The Holidays Are Here
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Aeryn, It's so good to hear from you, and wonderful to hear your exciting news! Keep us updated on your blessing! Happy Thanksgiving friend!
Originally Posted by Aeryn 
Ahhh...the holidays. I've been out of my alcoholic relationship since 2013 so I no longer dread them....actually I didn't even dread them at the end, I just got used to thinking of them as "just another day". To be honest I sort of feel that way now - and it's not a negative thing, it's just I don't place some sort of uber importance on what I am or am not doing for a holiday. I have plans to go to a male friend's family thanksgiving and I got invited to my ex's family celebration which I politely turned down (he sobered up after I left and we remained cordial but are two different people.....I digress....but just a thought for those thinking "if only he got sober...."). My family is far away and both my mother and father are passed, so I guess I've gotten kind of used to spending the day with friends or wherever....I've even spent a couple VERY RELAXING holidays alone and really it was "just another day".
All that said I have to change my holiday attitude starting this Christmas! After cancer, three surgeries, three egg retrievals, one failed implantation....I have a surrogate who is pregnant with my daughter!!! It's a REAL MIRACLE and I am so happy I can't even begin to explain. Her due date is December 24th....maybe that's my higher power's way of making sure Christmas is no longer "just another day"....LOL. Anyone curious can read my story but this little girl is truly a miracle and this Christmas is set to be the best one of my life. So I guess yes I do have big plans for Christmas - and if you'd asked me back in 2011 when I was enmeshed with my XRAH deep in codependency I never would have seen in coming.....oh and I forgot I also purchased my first house and have a beautiful nursery set up for my daughter....so I guess it is a truly Happy Holiday!
EDIT: I should explain....right after I left my XRAH I diagnosed with a very early cancer involving the reproductive system (it was stage 0 - so VERY EARLY). I had a surgery to get rid of the cancer cells but my fertility was at risk so due to my age and the surgery I went to a fertility doctor before the surgery (even though the OBGYN said I didn't need to). Well the OBGYN made an error during the surgery and I spent 9 months in pain in and out of the ER waiting for a specialty doctor to reverse the error. In the meantime I did three egg retrievals and used donor sperm (I'm in my 40s so this was necessary I had no kids and wanted them badly and had sacrificed them for my relationship...very codie). I then got the surgery to fix the error on the first surgery, it was successful but I was very damaged and chances of carrying were slim. I only had two viable embryos so I tried implanting one in me and it failed. My mom then passed....yes I had a bad year. I used the small amount of money she left me as an inheritance to get a surrogate to carry the one remaining embryo...a little girl....and the miracle happened!!! Here I am expecting a daughter.
All that said I have to change my holiday attitude starting this Christmas! After cancer, three surgeries, three egg retrievals, one failed implantation....I have a surrogate who is pregnant with my daughter!!! It's a REAL MIRACLE and I am so happy I can't even begin to explain. Her due date is December 24th....maybe that's my higher power's way of making sure Christmas is no longer "just another day"....LOL. Anyone curious can read my story but this little girl is truly a miracle and this Christmas is set to be the best one of my life. So I guess yes I do have big plans for Christmas - and if you'd asked me back in 2011 when I was enmeshed with my XRAH deep in codependency I never would have seen in coming.....oh and I forgot I also purchased my first house and have a beautiful nursery set up for my daughter....so I guess it is a truly Happy Holiday!
EDIT: I should explain....right after I left my XRAH I diagnosed with a very early cancer involving the reproductive system (it was stage 0 - so VERY EARLY). I had a surgery to get rid of the cancer cells but my fertility was at risk so due to my age and the surgery I went to a fertility doctor before the surgery (even though the OBGYN said I didn't need to). Well the OBGYN made an error during the surgery and I spent 9 months in pain in and out of the ER waiting for a specialty doctor to reverse the error. In the meantime I did three egg retrievals and used donor sperm (I'm in my 40s so this was necessary I had no kids and wanted them badly and had sacrificed them for my relationship...very codie). I then got the surgery to fix the error on the first surgery, it was successful but I was very damaged and chances of carrying were slim. I only had two viable embryos so I tried implanting one in me and it failed. My mom then passed....yes I had a bad year. I used the small amount of money she left me as an inheritance to get a surrogate to carry the one remaining embryo...a little girl....and the miracle happened!!! Here I am expecting a daughter.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
I'm struggling this year with the holidays - I'm really 'faking it until I make it" through them. If it wasn't for DS7, I would probably just ignore the whole thing. AW will probably get trashed tomorrow night, and again over Christmas - because that's what she does. Every holiday is the same - she disappears into the kitchen "to check on something", and before long her eyes are glazed over and she's making little sense because she's gulping down wine in the kitchen. Then I have to hurry up and put DS to bed before he sees her deterioration.
Such a sad existence.
But - awesome news Aeryn!!!
COD
Such a sad existence.
But - awesome news Aeryn!!!
COD
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 23
I'm back from my vacation trip abroad during which I checked in on SR here frequently to get me through on the rough days when my grieving beast of a heart (broke up with XABF 3 months ago) wanted to hide and cry and go nowhere. Thank you to all on SR who don't even know they helped!
And as I expected, landing back the week of Holidays-kickoff has been very tough. I had the best holiday season (our first) in decades with my X last year - I was so happy and content and finally felt I "had" it - the holidays I'd enviously watch through the windows of other's homes as I walked outside alone on so many thanksgivings and Christmases wondering if I'll ever have anyone to share it with. He made a big deal about our "first tree," and starting our legacy of ornaments and the stories we'd tell our children of their origins. He took me looking at rings, and silly, silly me started dreaming. His alcoholism hadn't quite progressed at that point to where naive me had any worry in my pretty little head of this growing demon inside him.
Fast forward to this year and I feel crushed. Just walking into any store makes me want to run to a bathroom and wretch. Smelly pine cones in the grocery store set me off yesterday - for he cheered over them last year and we took them home.
I have no idea how I'll get through these holidays. I don't want to turn on the radio. I've declined everyone's invitations - for I'm so tired of all my years of being the occupant of the charity seat at someone else's family celebration.
I wish there was an "off switch" to waking up and living some days in our lives. It would be switched off for the next few weeks.
Sorry for the despondent post. I suppose this was meant to be cheerful thread of hope. I came in this morning on here looking for something to help me start my day, and the title of the thread got me since it's the holidays I'm crying about.
I'm so very sincerely happy for everyone here who's having better holidays than they've had, or are resolved to make it so, or are stronger than I am in carrying through in good cheer even though it's tough right now. Love, hugs and warmth to the SR family.
And as I expected, landing back the week of Holidays-kickoff has been very tough. I had the best holiday season (our first) in decades with my X last year - I was so happy and content and finally felt I "had" it - the holidays I'd enviously watch through the windows of other's homes as I walked outside alone on so many thanksgivings and Christmases wondering if I'll ever have anyone to share it with. He made a big deal about our "first tree," and starting our legacy of ornaments and the stories we'd tell our children of their origins. He took me looking at rings, and silly, silly me started dreaming. His alcoholism hadn't quite progressed at that point to where naive me had any worry in my pretty little head of this growing demon inside him.
Fast forward to this year and I feel crushed. Just walking into any store makes me want to run to a bathroom and wretch. Smelly pine cones in the grocery store set me off yesterday - for he cheered over them last year and we took them home.
I have no idea how I'll get through these holidays. I don't want to turn on the radio. I've declined everyone's invitations - for I'm so tired of all my years of being the occupant of the charity seat at someone else's family celebration.
I wish there was an "off switch" to waking up and living some days in our lives. It would be switched off for the next few weeks.
Sorry for the despondent post. I suppose this was meant to be cheerful thread of hope. I came in this morning on here looking for something to help me start my day, and the title of the thread got me since it's the holidays I'm crying about.
I'm so very sincerely happy for everyone here who's having better holidays than they've had, or are resolved to make it so, or are stronger than I am in carrying through in good cheer even though it's tough right now. Love, hugs and warmth to the SR family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
We're here for you Xia. I really didn't intend for this thread to be cheerful necessarily, but maybe more thoughtful. Like, no matter what your current situation, what are you going to do to be good to yourself, particularly if it feels as if no one else is being good to you. I hope you can find some peace on your own, but some holidays just truly suck. Last year mine were terrible - crying in my closet with the door closed so my son wouldn't hear me. If these holidays are tough for you, I'll hope that you have skills to deal with them and that they pass quickly. On to next year and a new chance to feel better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by Xia
I'm back from my vacation trip abroad during which I checked in on SR here frequently to get me through on the rough days when my grieving beast of a heart (broke up with XABF 3 months ago) wanted to hide and cry and go nowhere. Thank you to all on SR who don't even know they helped!
And as I expected, landing back the week of Holidays-kickoff has been very tough. I had the best holiday season (our first) in decades with my X last year - I was so happy and content and finally felt I "had" it - the holidays I'd enviously watch through the windows of other's homes as I walked outside alone on so many thanksgivings and Christmases wondering if I'll ever have anyone to share it with. He made a big deal about our "first tree," and starting our legacy of ornaments and the stories we'd tell our children of their origins. He took me looking at rings, and silly, silly me started dreaming. His alcoholism hadn't quite progressed at that point to where naive me had any worry in my pretty little head of this growing demon inside him.
Fast forward to this year and I feel crushed. Just walking into any store makes me want to run to a bathroom and wretch. Smelly pine cones in the grocery store set me off yesterday - for he cheered over them last year and we took them home.
I have no idea how I'll get through these holidays. I don't want to turn on the radio. I've declined everyone's invitations - for I'm so tired of all my years of being the occupant of the charity seat at someone else's family celebration.
I wish there was an "off switch" to waking up and living some days in our lives. It would be switched off for the next few weeks.
Sorry for the despondent post. I suppose this was meant to be cheerful thread of hope. I came in this morning on here looking for something to help me start my day, and the title of the thread got me since it's the holidays I'm crying about.
I'm so very sincerely happy for everyone here who's having better holidays than they've had, or are resolved to make it so, or are stronger than I am in carrying through in good cheer even though it's tough right now. Love, hugs and warmth to the SR family.
And as I expected, landing back the week of Holidays-kickoff has been very tough. I had the best holiday season (our first) in decades with my X last year - I was so happy and content and finally felt I "had" it - the holidays I'd enviously watch through the windows of other's homes as I walked outside alone on so many thanksgivings and Christmases wondering if I'll ever have anyone to share it with. He made a big deal about our "first tree," and starting our legacy of ornaments and the stories we'd tell our children of their origins. He took me looking at rings, and silly, silly me started dreaming. His alcoholism hadn't quite progressed at that point to where naive me had any worry in my pretty little head of this growing demon inside him.
Fast forward to this year and I feel crushed. Just walking into any store makes me want to run to a bathroom and wretch. Smelly pine cones in the grocery store set me off yesterday - for he cheered over them last year and we took them home.
I have no idea how I'll get through these holidays. I don't want to turn on the radio. I've declined everyone's invitations - for I'm so tired of all my years of being the occupant of the charity seat at someone else's family celebration.
I wish there was an "off switch" to waking up and living some days in our lives. It would be switched off for the next few weeks.
Sorry for the despondent post. I suppose this was meant to be cheerful thread of hope. I came in this morning on here looking for something to help me start my day, and the title of the thread got me since it's the holidays I'm crying about.
I'm so very sincerely happy for everyone here who's having better holidays than they've had, or are resolved to make it so, or are stronger than I am in carrying through in good cheer even though it's tough right now. Love, hugs and warmth to the SR family.
Please, please do everything you can to take care of beautiful you.
Big hug and courage to you for the next weeks. This too will pass.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 23
Westexy and BeKind - thank you so much for your thoughts and wishes for me, and sharing from your side.
I'll be on SR a lot, I think, next few days to help get me through 🙂
And lots of sleep...and snuggles with my kitty.
I'll be on SR a lot, I think, next few days to help get me through 🙂
And lots of sleep...and snuggles with my kitty.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Congratulations Aeryn, wonderful to hear! How thrilling.
This will be the first holiday season without my partner's Dad, who passed away last March. Last year on Thanksgiving he was taking pain pills and fell asleep on my sofa. The holidays, being with his family- it meant a great deal to him and although he was struggling he did his best to participate. He was a good and gentle man.
When I'm at his house I feel his presence. It's very hard to process he won't join us ever again. But I know he's free of the pain and weakness he put up with (gracefully) as he fought cancer for ten years.
One thing I'm really glad about: days before he passed, we were with him in the hospital. He was not able to speak anymore. Not sure why but his speech was so garbled he was impossible to understand. I told him I was praying for him - which was true - and he looked at me and nodded and I know he understood.
So we'll do our best to carry on with the holidays. I do not mean to make this depressing and don't feel depressed, just acknowledging that he is missed.
Peace to everyone.
This will be the first holiday season without my partner's Dad, who passed away last March. Last year on Thanksgiving he was taking pain pills and fell asleep on my sofa. The holidays, being with his family- it meant a great deal to him and although he was struggling he did his best to participate. He was a good and gentle man.
When I'm at his house I feel his presence. It's very hard to process he won't join us ever again. But I know he's free of the pain and weakness he put up with (gracefully) as he fought cancer for ten years.
One thing I'm really glad about: days before he passed, we were with him in the hospital. He was not able to speak anymore. Not sure why but his speech was so garbled he was impossible to understand. I told him I was praying for him - which was true - and he looked at me and nodded and I know he understood.
So we'll do our best to carry on with the holidays. I do not mean to make this depressing and don't feel depressed, just acknowledging that he is missed.
Peace to everyone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 25
Feeling sad that it has become normal that my husband will not being doing anything with me or our son for Thanksgiving. When we were first married he would go to my mothers home for dinner (after a lot of begging) but since his disease has progressed he no longer does that. Before I would let it get me down and ruin my time but since having our son that has changed. I’ve decided that his choices aren’t influenced by me so I’ve learned to let it go. To say that it doesn’t make me sad/mad would be a lie but it’s different than before. I’ve come to the conclusion that the saddest part for me is that I’ve let this become “normal”. But for my sanity I’ve decided to just enjoy my day with my other family members and he will just sit at home and drink by himself. Which is sad.. that then causes me have to mixed emotions.. annoyance and pity for him.
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