And more has been revealed
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
And more has been revealed
Hi all. It's been a long time since I've posted. February will mark 2 years since I made the difficult decision to divorce my XAH. There's been some ups and downs through the process, but overall, I have noticed many positive changes in my life and myself.
This past Sunday, I was home with the kids. I knew XAH had attended a friend's birthday celebration at a bar the night before. My cell phone rang and I didn't recognize the number and I'm not really sure why I decided to answer it, but I did. It was a collect call from the county correctional facility...yep, XAH was arrested for his 2nd DUI in less than 2 years.
He asked me if I would log in to his work email and let his boss know he was going to be unavailable the next day. Believe me, I'm very well aware of possible enabling actions, but I made the decision to assist with this because if he loses his job, I also lose my child support. He then proceeded to tell me that I was right and he needs help.
He called me back later that night and we were discussing what happened. And then he asked me if I would ever consider reconciling. I was truly shocked he asked me that at that moment. I told him I didn't know how to respond to that. He also mentioned how all he could think about is how badly he has "screwed up his life" (he used other words.)
Anyways, because this is his 2nd DUI, he's going to be facing much harsher penalties. At his bail hearing, the judge ordered him to wear a SCRAM bracelet and also get the interlock device back on his car. The minimum jail time he will be facing is 45 days for the DUI and another 30 days for violating probation. And I believe he will have to have the interlock device on his car for 5 years now, since he already had to have it for 1 year after his first DUI.
He has the option of doing what is called a deferred prosecution, where he basically agrees he has a problem and has to complete an intensive 2 year treatment program, as well as stay free of all mind-altering substance for 3 more years. If he does this, then after 5 years, the charges will be dismissed. He would avoid the jail time and fines by electing the deferred prosecution.
After his initial call, I cried a bit. Mostly because I was worried about how I was going to be able to single-handedly take care of the kids and manage to continue running my own business if he had to be in jail. In that moment, I realized I haven't cried over anything since I shed my last tears over our divorce. I was a little bit angry that his stupid actions were still affecting my life. 2 years later, and he still doesn't have anyone to call except me because he has isolated himself so much and always refused to seek a support system. This whole incident has alleviated that little crazy piece of me that thought maybe his problem really was related to our marriage and his drinking wouldn't be an issue once I wasn't "nagging him" about it.
Anyways, I'm sticking to my side of the street. I won't be involved in telling him what he needs to do or how he needs to handle recovery. As far as us reconciling, I'm also not stressing myself out or even thinking about that. Actions speak louder than words and we shall see.
This past Sunday, I was home with the kids. I knew XAH had attended a friend's birthday celebration at a bar the night before. My cell phone rang and I didn't recognize the number and I'm not really sure why I decided to answer it, but I did. It was a collect call from the county correctional facility...yep, XAH was arrested for his 2nd DUI in less than 2 years.
He asked me if I would log in to his work email and let his boss know he was going to be unavailable the next day. Believe me, I'm very well aware of possible enabling actions, but I made the decision to assist with this because if he loses his job, I also lose my child support. He then proceeded to tell me that I was right and he needs help.
He called me back later that night and we were discussing what happened. And then he asked me if I would ever consider reconciling. I was truly shocked he asked me that at that moment. I told him I didn't know how to respond to that. He also mentioned how all he could think about is how badly he has "screwed up his life" (he used other words.)
Anyways, because this is his 2nd DUI, he's going to be facing much harsher penalties. At his bail hearing, the judge ordered him to wear a SCRAM bracelet and also get the interlock device back on his car. The minimum jail time he will be facing is 45 days for the DUI and another 30 days for violating probation. And I believe he will have to have the interlock device on his car for 5 years now, since he already had to have it for 1 year after his first DUI.
He has the option of doing what is called a deferred prosecution, where he basically agrees he has a problem and has to complete an intensive 2 year treatment program, as well as stay free of all mind-altering substance for 3 more years. If he does this, then after 5 years, the charges will be dismissed. He would avoid the jail time and fines by electing the deferred prosecution.
After his initial call, I cried a bit. Mostly because I was worried about how I was going to be able to single-handedly take care of the kids and manage to continue running my own business if he had to be in jail. In that moment, I realized I haven't cried over anything since I shed my last tears over our divorce. I was a little bit angry that his stupid actions were still affecting my life. 2 years later, and he still doesn't have anyone to call except me because he has isolated himself so much and always refused to seek a support system. This whole incident has alleviated that little crazy piece of me that thought maybe his problem really was related to our marriage and his drinking wouldn't be an issue once I wasn't "nagging him" about it.
Anyways, I'm sticking to my side of the street. I won't be involved in telling him what he needs to do or how he needs to handle recovery. As far as us reconciling, I'm also not stressing myself out or even thinking about that. Actions speak louder than words and we shall see.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Jada...I am so pleased to read that you know to watch actions and to stay detached from the mess that he has made.
Form my experience....I wish I had a nickel for every person that I have seen go back to drinking after they have completed a DUI type program.
It seems like some can do o.k. as long as they have the State or some outside authority monitoring them...but, as soon as they are co mpletely on their own, feel that it is o.k. to drink again.
Unless they truly work the program (Most Always AA)....and accept that alcoholism is life long and that they can never...ever...take another drink....relapse is going to happen....
The way I look at it...it would be 5 more years before you would know if he was in genuine recovery...if he accepted the 3year deal......
2yrs for the program...another year on probation...and two more years to know if he is really engaging in recovery on his own....
What I hear him saying...is that his recovery hinges on you...
Classic alcoholic thinking....
Form my experience....I wish I had a nickel for every person that I have seen go back to drinking after they have completed a DUI type program.
It seems like some can do o.k. as long as they have the State or some outside authority monitoring them...but, as soon as they are co mpletely on their own, feel that it is o.k. to drink again.
Unless they truly work the program (Most Always AA)....and accept that alcoholism is life long and that they can never...ever...take another drink....relapse is going to happen....
The way I look at it...it would be 5 more years before you would know if he was in genuine recovery...if he accepted the 3year deal......
2yrs for the program...another year on probation...and two more years to know if he is really engaging in recovery on his own....
What I hear him saying...is that his recovery hinges on you...
Classic alcoholic thinking....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Jada...I am so pleased to read that you know to watch actions and to stay detached from the mess that he has made.
Form my experience....I wish I had a nickel for every person that I have seen go back to drinking after they have completed a DUI type program.
It seems like some can do o.k. as long as they have the State or some outside authority monitoring them...but, as soon as they are co mpletely on their own, feel that it is o.k. to drink again.
Unless they truly work the program (Most Always AA)....and accept that alcoholism is life long and that they can never...ever...take another drink....relapse is going to happen....
The way I look at it...it would be 5 more years before you would know if he was in genuine recovery...if he accepted the 3year deal......
2yrs for the program...another year on probation...and two more years to know if he is really engaging in recovery on his own....
What I hear him saying...is that his recovery hinges on you...
Classic alcoholic thinking....
Form my experience....I wish I had a nickel for every person that I have seen go back to drinking after they have completed a DUI type program.
It seems like some can do o.k. as long as they have the State or some outside authority monitoring them...but, as soon as they are co mpletely on their own, feel that it is o.k. to drink again.
Unless they truly work the program (Most Always AA)....and accept that alcoholism is life long and that they can never...ever...take another drink....relapse is going to happen....
The way I look at it...it would be 5 more years before you would know if he was in genuine recovery...if he accepted the 3year deal......
2yrs for the program...another year on probation...and two more years to know if he is really engaging in recovery on his own....
What I hear him saying...is that his recovery hinges on you...
Classic alcoholic thinking....
One thing that is so different from before is that I am no longer keeping his problem a secret. My family knows what happened with his latest incident and my very judgmental and codependent mother immediately said "I hope you don't ever consider taking him back!" I'm now strong enough to not let that bother me.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so AFTER getting arrested again for DUI, and then bailing out of jail with special requirements, THIS is when he asks if you would consider reconciling????
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He asked me if I would log in to his work email and let his boss know he was going to be unavailable the next day. Believe me, I'm very well aware of possible enabling actions, but I made the decision to assist with this because if he loses his job, I also lose my child support.
And you still might.
If this were me, I’d be financially preparing now for that possibility.
I would also be untangling myself from being his "only" resource.
And you still might.
If this were me, I’d be financially preparing now for that possibility.
I would also be untangling myself from being his "only" resource.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,979
Heya Jada, congrats on how far you have come.
I'm laughing too a bit at him asking about reconciliation from jail during a DUI. What a catch (sarcasm font here.)
Keep working on you and know we are all here.
I'm laughing too a bit at him asking about reconciliation from jail during a DUI. What a catch (sarcasm font here.)
Keep working on you and know we are all here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Heya Jada, congrats on how far you have come.
I'm laughing too a bit at him asking about reconciliation from jail during a DUI. What a catch (sarcasm font here.)
Keep working on you and know we are all here.
I'm laughing too a bit at him asking about reconciliation from jail during a DUI. What a catch (sarcasm font here.)
Keep working on you and know we are all here.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would say the only help he is realizing he needs is keeping his a$$ out of jail.
Thing is, eventually the Scram will come off, the Interlock goes away, and they pick up again.
I second to prepare yourself for the worst, hope for the best (financially that is). As for the rest, I would continue to stay on your side of the street.
Big hugs.
Thing is, eventually the Scram will come off, the Interlock goes away, and they pick up again.
I second to prepare yourself for the worst, hope for the best (financially that is). As for the rest, I would continue to stay on your side of the street.
Big hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I have really had to take a step back and get my mind back into the right place. I admit, there is a teeny part of me that is hopeful that maybe he IS going to get into recovery and there is a chance we can be a family again. However, I know I need to stay far, far away from those thoughts.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
truly sorry to read whats going on Jada. reminds me a wee bit of me.
those times like hes in- feeling desperate and say a LOT of things. i even acted in desperation- doing things to help me.
as the feeling of desperation eased, the acts of desperation slowly disappeared.
and i was right back to where i was before.
i hope,for himself, hes honestly willing to get help and stick with it this time.
those times like hes in- feeling desperate and say a LOT of things. i even acted in desperation- doing things to help me.
as the feeling of desperation eased, the acts of desperation slowly disappeared.
and i was right back to where i was before.
i hope,for himself, hes honestly willing to get help and stick with it this time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by tomsteve
truly sorry to read whats going on Jada. reminds me a wee bit of me.
those times like hes in- feeling desperate and say a LOT of things. i even acted in desperation- doing things to help me.
as the feeling of desperation eased, the acts of desperation slowly disappeared.
and i was right back to where i was before.
i hope,for himself, hes honestly willing to get help and stick with it this time.
those times like hes in- feeling desperate and say a LOT of things. i even acted in desperation- doing things to help me.
as the feeling of desperation eased, the acts of desperation slowly disappeared.
and i was right back to where i was before.
i hope,for himself, hes honestly willing to get help and stick with it this time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
it would seem to me that this would be an indication for ya to do something about boundaries so ya dont get sucked back into the vortex of gloom,dispair,and agony. might be time to allow him to take care of finding people to talk about HIS problem with- someone other than you. time for him to get out of the underoos, put on some big boy undies, and take responsibility for his life.
and you take care of you and the youngen.
and you take care of you and the youngen.
Originally Posted by jada1981
You're so right tomsteve. I spoke to him this morning and he told me that he attended an AA meeting the other night. Then proceeded to explain to me how he just has a problem with drinking...he doesn't drink everyday or have withdrawal if he doesn't have a drink. I sensed he was still trying to rationalize things and not lump himself into the category of an "alcoholic."
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I sensed he was still trying to rationalize things and not lump himself into the category of an "alcoholic."
jada, i'd take this a step further and say that he is rationalizing not having to GIVE UP DRINKING for good - already the shock of jail and a 2nd DUI are started fade, he's had to take a good hard look AT the problems his drinking has caused, and i'm sure he didn't like what he saw. bit too much reality there.
so since he's not THAT bad, and NOT an alcoholic, for god's sake, then it just really isn't THAT big a problem. and therefore he doesn't really have to DOOOOO anything about it - like quit drinking for reals.
only took a couple days.............that's the infamous addiction forgetter app.
jada, i'd take this a step further and say that he is rationalizing not having to GIVE UP DRINKING for good - already the shock of jail and a 2nd DUI are started fade, he's had to take a good hard look AT the problems his drinking has caused, and i'm sure he didn't like what he saw. bit too much reality there.
so since he's not THAT bad, and NOT an alcoholic, for god's sake, then it just really isn't THAT big a problem. and therefore he doesn't really have to DOOOOO anything about it - like quit drinking for reals.
only took a couple days.............that's the infamous addiction forgetter app.
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