What would you do?

Old 10-28-2004, 10:44 AM
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What would you do?

Ok so last night my A was all nice and went shopping etc with me...then on the way home he says can we stop at the LQ store? I siad I will stop but I am not buying anything. He goes in and makes his purchases. We get home decorate for the Holiday..bathe and get the kids to bed, at this time he makes himself a drink and we sit on the couch. Asks if I want anything .....then asks if I wan tot play a game ....so we are playing Yatzee....as we are playing we need to take breaks so he can have a cig (outside) and make another (and another) drinks. By the 3 game he is pretty loopey..but I continue to play. (WHY I am not sure) At any rate by game 4 he is asking to see what I am writing down becasue he thinks I am cheating and doens't trust me.....HERE WE GO......the more he has to drink the more i get accused of doing the wrong thing.......ok so we have 1 tie and we have both won 2 games...so "we have to play another" (in his words) we finish and I announce I am going to bed (by this time it is about 1am) he gets the whole attitude that I don't love him blah blah blah, don't wnat to stay up with him becasue I don't care!! I try to explain that that has nothing to do with it ..I have to work in the monring ! Needless to say I went to bed, well about 2am I hear the stero loud and hear him talking and laughing (I have 3 kids sleeping) so I go down and ask him "is this what you want with your life?" he says "whaaaaat" in a drunken stooper. I said I wanted no part of it any longer so he needs to make a choice! I turned off the music and lights and went to bed , he followed shortly after with the "I am sorrys' etc" then passed out. OF COURSE this morning he acts like nothing ever happend! Do I bring it up or let it go ? I know he was drunk and is possible he doesn't remember.....but when talking to him on the phone this morning he asked how I felt, I said physically I feel fine , but mentally and emotionally I want off the roller coaster!! He said nothing!! So now that I got so long winded do I bring it up and hash it out? or just let it go?

thanks to you all for your insight..........
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Old 10-28-2004, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Shel
OF COURSE this morning he acts like nothing ever happend! Do I bring it up or let it go ? I know he was drunk and is possible he doesn't remember.....but when talking to him on the phone this morning he asked how I felt, I said physically I feel fine , but mentally and emotionally I want off the roller coaster!! He said nothing!! So now that I got so long winded do I bring it up and hash it out? or just let it go?

Shel - My AH and I used to go through the same problem - have a confrontation, I'd get upset or frustrated with him, turn everything off and head to bed/Wake up and he wants to act like nothing happened. It went on like that with us a 2 or more years. He thought we were actually getting along better because I chose to let it go. After a while it got to be habit. And I have to admit, it was a lot less stressful than "hashing it out."

I made a mistake by doing that. Here I am now, not knowing how I feel about anything. Sorry that I kept my mouth shut. I fell into the trap of the "A". His "A" was controlling me.

My suggestion to you, if you feel it, say it. It's not healthy for you to hold it in.

Good Luck
((((shel))))
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Old 10-28-2004, 11:34 AM
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I think that the important thing is to set up some boundaries to keep from having to make that decision again. My mom is an alcoholic so I'm not in exactly the same situation as you but I'll be damned if I would sit and play a game with her while she's drinking.
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Old 10-28-2004, 11:43 AM
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I recommend talking to your AH. You should find a time when your AH is sober and you are calm to talk about what you said here. Your AH can't read your mind and it's not fair to make him guess. He may know you are upset, but unless you tell him WHY, he won't know.

p.s. It doesn't sound like it's very fun playing board games with a drunk. Next time, you should consider saying no. You may also want to consider saying no the next time he asks you to go to the LQ store - you don't need to support his drinking by going with him to the store that fuels his addiction. I know you are doing the best you can & you deserve a lot of credit for that, but setting boundaries that protect you and your children and do not support his drinking will help you immensely. Hang in there and good luck!
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Old 10-28-2004, 11:49 AM
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This is my first day on the board. I read your post. The first thing that comes to my mind is a question I have been asking myself for years...

Why is it that they are the ones who drink all night, but WE are the ones who wake up with the hangovers?

Being new, I don't know enough about your situation to offer an opinion. I hope to get to know all of you much better, very quickly.
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Old 10-28-2004, 12:48 PM
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thanks to all for your responses......just to clairify...he doesn't have a license (becasue of his drinking) so has no transportation, and it was fun to start playing the game but in the end it was just something for him to do and DRINK! I know this now !

I have to tighten my boundries and for the most part things don';t bother me much when I remind myself to take care of myself and that I can't control it .....but some days my co-dependancy gets the best of me!!
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Old 10-28-2004, 01:37 PM
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Still no opinion, but I was struck by something you said... he doesn't drive because he doesn't have a license? Mine just kept driving anyway WITHOUT a license! I figured this was a common thing for A's to do. I mean, they already take the risk of drinking and driving -- so (they think) who needs a license? They'll just drive anyway. Have you ever heard of this? I thought this was what they did. I don't understand. Is this not a common pattern? Why would they suddenly start obeying the "rules of the road?"

I DO have an opinion. I think you should set boundaries and ground rules while he is sober (which I'm sure you already have, about a million times). I tell my A that I really enjoy doing things with him when he's sober. As soon as he crosses that line, however, I cease enjoying his company. When that line is crossed, I reserve the right to end the activity (i.e., the game) and remove myself from the situation, his company, etc. (As a result, I spend a lot of time alone.) There is no need to "rehash." If he knows your boundaries, he will know why you ended the festivities and went to bed. You don't need to tell him again, and again the next day. He knows. What he needs to learn is that you mean what you say.
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Old 10-28-2004, 01:53 PM
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They'll just drive anyway. Have you ever heard of this? I thought this was what they did. I don't understand. Is this not a common pattern? Why would they suddenly start obeying the "rules of the road?"
We had the same problem with my mom and my dad had to take her keys away and hide his to keep her from leaving. Don't feel alone it's pretty common I think. Oh and BTW I'm fairly sure that taking keys away is not the right way to handle it unless it is an isolated instance of them being drunk and you stopping them from driving.
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Old 10-28-2004, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by hope2bhappy
Still no opinion, but I was struck by something you said... he doesn't drive because he doesn't have a license? Mine just kept driving anyway WITHOUT a license! I figured this was a common thing for A's to do. I mean, they already take the risk of drinking and driving -- so (they think) who needs a license? They'll just drive anyway. Have you ever heard of this? I thought this was what they did. I don't understand. Is this not a common pattern? Why would they suddenly start obeying the "rules of the road?"
My A (b/f) lost his license in CA for DUI. He moved across the country to NJ and, because they never physically TOOK his license from him (or they did and he high-tailed it to MT to get a new one before it hit the system -- something I would not put past him), he continued to drive (and drink) while here in NJ. He was VERY fortunate (or not) that he never got caught. Once his license expired he was forced to sit out the period of his suspension (which was only six months).

He now has his license back and, no doubt, will get behind the wheel drunk again.
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Old 10-28-2004, 02:13 PM
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Originally Posted by hope2bhappy
Still no opinion, but I was struck by something you said... he doesn't drive because he doesn't have a license? Mine just kept driving anyway WITHOUT a license! I figured this was a common thing for A's to do. I mean, they already take the risk of drinking and driving -- so (they think) who needs a license? They'll just drive anyway. Have you ever heard of this? I thought this was what they did. I don't understand. Is this not a common pattern? Why would they suddenly start obeying the "rules of the road?"
My A (b/f) lost his license in CA for DUI. He moved across the country to NJ and, because they never physically TOOK his license from him (or they did and he high-tailed it to MT to get a new one before it hit the system -- something I would not put past him), he continued to drive (and drink) while here in NJ. He was VERY fortunate (or not) that he never got caught. Once his license expired he was forced to sit out the period of his suspension (which was only six months).

He now has his license back and, no doubt, will get behind the wheel drunk again.
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Old 10-28-2004, 02:14 PM
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Oop! Sorry about the double post - not sure how I did that
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Old 10-28-2004, 03:13 PM
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Hi Shel...doesn't that ruin a good night! Something as simple as a game, and they even manage to ruin that at times...I'm sorry! I agree with what everyone has said...definately set boundaries. The only comment I would add is - though it is maybe a good idea to discuss the boundaries with your AH when he is sober - you may not know your boundaries now. Or at least, I didn't. I couldn't have been very clear what they were to explain it to him...I just knew "in the moment" when they were crossed. I played the game with myself for a long time when I wouldn't do anything because I would tell myself "I wasn't really clear with him that I don't accept that".. so, I kept putting myself in uncomfortable positions. Now, I realize - if I'm uncomfortable or don't like a behavior...that's my boundary for that day and that situation, and I take the appropriate action for ME.
And I do agree with everyone here - don't drive him to the liquor store anymore...he'll get mad, but that's okay. If he gets mad, go shopping....do something else - be mentally prepared for him to be pissed off, and plan how you will handle that. It's not your fault he lost his license and can't drive - and it's certainly not your responsibility to drive him to get liquor/beer. No unearned guilt for you - tell him that he lost his license, not you... easier said than done, I'm sure - but, it will come to you with time. Hang in there sweetie!
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Old 10-29-2004, 09:58 AM
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He not only lost his license but he also lost his car as a result of drinking and driving...I htink if I let him he would drive ..but my car is OFF LIMITS and he knows this as is my sons! There is really no doubt that once he gets it back he will drink and drive...but as for now I think that is the one thing that he can say that he doesn't do!!LOL
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Old 10-29-2004, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Shel
He not only lost his license but he also lost his car as a result of drinking and driving...I htink if I let him he would drive ..but my car is OFF LIMITS and he knows this as is my sons! There is really no doubt that once he gets it back he will drink and drive...but as for now I think that is the one thing that he can say that he doesn't do!!LOL
My AH lost his license for 4 years (3rd DUI) and totalled his truck. Just go it back this year as a matter of fact. My biggest fear was him getting them back and drinking and driving. And HE DID!! I realized that no amount of worrying I did, I wasn't/couldn't stop him. My car too was off limits.

He didn't drive for those whole 4 years. I used to think that it was because of me harping on him that that is why he wouldn't drive. Now I know he does what he wants, regardless of what Blame he throws my way.
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