DD's first real-time interaction with active alcoholism
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Join Date: May 2012
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DD's first real-time interaction with active alcoholism
For having been raised in a family full of addictions & dysfunction, DD13 has never really had to deal with it actively - at least not since she was too young to really remember any details about it. We talk a LOT about addiction & it's often even embedded in the storylines of the TV shows & movies we watch, so it's sort of like she's really book-smart about it but lacks the life-experience that transforms knowledge into wisdom over time.
We went to a cookout over the weekend for a new-ish friend's birthday. I had HEARD about her niece's ex-boyfriend, but this was the first I'd met him. He was essentially a walking billboard for alcoholism, even cracking jokes to that effect himself. Every single thing about him - every statement, every action was an effort in attention seeking.... and it ran the GAMUT from "poor-me, poor-me, pour-me another drink" to the Big Macho Tough Guy Attitude with such incredible Ego ("of course I want another shot, I'm still standing aren't I??") ..... then the occasional forced-attempt-at-maturity thrown in from time to time. SO sad - this kid can't be much more than 25, if that.
While I didn't engage with him, I had no problem holding my own boundaries in a way that made it clear how much I would not be tolerating & what would pass for acceptable behavior. ("Oh," he said, after a few failed attempts to engage me, "I've heard about YOU."
)
DD was totally in Observation Mode but there were a few times she spoke up & I was pretty proud overall at her ability to be right without being self-righteous (one of our Golden Rules) while standing up for herself in an age-appropriate way.
Of course the night ended with him face-down, trying to hold onto his stomach because he was far too full of liquor & self-hatred to eat by the time the food was ready. And of course, his enabler was right there beside him, sober, holding his figurative hair & trying to keep him from digging a deeper hole for himself, convincing herself that none of us "understand" or "get it". It was 11pm. We had arrived sometime between 7:30-8:00.
It led to a lot of great conversation with DD on the ride home - it gave me far too many real-time examples to use to let the opportunity pass. She got to really see why it's entirely useless to try to engage with an actively drinking alcoholic, how to drop the rope while still holding boundaries, what "quacking" means, why walking away is ALWAYS a viable option, how her codependency was just as difficult to witness as his addiction, how instead of being out living their lives at their young, young, ages she's wasting her time coddling an overgrown, drunken baby. Her EX drunken-baby, mind you.
Most importantly, she learned that you really can never tell when you're going to be putting your recovery tools to work overtime - I had zero expectation of running into this on that particular night, would've bet money I'd face this more in a bar than my friend's backyard, you know?
We have another BBQ at another friend's this Sunday & I already see red flag behavior around my friend's new boyfriend & his family to expect that this situation may just repeat itself right away - wish us luck, lol!
We went to a cookout over the weekend for a new-ish friend's birthday. I had HEARD about her niece's ex-boyfriend, but this was the first I'd met him. He was essentially a walking billboard for alcoholism, even cracking jokes to that effect himself. Every single thing about him - every statement, every action was an effort in attention seeking.... and it ran the GAMUT from "poor-me, poor-me, pour-me another drink" to the Big Macho Tough Guy Attitude with such incredible Ego ("of course I want another shot, I'm still standing aren't I??") ..... then the occasional forced-attempt-at-maturity thrown in from time to time. SO sad - this kid can't be much more than 25, if that.
While I didn't engage with him, I had no problem holding my own boundaries in a way that made it clear how much I would not be tolerating & what would pass for acceptable behavior. ("Oh," he said, after a few failed attempts to engage me, "I've heard about YOU."
) DD was totally in Observation Mode but there were a few times she spoke up & I was pretty proud overall at her ability to be right without being self-righteous (one of our Golden Rules) while standing up for herself in an age-appropriate way.
Of course the night ended with him face-down, trying to hold onto his stomach because he was far too full of liquor & self-hatred to eat by the time the food was ready. And of course, his enabler was right there beside him, sober, holding his figurative hair & trying to keep him from digging a deeper hole for himself, convincing herself that none of us "understand" or "get it". It was 11pm. We had arrived sometime between 7:30-8:00.
It led to a lot of great conversation with DD on the ride home - it gave me far too many real-time examples to use to let the opportunity pass. She got to really see why it's entirely useless to try to engage with an actively drinking alcoholic, how to drop the rope while still holding boundaries, what "quacking" means, why walking away is ALWAYS a viable option, how her codependency was just as difficult to witness as his addiction, how instead of being out living their lives at their young, young, ages she's wasting her time coddling an overgrown, drunken baby. Her EX drunken-baby, mind you.
Most importantly, she learned that you really can never tell when you're going to be putting your recovery tools to work overtime - I had zero expectation of running into this on that particular night, would've bet money I'd face this more in a bar than my friend's backyard, you know?
We have another BBQ at another friend's this Sunday & I already see red flag behavior around my friend's new boyfriend & his family to expect that this situation may just repeat itself right away - wish us luck, lol!
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Join Date: May 2012
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Don't sell yourself short COD - you've come a LONG way in all of this, especially these last few months. 
But - why not start planting seeds now whenever a good opportunity arises?
That's what I did with DD starting at age 5 - she didn't get to this point overnight even if she doesn't fully remember all of the old conversations or situations we were faced with. For all of our talk about addiction, very little of it focuses on alcohol specifically.
But - why not start planting seeds now whenever a good opportunity arises?
That's what I did with DD starting at age 5 - she didn't get to this point overnight even if she doesn't fully remember all of the old conversations or situations we were faced with. For all of our talk about addiction, very little of it focuses on alcohol specifically.
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Neighbor tried to set me up with her BIL after AH passed away. I was visiting with them and someone said, "Bill, I was thinking of you when I heard this" and then told the joke about stopping every night for a six pack and then realizing, after a week, he had a shopping problem.
Har-dee-har-har. Not.
Please keep talking to your kids. One of the scariest things that happened to me in high school was riding in the car with a drunk friend at the wheel. We're lucky we didn't die that night. And the driver was a straight A student, never in trouble.
Har-dee-har-har. Not.
Please keep talking to your kids. One of the scariest things that happened to me in high school was riding in the car with a drunk friend at the wheel. We're lucky we didn't die that night. And the driver was a straight A student, never in trouble.
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