CentralOhioDad

As long as her drinking isn't brought up, and only YOUR issues are discussed, I'm certain she will be very civil....

Hawkeye13

So I assume this means she's been served and made the appointment
as a result of that, or was she seeking an appointment without the
incentive of being served the papers?

dandylion

Call me crazy.....but, I smell an ambush......

Challenger2013

Nope. I broke the news that I had filed prior to the appointment. Anger, betrayal (I went behind her back!) and fear.

She then told me about her annual physical last Friday. Her blood work indicates she is close to developing pancreatitis. So now she can’t drink because it could kill her. But she had to have those last few beers on Saturday. And Sunday. But not since!!
I told her I hope she can do that, for her sake and our son’s. She was mad because I didn’t hope so for my sake.

We agreed to be civil and wait until after the holidays to break the news to our son. Her emotions are too raw right now to do it.
She just can’t believe I’d “throw away 17 years”.

dandylion

Yep. She is under the sickness of alcoholism.

Challenger2013

She hasn’t been to a meeting in “three weeks”. I’d say at least twice that, but I’ve not really bothered to keep count.
But she did admit to “stretching the truth” and not really having a sponsor. But she’s “close”.

CentralOhioDad

My AW is always full of 'good intentions', but really sucks on actually following through on anything. One empty promise after another.

Best of luck to you

COD

firebolt

Oh man, if my actions were as good as my intentions, I'd be an astronaut, that feeds starving children in Africa and drag races motorcycles in her spare time.

We all have things we want to do, what we do is a different story when it comes down to the difficult stuff. And addiction just adds an extra level of delusion to our grand plans.

And on our side - addiction to love, or a person, and our tendency to default towards guilt adds an extra level to our delusion as well. We believe them to some extent (because we desperately want to), even though they've proven to us over and over that we can not.

Stay strong, and confident in your decision - IF she is going to get herself well, she's gonna do it no matter what you do.

honeypig

Challenger, linking you to a thread about "want to vs willing to" that was helpful for me.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...vs-i-want.html (I am Willing to vs I Want to)

hopeful4

Well said firebolt!

Challenger2013

She got served yesterday morning. Good thing I told her it was coming. She’s mad and can’t believe that I actually did it. And still hoped for reconciliation.
This morning we heard about a parenting plan hearing on the 27th. She ask me that since we agree on the temp plan my lawyer submitted if we still have to go. It calls for her to see our son every other weekend, but since I’m still in the house, it’s kind of a moot point. But it will force her to be civil towards me, because if I feel I need to move out, then he goes with me.

Ariesagain

I get the temptation to sidestep the lawyer, but you maybe should go completely by the book on this?

She may well turn on you completely and/or escalate the drinking once the reality sets in. If you have your legal ducks in a row and have complied with all the requirements, you’ll be in a much stronger position to escalate if you need to, yes?

hopeful4

I thought the same thing Aries!

Challenger2013

I’ve been collecting all the required documents for a year, knowing that eventually it would come to this. She just never thought I would because I’ve threatened divorce so many times over the years.
If the drinking escalates to the level it used to be, she could be dead within a year. But that’s her decision, not mine. Today is her fifth day without a drink. If she makes it through the weekend I’ll be impressed.

Challenger2013

Instead of starting a new thread or hijacking someone else’s I’ll post here.

I got maybe three hours of sleep last night. While discussing the temp parenting plan last night, I think it finally became real to me.
After 17 years together, it’s going to end.

I’m 53 and about to be a single dad to a preteen.

I’ll probably never get to retire, or at least not as early as I thought I’d get to.

The idea of having to start dating again terrifies me.

FeelingGreat

Hey Challenger, this is a stressful time for you. Try not to jump ahead of yourself or let your imagination run wild. Your hand was forced so focus on what has to be done and try to stay mentally balanced. I know, easier said....

Are you able to talk to a counsellor regularly to take some of the internal pressure off? Or Al-anon, or close friends and family? It's so much easier if you don't have to bottle everything up.

Challenger2013

I see the first marriage counselor that we had on an individual basis. AW gave permission for that even though the therapist “picked on her” every session because AW had to admit to at least one night of drinking every time we went. I try to see her every week, but it isn’t always possible.

dandylion

Challenger...what about alanon...you could attend those meetings in addition to your regular counselor.....

Challenger2013

I tried a couple of times. Either they were bad meetings or I just didn’t connect with the message. I had the same problem with “Family Week” when she was in rehab. But I admit, I went into it with a closed mind.

53500

[QUOTE=Challenger2013;6677225

I’m 53 and about to be a single dad to a preteen.

I’ll probably never get to retire, or at least not as early as I thought I’d get to.

The idea of having to start dating again terrifies me.[/QUOTE]

Hey Challenger, not to worry, you have lots of company! So many people find themselves single in their 40s (I did), 50s, and on up to 80s (my mom), when they did not expect to. Yes it's scary and can be depressing. It can also be a wonderful opportunity to find peace, happiness, independence and love. I could give you lots of examples. You know you're doing the right thing.

As for dating - it's not easy but by no means impossible. Keep a sense of humor about it. My worst dates now make the best stories. Hang in there friend, better days are ahead.