Fresh breakup from cocaine user...Desperate for some understanding..
 

Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum. I must've read hours worth of stories on addiction everyday for about a week. I wasn't sure if my story would fit the criteria of an addiction, but i'm hoping some of you can help me on that and help me see the many faces that substance abuse has. I'm typing here, on my laptop, one week post breakup to a wonderful man who I found out was a cocaine user...
I met him over 4 years ago through mutual friends. He was 22 and I was turning 25. He was considered the typical "bad boy", who smoked weed regularly, had a wild teenage life (used recreational drugs, exstacy, etc when he was 18, but stopped a few months later), very social, incredibly goofy, but extremely kind hearted. I was brought up in a pretty traditional European household, had never been in a relationship before, let alone gone on a date until then, not because I didn't want to, but because I thought I would wait until the perfect match came along. He was brought up in a VERY open household where no topic was left untouched. Well, you can guess that after months of him pursuing me (which I kind of enjoyed), we began to date and eventually fall madly in love with each other. Our friends were baffled at this since we were complete opposites, but nonetheless they were happy that we were happy, and happy that I was turning into a good influence on him).
Fast forward to 2 years later, our relationship was passionate and full of love, he told me he never felt this way about anyone before, and I believed him since he was never into public displays of affection with his past girlfriends, and here I am and he's worshiping me like a goddess to all his friends and family. We did have our ups and real downs however. I had caught him in a few lies in the past, most were non drug related, and it tore me to pieces. from then on, my mood changed and I started to question him daily about anything. It was not good for us. But he still tried, he still tried to make me regain trust in him, so he reassured me and told me everything I wanted to know. Even then a few little white lies would slip (Ie I found out he used cocaine once at a party, he was drunk, and they decided to go to a park in the middle of the night. Cops caught him and they found 7 tinh baggies of cocaine in his pocket. I was absolutely furious and angry. he was terrified and did not even think to touch it ever again)
Last year, something unexpected happened. His father passed away suddenly of cardiac arrest. This was the most traumatic event that had ever happened to him, understandably so, as they were so close. His father was a great man, extremely poetic and wise. He had a cocaine addiction in the past when he first met my ex's mother, and had an angina attack at 26 from cocaine use. His father was always scared for his son, mainly because he knew his suffered had addictive and impulsive tendencies just like him at his age, so he tried to help him steer clear of it all, which he successfully did, as my ex did not want to suffer in the same way his dad did.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, I had found out that my now ex had been abusing cocaine since his father's death. And part of me feels so incredibly bad for him, but another part me is furious. After his dad's death in Early January, things didn't go easy for him. He was forced to move out from his family home (he lived with his parents, because of the insane debt he had collected in the past, particularly from a DUI in 2013 and that most recent event with the cocaine in the park) and find an apartment, find a second job (total of 65 hrs work) to afford his place, pay his debts, etc. all this 3 days after his father passed away. He didnt have time to grieve for the loss of his father, but i didn’t think it would turn into this downward spiral.

About 2 months ago on a vacation we were having together, he had told me that he would be seeing a social worker to help deal with his grief and “messed up thoughts and impulses” to which i knew exactly what he was talking about. I pressed him on it, saying he could tell me if he was using but he just denied, and insisted that it was only thoughts of using that he needed to control, but that he hadnt used. He also said that what goes on in his life is his business and its him who has to deal with it and no one else.It was a very messy argument, lots of crying and him basically raising his voice at me telling me I don't trust him, everything he does doesnt seem good enough, blah blah. We made up about an hour later, he reassured me that he would give me that one thing i had always and ONLY asked in a relationship: honesty/communication. When we came back from our vacation, he began to see his counsellor, which I thought was great.

He called me almost a month ago crying hysterically one morning telling me not to judge him, but that he took cocaine all night, went into his workplace, stole thousands of dollars from the cashes and went to the casino. He went back and forth from his work to the casino 3 times that night.

It was then that i found out he had been in fact using and doing this on multiple occasions... According to him, he had done cocaine about 10-12 times since his father's death. 4 of those times he would act impulsively and do crazy things like go to the casino and gamble. but the other times, when he felt alone in his apartment, he would just do coke, and play video games alone to ease the loneliness. The worst was that his mother and brother and best friend knew months before, but I didn't because he feared he would lose me.
The most heartbreaking was that he had denied it months before when i asked him if he did.

That was his breaking point. That was his realization. So a few days later, his counselor suggested AA meetings,and since then he has been actively attending them. Although the healing process is fairly fresh, he’s finally looking up, and planning for a better him.
For next few weeks, I had to separate myself from him for a little while, let me think what I need, and want. He would try so hard to try to regain my trust back, even make me download a tracking app so his mother and I could keep track of where he was at night. He would say he wanted to move hours away from here, to get away from his bad contacts and start fresh, and that he wanted me to join. I couldnt do that, as much I love him so incredibly much, I couldnt just leave my job and family and friends for something that was so unstable at that point.

And now let's take it back to last Wednesday, I asked to him in person. By then, I was very hot and cold about where I wanted to go with him. I still loved him so much, and wanted to hope for the best and move on thinking it would be the last time, but at the same time, I knew that I would be even more insecure, and scared and untrusting. I wasnt sure what to do. He met me at the coffee shop, and we sat and he told me with a shaky voice that him and I werent working anymore, and that he was incredibly sorry for everything he put me through and that I deserved so much better than he could ever give me. I sat there and nodded. I didnt cry, I just stared at him and said "i agree". That night felt like a relief for me, i was finally out, finally free from my worst fears, But the next day and the week after that, Ive been a COMPLETE MESS. Even though I feel like I made the right decision, I feel incredibly empty, and this overwhelming feeling of absolute pain and sadness. I sometimes feel like maybe it was a mistake to not leave, but then I remembered that he technically broke up with me.

I'm just in so much pain. Days seem to be the worst for me. i'm not able to function at work, Im just constantly thinking about who hes with and if he is even thinking about me. He has a great support system and he always keeps himself busy, but i have only a few friends and although they help me A LOT, especially on the weekends, I still feel empty.

My story may not as heartbreaking as the stories I have read in these forums, and to be honest, I don't even know if it would be classified as an addiction or a user, since he would do it once a month, but incrasinly to every 3 weeks in the last 3 months...but all I know is that I'm hurting so bad and I really dont know what to do..

How could he lie to me so easily? How could he see the pain and tears in my eyes as I would talk to him about it and he would just say " you still have a hard time believing me dont you?" I feel so numb. I just want this breakup pain to go away...

If someone else's substance abuse is a problem for YOU then you ARE in the right place no matter whether they are an addict or not. This safe place isn't about THEM, it's about you and how you feel and react to the situation you find yourself in. I am glad you found us. I hope you stick around.

I am sorry you are feeling so much pain right now, break ups suck no matter what.

Almost every single addict will lie and then manipulate your feelings when you don't trust them any more. Like it is somehow your fault that they lied so much you can't believe a word out of their mouth any longer... I'm very sorry you've had to experience this. I know first hand how awful it is. I lived it for many years.

I don't have any magical advice to make the pain go away. It takes time, usually much more time than we want it to.

*hugs*

Hang on, you will get through this. You did the right thing.

I think if he was saying he did it three times, you can safely quadruple that and probably still add on a few more times.

I'm glad you've decided to break away. Unfortunately the only cure for a broken heart is time...and maybe a hot bath and popcorn. Many hugs.

Heya Lost, welcome and you are so absolutely in the right place.

Going through this kind of break up is beyond painful and the healing takes way, way too much time.

When I was going through it sometimes I just took each day 10 minutes at a time as that was all I could handle . . . . and I would just keep telling myself that each minute brought me closer to healing.

Thank you for you kind words. I feel like i’m the only one in the world who’s experiencing this yet I see that MANY have been in my shoes before.
I think the problem with me is that now that it’s over, I can’t stop thinking about him. I literally cant stand the thought of him being with someone else, let alone just for casual sex. I don’t know if he is, but am I the only one who has felt crazy in that respect? It would feel like an almost betrayal for our history, sven though it’s completely irrational to think that. It’s hard to thjnk about me right now.. it gets better when im with friends, i get to see their perspective and it definitely helps, but i cant take it with me. Sometimes I think that I wished I saw the signa earlier.. we never lived together, but when i would go over, he would sometimes have these crazy “allergies” that antihistamines wouldnt fix. His “arguing” would be different. Before he would get a bit frustrated, but we would share our feelings and end with an i love you. Towards the end, when he would see me cry, it would sigh and say “ OKAAAY what did i do NOW?” . When we broke up, he also told me that he loved me very much, but that he wasnt IN love with me anymore.. and that it was just comfortable, with no spark now. i was just in awe. He said he finds me beautiful, still physically and sexually attractive and loves me dearly, but not sure if he was in love. I remember when i had that feeling too last year, i asked him about it, and he would just say “well of course its not gonna be like how it was when we first met babe, we’re comfortable, its completely normal!” I didnt know any better and i thought it was true, and i grew rather fond in knowing that.

I guess time will slowly heal my wounds, but God does it ever hurt.. i hate that i ruminaye in my thoughts. I feel like it would be so much more better if i could disassociate from my brain sometimes

Yeah, it's normal to try to think up alternate scenarios and woulda-coulda-shouldas but it's just the aftermath of a breakup. People leave for all kinds of reasons. This was yours and it is a good reason.

You did the right thing.

I survived my ex sleeping with other women, getting in a new relationship and you will too. I was actually glad someone else had to deal with his ish instead of me. He won't magically be better for the new woman. It wasn't nearly as painful as I built it up to be in my head. It wasn't even painful! Better her than me, I say.

Hi LostBirdie,

Welcome to SR, you are in the right place and I think you find a lot of information to help you understand your ex and what was going on.
My ex and I broke up a few months ago after 11 years together and the last 6 of those were his addiction progressively getting worse and I couldn't seem to walk away. I applaud you for walking away (even if you didn't technically do the breaking up). I encourage you to focus on you and allow yourself to grieve. It took me months to start feeling better, but because I really grieved and allowed myself to hurt and cry and feel desperate and alone and all the horribly sad feelings of letting go of someone I loved dearly and all the dreams I had for us, today I feel happy and strong. I know you are in a lot of pain, but I promise you it will get better and you will feel better one day. I found it is in these moments of pain that I would talk myself into going back, minimizing the addiction and believing he would get better - all the times he told me he would.
I hope you can keep your strength when I could not.

One thing I want to address, you said
My story may not as heartbreaking as the stories I have read in these forums, and to be honest, I don't even know if it would be classified as an addiction or a user, since he would do it once a month, but incrasinly to every 3 weeks in the last 3 months

To me his behavior absolutely qualifies as addiction, please don't be in denial about that. What he is admitting to is probably a small fraction of what he is actually doing. Your story might not be as bad as what you read on here, but it will get there, the disease is progressive and only gets worse unless he stops forever and embraces real, lifetime recovery - not just sobriety. Trust me, you do not want to continue on the journey of addiction, it is ugly and will take both of you to places you can't even imagine.

I wish you the best during the painful time - sending you strength and love.
xoxo

Sending you a big hug.

Sweetie, you did the right thing and I’m soooo grateful you were so smart and didn’t uproot your entire life to follow his addiction out of town. That is a really typical denial mechanism for addicts, it’s called a “geographic.” It doesn’t work. Nothing on the outside works—recovery is an inner job.

Yes, it hurts terribly. I’m so sorry for that. But it will get better in time.

Ice cream helps.

Have another hug.

Hi Lost,

Sorry this happened to you. It sounds like he has a lot of problems he is running from / trying to hide from you. It also sounds like you are completely aware of this.

As others have said, it will take time but you will be ok. Try not to focus too much on all the "good" stuff. There is a reason you have been pulling away, try to focus on that.

Make sure you come back to this at some point. The man pushes you and pushes you by lying to you repeatedly about his cocaine use (and who knows what else he's using) and when you get repeatedly upset, he gets upset? He gets short tempered? He is put out by you talking about it?


Of course you did and when he said that he was probably in a better mind space. What is (probably) more accurate is when you started to pull away because of his repeated lies and cocaine use he sensed that. Now he can feel that distance. Did he look inward and say hmm, maybe the pleading, crying, conversations she wants me to have are because of my lying and drug use?

No. Sounds like he is just a bit fed up with someone trying to hold him accountable (not your fault). In this relationship, as you have mentioned, you have always talked things out. This is different, this is his drug use and he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm just guessing here of course, you know him, but is this someone you want to be around anyway? Someone who dismisses your feelings like that?

Eventually you will get angry. Embrace that anger (just don't get stuck there, you will know when it's served its purpose). It will move you out of this.

In the meantime, the thoughts will come, you are probably feeling a bit scared too. Try not to be, you will be ok. As you ruminate you might want to try journaling some of that, even just open notepad on your computer and start writing our negative things he did. The number of times he used, the number of times he had "allergies", weird behaviours, abusive behaviours etc. When you are feeling low (or anytime you start to dwell) open up that document and read it.

Be kind to yourself. Try not to isolate. Watch an entire netflix series, start playing tetris, order your favourite meal, get a manicure, meet a friend or family member for dinner. Come here and post.

Thank you all so so much. LostinLB, your story really got to me. I was in that phase of “oh this addiction is not so bad, not compared to others” for a while now. I know I made the right decision, but honestly I wish i could fast forward this all. I don’t know if it’s because he was my first love, and first ever boyfriend that is making it even more painful, but i knew that i couldn’t live a happy life with someone who was doing drugs. To be honest, i think i wouldve “dumb down” or “lessen” the issue even more because of how he would talk about it. His family are extremely supportive and loving but sometimes i got the feeling that they would just baby him and lessen the severity of the situation like it was no big deal. (note: his mother went through this with his dad)

His mother took over complete control of his finances early this hear so that he could save some money, pay his debts, and rent. He had no debit or credit and relied only with a small allowance for food and gas money. He still somehow managed to take money from his account through e-transfering money from his bank app to pay for his coke. When his mom got worried, she called me, but i never guessed it was that, he would admit to me that he would use his pay pass to by junk food. I believe now that his mother was trying to tell me something.. Nonetheless, i feel like i made the right decision and take it for what it was and not what it WASNT. I Think id rather suffer through the pain acutely now, than suffer years of this in the future with him.


I’m wondering something though... he always did have ADHD, even as a child. Hes extremely impulsive (as you read), difficult time remembering things, unable to keep a steady job (max 1 year was his longest... he mustve gone through at least 10-12 different jobs since i met him) and has incredible hyperfocus. Could that predispose someone to develop addiction?

As I read these threads, all i can think about is:
-Im not living with him, if i was, id probably be in debt too.
-Im not married to him nor do i have children with him, so i guess in some respect i’m “lucky”.
-with his constantly changing low paying jobs, i wouldnt get the life i dreamed of; stability and a decent place.
-i would just be constantly worried and nagging about everything.

I know my decision was the best i could make, even if it was him breaking up with me. But i made the choice to not put up a fight this time. He told me he had to focus on his recovery and not me or the relationship which i understand, but i think i’tll get better soon.

WOW. Thank you for this. This is exactly how Ive been feeling. You are right about him too, he is very hot tempered and he openly embraces that. For some reason, he’s proud of it because his father was also a hot tempered man. So strange..

I don't think you're going to figure him out.

I had to work on my family of origin problems, my own patterns so this doesn't happen again. In the past I tried to jump in without really getting to know someone first. I desperately wanted to be loved since I didn't have a present father (divorce) and my mother was super detached to the point of being completely checked out. "Daddy issues" are common with codependent women, but non-availability (emotionally) is practically an epidemic with men.

None of us can get in someone else's head. I would say focus on you. Every relationship ends with a million questions that will never get answered, and I found that examining my own patterns was the only way through.

I could not then and cannot now control someone else, but I can slow down my involvement levels and not repeat my same mistakes. I can go into things with men VERY slowly, and I do. Much less hurt that way.

You're welcome. You know it's funny what people cling on to as being desirable traits because it's how they have been brought up.

I knew a guy once that said he believed in women having a more traditional role. I think what he wanted to say is stay in the kitchen and i'll tell you what to cook (but knew he couldn't go there!).

"He was forced to move out from his family home (he lived with his parents, because of the insane debt he had collected in the past, particularly from a DUI in 2013 and that most recent event with the cocaine in the park) and find an apartment, find a second job (total of 65 hrs work) to afford his place, pay his debts, etc. all this 3 days after his father passed away."

So, it sounds like his mother threw him out?

"You are right about him too, he is very hot tempered and he openly embraces that. For some reason, he’s proud of it because his father was also a hot tempered man. So strange.."

Not so very strange. How many people use external features, family history or minuscule portions of ancestry to excuse bad behavior? "I'm a redhead, I have a temper [and I can't control myself. Because, you know, I'm a redhead] I'm Irish, we all drink." [even if he's only 1/128th Irish.] Being like his dad isn't such a stretch.

The end of a romance hurts. Always. I agree he's going to avoid anyone who'd try to hold him accountable. Of course you'll grieve: it's the loss of the romance, the loss of the dreams you had together. When I got dumped (about your age, and it was the first boyfriend I'd had, too) every time I started to miss the guy, I thought about a time he'd lied to me, hurt me, been a jerk.

Velma929, he wasn’t “kicked” out of the house necessarily, but when his father died the house had to be sold and his mother was going to live in a1 bedroom condo on her own and start afresh. She thought that him moving out would encourage him to be more independant and grow up a little. I guess it did to a certain extent, but i guess it didn’t at the same time.

You’re right about the traits, i didn’t really see it that way at first. Everytime he would complain or become got-tempered, his mother would always say “you remind me of your father” and he always accepted that.

It’s been a week today since the official breakup. I still think about it, the “in-laws” i lost, the family dinners, the kisses on the neck and the morning wake up texts, and cheesy one-liner jokes.. I take each day at a time, but still no appetite, the only time i have an an appetite is late at night, and i can only take a few bites until i start to feel sick.

I just have hope in knowing that things happen for a reason, i guess since this was my first love, that i’m at this stage of grief where “ no one can compare to the chemistry we had, no one can be or say the right things he did” . But then i realise that that isnt the reality of it. I must give it time, let myself heal, and take the relationship for what it was: based on strategically placed lies and truths to throw me off of what he was actually doing.

Hi LB

I am very sorry for your situation.

Just so you know you are far from being alone. Your story while unique to you & very sad has a lot of common elements as does every story on this forum. My story is posted on this forum. Its about my relationship with an active addict. There are most definately common elements shared with your story.

My seperation from her happened back in June of this year. It was done by my choice not hers. I understand how you feel. I am still going through it all now. I am better now than what I was back in June. Time does help.

Please try to keep the reality of it all at the forefront of your thoughts. Fantasy thinking concerning a relationship with someone in active addiction leads to problems. You have to focus hard on the reality. Additction is progressive & addiction is exttremely desctructive. You, like me, have been touched by addiction.

There is a great deal of support on this forum. Support from caring & knowledgeable people. Peole who have experienced a life with an addict.

Please take care of yourself.

he stole THOUSANDS of dollars from his place of employment.....and why? to use and gamble. that is not the trait of a WONDERFUL person, or a MISUNDERSTOOD person, that is the trait of a selfish, out for themselves, consequences be damned person.

i'm glad you are out. i don't care who blinked first. things were likely to get much much worse for you if you had stayed in his orbit. it sounds like he was always using something, the entire time. and he is FAR from being done or ready to consider recovery.

it hurts. but it will pass.

My AH is addicted to cocaine. He says he doesn't have a problem, because he only does it every 3 weeks, yet he owes the government for 10 years of unpaid taxes, his credit is ruined, he stole money from me, stole jewelry from his parents, he pawned his wedding ring, etc...

Cocaine really changes people and it was very hard for me to accept that. I really hoped and believed him when he said he doesn't have a problem. I also felt I was blowing things out of proportion and making things bigger than they are, but things have gotten worse and worse and the biggest decision I had to make was to look at myself in the mirror and accept the cold reality.

Things will get better. We feed on energy from those around us and addicts suck everything healthy out of our soul. It will take some time to recharge, but things will get better. Work on yourself.

Wait. Are you married to my Ex? If so, so sorry. I'm dying to ask you his name, :lol:

I’m sad.
 

So I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years. We are both in our mid 20s. He got himself involved in a dui and for possession of a controlled substance about 2 years ago. However he did not learn his lesson after going to jail twice and he broke probation many times because he would fail alcohol and drug test. He still continues to drink and I don’t know if he does drugs still he admitted to me he did but not how many times, he was always so secretive and he would always get mad and offended when I would question things. Our relationship turned into fighting and arguing all the time. I would blame myself because I was always on him on the look out if he was doing things behind my back because I had caught him many times. I just simply didn’t want to feel like I couldn’t trust him so I would look for things to reassure me he wasn’t doing anything but every now and then he would do something that reminded me of a time he lied and A fight will happen. I felt horrible in the relationship because I didn’t believe him and he was also tired of that. I was always there for him I tried to be a good example And to motivate him to change so we could start a life of our own but he never showed any initiative. he would always say things that he was going to change but his actions showed different. I feel really sad because I left and I don’t know if I made the right decision .it’s been 2 weeks and he still hasn’t reached out to me the last thing he said is that he wanted to marry me and have kids with me and that he was going to focus on himself and In becoming a better man... I didn’t reply I am really broken.