Acknowledgement but no action
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 8
Acknowledgement but no action
I need to share this with people who understand. Thank you for being a support.
I found out my ex has been disrespectfully snarking about me on Reddit, including about my alcohol concerns, on an account that people we know follow and is easily recognizable as him.
I used this as a reason to lay out everything I think about him and alcohol in one email and send it to him. For me, this was lethargic. I literally let go of every thought I have.
He responded defensively and said he was very offended I'd called him an alcoholic. My perceived diagnosis cheapens the severity of the issue of alcoholism itself, etc.
He said what defines an alcoholic is physical dependence and a lack of self control. And (here is the kicker) he acknowledged that he's an excessive drinker, identified with alcohol abuse, and said he should cut back, but that doesn't make him an alcoholic. He said he WANTS to drink much of the time but he doesn't physically NEED to drink. He knows he's at risk of alcoholism and isn't doing everything he can to mitigate that risk, but it's my problem that I don't like that.
Addiction is terrifying to see up close. I naively figured that addicts wouldn't acknowledge their problem; if you got someone to agree that they have a problem, they'd want to address the problem. He acknowledges he has a problem but won't address it because he likes his addiction and believes his self control is strong enough to prevent it spiraling out of control.
The problem I have with this ex is we're intertwined on a sports team and have a big group of friends in common. He wants us to continue to be friends. With the discovery that he's been disrespectfully and publicly talking about me online, perhaps as far back as during our relationship, I don't know if that can happen. But "no contact" isn't an option, so I'm really glad I could say everything I thought about him and alcohol. No regrets.
I found out my ex has been disrespectfully snarking about me on Reddit, including about my alcohol concerns, on an account that people we know follow and is easily recognizable as him.
I used this as a reason to lay out everything I think about him and alcohol in one email and send it to him. For me, this was lethargic. I literally let go of every thought I have.
He responded defensively and said he was very offended I'd called him an alcoholic. My perceived diagnosis cheapens the severity of the issue of alcoholism itself, etc.
He said what defines an alcoholic is physical dependence and a lack of self control. And (here is the kicker) he acknowledged that he's an excessive drinker, identified with alcohol abuse, and said he should cut back, but that doesn't make him an alcoholic. He said he WANTS to drink much of the time but he doesn't physically NEED to drink. He knows he's at risk of alcoholism and isn't doing everything he can to mitigate that risk, but it's my problem that I don't like that.
Addiction is terrifying to see up close. I naively figured that addicts wouldn't acknowledge their problem; if you got someone to agree that they have a problem, they'd want to address the problem. He acknowledges he has a problem but won't address it because he likes his addiction and believes his self control is strong enough to prevent it spiraling out of control.
The problem I have with this ex is we're intertwined on a sports team and have a big group of friends in common. He wants us to continue to be friends. With the discovery that he's been disrespectfully and publicly talking about me online, perhaps as far back as during our relationship, I don't know if that can happen. But "no contact" isn't an option, so I'm really glad I could say everything I thought about him and alcohol. No regrets.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Haven, your attempts to get him to acknowledge he has a problem met with a predictable result. But if he's your ex and you only have contact with him through sports and mutual friends then consider whether it's any of your business.
The Reddit thing is your business because he's being disrespectful. Hopefully it won't happen again, but it's a separate issue.
Non-contact is effective when one partner had codie issues, or there's abuse, or a clean break is needed. You don't sound hung up or still in love with him, or in any danger of getting sucked back in (correct me if I'm wrong) so meeting him in a social context may be viable, just stay right out of his personal life. You've made your views very clear but beyond that you have no role.
If you back off chances are he won't resent it enough to make it public again.
The Reddit thing is your business because he's being disrespectful. Hopefully it won't happen again, but it's a separate issue.
Non-contact is effective when one partner had codie issues, or there's abuse, or a clean break is needed. You don't sound hung up or still in love with him, or in any danger of getting sucked back in (correct me if I'm wrong) so meeting him in a social context may be viable, just stay right out of his personal life. You've made your views very clear but beyond that you have no role.
If you back off chances are he won't resent it enough to make it public again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
As FeelingGreat has said, he's your ex and you really don't have a role here. But, I did want to say that many times people with alcohol problems will admit to the problem at hand. My dad was excellent at telling me he was an alcoholic but he never did much of anything at all about it. He used it as an excuse to keep drinking because, "An alcoholic's going to do what they do, and that is to DRINK."
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