Wife is alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Wife is alcoholic
I normally post in the Alcoholism section because I am a recovering alcoholic.
After 27 years of drinking every single day, I am now 13 months sober. I am very active in AA and church.
My dilemma is my wife. She is still an active alcoholic. We met in a bar 23 years ago and drank together for over 20 years. In 2013 I attempted to get sober - didn't drink for 4 months - and we almost split up over me quitting. I started drinking again to save the marriage, as sick as that sounds. I then spent 3 more years in alcoholic misery.
This time it is different. My sobriety comes first. I refuse to go back to drinking. My wife knows she has a problem, but thinks she can fix it her way. She gets drunk most nights - after a severe binge she may ease off heavy drinking for awhile but eventually goes overboard again.
This is putting a real strain on our marriage and my patience. My AA sponsors tell me either she will join me in sobriety someday or we will grow apart. They also suggest Alanon - my mother was in Alanon for 12 years because my father is an alcoholic so I know what it is all about.
My wife has the mentality that she works hard so she deserves a drink to unwind. But she always comes up with an excuse to drink. I know the game - I played it for decades. She feels that I am the bad guy because I changed and got sober - so why should she change just cause I did.
Once she starts getting drunk I leave the room; it makes for a lot of loneliness. It is no way to live in a marriage.
Thanks for listening - I could go on and on but I am sure you have all heard this before and may be living the same nightmare I am.
After 27 years of drinking every single day, I am now 13 months sober. I am very active in AA and church.
My dilemma is my wife. She is still an active alcoholic. We met in a bar 23 years ago and drank together for over 20 years. In 2013 I attempted to get sober - didn't drink for 4 months - and we almost split up over me quitting. I started drinking again to save the marriage, as sick as that sounds. I then spent 3 more years in alcoholic misery.
This time it is different. My sobriety comes first. I refuse to go back to drinking. My wife knows she has a problem, but thinks she can fix it her way. She gets drunk most nights - after a severe binge she may ease off heavy drinking for awhile but eventually goes overboard again.
This is putting a real strain on our marriage and my patience. My AA sponsors tell me either she will join me in sobriety someday or we will grow apart. They also suggest Alanon - my mother was in Alanon for 12 years because my father is an alcoholic so I know what it is all about.
My wife has the mentality that she works hard so she deserves a drink to unwind. But she always comes up with an excuse to drink. I know the game - I played it for decades. She feels that I am the bad guy because I changed and got sober - so why should she change just cause I did.
Once she starts getting drunk I leave the room; it makes for a lot of loneliness. It is no way to live in a marriage.
Thanks for listening - I could go on and on but I am sure you have all heard this before and may be living the same nightmare I am.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Congratulations on your sobriety Doug39. I don't think your wife deserves a drink, but she definitely has the right to drink. And you have the right to live the kind of life you want to live. It's not a betrayal on your part. You have a right to live a healthy and happy life. I think I read somewhere here when I first joined that marriage is a commitment, not a suicide pact and that really hit home with me. I have always believed in the lifelong commitment of marriage, but I don't think that means that spouses get to behave however they choose with the expectation that the other person take it. Yes, maybe you are the one who has changed, but it sounds like you have become healthier. It sounds like you and your wife have different values now and that is hard to live with as a couple.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Originally Posted by keepingthefaith 
Have you been to Alanon yet? 
Honesty is a big part of my recovery so I don't want to lie about my whereabouts. She gave me a hard enough time when I started AA.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
And in that is a conundrum... how to be honest with yourself, your own recovery, when sacrificing that for the sake of "keeping the peace"?
This would be a great subject to bring up with Higher Power, sponsors, at meetings...
Very glad you're here. Things are about to get a whole lot better! It may be tough at times, but with what you've already accomplished and the great network of support you've already started to build, it's going to keep working out better and better.
Alanon is simply a different way of applying the 12 steps to your life. This isn't about your wife. This is another support group for you... for your recovery.
KTF
This would be a great subject to bring up with Higher Power, sponsors, at meetings...
Very glad you're here. Things are about to get a whole lot better! It may be tough at times, but with what you've already accomplished and the great network of support you've already started to build, it's going to keep working out better and better.
Alanon is simply a different way of applying the 12 steps to your life. This isn't about your wife. This is another support group for you... for your recovery.
KTF
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
I just refuse to be present when my wife is drinking, including social events. She knows she has a problem but has all the excuses. No easy answers here. We don't hang out with friends that often.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I used to have the same logic as your wife Doug - I never drank because of hard times, it was always a reward and a way to destress after work. Now its a cup of tea and too much sugar.
I don't have any great insights for you. I can't tell you about A logic because you are familiar with that. It's hard for both of you to be at different stages, but she can only tread her own path in her own time. You've sat her down and talked from the heart?
I don't have any great insights for you. I can't tell you about A logic because you are familiar with that. It's hard for both of you to be at different stages, but she can only tread her own path in her own time. You've sat her down and talked from the heart?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
It was important that I worked on my
recovery program first and foremost
before tackling other life issues because
if I didn't have a strong solid foundation
of steps and principles to guide me in
many of life's situations then I wouldn't
have anything.
Meaning..... if I didn't learn how to remain
sober under all circumstances then id surely
return to my addiction to alcohol and end
up either institutionalized, hospitalized,
or dead.
No marriage, no job, no home, no life, no
nothing. Period.
So I did continue to work and incorporate
the AA program of recovery handed to me
in rehab and learned in the rooms of many
meetings listening, learning, absorbing and
applying all that was needed to help me remain
sober, healthy and honest.
Along with the support of AA and my
faith in my HP, Higher Power, God of
my understanding, teaching and up bringing,
eventually after 25 yrs marriage to a
non alcoholic and many yrs sober, my
prayers were answered, not in my time,
but in my HP's time, and was granted
a ticket to return to my hometown of
Baton Rouge and peacefully end our
marriage.
I did the footwork necessary and the
rest was left in my HP's hands for courage,
willingness, guidance to help me make a
move that surely would never have happened
if I was still stuck in my addiction.
Today, I am happily remarried for about
9 yrs, another awesome gift received in
recovery with continued maintenance
in sobriety for 27 yrs.
All I can do is share my ESH with you
of what my life was and is like before
during and after my addiction to give
you hope needed at this time in your
life that if I, like many who do the footwork
in recovery can and will be taken care
of in many of life's baffling situations,
then so can you.
recovery program first and foremost
before tackling other life issues because
if I didn't have a strong solid foundation
of steps and principles to guide me in
many of life's situations then I wouldn't
have anything.
Meaning..... if I didn't learn how to remain
sober under all circumstances then id surely
return to my addiction to alcohol and end
up either institutionalized, hospitalized,
or dead.
No marriage, no job, no home, no life, no
nothing. Period.
So I did continue to work and incorporate
the AA program of recovery handed to me
in rehab and learned in the rooms of many
meetings listening, learning, absorbing and
applying all that was needed to help me remain
sober, healthy and honest.
Along with the support of AA and my
faith in my HP, Higher Power, God of
my understanding, teaching and up bringing,
eventually after 25 yrs marriage to a
non alcoholic and many yrs sober, my
prayers were answered, not in my time,
but in my HP's time, and was granted
a ticket to return to my hometown of
Baton Rouge and peacefully end our
marriage.
I did the footwork necessary and the
rest was left in my HP's hands for courage,
willingness, guidance to help me make a
move that surely would never have happened
if I was still stuck in my addiction.
Today, I am happily remarried for about
9 yrs, another awesome gift received in
recovery with continued maintenance
in sobriety for 27 yrs.
All I can do is share my ESH with you
of what my life was and is like before
during and after my addiction to give
you hope needed at this time in your
life that if I, like many who do the footwork
in recovery can and will be taken care
of in many of life's baffling situations,
then so can you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
This would be a great subject to bring up with Higher Power, sponsors, at meetings
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
You've sat her down and talked from the heart?
She prides herself on being strong and self sufficient; as a teenager she raised herself as she took care of her dying mother, her first husband left her a widow at age 22 with a son to raise alone, and she has always took care of business for others.
She doesn't want to look weak and face the fact that she needs help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
My exhusband was the alcoholic in our 26year relationship. Although there was a time I was quite content to be his drinking buddy. That changed when I realized how serious his problem had become. He was quite threatened when I would no longer drink with him. I changed the dynamic and that scared the crap out of him.
He tried white knuckling sobriety after a few extremely bad incidents and of course that didn't work, and then he tried AA, but he never committed, never got a sponser, never worked the steps ( I must say though, he was a better person when he was attending meetings) The back and forth dry drunk/ fall off the wagon circus went on for a few years. I managed to play my part of the big old crazy-codie-clown to perfection. It was awful.
When I could no longer function as a human being due to the extreme anxiety disorder I had developed, I started getting help. I learned to detach and erect healthy boundaries and he became even more emotionally volatile, not just with me but with himself as well. I think he knew he was losing me before I even realized I was leaving.
He searched for his answers at the bottom of countless bottles of vodka. I searched here at SR, I read everything I could get my hands on, I did some alanon online, I made healthy lifestyle choices that helped me get focused on MY life and recovery. As far as I know he is still looking for life's answers in a bottle. I' have moved onward and upwards.
He has a right to drink himself to death if that's the choice he wants to make. He also always believed it was his due. He worked hard dammit, he deserved a drink! Or 20.
I on the other hand, have the right to not want to deal with active addicts in my life. I feel I deserve a happy and peaceful life. For ME that was never going to happen had I stayed married to an active alcoholic.
Congratulations on getting sober and fighting to stay that way. I have great respect for those that display the strength to battle back their demons.
I am sorry your wife is making unhealthy choices and that you are being negatively affected by her drinking. I know you have a lot of tools in your tool box, I hope you use them to steer clear of her chaos.
I know how hard and heartbreaking it is to watch someone you love making such bad decisions. Stay strong.
*hugs*
He tried white knuckling sobriety after a few extremely bad incidents and of course that didn't work, and then he tried AA, but he never committed, never got a sponser, never worked the steps ( I must say though, he was a better person when he was attending meetings) The back and forth dry drunk/ fall off the wagon circus went on for a few years. I managed to play my part of the big old crazy-codie-clown to perfection. It was awful.
When I could no longer function as a human being due to the extreme anxiety disorder I had developed, I started getting help. I learned to detach and erect healthy boundaries and he became even more emotionally volatile, not just with me but with himself as well. I think he knew he was losing me before I even realized I was leaving.
He searched for his answers at the bottom of countless bottles of vodka. I searched here at SR, I read everything I could get my hands on, I did some alanon online, I made healthy lifestyle choices that helped me get focused on MY life and recovery. As far as I know he is still looking for life's answers in a bottle. I' have moved onward and upwards.
He has a right to drink himself to death if that's the choice he wants to make. He also always believed it was his due. He worked hard dammit, he deserved a drink! Or 20.
I on the other hand, have the right to not want to deal with active addicts in my life. I feel I deserve a happy and peaceful life. For ME that was never going to happen had I stayed married to an active alcoholic.
Congratulations on getting sober and fighting to stay that way. I have great respect for those that display the strength to battle back their demons.
I am sorry your wife is making unhealthy choices and that you are being negatively affected by her drinking. I know you have a lot of tools in your tool box, I hope you use them to steer clear of her chaos.
I know how hard and heartbreaking it is to watch someone you love making such bad decisions. Stay strong.
*hugs*
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