Thrown it all away
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
Thrown it all away
Hi everyone,
Having a tough time. My bf just did 30 days at rehab.
He came back looking healthier, happier and stronger than I've even seen him and I just had the best week of my life, feeling loved, secure and positive about the future.
Then yesterday, exactly a week after his return, he went out to run some errands and went awol for hours.
I knew what had happened even before he got home, he'd been drinking. When he came back he was apologetic and full of guilt and self-loathing. Once he had sobered up a bit he promised he'd realised how stupid he'd been and that he was not about to throw away everything he's been working for in rehab.
Fool of the year that I am, I believed him.
This morning, while I was out on the school run, he walked to the shop and got himself a bottle of whiskey. He was drunk by 9am.
We talked briefly about it, no arguing just a talk about how he was feeling and why he'd done this (he said he had no idea why and that it wasn't a response to any particular negative emotion, but rather a physical impulse he seemed powerless to resist)
He then left for the day, went to visit his mother and then to see his probation officer. I barely heard from him all day and when he did contact me, he seemed extremely depressed, understandably.
He hasn't come home, saying he is gonna crash with his mother tonight, but I can't really be sure that's where he is I guess.
I gave him an ultimatum, sort it out or get out of my life. No response yet but I don't see it going how I want it to.
What really makes it so painful for me is that he could have seen this as a small lapse, rather than a full on relapse. He didn't have to give up on himself straight away but it feels like that's what he has done, they way he spoke earlier, it's obvious that he has gone straight back to feeling like a lost cause and is ready to just give up and throw his whole life away and I know there is not a single thing I can do to help him with that.
I'm so sad and alone, I feel like a fool for believing in him and it currently doesn't feel like anything is ever gonna be ok again.
Having a tough time. My bf just did 30 days at rehab.
He came back looking healthier, happier and stronger than I've even seen him and I just had the best week of my life, feeling loved, secure and positive about the future.
Then yesterday, exactly a week after his return, he went out to run some errands and went awol for hours.
I knew what had happened even before he got home, he'd been drinking. When he came back he was apologetic and full of guilt and self-loathing. Once he had sobered up a bit he promised he'd realised how stupid he'd been and that he was not about to throw away everything he's been working for in rehab.
Fool of the year that I am, I believed him.
This morning, while I was out on the school run, he walked to the shop and got himself a bottle of whiskey. He was drunk by 9am.
We talked briefly about it, no arguing just a talk about how he was feeling and why he'd done this (he said he had no idea why and that it wasn't a response to any particular negative emotion, but rather a physical impulse he seemed powerless to resist)
He then left for the day, went to visit his mother and then to see his probation officer. I barely heard from him all day and when he did contact me, he seemed extremely depressed, understandably.
He hasn't come home, saying he is gonna crash with his mother tonight, but I can't really be sure that's where he is I guess.
I gave him an ultimatum, sort it out or get out of my life. No response yet but I don't see it going how I want it to.
What really makes it so painful for me is that he could have seen this as a small lapse, rather than a full on relapse. He didn't have to give up on himself straight away but it feels like that's what he has done, they way he spoke earlier, it's obvious that he has gone straight back to feeling like a lost cause and is ready to just give up and throw his whole life away and I know there is not a single thing I can do to help him with that.
I'm so sad and alone, I feel like a fool for believing in him and it currently doesn't feel like anything is ever gonna be ok again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I'm sorry this is happening to you, and to him. Stupid, infuriating disease.
I went through the yo-yo effect of AXH drinking , not drinking, waiting for him to screw up again dance for years, it sucked. It's exhausting.
My heart goes out to you. *hugs*
I went through the yo-yo effect of AXH drinking , not drinking, waiting for him to screw up again dance for years, it sucked. It's exhausting.
My heart goes out to you. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
It's probably not going to go the way you want. I bet it rarely does, that's why there are so many of us on here trying to help each other and/or figure it out.
It's up to him if he wants to go all the way with sobriety. I don't wish addiction on my worst enemy.
As for you, don't beat yourself up about caring for someone and trying to be supportive. The thing is, you still have to look out for yourself and make sure you're ok. Being a partner to someone with an addiction is very difficult.
It's up to him if he wants to go all the way with sobriety. I don't wish addiction on my worst enemy.
As for you, don't beat yourself up about caring for someone and trying to be supportive. The thing is, you still have to look out for yourself and make sure you're ok. Being a partner to someone with an addiction is very difficult.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
Thanks everyone, just had a surreal and harrowing conversation with him.
He finally text me saying he loves me and he's gonna sort it all out etc, a few seemingly normal back and forth texts then suddenly he stopped making any kind of sense... talking inappropriately dirty at first and I told him to stop cuz I was trying to be serious, then just weird one word answers that didn't correspond to what I was saying.
He then suddenly said 'you lied to me' then stopped replying to any of my messages asking what on earth he was talking about. I called him about 10 times before he finally answered and he just kept saying stuff like 'why do you hate me?' and 'I love you babe stop being silly' in a stupid voice, refused to even acknowledge that he'd accused me of lying, let alone explain himself and then he just went quiet as if he'd passed out so I had to hang up.
He finally text me saying he loves me and he's gonna sort it all out etc, a few seemingly normal back and forth texts then suddenly he stopped making any kind of sense... talking inappropriately dirty at first and I told him to stop cuz I was trying to be serious, then just weird one word answers that didn't correspond to what I was saying.
He then suddenly said 'you lied to me' then stopped replying to any of my messages asking what on earth he was talking about. I called him about 10 times before he finally answered and he just kept saying stuff like 'why do you hate me?' and 'I love you babe stop being silly' in a stupid voice, refused to even acknowledge that he'd accused me of lying, let alone explain himself and then he just went quiet as if he'd passed out so I had to hang up.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Oh dear. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with such weird behavior. Who knows what's causing it, but it isn't your fault or your responsibility to get him back on a more normal path.
It's good that he accessed help in the form of rehab. Only time will tell whether he decides to pull out of the downward road he's on or not. Waiting to see is really hard, but I think it's the only thing you can do right now.
It's good that he accessed help in the form of rehab. Only time will tell whether he decides to pull out of the downward road he's on or not. Waiting to see is really hard, but I think it's the only thing you can do right now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Upsidedown.
Very sorry for your situation.
Your SO isn’t ready.
If I were you, I would turn my phone off and think about what you are going to do next.
I hope you have support in the form of friends and family?
Very sorry for your situation.
Your SO isn’t ready.
If I were you, I would turn my phone off and think about what you are going to do next.
I hope you have support in the form of friends and family?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 12
Whenever my XABF started in on the nonsensical texts, I knew he was drunk and not worth having a conversation with.
Sorry you're going through this -- I just recently broke up with mine, asked him to move out...and he said he was ready for sobriety. Unfortunately, he's already had a relapse in his new place. I don't know what the future holds for him, but the more space I get from him -- the less stress I'm carrying in my life. I promise it does get easier.
My mantra for now is "My life is mine." Do what makes you happy, makes you smile, and try to get away from the stress in any little ways you can... even if it's just taking a bath with some music. Be good to you, and know you aren't responsible for someone else's decisions. Hang in there.
Sorry you're going through this -- I just recently broke up with mine, asked him to move out...and he said he was ready for sobriety. Unfortunately, he's already had a relapse in his new place. I don't know what the future holds for him, but the more space I get from him -- the less stress I'm carrying in my life. I promise it does get easier.
My mantra for now is "My life is mine." Do what makes you happy, makes you smile, and try to get away from the stress in any little ways you can... even if it's just taking a bath with some music. Be good to you, and know you aren't responsible for someone else's decisions. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 34
Hugs... I was in your place not to long ago. It’s a lonely helpless feeling. I’m sorry you are going through this. The only advice I can lend is don’t bother trying to make sense of anything he says right now because it’s crazy making to try to understand what they mean when they are like that there is often times no reasoning behind it and they rarely even remember it the next day.
I wish I had more to offer to comfort you. I’m sorry you are going through this.
I wish I had more to offer to comfort you. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Uosidedown.....I am giving you a link to an article that is a good yardstick to judge where he is in relation to recovery (or not).....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 79
Thanks for the link, an interesting read.
This relapse has come as such a shock, mainly because I didn't see any red flags. He went to the rehab, he got sober, he came home and was doing well, keeping on top of his commitments, continuing the new routine he'd picked up while he was away. He seemed to genuinely be doing great with it.
I did hear from him one more time after the phone call. Hours later he just text me saying 'Friday' in response to my questions about why he thinks I've lied to him. I replied saying that I still don't understand but I didn't hear back, so I've been awake for hours trying to work out what he means. It's ridiculous because I know that the chances are that it's nonsense and he doesn't mean anything at all.
But I value my integrity and honesty and I just can't stand to be accused of lying. I get the feeling he is trying to blame me for the relapse, that something might have happened on Friday that upset him and he used it as an excuse to drink. But I don't know what that 'something' could be and I certainly know I didn't lie to him then or ever.
Sorry to go off into such great detail about all this, I just don't have anyone I can talk to about it. I've managed to isolate myself from my family because they have never trusted him in the first place and if I talk to them about this, I'll be met with 'I told you so' and they will refuse to hear anything more about it. The only way I can ever open up to them about this is if I'm certain it's over with him and that I'm never going back, because once they hear about it they won't forgive him, even if he did get sober and stay that way forever.
This relapse has come as such a shock, mainly because I didn't see any red flags. He went to the rehab, he got sober, he came home and was doing well, keeping on top of his commitments, continuing the new routine he'd picked up while he was away. He seemed to genuinely be doing great with it.
I did hear from him one more time after the phone call. Hours later he just text me saying 'Friday' in response to my questions about why he thinks I've lied to him. I replied saying that I still don't understand but I didn't hear back, so I've been awake for hours trying to work out what he means. It's ridiculous because I know that the chances are that it's nonsense and he doesn't mean anything at all.
But I value my integrity and honesty and I just can't stand to be accused of lying. I get the feeling he is trying to blame me for the relapse, that something might have happened on Friday that upset him and he used it as an excuse to drink. But I don't know what that 'something' could be and I certainly know I didn't lie to him then or ever.
Sorry to go off into such great detail about all this, I just don't have anyone I can talk to about it. I've managed to isolate myself from my family because they have never trusted him in the first place and if I talk to them about this, I'll be met with 'I told you so' and they will refuse to hear anything more about it. The only way I can ever open up to them about this is if I'm certain it's over with him and that I'm never going back, because once they hear about it they won't forgive him, even if he did get sober and stay that way forever.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Oh, my friend, please do not tie yourself in knots defending yourself against an accusation from someone who is in all likelihood drunk and only interested in deflecting attention from that.
Please consider getting some real life, face to face support. If not your family, then Al-Anon or a counselor. He is not the only one who needs recovery.
Please consider getting some real life, face to face support. If not your family, then Al-Anon or a counselor. He is not the only one who needs recovery.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Upsidedown23
But I value my integrity and honesty and I just can't stand to be accused of lying. I get the feeling he is trying to blame me for the relapse, that something might have happened on Friday that upset him and he used it as an excuse to drink. But I don't know what that 'something' could be and I certainly know I didn't lie to him then or ever.
Sort of like children in a playground "You took my toy!", "Yeah, well you're a big dodohead!"
Get it? It has nothing to do with who you are actually.
I hope you can arrange some face-to-face support for yourself. You deserve it, and you deserve to feel peace and joy!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
UPside......Try to remember that when they are talking trash like that, they are most always "blackout" drunk....and won't remember anything....or very little, the next day. Meanwhile you are immersed in pain from the soul sucking things that they said or did....
As Sparklekitty said.....don't do that to yourself, anymore.
Aro und here, we call the garbage that spews out of their mouths as "Quacking"....
Talking to an intoxicated person is, basically, a waste of breath....
As Sparklekitty said.....don't do that to yourself, anymore.
Aro und here, we call the garbage that spews out of their mouths as "Quacking"....
Talking to an intoxicated person is, basically, a waste of breath....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 635
I am so sorry you are in this situation Upsidedown23,
I also would not wish addiction on my worst enemy. none of this is your fault.
I was in a meeting once where a girl was drunk and drinking on the meeting right after the same day she got out of a 5 day hospital detox. Alcohol is baffling cunning and powerful.
If i were you i would put distant and cut all ties this will probably get worst if ever get better and he would need to change his entire live if he wants to stop.
you deserve a healthy relationship and some peace you are not the one drinking
i wish you both luck.
I also would not wish addiction on my worst enemy. none of this is your fault.
I was in a meeting once where a girl was drunk and drinking on the meeting right after the same day she got out of a 5 day hospital detox. Alcohol is baffling cunning and powerful.
If i were you i would put distant and cut all ties this will probably get worst if ever get better and he would need to change his entire live if he wants to stop.
you deserve a healthy relationship and some peace you are not the one drinking
i wish you both luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I've managed to isolate myself from my family because they have never trusted him in the first place
He sounds like he is doing what alcoholics do, alcoholics who want to keep drinking.
How did he end up in rehab? Was it his choice to go or was he pushed into going with ultimatums or the law or other reasons besides he himself making the decision all on his own that he wanted to stop drinking and that he needed help in order to do that.
Relationship ending are painful and it hurts, but not as painful or hurtful as being the 3rd party in a relationship with someone who already is very involved in another relationship (alcohol). We can heal from a broken relationship but we can’t heal while we remain in one.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Upsidedown23 
This relapse has come as such a shock, mainly because I didn't see any red flags.
During the relatively short time you have been with this person it seems like you have experienced a similar number of ups and downs with his drinking and "recovery" as some of experienced during years with our qualifiers. It seems like if you didn't see the red flags over this, it might be because you desperately want this person to be more committed to recovery than he has ever demonstrated that he is.
I say this with all love and gentleness because I have been in your shoes, but I wouldn't wish the pain I experience fighting against what was right in front of me on anyone. This shows no evidence of getting anything but more and more painful for you. I know you love him, but love is simply not enough to turn someone into the person you wish they were.
Sending you hugs, strength and courage to see this situation for how it really is and now how you wish it was.
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