What do I do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 5
What do I do?
This is my first post. Have been married 30+ years. Spouse has been to emergency room and urgent care 2x in October. Doesn't want to stop drinking. Doesn't want to go to detox though insurance covers it. We have a kid in college, 2 other teens, pets that can't live in an apartment, a mortgage and only my income. Spouse ran up 30k+ in credit card bills, and our state is a community property state, so from what I understand the debt is mine also. If I kick him out he has nowhere to go, and no income. I have looked into divorce or legal separation, but we would lose our home. Rents have skyrocketed here, so it is actually cheaper to keep the house, and my children shouldn't have to give up their home because of him.
Is there any way to force him into detox and rehab?
Is there any way to protect myself from his current and future debt?[/B]
Is there any way to force him into detox and rehab?
Is there any way to protect myself from his current and future debt?[/B]
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think you should hire an attorney for the legal and financial part.
You cannot force him into detox or rehab. Even if you could, how would you make that stick afterwards - for the rest of your lives? Best thing to do is start to unravel this with an attorney.
Giving him a warm bed in a nice house with a family hasn't worked, right? Let him suffer the consequences of his drunken, unemployed life. You can get a roommate to help with expenses or sell the house if that is what is required.
I've done it - twice. My husband; I asked him to leave and he lived in an office space for a while, and I broke up with a boyfriend with just a box of clothes to his name. I have no regrets. They did it to themselves. They both survived and I was better off for it.
You cannot force him into detox or rehab. Even if you could, how would you make that stick afterwards - for the rest of your lives? Best thing to do is start to unravel this with an attorney.
Giving him a warm bed in a nice house with a family hasn't worked, right? Let him suffer the consequences of his drunken, unemployed life. You can get a roommate to help with expenses or sell the house if that is what is required.
I've done it - twice. My husband; I asked him to leave and he lived in an office space for a while, and I broke up with a boyfriend with just a box of clothes to his name. I have no regrets. They did it to themselves. They both survived and I was better off for it.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Definitely talk to an attorney who specializes in divorce. Property and debt division seems to vary widely depending on where you live. A legal separation might protect your assets...it’s worth finding out, yes?
Sending you a hug. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Sending you a hug. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Hi Uracan,
I was with an ABF (now XABF) for 13 years. We own a home together. It's complicated because I'm the only one on the loan and I put him on the deed. He's, therefore, benefitting from the home with no risk. I waffled for years because I didn't want to lose my home and I didn't want to risk my credit. My XABF continually got worse and I was starting up an at home business. I hit my wall and decided that I would risk the hit to my credit and the loss of my home. I left the home that I busted my butt for two years to qualify for. The one that worked hard to find...the one that I closed on alone....the first home I ever bought...my dream home and my dream neighborhood.
I sit here after reading a crappy text he just sent me and know that I am safely away from him. I am away from him. And, you know what? The kids are happier being out of that environment, too. It's like we're all different people...we laugh a lot, we hang out in the living room together and we speak in a normal tone of voice (before we couldn't because we didn't want to wake him up and get screamed at for interrupting his pass-out...errr...I mean nap. That, to me, was worth any risk I face financially. I am just waiting to have to deal with the financial mess but until then, I'm at peace.
Each person is different and it took me a LONG time (I mean years) to decide. You'll hit your wall, too, and eventually know what to do. Just breathe and focus on yourself for now. Hugs!
I was with an ABF (now XABF) for 13 years. We own a home together. It's complicated because I'm the only one on the loan and I put him on the deed. He's, therefore, benefitting from the home with no risk. I waffled for years because I didn't want to lose my home and I didn't want to risk my credit. My XABF continually got worse and I was starting up an at home business. I hit my wall and decided that I would risk the hit to my credit and the loss of my home. I left the home that I busted my butt for two years to qualify for. The one that worked hard to find...the one that I closed on alone....the first home I ever bought...my dream home and my dream neighborhood.
I sit here after reading a crappy text he just sent me and know that I am safely away from him. I am away from him. And, you know what? The kids are happier being out of that environment, too. It's like we're all different people...we laugh a lot, we hang out in the living room together and we speak in a normal tone of voice (before we couldn't because we didn't want to wake him up and get screamed at for interrupting his pass-out...errr...I mean nap. That, to me, was worth any risk I face financially. I am just waiting to have to deal with the financial mess but until then, I'm at peace.
Each person is different and it took me a LONG time (I mean years) to decide. You'll hit your wall, too, and eventually know what to do. Just breathe and focus on yourself for now. Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 5
I am just so sad. I have been with this man since I was 18 years old. I thought we had something special, unique. He was so intelligent, funny, handsome. No drinking problems with him or in his family. We had 30 happy years together before he started drinking. I see small glimpses of the man he used to be, and I think maybe he will pull himself out of this tailspin.
If I file for separation or divorce, how do I get him out of the house? What if he refuses to leave?
If I file for separation or divorce, how do I get him out of the house? What if he refuses to leave?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
uracan....Most of us are not lawyers.....and, we can't give you specific legal advice.....This I why you absolutely need to have a l awyer give you advice. Also, where you live makes a difference.
I am going to give you a website that can help you organize your thoughts and know what questions to ask a lawyer.....
It is intended to be educational in nature, and, is arranged by state.....
www.womansdivorce.com
I am going to give you a website that can help you organize your thoughts and know what questions to ask a lawyer.....
It is intended to be educational in nature, and, is arranged by state.....
www.womansdivorce.com
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
uracan.....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...I hope you will take time to read them......There is sooo much to know!
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 60
I wanted to say I am so sorry you are in this position. I have been with my husband since I was 17 years old and after more than 30 years he had spiraled downward into someone I no longer recognized. When the spiral started, it sped up FAST. I am just so sorry. It is very scary.
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