Xia

UD, I'm very sorry you're going through this. Reading your post feels like a movie that I've been an actor in too with my leading XABF. It's particularly hard when they're "sweet" (I love you, I don't want to lose you, you're the best thing in my life, look I just fixed your car/house/etc.) and when they look at you with remorseful sad eyes, and admit they screwed up...and we think he's different than "other" alcoholics. Reading on here now for a few months, including your post, and I realize - oh no, they are not different. My ex would be so sweet during his "white-knuckling" attempt at sobriety and then within a week, two, days, hours there would be a 2x4 whack with meanness and things that made no sense and then when he was out of steam, silence (the "I'm blacking out now") and no accountability the next morning because he doesn't remember. And what I learnt, very painfully over time, was that he really believes (and I will never be able to correct his conviction) that if he doesn't remember then it must not have happened. So, these cycles of hollow promises and professed love, relapse to alcohol, apologies, then the nonsensical attacks, followed by convenient amnesia and then the final insult - "hey, nothing happened, let's do this again " - it's simply futile.
Don't be duped by the sweetness. It's not that it's not there but it's powerless against the disease.
Hugs, strength and much warmth to you, UD.
I walked away, I hurt and cry every day still, but I have no regret over my decision, for it was the only one for me. Stay strong.

LostinLB

Please try to get to an Al-Anon meeting, especially since you are feeling isolated and can't talk to friends and family about it. You will find people who have been exactly where you are and you can just speak about it, get it off your chest, and nobody is going to judge you. You can just speak about your pain and for me saying it out loud to others is very healing. It's like some of the turmoil actually gets released from your body instead of walking around with it churning inside you all day.

I enjoy reading on this forum and I learn something about myself every single day from others stories. Most of my friends don't know anything about addiciton/alcoholism so I find myself needing to "edit" the details and justify my feelings or why I was sticking it out and then listen to terrible advice from people who have never been on this road. That does you no good. Find people who understand what you are going through, this is a great place to start, but please give al-anon a chance so you don't feel so isolated.

Thinking of you. xoxo

Upsidedown23

Thank you all. I really appreciate the kind words and advice.

I feel so lost, so does he. He is so incredibly low at the moment and I'm worried for his safety.

I just can't take the silences. When he is feeling really down, he isolates, stews in his own juices for hours. We usually see each other a lot and speak frequently on the phone or via message, but when he is like this I only hear from him once he has succumbed and had a drink, he finally calls me after hours of no contact, apologising and asking for help.

During the periods of no contact, I tell myself 'this has to stop, you're better than this' etc but every time I do finally hear from him, I know I'll just drop everything and do my best to help him. I can't seem to find the inner strength to resist.

I've just come back from a weekend trip to visit a friend and I couldn't bring myself to enjoy the time to myself, because ultimately I knew he was at home slowly killing himself with the drink and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

You're right, I do need to go to some kind of AL Anon meeting or similar, I've looked into where they are held locally but I'm lacking in confidence with 'trying new things' etc and I haven't quite found the courage to actually attend one.

Maudcat

Hi, Upsidedown.
We all deserve to be with someone who loves and respects us all the time, not just once in a while or when we are sober.
Please don’t settle for this relationship. You are worth so much more.
I am an Al-Anon true believer. I learned so much about how to cope with a loved one’s addiction, and how to deal with other aspects of my life that I can’t begin to describe.
Go to a meeting. You can just sit and listen. No one will force you to say anything. You can leave at any time.
Good luck.

Berrybean

I have heard of many relapses by folk who think that rehab along is the answer. Thing is, recovery doesn't take 30 days. Or 30 weeks. Or even 30 years. We only get to keep our healthy sobriety for as long as we are willing to keep working on it. The people I know who rehab made a difference for are those who made immediate attempts to establish a recovery support network. Got a home group. Committed to service. Asked someone to sponsor them. Continued where they left off when they left the rehab building.

None of us are ever recovered as in cured. We just do the work needed to keep is IN recovery rather than in active addiction. It takes some folk a few goes to accept that this is true, and more of a rock-bottom than you're allowing him to sink to.

I suppose you just need to decide what you want to do while he is trying to learn this, and waiting to see it he'll decide to give sobriety a proper, wholehearted, I'll-do-whatever-it-takes-kinda-go or if he decides he'd rather stick with the booze.

Prayers for you. Both.

BB

Seren

I am sorry for your pain. It is awful to watch someone we love be so very self-destructive.

My stepson frequently feels very sorry for himself. For years, well-meaning family and friends stepped in to clean up after him, to comfort him when he had done yet another thing to mess up his life. But this we keeping him stuck...a child waiting for others to care for him.

As hard as it was, we all finally let go. We let him live his life for himself, did not interfere, did not run to comfort or fix. After all, we aren't going to be around forever.

He still struggles, still makes poor choices, still somehow manages to find women who will take care of him. Unless and until that finally ends, he will stay on his current path because he has no reason to change. We the family, however, have stopped stepping in. We tell him we love him every chance we have, but beyond that...he receives no aid from us.

I hope you can learn to detach for your own sake--and his. You have our support!