Feeling paralyzed- need to move forward
 

Most areas of my life are greatly improving.

I need a breakthrough for the paralysis I'm feeling with my finances.

I've started small businesses before. I've developed good cash flow quite easily.

This time around I am petrified. There's something about it that is freaking me out. I have two different workable business plans, the basic framework, funds put into them, both viable... and I am in No Contact with my husband (active alcoholism), my mom, dad and brother ie. my past completely dysfunctional support system.

I have been trained by all of them to put their needs first. No Contact is simply something I do one day at a time to take care of my sanity and health.

There's nothing stopping me from going forward except ME, standing right in my own way. I have never been fully financially independent. Even when I thought I was, I now realize so much manipulation and control my "family" kept me tied up in.

So... once again something from my past is bringing it's attention for me to change up my views of myself ... to stand up and SHINE.

Help!!! Urggh! Seriously, even feeling this in my legs... this fear. Been doing many good things this morning and the result has been this bubbling up even stronger.

Okay... just searched for energy healing, muscle memory...

Legs: Associated with progress through life, fear of change, fear of the future, and family or parental issues. Who/what is holding you back?

This started coming up at abuse help group counseling just over two weeks ago.

Ideas on releasing this old stuff and moving forward?

I am an avid walker. I don't know that I started consciously doing it, but I sort of turned my walks into "release" sessions. And it really helps. Maybe using the legs so much with the walking is connected somehow.

Also, another thing that has really helped me has been housework/cleaning./de-cluttering. There is something about the PHYSICAL process of cleaning that I think impacts some internal "cleansing" that needs to happen. Even though it's primarily a physical thing I believe it does engage a certain part of the brain and spirit that is trying to shed itself of things we need to be free of. Hope this helps.

Internal/External
 

So, I think we all know that it's the inward part of us the needs to be healthy and we need to take care of what's inside of us or no matter what we do to the "exterior" isn't going to make us a healthy package....

But I really do think that the external does affect the internal. It all seems connected to me. And, of course, the internal affects the external.

But, here I am on my Saturday off and I already feel better for having just started a load of laundry and throwing some food out of my fridge that's getting a little old...it FEELS good to do that. It needs to be done and don't like "things" around me piling up whether it's bills or laundry or old food. (I can't stand it when the fridge gets like that). I know it's much easier to KEEP the fridge clean rather that let it all pile up and try to tackle it all at once. So, I've gotten into the habit of checking the fridge regularly and keeping it cleared out. My MIL'S fridge is downright scary. When I go to their house I don't dare open it! (haha).

Okay...so now onto the making the bed and straightening things up around here...seems like a small thing, but it's not wasted, really it's not. They say don't sweat the small stuff. Well, yes and no. Sometimes the small stuff piles up and becomes a big jumble of tangled yarn and you feel frustrated.

Can you give yourself a little bit of time to wait for the paralysis to clear? Or do you need to move forward on your action plan right away? I know I find that when I feel "blocked" or stuck, sometimes if I wait for a while or do something else and then return to the "blocked" task, I find that it's become "unstuck" and I can just get on with it one step at a time.

maybe it's nothing more than normal hesitation before making a big change? with lots of risk and money involved? i think most people have some self-doubt before launching into a new business, or taking a new job, or deciding to start flipping houses. in fact, it can be a helpful barometer, giving us cause to pause, and think carefully before taking the plunge. it can also signal to us that perhaps we are not as ready as we need to be.

Sometimes we need to sort of hit "pause", slow our thoughts and take some quiet reflective times.

But there's other times when we need to "blow out the carbon". Growing up our family car was a big station wagon with a big engine. That puppy wasn't considered a "cool car" by any means, but it sure had a powerful engine and we absolutely loved it when Mom or Dad put the pedal to metal and blew the carbon out. My dad did this every so often because he said it was good for the engine. I'm not mechanical so I didn't really know what he was talking about but I just took his word for it. On the way to church we would often beg our mom, who was driving, to "blow out the carbon, Mom." And she would. It was fun and exciting and put us in a better mood to sit still in church, maybe.

Co-dependancy for me alter my view on myself. For whatever reason someone else manipulating me in the name of my best interest became my norm. It’s the way to seek out approval. The result is I’m unable to properly access any given situation. I was told my choices weren’t the correct ones and was unable to make correct choice with out my qualifier. Gas lighting at its finiest. Finding my self esteem and trusting in myself has been one of my hardest parts of recovery. While I’m unsure if you hesitation is beneficial fear or just a pattern you are stuck in is hard to pin point. For me it’s a lot of recognizing unhealthy behavior and trying to correct it with healthy patterns of behavior.

All the above!!

1. Slowed things down.
Urgent things aren't important.
Important things aren't urgent. (Usually :))

2. Blew out some carbon.
Emotionally.
Planning to do this again today.

3. Back to taking things a moment at a time. I have a back up plan for my immediate finances. I just started fearing I'm not doing enough soon enough. That I'm not enough. Being in that mode isn't moving me forward.

4. I'm not feeling it. I know these businesses inside out, they're small, easy to get going... and the fact that things feel paused and back to internal stuff simply means internal stuff needs prioritizing right now.

I'm trusting this recovery process.

If this is the first time you've done a start-up without the financial
back-up of others at least possible, I think it is very understandable
you'd be a bit nervous.

You can do this, and you will succeed .
You are doing really well in recovery from what's posted here,
so your trust in that process seems well-placed.

It will happen smoothly and well when it's meant to--keep believing in yourself :grouphug:

an option might be to get a steady job that provides a steady income stream - this takes the pressure off of NEEDING the startup to work instantly and effectively to provide a source of income.

This is an excellent idea--a "safe" temp job will take the emotional pressure off and give you plenty of time to get your ideas off the ground and producing income.

I agree!! Yet every time I look into this I've found several jobs I could do, could apply for... or could even have by asking (friends who are in their busy season)... and each time I'm being very obviously lead in another direction.

This is the first time I've found-seen-felt so many different options, and the best one that keeps coming forward is to keep taking a huge leap of faith and do things differently.

I made a new resume the other day. It was the easiest one I've ever done. I know who I am. I'm confident in my abilities. I have updated references.

Just spent a couple hours hanging out at a glass shop with DS10, watching handcrafted glass being worked into shape. Maybe I'm like that... being worked into something new, adding new colors and shapes to my life. :)

Song on the radio just now... "why not take a crazy chance?"

So, just for today, I'll enjoy where I'm at... I'll feel the pain when it bubbles up... I'll trust tomorrow will work itself out. Taking a beautiful mountain drive, having a chai tea and feeling at peace again.

Something needs to be done work wise, but for today I'm doing much better than yesterday... yesterday I had ample room for emotions and fears working tbeir way out... tomorrow will be a new day.

So grateful for all the support and suggestions here. Thank you. So many emotions flowing through lately.

Well done, KTF. You can do this!

Grandma used to say, "Natural things are like spiritual things." In her simple little way, she said that...it was one of her little sayings that stayed around long after she passed on. I didn't think too much of that saying at first....but when I'm looking for inspiration, that is often where I find it: not just in the spiritual, but also as I look around and behold cool things, things of beauty, natural beauty, nature in its perfection...there is inspiration to be had and parallels left and right.

And so I think about recharging batteries. And, when I am feeling sort of "paralyzed" maybe I'm am just in a state/time in which my batteries need to be recharged. I mean, sometimes we replace batteries. But for many things we have recharge the battery...we need to plug it into a higher power source, right? So mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually I find to also be true. Plug myself into a higher power source.

We humans are emotional creatures. Some of us are more emotional than others. Some of us are more expressive than others. Some of us wear our emotions on our sleeves. We talk about them...a LOT. Some people feel plenty of emotions, but don't show it that much, so when they do we sort of go, "What's wrong with so and so?" While I think there is a time and place to be discreet, people have also got to be able to blow off some steam and hopefully do so in ways that aren't destructive. I also think there are many people walking around out there who are all bottled up inside. When we are bottled up too much I think this perhaps creates a type of paralysis. We feel stifled; even smothered. This kind of thing really gets going good when we feel as if we have to walk around on eggshells.

I grew up walking on eggshells. With alcoholism I was walking on eggshells. I learned very well how to stuff emotions and put myself last.

I'm not doing that anymore.

Grateful for these stuffed emotions coming out in ways and places that support me, that provide healing space, that don't overflow on others. That in itself has been amazing..... although my tears did overflow at Alanon for the first part of my recovery... and were fully understood and accepted.

I think you are embracing that your #1 job right now is protecting your son and your own recovery.

Bravo friend! We have confidence in you!

Yes, bravo Okatz!

Broke NC to request my own funds to be transferred by my husband, that went nowhere, went immediately back to NC... (this was about me standing up and using my voice rather than fighting over money)....

I received texts earlier today from my brother... deleted those, staying NC.

My husband's reply included bringing my mom into the picture ... he could have her deposit some money... how much do I need?

F-that!!!

Yes, good stuff to clear out and help me move forward.

Playing mancala and yahtzee today. Sledding plans. Burgers and fries.