equus

I'm tired - mainly because I have a cold and everyone feels like life is harder when they've got a cold!

I love my husband, he blows my mind with his tenacity and ability to keep wanting life. When I think of the stuff he's been through I've no idea how he managed not to give up. I wouldn't trade my extra-ordinary man for an easier ordinary one but just now I'm tired.

If he had MS, if he had a disease with no stigma, maybe sometimes I could get a little understanding from work, maybe people would expect me to struggle to get my head round it now and again. I'm a newly wed like any other full of hopes and dreams, except that I knew right from the start it wouldn't be easy. So many days I try so hard, I have to think so much of the time, nothing is simple.

9 Years ago I thought he would die (it's up to you if you believe that but I'm not going to avoid saying it), I don't think I've ever seen anyone so thin, drunk and in so much pain and despair. He was never a loud or aggressive drunk, he just spiralled in on himself. We were just friends and I thought all of this was the booze.

Before we got married he told me about so much that has nothing to do with booze, he wanted me to decide knowing. He told me he'd had 2 breakdowns, he told me he couldn't get out his front door for 3 months, he told me at school for over a year he couldn't speak. I just sat there thinking 'if these were illnesses without the stigma - you'd be anyone's hero' I kept thinking how many people can't fight one of them, but he was there employed and not forgiving himself a single mistake - he won't give himself any allowances.

I watch him fight, I hear him throw up because we're going into a crowded town, I see him loose weight so damn fast if he's depressed. He's packed up the drinking and trying to keep busy - so what do I do?

I moan because he said we were going to have a bath together then disappeared upstairs to play on the computer. I moan that he doesn't do enough back for me, I moan because he left me sat waiting, I moan because I cook for him, I bloody moan my head off!! Then we have a bath and I look at him, he holds my hand and says sorry but he just looks down.

I'm angry at the teacher who humiliated him for 4 years when he was so small, I'm angry at the booze for stripping what was left of his self worth, I'm angry at the university where lecturers and Phd students poured more booze down his neck just to get him to do their bloody maths, I'm angry that they never offered him any help when he'd gone to far to be of any use. I'm angry that THEY did so much hurt and damage, I look at him, I know he's damaged and tonight it was me that did it. Knowing what I know, I still did it.

Magichappens

Hey equus,
It is so hard to find emotional balance when the person we love can't. I feel for Mr Magic. He has had a hard life too. He is paying a very physical price for the things he has done to his body over the years. He hasn't had a drink in 16 years, and for that I am truly grateful. But over the last 5 years he has been on many powerful pain medications which have impaired him. He can't seem to take anything without getting to the point where he takes way too much. Last October he OD'd on hydrocodone and soma.

Even after that near death experience, he still continued to take pills to extreme. I told him that it scared me and upset me, but I wouldn't tell him how to handle his pain. I dealt with it. Last month he quit it all. You would think that would be the answer. But now we deal with intense pain from a deteriorated disk in his neck. It causes headaches and all sorts of pains in his body. The doctors have said surgery and 3 months recovery may alleviate it some, but not permanently. They suggest he wait until it is "unbearable." That leads us to believe that that is a last resort.

So my heart breaks for him. He pushes on. We don't do what we once could, but we still do as much as he is able. He has such a spirit. The pain gets him down sometimes. But he always seems to bounce back. I worry that someday it will suck him down and he won't come back. But for now, one day at a time, he is a fighter.

I have learned how to have some balance through the Al-Anon program. Detaching with love has allowed me to stay more postitive and be more encouraging, rather than "moan". I have this place, and my sponsor to vent to when I get down. I don't have to take it out on the ones I love so much. This has been a positive influence on my relationships.

Learning to forgive myself when I do the wrong thing is another positive thing. I'm not perfect. But I can accept and admit my part in things now. I can tell Mr Magic when I lash out that I am not perfect and that I made a mistake. This seems to help. I have blamed him many times for my unhappiness, and today I know he isn't responsible for that. I try to make sure he knows that I take that responsibility and it's not his burden.

Loving someone and being compassionate of the good in them is a wonderful quality. But letting it suck us down into despair isn't. Finding a balance that we can live with is what has helped me. Hugs, Magic

equus

Thanks Magic,

I know you're right, I've just cringed while reading a reply I made re - depression, until I got to the bottom and realised I owned up that I can't always pull it off!! I do need to learn to forgive myself I just find that very hard.

I've read a little about Al-anon since being here and I really don't think it's for me. I couldn't honestly (as an aithiest) work through the steps. I'm not big on hypocracy for conformity's sake even if it did mean I could meet others in the same position. I also simply don't agree with the character flaw view of alcoholism. My other half also has problem with lots of things that aren't addictive, eggs, milk, soya all can make him sick and can play merry hell with depression or anxiety. The effect 'things' have on him isn't the same as for most people and that has nothing to do with his character, he can't remember a time when he didn't have to deal with it. He was a 5 yr old who got high then threw up on milk!!! Not because of his character but because he had a severe food intolerence. I'm not asking that people here agree with me just that I can stay as an e-friend and have what I feel about it respected, I'm not tyring to suggest it doesn't help others or that other people shouldn't go.

I need the support here and I'm really worried I'll just pi$$ people off by saying al -anon isn't for me.

Magichappens

No judgement here. There are many ways to find recovery from the effects of alcoholism. I don't claim mine as the one and only. I offer it because it has worked so well for me, but I know that each finds their own path. I am not a follower of organized religion, only of spirituality and my own heart. If recovery had required patronage of religion, I would have had to pass. So I truly understand. I hope that you find a path that is right for you. Hugs, Magic

Karivan

Hi equus... I'm sorry you're sick. That seems to pull you down even further doesn't it?

I wanted to tell you that there are books for people who don't think that AA or Alanon are for them. I bought one of them but since I'm at work, of course I can't remember the name of it. Check out your local bookstore to see if there is something for you.

Next thing you know... you'll be "chuffed" again. (that whole thread was so funny)

equus

Thanks to both of you - I was really worried about that.

Magic -so much of what you wrote reminds me of how I feel with D. When you said what you can do has changed, that's true in my life too. D has always done whatever to make sure it doesn't happen but despite his best efforts he can't hide the effect some things have on him. I try hard not to ask for stuff that I know is nearly impossible for him to do, I know he'll try but something like going to a fair isn't worth what I see it put him through. He says he's fine, he says he'll deal with it, he says it's good for him but we don't live in a house big enough for me to not here him being sick and if I have my arm round him I feel him jump.

In a way it's like he's over-responsible, he doesn't make any allowances for himself and I know that, which makes me feel so bad when I put him through extra grief. My heart breaks for him too.

Karivan - you're right, I'll be chuffed again soon enough. Last night was so wierd and I felt so bad, waking up eyes streaming and sneezing my head off didn't help!!

PS - I'll have a look for books but any suggestions are welcome!

sweeks

Hey I almost think we need to start a thread on how to make alanon work for us athiests. Here's a link I found with some info on how to do it for AA:

http://wequitdrinking.typepad.com/bl...an_help_y.html

My Favorite part:

equus

Cheers Sweeks! I had a look at that and there were a couple of links that I found interesting.

Ideally though I'd like something that was always seperate - partly because al-anon does work for so many people that I hope it stays the way it is - just that there are more alternatives too.

bahookie

Hi

My tuppence worth is ...

I have fought with this one too. In the beginning, I took my higher power to be the organisations that are AA and Alanon. They obviously work as I've seen many well people who have been involved.
I had faith that it worked.

Faith in itself for an athiest is a toughy. But then I realised that I have faith in many things; some things that, even if I took the trouble to try and prove, I probably never could. The Universe being infinite - the universe not being infinite - the existance of quarks - that there are people I really can rely on in this world.

Personally, I'm coming to a new view of the world. But that's just me. This could work for you, give it a wee go and see what happens

If not, I'm sure there are other ways, and that you will find one that suits you. I'm certain that noone here would object if you stayed around.
Diversity is one of the best things about this world!

Love and hugs
J
xxx

gelfling

What a magnificent woman you are. Your heart is full of love and caring and it shows.

My heart also goes out to your husband. My son too went through humiliation and teasing through out school and at college. They offered no help eventhugh they saw him spiralling out of control. This makes me so very very angry.

I wonder at times if they had given him help in the early stages, would he still have become an alcoholic like his dad? Genetics and all that, but when he was home, life for him ran like a well oiled machine. No stressors, lots of love and peace of mind.

The opportunity to become a world travelled musician has diminished to about nothing. He was in Sweden and performed there and was to go to GB, but the booze got in the way. He went to school for 5 years and never finished. He still has 20 credits to get before he gets his degree. He owes over $40,000 and makes $150.00 a week and the government is haunting and hounding him. The chance of finishing school is slim. And he has the reputation for being an irrational drunk and couldn't get a job where he lives up by college.

He's worked really hard to maintain his sobriety. The little jobs he's able to get, he's faithful, on time and works hard. But the past will haunt him forever unless he leaves that town.

Society needs to be kicked in the ass for taking a good, intelligent and loving person and destroying their livelihood, self esteem and desire to function as a normal human being. But, what's one person amongst a thousand. They all look at the one person as the failure, but the other 999 are successful. Don't they know that the 1 person who has had problems in his life will probably be the most fruitful soul on this earth.

Sorry for the babbling, but reading your post about your love ignited feelings of anger for my son. Eventhough he's been through hell and back, I still get angry with him. When the government calls here asking where he is and when is he going to start paying back his loans. When creditors call saying they're sending his unpaid bills to a collection agency...and other stuff.

I see he is making the effort, but sometimes I feel as if he's given up and doesn't really care anymore. Just watching him with this attitude angers me and frightens me.

We can only go to our meetings and get the love and support from those who know what our lives are like. Pray to God that he will continue to hold our loved ones in his loving arms and protect them. And ask God to forgive me for thinking he can do better, when he probably can't at this stage of his life.

Blessings, Kathy

myselfagain

Magic,

I have heard of a few things that may be able to help your husbands back pain.
There is a site that you can go to and check out what I am talking about in case you have not heard about it thru his doctors.
Medtronics.com
click on health information, then go to pain then click on treatment in the yellow box and you can find a specialist in your area.
It is a medical device called a pump, it is inserted into a cavity in under the skin between the ribs ands the hipbone. Company that makes it is called Medtronics. It has a catather (ms) goes goes into the back area where the pain is and it runs a continutios flow of meds to that area. The patient has no control over how much, the pump is program to release a predetermained amount.If you are anywhere near Houston Tx TIRR is where they have been doing this for several years now. Thats about all I know of using it for back pain, you would have to do some research on it.
My daughter has Cerebral Palsy and has a pump that puts Baclofen a muscle relaxtion into her spinal cavity to keep her muscles loose so she doesnt get real stiff. Because it goes into the spinal cavity it does not affect her brain as it would if she were to take it by mouth.
The other thing I heard from a friend is where they go in and burns the nerve endings in that area to take away the pain. He had to go in every 6-9 months beacause the nerves grew back. At some point they stopped growing back. Not sure where or what kind of doctor he went to for that.
Sorry about my limited knowledge on this. There are new things happening all the time. Something else for you to research if you want.
Good luck

equus

"The opportunity to become a world travelled musician has diminished to about nothing. He was in Sweden and performed there and was to go to GB, but the booze got in the way. He went to school for 5 years and never finished. He still has 20 credits to get before he gets his degree. He owes over $40,000 and makes $150.00 a week and the government is haunting and hounding him. The chance of finishing school is slim. And he has the reputation for being an irrational drunk and couldn't get a job where he lives up by college. "


Kathy - I can imagine what you feel. The only tangible evidence that the university used D was the fact they let him stay 4 years and he never even completed one year of study. He had all the keys to computer labs, he was invited to staff parties, he had folk queuing up to buy him drinks in return for a 'chat' or some work doing. He got sicker and sicker but would still try to help anyone, he used to teach me physics. He was right when he said that people didn't treat him like a person, no-one knew he liked cartoons but most people seemed to know he could do the maths students equations in his head. He never even got a degree - he's still working on it via distance learning, he scores in the high nineties now when before he used to often get 100%. He hates the high marks and he hates it when he gets one below 95% because he thinks he's got brain damage. I wonder if they had helped him where he would be now - he remembers with affection the head of Chemistry who threatened to beat him up if he didn't stop drinking, in all those years that was the nearest anyone got to giving a damn what happened.

The fall out from when he was fulltime drinking is awful, he can't apply for the jobs he's more than capable of doing because he doesn't have the degree - when he applies for lower grade jobs - they won't take him on because his CV makes it clear he's been working at a far higher level. He gets work by word of mouth at half the rate he should be paid, his work IS brilliant and he's finally agreed to start keeping a portfolio where as before he felt it wasn't his property to show. He's in debt too, and the difference in our finances are hard. Even his CV is difficult - it has gaps all over and if he gets asked questions about things before 1996, he stuffed because he doesn't know, there are 3 years where he's got no idea what happened. It doesn't seem to matter how hard he works - it'll always follow him. I think sometimes he gets very down about that too.

I wish I was magnificent!!! Most of the time I just feel lucky!

Magichappens

myselfagain,
Thanks for the suggestion. I will pass it on to Mr Magic. I try to let him make the decisions on how he will handle his health. Though I don't agree with his methods, who am I to tell him how to live?

equus,
Have you checked out the booklist from the powerposts? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=4478 There may be some books you could check into. Hugs, Magic