW grew up in a household with addiction, and it very much F'ed her up, and that is the LAST thing I want for DS. But at the same time, I know how much he loves the two of us, and is sad when one of us is not home.

DS already has and is growing up in an alcoholic home, fraught with drunken rants and adults fighting. he already knows something ain't right with mom and feels in his small childlike way that he is somehow responsible. of course he loves you both....you are his parents, the only ones he knows.

his mother is not safe. she does not have his best interests at heart, she has her own best interests at heart.....doing what SHE wants, the rest of you be damned.

CentralOhioDad

It was 'alright', I guess. DS had a great weekend singing in the church choir, that boy loves to sing!

We were on our way back to church yesterday for an Advent service, and I asked a question about something and she snapped at me pretty good. I calmly responded that my question was simple and that her response was inappropriate - especially since DS was in the car. Well, he got all quiet and then mentioned how we fight too much.

Getting back to the "talk talk talk" comments from the other day, I've been trying to work in small, simple discussions about feelings, communications, and that it's not his responsibility to 'fix' people or situations - he is in charge of his own feelings and responses. We usually do this at night after we say prayers and he's settling down to sleep.

I also told him that sometimes parents have to make very difficult decisions in life, and that no matter what decisions daddy makes at any point in the future (divorce), I'm only doing it for the good of the family, and especially in the best interests of DS. There may be many things he may not understand now, but as he grows things will start to make sense.

Thanks to you all.

COD

dandylion

COD.....just a word of caution....be careful about any wording that might lead him to extrapolate that he might be a part of the problem....I am just trying to say to make it clear (when the time comes)....that the problems are between you and your wife and not him.
(like when you say that the decisions you make in the future will be in his best interest)....he may think that it is BECAUSE of him.
I know that the difference is very subtle...but, kids of his age are so inclined to think that any problems are their fault......

We adults are almost always guilty of underestimating how much our kids know about what is going on in their environment....they are l ike little sponges.
They may not understand the reasons...and, they may not be able to articulate their feelings and concerns (yet)...but, they can sense, in the air, when something is wrong....
Even when they don't witness or hear arguments...they are astute at registering body language, patterns, tones of voice, moods, and facial expressions....
You may be surprised that he will not be as shocked as you anticipate that he will....
I found, that, when my kids were young....they often did not say how they felt...straight out,,,but, over time, they would ask me a question, or a comment that would let me k now that they were thinking about things.

for example...after a weekend with their father...I learned not to ask them any questions or make any comments...they HATED any questions...even simple ones....but, as the week wore on...they would talk about the visit...in bits, in their own time.....

hopeful4

Dandy...I completely agree with this. Interesting that my child also does not talk about time at dads, but tells me things as time passes through the week. I have learned not to press and ask questions, and just to listen when it happens.

You learn with time, that's for sure.

CentralOhioDad

Been following the "talk talk talk" advice. Not sure if it's sinking in, but I'm yapping! (Not easy for a die-hard introvert!)

Talked with DS's school counselor yesterday and told her that I have an appt. next week, so at least she is prepared to help him once we tell DS. She has some books she can give him/us to read about coping, feelings, etc.

Challenger2013

I had to explain to DS’s teacher, guidance counselor, and after school teacher about his mother’s DUI and how he was in the car at the time.

Once we break the divorce news to him, I’ll make that call again. Fortunately I’ve found that a number of kids in his class have gone through the same thing in the last year or so, just not because of an addiction.

firebolt

Good job, COD...I don't think you can build too big of a soft cushion for you both to land through this!