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He went to Rehab, but I'm sad

Old 11-20-2017, 06:14 PM
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He went to Rehab, but I'm sad

Long story short, I am a male (28), who has been dating a another male (29) for the past 4.5 years. Approximately two years ago, his drinking got really bad. Several suicidal incidents and emergency detoxes later, following an intervention consisting of family and friends, he finally agreed to go to a Rehab in Florida which his mother chose (we live in NJ in separate homes).

It has been approximately two days and I am extremely sad, confused, and worried. I have set up a therapy session, I am channeling my feelings into exercise, and work, but nothing is enough.

One thing that enrages him is when I speak with his mother, because it makes him feel we are working against him. Well, long story short he left extremely angry with me and didn't even look at me during nor after the intervention. He left to Florida without a goodbye--not even a text. A week before that, we had our biggest fight ever, where things got physical for the first time. He initiated the entire exchange, for my part, I slammed him on the ground after he choked me and punched me while he was extremely intoxicated. I usually have great restraint but I lost it after weeks of trying to convince him go to rehab. He is super sensitive but I said some terrible terrible things that night. I also called the police twice within that final week to try and have him committed after finding suicide notes and ropes etc. He said, all of this was unforgivable. We made up, or so I thought, but then a few days later he reiterated that it was unforgivable and that he needs to "think about this relationship". I was devastated, but I told him to just go, don't think, because it's over until he enters recovery. This was partly because I knew his mother was planning an intervention, and this way I didn't feel bad about attending behind his back.

My concern is that when he gains sober clarity, he will hate me, not forgive me, and stay in Florida. I am clearly not innocent, but after years of tip toeing around and allowing him to talk to me any sort of way, lie, cheat, and manipulate me, I feel that one night of reacting to his alcoholism is forgivable with a rational mind. I guess I'm just here to gain a better understanding and hopefully find someone who understands this sort of situation. I used to speak to him every day, now I don't know when I will hear from him again. This is so painful. He is no doubt detoxing right now, so I won't even have a chance to hear from him for 3-10 days.
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Old 11-20-2017, 08:32 PM
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Welcome Zweauxy. From your story it sure seems like you belong with us. Many condolences.

As you have noticed being involved with an alcoholic is beyond beyond painful. Good on you for trying a therapist. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right one.

You might also try an Alanon meeting. Another group that could be helpful. I never went the Alanon route myself but it has saved more than a few lives.

Finally please get all the support you can. Being in the situation you are in is beyond difficult and painful. Post here. Spend time with supportive friends. Go to counseling and basically circle all the wagons. This is tough stuff you are facing.
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Old 11-21-2017, 01:02 AM
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Hello zweauxy, geez that all sounds incredibly traumatic, particularly your last fight. It also sounds like your partner has been spiraling for years to the point where his life was in danger. That is hell to watch. If you spend time reading around this forum you'll find others who watched, or are still watching the same tragic behavior.

The physical violence - that can be exacerbated by drinking, certainly, but I think it needs to be addressed as its own issue, in therapy, by both of you, whether or not you reconcile. It's really good you have a therapy appointment set up.

because it's over until he enters recovery.
This really is the bottom line. Hopefully he will embrace recovery but it will take time and be a difficult road for him. I gently suggest you prepare yourself for it going either way. Again, read around the forum. There are members who have achieved long-term sobriety with a tremendous amount of commitment and effort. It is absolutely possible.

My concern is that when he gains sober clarity, he will hate me, not forgive me, and stay in Florida.
This is just my opinion but if he gains sober clarity I truly doubt those things will happen. I think he'll be as sorry about the awful events as you are.

Hang in there friend, he's in the right place, getting the care he needs. You get the care you need, too. I know it's super hard to lose contact but it's probably a good thing to have this break for now.
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Old 11-21-2017, 01:59 AM
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Practice self care during this time. It's good he is in rehab but relationships can be toxic even if there's love. I also think he is in a dark place so that is causing him to unfairly lash out/blame you...
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Old 11-21-2017, 07:47 AM
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Hi, z.
Welcome.
Glad you found us.
I would try not to project too much just now.
Yes, it was a terrible fight and you parted in anger, on his part, anyway.
But he was drunk, and it sounds like you had just had enough.
He is in a safe place, and, hopefully, working on himself.
Take care of your self just now.
Enjoy the drama free zone you are in.
Take some time to really think about things.
You may find it better for you and your SO to be apart for a while.
Rehab is just the beginning.
He may come through and decide to live in a sober house.
We can’t know what the future brings for us.
Good luck.
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Old 11-21-2017, 07:26 PM
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Thank you all for your comforting words. This forums has already made a difference.

Additionally, I spoke with his mother earlier today; she was very comforting also. She helped me realize that there are parallels between his feelings toward her and to his feelings toward me. He was most angry at the two of us; the two of us were the most adamant about him getting help; he left without saying anything to either of us; we were the closest people to him before alcoholism took hold of him. By looking at these examples, I see a direct correlation to actively challenging his addiction and his negative sentiments. This makes me hopeful that when his number one "love" alcohol is pushed aside, he will see all that she and I have done for him.

I will likely use this forum for a long time to come regardless of the outcome. It has been an invaluable resource for my emotion recovery thus far. Thank you all again.
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Old 11-21-2017, 08:13 PM
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Welcome. I’m sorry for what brings you here but glad you’ve joined us.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 11-21-2017, 08:37 PM
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So glad you are finding this helpful Z.

I do hope that he embraces sobriety and recovery. What ever happens there will probably many changes ahead. The more you advance your own recovery, the better chance you have for future health and happiness with or without him.

Let us know how you get on. Big hug to you brave one.
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