Adult daughter is distant
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Adult daughter is distant
It seems to me that my adult daughter does not want to spend any time with me since i divorced her father (12/15).
It was very difficult for me especially when he replaced me so quickly. My daughter lets her son , a toddler, stay the weekend with them. They are not drinking when they have my g son. But the gf is known to take pills, drink, and then go crazy and my xah is in poor health-has 27 heart stents.
I feel like im an afterthought that she plans her holidays around her father and her husband`s family and i get whatever dates are left.
I was married for 32 yrs and she was an adult when i left. Actually, i left at her urging. I just dont u derstand her coolness toward me.
I paid for braces, a french horn, went to all school events, took out parent loans for college, bought a car for her when she went to college, etc....my xah husband did none of that. Even though i was married and all of us under the same roof i was basically a single parent.
She doesnt know this but my xah has said horrible things about her and her husband. Her husband is a different ethnicity than her.
I just want to know if any of you had this happen. Im to the point that, like with my marriage, i need to shake the dust off my shoes and keep moving.
I feel unappreciated and think ive raised a daughter who thinks of me last
It was very difficult for me especially when he replaced me so quickly. My daughter lets her son , a toddler, stay the weekend with them. They are not drinking when they have my g son. But the gf is known to take pills, drink, and then go crazy and my xah is in poor health-has 27 heart stents.
I feel like im an afterthought that she plans her holidays around her father and her husband`s family and i get whatever dates are left.
I was married for 32 yrs and she was an adult when i left. Actually, i left at her urging. I just dont u derstand her coolness toward me.
I paid for braces, a french horn, went to all school events, took out parent loans for college, bought a car for her when she went to college, etc....my xah husband did none of that. Even though i was married and all of us under the same roof i was basically a single parent.
She doesnt know this but my xah has said horrible things about her and her husband. Her husband is a different ethnicity than her.
I just want to know if any of you had this happen. Im to the point that, like with my marriage, i need to shake the dust off my shoes and keep moving.
I feel unappreciated and think ive raised a daughter who thinks of me last
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I am going to go out on a limb here.....and think of a couple of possible dynamics?
I am only guessing/asking....because I don't
know what your family/marriage life was like.....
Is it possible that you were very co-dependent with your husband....? If so, maybe your daughter is copying what she saw, growing up, and is repeating that in her current relationship....molding everything around HIS needs.....
Also, if you catered to your husband, a lot...perhaps she is relating to him in that same way, now.....
Another thought...if he was a distant father, sometimes, the adult child will try to foster the relationship that was missed....trying to get a close relationship with the distant parent while she can.....
If you were taken for granted while the family was under one roof...then, maybe this is just an extension of how people learned how to treat you....
I am just asking.......
I am only guessing/asking....because I don't
know what your family/marriage life was like.....
Is it possible that you were very co-dependent with your husband....? If so, maybe your daughter is copying what she saw, growing up, and is repeating that in her current relationship....molding everything around HIS needs.....
Also, if you catered to your husband, a lot...perhaps she is relating to him in that same way, now.....
Another thought...if he was a distant father, sometimes, the adult child will try to foster the relationship that was missed....trying to get a close relationship with the distant parent while she can.....
If you were taken for granted while the family was under one roof...then, maybe this is just an extension of how people learned how to treat you....
I am just asking.......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by dandylion 
I am going to go out on a limb here.....and think of a couple of possible dynamics?
I am only guessing/asking....because I don't
know what your family/marriage life was like.....
Is it possible that you were very co-dependent with your husband....? If so, maybe your daughter is copying what she saw, growing up, and is repeating that in her current relationship....molding everything around HIS needs.....
Also, if you catered to your husband, a lot...perhaps she is relating to him in that same way, now.....
Another thought...if he was a distant father, sometimes, the adult child will try to foster the relationship that was missed....trying to get a close relationship with the distant parent while she can.....
If you were taken for granted while the family was under one roof...then, maybe this is just an extension of how people learned how to treat you....
I am just asking.......
I am only guessing/asking....because I don't
know what your family/marriage life was like.....
Is it possible that you were very co-dependent with your husband....? If so, maybe your daughter is copying what she saw, growing up, and is repeating that in her current relationship....molding everything around HIS needs.....
Also, if you catered to your husband, a lot...perhaps she is relating to him in that same way, now.....
Another thought...if he was a distant father, sometimes, the adult child will try to foster the relationship that was missed....trying to get a close relationship with the distant parent while she can.....
If you were taken for granted while the family was under one roof...then, maybe this is just an extension of how people learned how to treat you....
I am just asking.......
Yes everything was molded around his needs. I also see her doing this in her own marriage, although her husband is a non drinker and not abusive.
We walked on eggshells, hid the shotgun from him, locked ourselves in a room, listened to him rant and rave (drunk or sober), etc...... She couldnt stand him or his drinking. Its this shift in her behavior that has disheartened me. She and i are the only ones who know how abusive he is. This man is beloved by all.
I was taken for granted . Hindsight is 20/20. If i had had one clue that this is how my relationship with my only child was going to end up i wouldve left decades earlier.
Its almost like i was a non thinker and had no foresight.
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rae145......Your situation has been described many times, here on the forum. It seems a common that the child will turn from the non-involved or abusive parent, after the parents split, if they grew up watching the relationship of their parents.
I think it is unlikely that your daughter is even consciously aware of this...of these dynamics. And, she may not even be aware of how you feel about all of this..
How is this a change of behavior....if this is what she grew up with...she probably just sees this as "normal"....I understand how it hurts (I am a mother, also)...but, how she be blamed for what she knows as normal....
To you..I imagine that it felt like the "good parent" and the "bad parent", and, naturally, you assumed that she would "pick" the good parent to align herself with.
I doubt that she hates you...I am sure that she doesn't....just, maybe taking you for granted...sort of like the wallpaper.
I would suggest that you might get the literature from the organization Adult Children of Alcoholics....you can get their books from amazon.com. It would help you come to more of an understanding of what is going on...and help you to understand it is not because she doesn't love you. Their material also applies to any dysfunction in the family...not just alcoholism.
So much of this can be generational....generation after generation.....
I really do get how much it hurts your heart.....
I think it is unlikely that your daughter is even consciously aware of this...of these dynamics. And, she may not even be aware of how you feel about all of this..
How is this a change of behavior....if this is what she grew up with...she probably just sees this as "normal"....I understand how it hurts (I am a mother, also)...but, how she be blamed for what she knows as normal....
To you..I imagine that it felt like the "good parent" and the "bad parent", and, naturally, you assumed that she would "pick" the good parent to align herself with.
I doubt that she hates you...I am sure that she doesn't....just, maybe taking you for granted...sort of like the wallpaper.
I would suggest that you might get the literature from the organization Adult Children of Alcoholics....you can get their books from amazon.com. It would help you come to more of an understanding of what is going on...and help you to understand it is not because she doesn't love you. Their material also applies to any dysfunction in the family...not just alcoholism.
So much of this can be generational....generation after generation.....
I really do get how much it hurts your heart.....
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, rae.
I really don’t have answers or advice as I don’t know what the family dynamic was.
Do you get a sense of resentment from her?
Or just that you are low on the priority list.
A family member divorced when his children were in grade school.
As divorces went, it was reasonably amicable, and one thing they tried hard to do was to keep the kids out of disagreements.
One of the kids, now an adult with a family of his own, has chosen distance, geographical as well as emotional, from his dad.
I don’t know why, and I know it saddens the family member.
Sometimes there are no answers.
I really don’t have answers or advice as I don’t know what the family dynamic was.
Do you get a sense of resentment from her?
Or just that you are low on the priority list.
A family member divorced when his children were in grade school.
As divorces went, it was reasonably amicable, and one thing they tried hard to do was to keep the kids out of disagreements.
One of the kids, now an adult with a family of his own, has chosen distance, geographical as well as emotional, from his dad.
I don’t know why, and I know it saddens the family member.
Sometimes there are no answers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 122
I dont think she is consciously aware of this either. The last two Christmas' ive been invited to her house after she had my xah and his gf there. She did nothing-i mean no festivities other than opening gifts. No holiday food (not even an everyday meal), but she had a spread for her father and gf.
I attempted to bow out today but she accused me of being mad and i am just too tired to explain how i feel. I have done so before and i got quite an earful. She passes judgement on me fairly easy.
I will look at acoa literature and read some of those threads too.
Thank you
Its hard to accept that i caused this.
I attempted to bow out today but she accused me of being mad and i am just too tired to explain how i feel. I have done so before and i got quite an earful. She passes judgement on me fairly easy.
I will look at acoa literature and read some of those threads too.
Thank you
Its hard to accept that i caused this.
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rae.....young people ARE very judgemental, quite often. I am curious--is her father a judgemental person?
I don't know how old she is...but, I assume that she is still pretty young?
She still has a lot to learn......about life, etc.
I do think that she was rather insensitive, today. from what you describe. Again, it is like you are the wallpaper. Make sure the dad is fed....did you always make sure that he had all his m eals?...lol....
I caution you to be sure not to take m ore responsibility than is yours to bear. Her father is responsible for what took place, also.....What kind of example did he set? Didn't he teach her how to treat you...by setting an example for her to follow?? Of he did not demonstrate respect for you...he owns that, also!!
I don't know how old she is...but, I assume that she is still pretty young?
She still has a lot to learn......about life, etc.
I do think that she was rather insensitive, today. from what you describe. Again, it is like you are the wallpaper. Make sure the dad is fed....did you always make sure that he had all his m eals?...lol....
I caution you to be sure not to take m ore responsibility than is yours to bear. Her father is responsible for what took place, also.....What kind of example did he set? Didn't he teach her how to treat you...by setting an example for her to follow?? Of he did not demonstrate respect for you...he owns that, also!!
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Shes 33. Yes he's very judgemental, but only behind closed doors.
He did not demonstrate respect for me.
Yea i cooked-wish i wouldnt have now. Im a good cook, but he always had a complaint or lets not have that again or it was ok. Now that i look back on it, she was the same about my cooking.
I dont know why she wants this old faded wallpaper at her house Christmas. Lol
He did not demonstrate respect for me.
Yea i cooked-wish i wouldnt have now. Im a good cook, but he always had a complaint or lets not have that again or it was ok. Now that i look back on it, she was the same about my cooking.
I dont know why she wants this old faded wallpaper at her house Christmas. Lol
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Posts: 11,589
she may be 33 but she is still a child of an alcoholic. ACOAs develop a strange protective bond with their A parent - after all they've learned from birth that the alcoholic is the center of the family universe. they have likely had to tell stories that weren't quite true to explain the parent's behavior....they have likely seen that parent be drunk, stagger around, injure themselves in their state....they have learned that everything is about THAT parent.
she can't have both her parents in her home at the same time. especially during the holiday FAMILY season. she is forced to pick one. she likely picks the weaker one, knowing that the stronger, stable parent will understand, and not freak out. not make things worse. she doesn't really have a better option.
and she knows, i hope, that she doesn't NEED to decorate or put on airs or knock herself out all day to prepare YOU a feast. that you will be glad to just spend time with your family.
she can't have both her parents in her home at the same time. especially during the holiday FAMILY season. she is forced to pick one. she likely picks the weaker one, knowing that the stronger, stable parent will understand, and not freak out. not make things worse. she doesn't really have a better option.
and she knows, i hope, that she doesn't NEED to decorate or put on airs or knock herself out all day to prepare YOU a feast. that you will be glad to just spend time with your family.
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rae...the whole story is not written, yet.....there is still a long way to go....
That is the good news.
Change has to take place.....change for you will start the process for her to begin to view you in another light. It won't be overnight, of course....
It is important to note that when we make a change, those around us will resist or be shocked, and all kinds of reactions, at first....they will probably kick up their heels, because, it will interrupt their old ways of doing things.....they might think you have list your mind!!! That is o.k. Most people resist change.....
I think it would be excellent if you engaged a therapist to help you, if you are not already seeing one. You will need support....
for starters, I think that you have to start expecting respect from your family....at least, your daughter....
for one thing...a main rule that I believe in...is...Always, always, use "I" sentences.
For example....Do not say..."You always seem to neglect me as compared to your dad and your husband's family"
Do say...."I feel neglected compared to your dad and your husband's side of the family". If she gets snarky (and, she probably will)....say I know my oown feelings...and, that is how I feel. Then, end it...don't get into prolonged arguments or debates. The idea is to make your feelings known. Period. It is up to h er to process it, herself!
sooner or later she must learn...and, be informed, nicely as possible...that you have been taken for granted and disrespected for years...and, you are changing ....that you will no longer take rudeness or disrespectfulness, and that you are not going to suck hind tit, ever, again....for the rest of your life.
It is a process.....and it won't always go in a straight line....but, by the time she is...say, 35.....she may well look at you through a different filter.....
That is the good news.
Change has to take place.....change for you will start the process for her to begin to view you in another light. It won't be overnight, of course....
It is important to note that when we make a change, those around us will resist or be shocked, and all kinds of reactions, at first....they will probably kick up their heels, because, it will interrupt their old ways of doing things.....they might think you have list your mind!!! That is o.k. Most people resist change.....
I think it would be excellent if you engaged a therapist to help you, if you are not already seeing one. You will need support....
for starters, I think that you have to start expecting respect from your family....at least, your daughter....
for one thing...a main rule that I believe in...is...Always, always, use "I" sentences.
For example....Do not say..."You always seem to neglect me as compared to your dad and your husband's family"
Do say...."I feel neglected compared to your dad and your husband's side of the family". If she gets snarky (and, she probably will)....say I know my oown feelings...and, that is how I feel. Then, end it...don't get into prolonged arguments or debates. The idea is to make your feelings known. Period. It is up to h er to process it, herself!
sooner or later she must learn...and, be informed, nicely as possible...that you have been taken for granted and disrespected for years...and, you are changing ....that you will no longer take rudeness or disrespectfulness, and that you are not going to suck hind tit, ever, again....for the rest of your life.
It is a process.....and it won't always go in a straight line....but, by the time she is...say, 35.....she may well look at you through a different filter.....
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rae...think of a pool of water. When you throw a stone into the middle of it...it starts a ripple process that, eventually, reaches all of the edges of pool.
A change in one part, causes a reaction in all of the parts of the pool.
Think of yourself as the stone...that starts the change)
A change in one part, causes a reaction in all of the parts of the pool.
Think of yourself as the stone...that starts the change)
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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The Power of One
God grant me the serenity
To accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the one I can
And the wisdom to know -
That one is me.
That ripple effect is very strong, it may just require some cool polarizing glasses to make them apparent.
Alanon, therapy and finding a connection to Inner Spirit/God/Mother Earth/Universe are what gave my a new look at life and my relationships. It is truly like having polarized glasses. They aren't providing a false image, they're simply removing a haze that blurs the beautiful that's there.
One day at a time. You're asking great questions, looking at what you want and what you don't want... that's a possible catalist for great change.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the one I can
And the wisdom to know -
That one is me.
That ripple effect is very strong, it may just require some cool polarizing glasses to make them apparent.
Alanon, therapy and finding a connection to Inner Spirit/God/Mother Earth/Universe are what gave my a new look at life and my relationships. It is truly like having polarized glasses. They aren't providing a false image, they're simply removing a haze that blurs the beautiful that's there.
One day at a time. You're asking great questions, looking at what you want and what you don't want... that's a possible catalist for great change.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 122
Maudcat,
I did get a sense of resentment from her. I am not the type of mother who expects to talk with her daily or even weekly. I keep my space bc i dont want to be overbearing. Youre right, sometimes there are no answers. Maybe thats the case here.
Anvil,
No she knows she doesnt have to knock herself out preparing for me. But i do like to have at least one meal a day. Lol last christmas i offered and went and picked up some takeout. Fortunately, there was a restaurant open.
Dandy
Yes i have a therapist -for a little over a yr now. . Daughter also sought counseling about 5 years ago.
Ill use the I statements next time i talk to her. Thanks for your help and suggestions.
I did get a sense of resentment from her. I am not the type of mother who expects to talk with her daily or even weekly. I keep my space bc i dont want to be overbearing. Youre right, sometimes there are no answers. Maybe thats the case here.
Anvil,
No she knows she doesnt have to knock herself out preparing for me. But i do like to have at least one meal a day. Lol last christmas i offered and went and picked up some takeout. Fortunately, there was a restaurant open.
Dandy
Yes i have a therapist -for a little over a yr now. . Daughter also sought counseling about 5 years ago.
Ill use the I statements next time i talk to her. Thanks for your help and suggestions.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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rae...I don't believe that there "aren't any answers". There are always answers...It is just that we don' always know what they are.
I think that it is awfully passive to just roll over and say...."there just aren't any answers." No change will ever come from that...
Have you ever brought this subject up with your counselor....is your counselor trained for this specific kind of thing..?
You can gain a lot of insight and self esteem yourself, by going to alanon meetings and getting a sponsor....and/or CODA meetings.....
And, reading the literature from Adult Children of Alcoholics....
You will need to become the agent of change....
No more shrinking violet....
there are some other good books that you can read also...if you ever want to know about them...just PM me....
Remember that knowledge is p ower
I think that it is awfully passive to just roll over and say...."there just aren't any answers." No change will ever come from that...
Have you ever brought this subject up with your counselor....is your counselor trained for this specific kind of thing..?
You can gain a lot of insight and self esteem yourself, by going to alanon meetings and getting a sponsor....and/or CODA meetings.....
And, reading the literature from Adult Children of Alcoholics....
You will need to become the agent of change....
No more shrinking violet....
there are some other good books that you can read also...if you ever want to know about them...just PM me....
Remember that knowledge is p ower
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My thought process is similar to Anvil's. I am just guessing here, but I am guessing that she over exerts herself trying to please her father, and wears herself out doing so. That you are her "safe" parent. The one who is unconditional love. So many times, that parent, the safe parent, gets lashed out at, simply because they know we are safe. We are not going anywhere. We love our children with unconditional love, and can process and understand the why behind their behavior.
While it is definitely not fair, it happens all the time.
My suggestion would be to say to her that since she does so many other events around the holidays, you would like for her to relax and have a nice time, so why not either invite her over to your home, or invite her to a spa or somewhere that you could have genuine time without the pressures that come along with the holidays?
I love the holidays and all that comes with it. However, I also know for my children it's a stressful time that they have to figure out dividing time between two very different families. It's much more pressure on them than it is for me. Sometimes that is fun, sometimes it is not. Their father struggles more with addiction during the holidays, so it makes it an unknown and sometimes VERY stressful time.
I send you big hugs from one momma to another. I understand, I validate what you are saying. I hope you brainstorm to find a solution that is pleasing to both you and your daughter so you can enjoy each other's company. Try to let the past go and focus on making new happy traditions.
While it is definitely not fair, it happens all the time.
My suggestion would be to say to her that since she does so many other events around the holidays, you would like for her to relax and have a nice time, so why not either invite her over to your home, or invite her to a spa or somewhere that you could have genuine time without the pressures that come along with the holidays?
I love the holidays and all that comes with it. However, I also know for my children it's a stressful time that they have to figure out dividing time between two very different families. It's much more pressure on them than it is for me. Sometimes that is fun, sometimes it is not. Their father struggles more with addiction during the holidays, so it makes it an unknown and sometimes VERY stressful time.
I send you big hugs from one momma to another. I understand, I validate what you are saying. I hope you brainstorm to find a solution that is pleasing to both you and your daughter so you can enjoy each other's company. Try to let the past go and focus on making new happy traditions.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 19
Rae,
I couldn't help but respond to your post. It's been over a month since I have visited this forum. I posted about my mom being in the hospital with cirhossis of the liver and kidney failure. She ended up passing away just over a month ago. I'm not sure what compelled me to come to this forum, but I came across your post and it resonates with me.
I alienated my mom the past two and a half years. Partly because she left our family and decided to separate from my dad and partly her alcoholism.
I'm truly sorry you're going through this. I have immense guilt that consumes me daily ever since my mom passed. If I could rewind time, I would have a relationship with my mom in a heartbeat. Although our situations aren't exactly the same, all I can say is that I just didn't get it, until now, unfortunately. Sometimes yes, I was a brat and selfish (hence my guilt). There are really a million things I can say, but I just want you to know that your daughter does love you, she just doesn't get it...yet. And hopefully one day she will. But please, do not be too hard on yourself and like you said, keep moving.
<3
I couldn't help but respond to your post. It's been over a month since I have visited this forum. I posted about my mom being in the hospital with cirhossis of the liver and kidney failure. She ended up passing away just over a month ago. I'm not sure what compelled me to come to this forum, but I came across your post and it resonates with me.
I alienated my mom the past two and a half years. Partly because she left our family and decided to separate from my dad and partly her alcoholism.
I'm truly sorry you're going through this. I have immense guilt that consumes me daily ever since my mom passed. If I could rewind time, I would have a relationship with my mom in a heartbeat. Although our situations aren't exactly the same, all I can say is that I just didn't get it, until now, unfortunately. Sometimes yes, I was a brat and selfish (hence my guilt). There are really a million things I can say, but I just want you to know that your daughter does love you, she just doesn't get it...yet. And hopefully one day she will. But please, do not be too hard on yourself and like you said, keep moving.
<3
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 528
I left May 2016. MY son has refused to have anything to do withy me. My daughter has been cool... and hurtful at times. I am seeing a therapist- and that is the reason why. When I left I never anticipated this would happen. I also am considering just shaking the dust off my shoes and moving on. And I guess if I did that, XAH wins.. and wins big. XAH has tried every way he can to hurt me. I was a good Mom and kept up a good attitude within the marriage. I stayed for the kids. I wish I knew the lies XAH is saying- DD has told me some - but I just don't understand. Lately after I responded in an honest but angry fashion- very respectful.-DD was actually a little better towards me. But I don't know what to do. I don't think there is going to be any way I find out why- until the kids tell me. I will tell you that none of the "reasons" that it may have happened that I have read on SR have rung true for me. Also what has really rung true - and I trust -is that friends have told me I was a loving caring parent and I don't deserve this from them. This truth comes from people who know me and have known me a long time and I trust them to tell me the truth. I am going to stay strong and live a happy life. I stayed because I thought it was the right thing. I left because I wanted to be with someone who loved me and I could count on and who would care about what I wanted also. I would do the same thing all over again. I hope my kids are happy. they are independent, educated, and have good jobs. My therapist has really helped me get in touch with my anger at the kids and I feel so much better this week.
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