firebolt

Cheering you on!! You may have some tough days ahead, but NOTHING like what you've already been through. I hope after tomorrow, you are walking a little lighter, and with your head held high!! There is light at the end of it all!

thousandwords53

Update: He was served this afternoon and there was zero drama. We spoke this evening and he seemed to be understanding, sad, amicable.
He was concerned about finances of course and how I managed go get my own place, how I'd afford my own life, and mentioned getting his own attorney due to some of the language in my parenting plan referencing past behavior-
Just wanted to update for today, we shall see what the future holds.
I appreciate all of your continued support.

Ariesagain

Keep your force fields up, yes? Amicable may not last long.

You did the right thing. Sending you my admiration, support, and a hug.

Sasha1972

I'm glad there was no drama today. There may be drama in the future, but I know you'll be able to handle it.

This is a huge step forwards, so congratulations! You should be proud of yourself for changing your life.

thousandwords53

I wished the hardest part was over- tomorrow we will get together and tell the kids. I'm dreading that for obvious reasons. Today I feel like I have a hangover. Totally exhausted.
H mentioned last night he will be moving out of the family home so of course I'm doubting the new place. So many choices and options- the future to consider. I want to do what is best for the kids. They will miss their neighborhood friends and the amenities in our current home definitely outshine the little place I got us other side of town. But a fresh start will be nice- but I feel like that is more traumatic for them to move...ugh but maybe I can fashion a slower transition to the new house?. My mind is over working as usual.
Clarity has come to me organically so far and I'm hoping it comes to me on this too. These are just logistical hangups im dumping here.
Hugs all around for you all.

Ariesagain

“He said he will be moving” does not equal “he has moved” especially if he starts to sense you’re wavering.

Stay strong.

thousandwords53

Yes, I will be getting anything in writing about move out dates for him, and will not live in the house while he is still there. I kind of love the new house and have imagined life there, but that is in my head and my kids will have to catch up to that idea. Our old neighborhood is within walking distance, and they have friends in the new neighborhood but I just hate disrupting their life in any way. I know you all can't answer these questions for me, but others insight is always helpful as I am getting used to my own judgment and compass.

dandylion

t housandwords.....this business of "fashioning a slower transition to the new house" is (to me), suspiciously, like a plan of procrastination....which, for you, historically, is like hanging in a hellish limbo.
I believe a peaceful and tension free environment (and mother) far outshine neighborhood friends and amenities....The children are far more flexible and adaptable, than you, the adult. Especially at their current ages. There is pleanty of evidence and study to support that. The major factor for the kids to adapt, is a daily environment that is predictable and secure.
If you tell the kids...and then drag it out as to when they will move to the new plce...that would make them wondering, each day, when "It" is going to happen. To me that seems the worse choice.
If he plans to move from the house...then...do it right away...or you go to the new house, now.
You are the Captain of their ship...and they will pick up on your indeciciveness, whether you think they do or not.....They are far more observant that adults give credit to. My guess is that they already know more about the divorce than you think they do.....
thousandwords...if you try to go through this without any (temporary discomfort).....you will be waiting another hundred years....LOL...you would be moving from the house to your own senior living facility.....

thousandwords53

Lol! Ok Dandy you got me again...I do ask myself "WWDD?" (What would Dandy do" haha...it's like when you're mom was right but you don't want to fess up...I also ask myself what my counselor would say...
Obviously I have problems with choices. I am just feeling the magnitude of it all and want to guide my kiddos through this unscathed as possible. And I over think. A lot. Lol.

dandylion

thousandwords....(WWDD) That is funny!!
Of course, all of us caring mothers want the to spare our kids as much negative effects as possible. Just remember that is the whole point of what you are doing----to spare them the damage of living in an already broken home. That you are doing this to spare them from any more such damage. To give them some really happy memories of their childhood to carry into their adult years....

Ariesagain

Dealing with change develops resilience, which is a life skill that will serve them well. I suspected this will come as little surprise to them.

Is there a reason not to have the conversation sooner?

hearthealth

Thousandwords, I think until you have a court ruling giving occupancy to you, he can come and go even if he moves in to his family. I wish I had my own place when things were happening this year. It would have signified a more permanent decision.

thousandwords53

I do think you're right. And I hate dragging it out any longer, we will probably have a family talk tonight instead. I will spend the night and tomorrow at the new house setting it up best as possible. They will stay the night with their dad at "home" and we will transition to new house afterwards. I am just trying to be graceful and thoughtful with the entire situation. I appreciate the input and other's point of view on this !

Soulful

This resonated with me so much.

thousandwords53

Kids took the news as better than I imagined. We told them as a team, probably the first time we've really worked together in a long time. H and I have had some good talks and cried it out together this morning. I was able to tell him many things I haven't been able to. He truly apologized for the first time. This hurts so badly. This process has unfolded in a different and surprisingly cooperative way...
So much to process. My brain and heart ache. Just checking in.

dandylion

thousandwords...good....I am glad that is over and that the kids took it as well as could be expected.
Make sure you throw away your rose colored glasses. He may be cunning enough to know that if he acts super cooperative, right now...it will send you scurrying right back. Remember, he knows your buttons so well, and has used that to his benefit, many times, in the past.....
Keep your "list of reasons" close by and read them as often as you need to....

Hawkeye13

I think when you continue to move forward with the moving, etc. you will find dandy is right (as usual)
and that he will become less cooperative when it doesn't buy him yet another chance.

I'm glad you both were able to work together to tell the kids--

Challenger2013

My AW will be served later this week, so I know how you feel.

“Remember that the dread is worse than the actual thing!”

Words to live by!