HELP! Married to a functioning alcoholic. Need advice
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Htown, congratulations on 1.5 years of sobriety, its something to be proud of. It took you how many years to get there? I wasted 34 years with my addict enabling his bad behavior, just because I loved him. Ugh!! I had no idea I was contributing to further his disease.
I think every codie on this forum, just like honeypig, if we could, we would cut off our arm to help them. It's so sad, but reality is, our addicts will never get sober when we continue to enable them. It is called the alcoholic dance and we have all done it.
It's hard to say, but give them to God to watch over and pray for him often. Hugs!!
I think every codie on this forum, just like honeypig, if we could, we would cut off our arm to help them. It's so sad, but reality is, our addicts will never get sober when we continue to enable them. It is called the alcoholic dance and we have all done it.
It's hard to say, but give them to God to watch over and pray for him often. Hugs!!
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
I told my ex I had a drinking problem when we met. I moderated my alcohol by not keeping it in the house. If there was alcohol in the house, I would drink it all till I passed out. No off switch. Just beer. Never could buy a 12 pack as I would drink 9 and throw up before passing out. Forget buying more than one bottle of wine to get the discount. Then it would be 1.5 bottles before passing out.
Bought a 6 pack every night, felt terrible evey morning , but got up very early and worked. I am very succesful and very functional. Just emotionally distant, and frankly not too terrible attractive slurring my words.
When my ex moved out, I moved on and re-built my life. Same old same old moderating; gulit; shame. Stupid behaviour. I drank alone.
Then, I met the love of my life who tragically died of cancer early in our marriage. I drank at the hospice when she stopped waking up at the end. Man that was a terrible time. I realized the alcohol was keeping me from grieving and I had to stop. I started reading here in 2015. It took a year to stop.
But from when my ex told me I had a problem with alcohol, that she loved me and wanted me to stop. That I was a black hole she could not fill? That took 7 years.
Do not wait the addiction out, do not put your life on hold. Only by the grace of God am I sober. My late wife would be so proud of me. I know she is smiling from heaven. I doubt I will date again, I sure messed up a lot of lives along the way, but I am proud of being such a rock when my wife died. I was there for her, it was only after she died that it got really bad, but know one saw it but my folks.
sorry for the long read; I just felt like talking. Thats why I like this place.
Bought a 6 pack every night, felt terrible evey morning , but got up very early and worked. I am very succesful and very functional. Just emotionally distant, and frankly not too terrible attractive slurring my words.
When my ex moved out, I moved on and re-built my life. Same old same old moderating; gulit; shame. Stupid behaviour. I drank alone.
Then, I met the love of my life who tragically died of cancer early in our marriage. I drank at the hospice when she stopped waking up at the end. Man that was a terrible time. I realized the alcohol was keeping me from grieving and I had to stop. I started reading here in 2015. It took a year to stop.
But from when my ex told me I had a problem with alcohol, that she loved me and wanted me to stop. That I was a black hole she could not fill? That took 7 years.
Do not wait the addiction out, do not put your life on hold. Only by the grace of God am I sober. My late wife would be so proud of me. I know she is smiling from heaven. I doubt I will date again, I sure messed up a lot of lives along the way, but I am proud of being such a rock when my wife died. I was there for her, it was only after she died that it got really bad, but know one saw it but my folks.
sorry for the long read; I just felt like talking. Thats why I like this place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 20
I'm so sorry to hear your hurting . Only thing to say is this will get worse my boyfriend left 2 days ago . He is a highly functioning alcoholic in denial . U have to make the decision for yourself to leave or to stay and believe me if he doesn't get help because he wants to sadly it will get worse . I'm am hurting so much at the moment but I know that in time I will heal and stop obsessing about him . The arguments were crazy !!! I couldn't carry in obsessing thinking and letting ruining my own life by reacting the way I did . Please please think abiut this it will get worse .my thoughts are with u . Take very good care of yourself. I'm no longer willing to be second best to alcohol. That doesn't mean to say I don't care what happens to him of course I do but he is making the descion to drink . He needs to live with the consequences. Stay strong .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 5
Update
So the night I posted this he came home with beer. He drank it all shortly after getting home and put his jacket on and I couldn't help myself and spat out where are you going? He said to get more beer. I just shook my head and went back to what I was doing. He then asked why I was mad and that I should be proud because he went 3 days with no drinking. And then also said that I had told him to drink today and that we had a discussion about splitting his work days so he could drink on half of them. Here is where I lost it. I never said any of these things and there was no conversation about them or anything remotely close.
I lost my cool which I never do and got really upset. He went back to saying he won't ever drink again. Fast forward 2 days and now he's been drinking 1 tall can per night and has actually been really great at being a husband and a parent... I'm feeling crazy. He says he likes the one beer a night because it lets him keep his routine and he's a creature of habit. I feel like our problem has been fixed but feel foolish at the same time. He said if this didn't work he would join a program. It's been5 days.
I lost my cool which I never do and got really upset. He went back to saying he won't ever drink again. Fast forward 2 days and now he's been drinking 1 tall can per night and has actually been really great at being a husband and a parent... I'm feeling crazy. He says he likes the one beer a night because it lets him keep his routine and he's a creature of habit. I feel like our problem has been fixed but feel foolish at the same time. He said if this didn't work he would join a program. It's been5 days.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi Stressed, as a recovered A I have my doubts this will continue for much longer but you can't control it, so you have no choice but to see how it plays out.
I do have trouble understanding why you feel foolish or crazy. You know there's a problem, you spoke out on it, as was your right. He's acknowledged the problem, and is trying yet another tactic to address it, without actually giving up drinking. I'm not saying its going to play out like this, but he may either gradually increase the number of beers, or start secretly topping up. I hope he can hold on to the level he's at now, seeing things are much better for you.
'Creature of habit' my a**. He's showing signs of needing that drink. The problem will be fixed for you when you're comfortable with the outcome.
I do have trouble understanding why you feel foolish or crazy. You know there's a problem, you spoke out on it, as was your right. He's acknowledged the problem, and is trying yet another tactic to address it, without actually giving up drinking. I'm not saying its going to play out like this, but he may either gradually increase the number of beers, or start secretly topping up. I hope he can hold on to the level he's at now, seeing things are much better for you.
'Creature of habit' my a**. He's showing signs of needing that drink. The problem will be fixed for you when you're comfortable with the outcome.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Stressed541 
I feel like our problem has been fixed but feel foolish at the same time.
I think in not too much time, things will happen that will change your view.
I say this b/c I often felt this way w/XAH in the early days of my realizing there was an issue. And it never turned out to be true. In my opinion, there ARE no simple, quick, easy fixes to this kind of problem.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
As a former drinker, I can say pretty certainly it won't last.
Five days is nothing in the big spectrum.
Pretty soon he'll be drinking more, if he isn't and hiding it already.
More will be revealed, and you aren't crazy.
Get yourself some support during this lull, cause you will need it
when he starts again, openly or hidden, because addiction
just doesn't "go away" when you've been drinking that much that long
Five days is nothing in the big spectrum.
Pretty soon he'll be drinking more, if he isn't and hiding it already.
More will be revealed, and you aren't crazy.
Get yourself some support during this lull, cause you will need it
when he starts again, openly or hidden, because addiction
just doesn't "go away" when you've been drinking that much that long
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stressed.....an alcoholic can't have just one beer. One calls for another and another and another... Yes, many can hold it down for a short time, but the compulsion to drink is still there, and eventually, they succumb to that "alcoholic voice" in their head...which never goes away, unless they go to total sobriety with the support of a recovery program...
It is this inability to control their drinking that is why it is called alcoholism....
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....I hope that you will take the time to read through them....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Knowledge is power.
It is this inability to control their drinking that is why it is called alcoholism....
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....I hope that you will take the time to read through them....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Knowledge is power.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Every alcoholic tries to moderate, everyone of us is terrified of giving up drinking completely. We twist and distort and believe what we tell ourselves in order to keep drinking. I did this for years because I was not ready to quit. He is not ready either. It is inevitable he will continue to have highs and lows involving alcohol if he continues to drink. He will continue to try to make you the cop, then he will be angry at you for being in that role and blame you for his behaviour. Keep posting here. If you find yourself confused, realize that it is not you. Stepback emotionally.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
Just filed for divorce from mine. He drinks from the time he gets off work on Friday which is the early afternoon and drinks until he passes out Saturday night. He will not go anywhere on the weekends unless it is first thing Saturday morning so he can get home and drink. We finished our basement and put a bar down there so that is where he spends his time. He can't make it up the stairs so I slept alone on weekends and days he is off, which was fine with me. He also had anger issues and I am not sure what else because everyone always has to care about his feeling and his needs. He will make sure of it! I have been called every name in the book and he has choked me twice and pushed me. He said it was my fault and claims he was inotoxicated which he was for the choking but not for the pushing. I have put up with his abuse and drinking for 10 years. Now he is avoiding being served the divorce papers and blames me for the divorce since I was the one filed. His daughters from his previous marriage have called him an alcoholic and I am sure his first wife divorced him for the same issues as me. He always seemed like a smart guy, has a great job and looks put together to the outside world but I feel sorry for him and wish he would wake up because he is drinking himself to his death and his life is passing him by.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
If you could do it all over what would you do ?
Say no to the first date. Seriously, it was a 20 year nightmare. Also my exah used to pretend to moderate to make me look like I was the unreasonable one but in reality he had booze hidden in places I had no idea. It never occurred to me to look.
Say no to the first date. Seriously, it was a 20 year nightmare. Also my exah used to pretend to moderate to make me look like I was the unreasonable one but in reality he had booze hidden in places I had no idea. It never occurred to me to look.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Your child deserves to have one stable, happy, healthy parent. It was my experience I couldn't be any of those by living with an active alcoholic. I spent 22 years of my life covering, fixing, excusing etc. The only thing sadder than 22 years is 23. As everyone says this is a progressive disease and if you are lonely now, and your child is afraid now things will only get worse. Just my two cents.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by Stressed541
My husband of 2 years has a drinking problem. He usually has a 6 pack of beer every single day. More on his days off. I was a bit crazy about counting his beers and how fast he would drink them. He started sneaking beers. He'd tell me he had to call someone back and I'd find him outside with a new tall can. He is emotionally unavailable and our son and I come second to his drinking. He is only happy if he's drinking or knows he will be getting a drink shortly. When he drinks I can't stand him. He's combative and unkind. Has no drive and is fine being stagnant in life. He takes no active roll in parenting but at night when he's drinking decides to be the disciplinary.
I live for mornings when he's sweet and sober.
We've recently Had a bit of a break through. He told me right before my parents came out for a visit that alcohol and our marriage don't work together and he needs to stop drinking. He said he was going to stop after they left. Well they left and he came home with beer saying he would only drink on his days off. It's been 3 days of no beer and it's been more miserable then when he was drinking. He comes home sits on a chair in the kitchen and pouts like a child. Says he feels grounded in his own home. It's causing so much anxiety I'm starting to have physical symptoms. My sons afraid of him because it's so obvious he's unhappy.
I feel like he's being extra miserable as a way to manipulate me into thinking alcohol is better then this. But I refuse to cave.
I just don't know if I should stick it out and hope he sees the light (there have been so many broken promises) so that my son grows up in an intact home or do I cut my losses and not stick around for the downward spiral and abuse that I'm sure will come with it.
If you could do it all over what would you do ?
I live for mornings when he's sweet and sober.
We've recently Had a bit of a break through. He told me right before my parents came out for a visit that alcohol and our marriage don't work together and he needs to stop drinking. He said he was going to stop after they left. Well they left and he came home with beer saying he would only drink on his days off. It's been 3 days of no beer and it's been more miserable then when he was drinking. He comes home sits on a chair in the kitchen and pouts like a child. Says he feels grounded in his own home. It's causing so much anxiety I'm starting to have physical symptoms. My sons afraid of him because it's so obvious he's unhappy.
I feel like he's being extra miserable as a way to manipulate me into thinking alcohol is better then this. But I refuse to cave.
I just don't know if I should stick it out and hope he sees the light (there have been so many broken promises) so that my son grows up in an intact home or do I cut my losses and not stick around for the downward spiral and abuse that I'm sure will come with it.
If you could do it all over what would you do ?
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