Struggling

Old 11-09-2017, 07:53 AM
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Struggling

I've been having a tough past few days and I'm really trying to push through...I thought posting here might help.

I'm just overcome with sadness and what scares me the most is my lack of motivation at work. I feel myself fight back the "I don't care" attitude while it grows stronger every day.

Like other threads talk about, I'm just exhausted mentally and emotionally from everything surrounding my divorce and continuing to have to deal with an angry, delusional ex.

I use all of my strength to be present for my child when he's home from school. And to be honest, just being around him and his joyful spirit does lift me up..... I just feel like a part of me is dying inside.....I hope its the part that allows my STBXAH and the unfortunate reality we are in to hurt me.

Ok.....back to work. Thanks for listening. MAN ALIVE this ain't for sissies.
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Old 11-09-2017, 07:57 AM
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I can understand. Things are much more calm for me now, but during the throes of texts from my XAH making me feel like crap, and trying to stay afloat, I felt the same way. Exhausted. Checked out.

Best thing I ever did was cut all that contact. Nope. If it's not about my children (and I don't mean opinions on this or that, but more just X child has X event on this day and time), I don't speak it.

I usto feel it was my duty to tell him how the kids were feeling in reaction to his terrible behaviors. What was going on. Trying to coparent, you know, like a normal person. He is no normal person, and I have realized I cannot have a regular coparenting relationship w/him. I fully accept that and do whatever I have to do for myself and my children. I have them in counseling so whatever comes their way they can handle it.

Big hugs.
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Old 11-09-2017, 08:10 AM
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Not for sissies! Man you are not kidding. I’m feeling it too. Sending you a hug.
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Old 11-09-2017, 11:12 AM
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No, this ain't for sissies...you are SO right. Anyhow, good job doing what you're doing. I understand about work...it's another stressor in your life of stressors right now. When I am feeling stressed it helps me to take it one moment at a time; one day at a time....step by step...try to focus on anything that's positive and there are days when most of us struggle with that even when we're not going through what you're going through...try to keep your routines simple when you can...but treat yourself in small (or big) ways...be GOOD to yourself....guilt freeeeee!!
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Old 11-09-2017, 11:23 AM
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((((Hugs))))) Not for wimps, indeed!

Don't forget that focusing on the basics can make all the difference - getting enough sleep, staying hydrated, eating well & exercising, etc. What you're feeling sounds very, very normal for this stage of the process especially.... it's a huge adjustment.
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Old 11-09-2017, 08:35 PM
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B,
Yes, they can take every thing from you and then some. Deep breaths, and like said above one hour at a time. Hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day. Just keep moving forward.
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Old 11-09-2017, 10:35 PM
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Totally relate!!!

And yet...

I'm a wimp. I'm a sissy. I am strong. I am weak. I made it through.

We get to be whatever we need to in order to survive, get through the day, find healing...

Some days are harder... others will give a breather.

Hang in there.

(((Hugs)))

KTF
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Old 11-10-2017, 12:48 AM
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Hey sister,

Keep pushing through. Having a son really makes every sacrifice totally worth it. I hope that you can find time for yourself to relax and to let the negative thoughts float away from you. I'm hoping you all the best

Sending warm hugs and positivity!!!
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Old 11-10-2017, 03:04 AM
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Any chance of a couple of days off? Or a trip away from home, even for the weekend?
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Old 11-10-2017, 06:59 AM
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Good morning! I want to thank everyone for their posts and support yesterday.

Just by putting my feelings out there and knowing there are others to listen makes the world of difference. The fog began to clear yesterday afternoon and I tried to just accept how I felt and by doing it, I started to feel better.

This morning after dropping my son off at school, someone drove by with the windows down blasting Michael Jackson from their car and it put a huge smile on my face. I'm choosing to hold onto that smile as long as I can today...

It's Friday, I get to snuggle my babe all weekend and for that I am eternally grateful!

You all help me so much. Thank you!
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Old 11-10-2017, 07:05 AM
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and continuing to have to deal with an angry, delusional ex.
I remember being in this stage, it was when I didn't know a healthier way for myself to deal with that delusional ex. It took me a while to implement healthier reactions and ways to balance the needed contact (the children).

Not only did I need to teach myself new ways I also needed to teach him new expectations. I limited my contact via the phone, I set regular times during the week for him to contact and talk with his children by phone and I didn't deviate from that schedule no matter how much he complained. I would follow up any nonsense he spewed over the phone with an email.

Example: He complained that the time I set for him to talk to his kids over the phone interfered with his job and that I needed to allow him to be more flexible.
My email would then read: based on our phone conversation tonight you feel that the time I have set between 630-800 pm on Tuesday and Thursday nights for you to talk with your kids over the phone interferes with your schedule and that you are proposing a time between 10pm-11pm would work better for you, is that correct? That would require me to wake the children on school nights to receive your call, I will be happy to meet you back in court to modify our original agreement and have a judge decide. Please advise how you'd like to proceed.

Of course he would never reply, was smart enough not to put his demands in writing but I taught him how I was going to handle his nonsense. That nonsense got less and less. And when he would attempt to berate me over the phone, I cut him off and said hold on I'll get the kids and didn't give him the time to dump on me.
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Old 11-10-2017, 09:19 AM
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Alatose - this is excellent advice! Thank you.
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:18 PM
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Atalose describes my experience to a T. Even now years later, I'm still getting angry delusional and drunk communications from ex, though much less than I used to.

For me, I had to figure out that I was responding much more than I needed to. 90% of what my ex sent me did not require any reply - it was him building up his narrative of victimhood or trying to bait me into an argument. And it worked a lot of the time, because I'm somewhat argumentative by nature and because it took me a while to lose the desire to prove to him that he was totally WRONG. You can imagine how effective I was in doing that.

I had (still have) a three-part rule for responding to any communication from ex. I ask:

1. Is it polite? (no name-calling, no swearing)
2. Is it about Kid? (because there's really nothing else to discuss with him)
3. Is it a direct question, a legitimate request for information about Kid, or providing me with new information about Kid that merits a brief acknowledgment?

If the answer to any of the questions above was "no", I didn't respond. This helped keep a lid on my tendency to want to "talk things out", which was just keeping me engaged with an angry alcoholic.

I found that dealing with him was a bit like training a dog - you reinforce the behavior you want to encourage (communicating politely and to-the-point) and ignore the behavior you want to extinguish (ten-page paranoid rants). Eventually the former increases and the latter decreases (although unfortunately does not completely disappear).
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:59 PM
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Congrats BAW for pushing through a tough day/week. I hope you catch a breather this weekend. This pushing through is really the heart and soul of healing and moving on.

Like most others probably did, I chuckled at the not-for-sissies bit. Does our sense of humor get a bit dark? Just a teeny bit maybe?
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