dandylion

Challenger....I suggest that you give it another try.....s ometimes, it is a great relief just to be the same room where everybody understands what you are going through! That, in itself, can be so validating and very therapeutic, at a time like this....That may be all you need....
Another suggestion---I don't know what the size of your community is...but, divorce support groups have become increasingly popular....you can do a google search to find one in your zip code. A group of people, all going through the same thing, is like a respite from the storm...
It is like a poultice for the fears and shame, and sadness, etc., that people often feel at a time like this.... and, some good parenting tips, also.....

reach out for more support...what is the worst that can happen??

Challenger2013

My therapist recommended a divorce support group, however they discontinued the group for men. I guess we are too tough to need help. 😳
But I will search for another. Thanks for the advice!

dandylion

Challenger, I do think that it is a good idea to keep trying....also there are some good parent without partners groups, also.....

LostinLB

I don't have any advice about divorce or custody, but I do agree with what others have said - give Al-Anon another try. I didn't connect with the program at first either and it took me 7 years to go back and try again, because I knew there was not enough individual therapy that could get me through the pain I was experiencing and that was the only thing I could think of to supplement my therapy sessions. Maybe because I was in such a different place in my life when I went back it really resonated with me and I found relief just being there and listening. I will say there are many meetings I have been to that I do not connect with at all. Luckily there a tons of them around me and so I just tried different ones and I have found a few that leave me feeling uplifted and strong. I hope you will find the same.

honeypig

You know, Challenger, you don't have to start to date...

I have had a boyfriend or husband in my life almost nonstop from the age of 15 or so until 55, when XAH and I divorced. I really wasn't sure I could exist on my own--I'd never done it and was frankly terrified. But even more than that, I couldn't deal w/the thought of starting another relationship, and so I stayed single and learned how to take care of myself, trust myself, and depend on myself, something I'd never done before.

I learned that while I sometimes feel overwhelmed w/all I have to do and wish for someone to help w/the dishes, the laundry, the yard work, the shopping and cooking and the dog walking, plus having only one income in the household, for me, it's worth it in terms of the freedom I have to do as I please. Now, I'm not a parent, so I can't speak to how it may work out for you, but please don't lock yourself into thinking that you MUST find a partner, now, soon or ever.

tomsteve

you have WAY bigger fish to fry,dude.
and who says ya have to start dating,anyways?

Challenger2013

I seriously doubt I actually date for quite some time. But I do plan on having a social life for a change. One where I don’t have to worry about being embarrassed.

CentralOhioDad

THIS!!!!! When I get out of this marriage and can date again, it will be nice to be able to go somewhere with someone and not worry the entire time whether or not my partner will get wasted and embarrass me. I never feel I can go anywhere and just relax and have a good time for fear of AW getting drunk. So sad.

I'm right there with you, HL.

COD

CentralOhioDad

I'm 54 and have a DS7. I too, won't be able to retire for at least another 20 years. And, I'm 13 years into a marriage.

I'm knowing what you're talking about!!! I don't really like the prospect of dating either (doesn't help that I'm an introvert), but the idea of having the company of someone with whom you can share good times - THAT is appealing.

Hang in there, friend.

COD

OpheliaKatz

I'm not going to be able to retire either, even though it's just me. I won't have a family or retire, just work until I drop dead. I wonder what on earth I'll leave the planet besides my corpse.

I wonder if our partners will ever wake up to the fact that they've taken other people's lives and just trashed them... it is like a murder-suicide, except you're both still living. Sorry, I'm very bitter, I've been having really bad memories and it's making me angry.

I should say something reassuring. I guess I could say, it's better you're single now than if you're leaving the relationship at 60 or 70. Someone said that to me recently. I don't think it made me feel better though.

Challenger2013

No reason to apologize. Those of us who love/loved an addict are put through emotional meat grinders. We want to help them, but often end up enabling them. It’s frustrating beyond belief.

The future we envisioned for ourselves is yanked away from under us and we are in free fall. I go from anger to fear to compassion everyday because of that.

She’s gone a week without a drink as far as I can tell (and I usually can). But she’s been to exactly one meeting. I don’t see that as “working a program”.

Challenger2013

For the last few days AW keeps mentioning how many days she’s been without a drink then asks if I’m proud of her.
This is a form of manipulation called “priming”, where you are asked a question that you instinctively want to answer positively, thereby reinforcing her opinion.

Then last night I went to her closet looking for a few hangers and there sits half of a beer. Should I think it’s been sitting there open for an entire week? I didn’t bother saying anything, it would have just started another argument. Or continue the same argument that’s been going on for two years.

CentralOhioDad

My AW does the same thing!!! If she manages to just drink a little, or comes to bed before passing out, I'm supposed to give bushels of praise and do cartwheels. And I get sucked into it every time.

And I hate myself for doing it.

Challenger2013

The whole point of the manipulation is to make you doubt yourself and break your resolve.

DontRemember

I've been on both sides of the embarrassment thing.. Yep! That sucks!

Challenger2013

Tonight is the traditional night to put up and decorate the Christmas tree. So of course I found her in the closet drinking a beer. Said she found three in the garage. I just said ok and went about my business. So of course she wants to discuss it in front of DS.
She just doesn’t get it.

DesertEyes

If I may toss in my .02.

I went thru many of the same feelings when I first left my now ex wife. Her pill addiction caused much embarasment, and I could not wait to be without that fear. I was also terrified of dating. We had a small business together and divorce was going to kill that, along with hopes of retiring.

I was told that I should not even think of dating until I had dealt with the grief and the emotions for at least one year. My thought was I'd be lucky to work up the guts in ten years, never mind one.

What actually happened is I met an intelligent, compassionate and fascinating woman who was also terrified of dating. Forget the ten years, or the one year, it was more like 6 months.

Okay, so we were both rebounding and the relationshiop didn't work out, but we're still best friends many years later. Once I did get my head straightened out from the insanity of my ex's addiction I was able to have a social life again. Financially things are much better since I'm not blowing tons of money covering up for a pill-head wife. I will be able to retire, any time I want to. Nowhere near as comfortably as if we had been able to keep that business going, but I won't starve or go homeless.

My life without the chaos of addiction has become quite normal, and I'm really liking it this way.

Mike

Challenger2013

That’s what’s keeping me going, the hope that the future won’t be so stressful.

Challenger2013

Update:

We are entering the “Discovery Phase” where we each get a list of questions that we have to answer. She read through them and came to the realization that there is no way that she can get Primary Residential Parent status. I wanted to laugh in her face.
Then she stated that since the Child Endangerment charge was dropped by the District Attorney then “it never happened”. I think the arrest report filled out by the cop will show otherwise.
But we both still want to do this as amicably as possible without going to court.
And who knows, maybe this is the bottom she needed. As near as I can tell, she’s been 12 days without a drink. I’ll keep my fingers crossed 🤞.

ScaryTime

honeypig and Challenger,
Yes this is one of the first things I picked up on. You cannot control her going back to drinking. What you can control is your actions and taking care of your son.
Prayers and hugs to you on getting through this.