Smarie78

Why is this so hard to hear? I notice that when I confide in somebody the relationship that I have been through they say to leave because I deserve so much more. It's not that I don't think I do, but those words make me so utterly uncomfortable. Shy maybe? I quickly say "oh no come on now" when I hear it. I started to think that maybe deep down I don't believe I do. I remember when I would tell him I was going to leave he would remind me of all the slimeballs I would sleep with right before I met him. How it's not like he made my life worse off because I wasn't exactly doing great in relating to men as it was.

Last time we spoke he told me he knows I want other men. He said I can't help it because it's who I am (me, as in a former promiscuous woman). I know not to take his words seriously, but it really struck me as maybe it is who I think I am and that is why I have stayed with him for so long.

Did it take you a while to be comfortable when people told you that you deserve better? Did you think that maybe you didn't, or perhaps, weren't meant for better?

Ariesagain

He’s made your life worse. Much, much worse.

The End.

(And all those women he’s cheating on you with...that makes him some stud but when you have a past you’re promiscuous? )

I remain baffled as to why you’re talking to him at all, let alone telling him your most private thoughts.

All that said (or sputtered, really)...have you discussed this with your therapist?

Because if you’re staying with him to punish yourself...it’s been over three years. You probably would have done less time if you’d murdered one of those guys.

You deserve better. Much, much better. Alone and single would be much much better.

Bekindalways

Smarie, it does sound like an idea worth following up.

I've wondered if I have some kind of internalized sexism that makes me expect way less out of life.

dandylion

Smarie.....remember the subject that we have talked about?
What you are asking about, I think, fits perfectly into that subject......

SparkleKitty

Yes. When people told me that, it made me uncomfortable because I fundamentally didn't believe it myself.

I spend a lot of my life avoiding my own utter lack of self-worth by trying to get it from the outside, from one emotionally unavailable partner after another. It wasn't until I forced myself to build a relationship with MYSELF that I truly understood what I deserved and what I didn't.

maia1234

When he beats you down, how do you feel worthy of any compliments?

Plus, he is any better then any of your other guys.... please!

hopeful4

I am pretty sure I have said this to you, several times, and I truly believe that.

What you don't deserve is someone degrading you, lying to you, reminding you of pain in the past. YOU DESERVE MORE.

Big hugs friend. You hear it, now you just need to work on believing it.

atalose

I think this is a perfect subject to discuss with your therapist. I think self-worth and self-esteem play a big factor in how we recognize ourselves. But I also believe that who we surround ourselves with who we tend to listen to keeps us prisoner to our ill self thoughts. Kind of like the thinking of, well I don't believe I can do better so I''ll just stick with what I have.

I don't think I ever consciously thought I didn't deserve better when it came to picking someone to be in a relationship with, my self-esteem and self-worth guided me and because those were broken they lead me towards finding similar broken people.

Once I became aware that I needed to work on ME and re-build ME the less the broken people impacted my life and the further away from them I got.

tomsteve

"You deserve so much more"
Why is this so hard to hear?

because my self worth was non existent.

Did it take you a while to be comfortable when people told you that you deserve better?

not really long after i accepted i did deserve better.
which didnt occur until i ended the relationship.
which, i didnt end the relationship because i felt i deserved better.
i ended it because i didnt want her insanity,drama, and chaos in my life any more.

firebolt

It always made me feel bad - it reinforced what I knew....that I had made a poor decision in choosing xabf. I used someone saying that to me as a way to beat myself up rather than how it was meant - that I am a decent, loving and giving person and deserve the same.

I agree that the discomfort from hearing this boils down to some deep rooted lack of self worth!

PuzzledHeart

I know you already know this, but with this statement he's not taking any responsibility for the relationship in its current state. I think his stealing, vomiting, cheating, and alcohol consumption plays a huge part in his unattractiveness.

It also occurs to me that he's actually projecting here. He's saying that he's accepting you the way that you are (promiscuous - which is in my mind VERY DIFFERENT from cheating on somebody - cheating is one million times worse) but in reality he's asking YOU to accept him the way that he is. I also think that he may be pushing you to cheat so he doesn't feel so bad about his own cheating.

What do you gain by being with him? How does he support you in becoming the best version of yourself?

Somewhat unrelated topic - how many single women friends do you have? I'm fortunate that I'm acquainted with a good number of them of all ages, with or without children. I can look at the older ones and say "When I grow up, I want to be just like her." My husband has a condition that has made me contemplate widowhood sooner than most (he's ok at the moment - so we're good), so it's comforting to know there are women out there who are living fulfilling lives without a partner. They also have the attitude, "I'll date, but until I meet somebody good enough to disrupt the fabulous life I already have, I'd rather stay single." I wish when I was younger I was more aware of their attitude - it would have prevented the heaps of trouble I encountered in my single life.

And just FYI, my number is higher than my husband's number and he doesn't give a flying hoot.

dandylion

Reading this thread just seems to reinforce this one seminal fact that most of our relationship problems emanate from-----Self esteem is in the crapper.

Mango blast

One day at a time...

How are you doing today?

lizatola

I can relate to this, as well. My XAH used to tell me that he never understood why I stayed with him, he'd tell me that he expected his stuff to be on the front lawn when he came home from business trips. But, then, when I finally got the courage to leave him......he was shocked. When, all along, he was prepping me to do that very thing he said I would do.

As for the 'deserving more' thing. Only until you know your own worth can you believe not just that you deserve more, but that you are deserving of love, that you are valuable, that you are more than enough for anybody. Keep working through what you are focusing on now. I am still working out a lot of this myself. Lots of great things shared here on this thread so thank you for bringing this up.

Soulful

I can relate this all too well. Instead of worrying about our marriage and maybe that his addiction brought so much chaos, confusion and pain, he proceeded to tell me: I know you are probably seeing other men.

He is the one man I have been loyal with, shared my vows, my life, we had a child together. I took those vows so seriously, I sacrificed everything to keep this marriage together and it really hurts to hear he bring out my past. I learnt from my past and the past doesn't define me, but hearing him say those things really trigger a lot of hurt and pain.

I think it will get better and our hard work will help us start to believe that.

Smarie78

Thank you everyone. So much good stuff in this thread. Therapist brought it up yesterday and said the words and I just nervously laughed. She doesn’t blame ABF but feels the situation has chipped away so much of me. I too have turned to unhealthy ways to relieve pain. Almost the darker the better it feels. I’m healing though.

ktf - better today. Looking forward to being around family today and celebrating the holiday. Thank you for your caring

Bekindalways

Smarie, I hope you had a peaceful drama free thanksgiving.

Take care of yourself.

OpheliaKatz

I used to get offended when people said that I deserved better (a better spouse). I took offense on his behalf. Also, it touched a nerve because I actually knew it to be true and I was so angry with himself for accepting it. I thought it was my fate, that some how other people were luckier. Now that I'm no longer in the relationship, I think if I had thought that I deserved better 10 years ago, I could have been married to someone who was decent enough to show me the respect that's necessary to a healthy relationship.

He made me feel totally worthless. So the idea that I deserved more from my man was ludicrous, at the time. I also think that there was a lot of internalized sexism in our relationship and I didn't even realize it because he used to call himself a "feminist". I could tell you how funny that sounds now by saying you should replace the word "feminist" with "sober", and then consider that I'm posting on this forum, in this section.

PuzzledHeart

When my ex-fiance broke up with me, I took that rejection and internalized it. When I entered another relationship six months later, it was so shameful I never introduced him to my family and close friends. This guy's best friend actually pulled me aside and told me the classic "I could do much better." RelationshipMistake (now referred to as RM) openly slept with other women, and although we used condoms, I contracted HPV.

I knew the relationship was a mistake from Day 1. I had no illusions and emotional intimacy was zilch. RM did come from a traumatic childhood, but when he told me about it it was more to solicit pity and more sex rather than an actual attempt to be closer as a couple. And a couple we were not.

And yet I "stayed" with him for nearly a year. It was only after another man started coming on the scene that I took serious steps to sever ties. I felt guilty for dating another person even though we weren't even a couple. RM told me that if I continued to date the other person he would physically hurt him. I told the other guy that I had dated RM and he broke up with me. I felt so humiliated and ashamed that I called up one of the only close friends who knew what was happening and cried into his shirt for at least three straight hours.

But then, it's hard to describe, this switch just flipped. I don't even know how it happened. It just did. I was so low that I took my first desperate swing at claiming my self-respect back and it was a home run. I told RM that if he ever dared to threaten anyone close to me that I would make him pay. I severed all ties to him, even the professional ones (yeah, that hurt). I told him this in an email, and cc'd everybody we knew mutually (even the ones who didn't know of our relationship) so I could hold myself accountable.

I put it right there out in the open for another reason - I had made a mistake in dating him - but I wasn't going to let that mistake and my ex-fiance define my self-worth. If there were other guys who were going to crucify me for having unsuccessful relationships as far as I was concerned they could go screw pine trees and porcupines My past was my past and I was going to own it. I was going to squeeze every single drop of value that I could get out of my history and nobody was going to stop me.

So don't let anybody stop you from valuing the person that you are.

OpheliaKatz

Thanks for sharing that Puzzledheart.