Fired from his job for reasons you wouldn't believe!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 45
Fired from his job for reasons you wouldn't believe!!
My Ah just lost his job as a support worker. He was taking his charge ( a vulnerable adult with learning disabilities) on holiday for the weekend at a holiday resort. I was super confident that everything would be fine because 1st...he hadn't had a drink for two months 2nd...he was working, and he has a genuine affection and sense of responsibility for this person. They both went out for the Halloween party and all was fun and going ok. At 2.30 am I got a phone call from the resort security asking for emergency cover because ah was hammered, that he had been seen putting his hand up a girl's skirt and finally punching the girl's boyfriend! As you can imagine, I am numb, mad as hell, shell-shocked, betrayed and at a loss as to know what to do now! Our finances are ruined, and I honestly just don't know how to feel about anything! He doesn't remember any of it, and is mortified by what he has been told he did!.... I genuinely believe that. However, part of me is saying that, even while drunk, you kinda still know what you're doing....it's just that you just don't really care that it's wrong! Help me friends....what to do?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,002
Argh Liz, what a horrible phone call to receive. It so sucks to hope and then have something like this happen.
At this point the best you can probably do is take care of yourself, listen to how you feel and more will be revealed.
At this point the best you can probably do is take care of yourself, listen to how you feel and more will be revealed.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I am sure that you are in shock and I understand how you must feel overwhelmed, right now. Get some sleep, if you can and give yourself some time to be able to think. Your survival and your well being are important to focus on....as his recovery are up to him, in the long run. You can't control him.
I am assuming that he was trying to white knuckle it?
If so, then, relapse is almost a certainty......
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I hipe that you will read throught them.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
the following is a specific article that I believe will be helpful to you as a good yardstick.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
I am assuming that he was trying to white knuckle it?
If so, then, relapse is almost a certainty......
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I hipe that you will read throught them.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
the following is a specific article that I believe will be helpful to you as a good yardstick.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Oh how awful, Lizzie. I don't really know what to say. Such an awful, shocking thing to have happen. No matter what, you have our support and you have an inner strength you may not know you have. No matter what take care of yourself. Sending a big hug.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lizźie,
I am sorry as you are in shock, but proably not really.
The old saying on sr... when people show you who they are believe them the first time.
How much more are you going to accept? Obviously he was black out drunk and doesn't remember. How many times has this happened and you have no idea. It's up to you to make changes, not him. Maybe this will be your rock bottom and make some changes. As you already know from being on this forum for a year it will get worse. Maybe you will get out before that worse happens, as he can wind up in jail, or kill someone drunk driving, black out drunk. All you do is wait and see.
Hit some meetings, and make some calculated decisions if this is what you want for the rest of your life. I know you can't afford it, but it's best to start a new now then in 5 or 10 years when things are wrose then now. Hugs.
I am sorry as you are in shock, but proably not really.
The old saying on sr... when people show you who they are believe them the first time.
How much more are you going to accept? Obviously he was black out drunk and doesn't remember. How many times has this happened and you have no idea. It's up to you to make changes, not him. Maybe this will be your rock bottom and make some changes. As you already know from being on this forum for a year it will get worse. Maybe you will get out before that worse happens, as he can wind up in jail, or kill someone drunk driving, black out drunk. All you do is wait and see.
Hit some meetings, and make some calculated decisions if this is what you want for the rest of your life. I know you can't afford it, but it's best to start a new now then in 5 or 10 years when things are wrose then now. Hugs.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am very sorry.
I myself think that one thing you do know for certain. He picked up and started drinking while on a job that he was in charge. Unacceptable. The other behaviors are up to you to accept or not to believe him that he does not remember.
I got sick of my XAH's blackout drunk behaviors. He thought it was a free pass b/c he could not remember. I did not.
Big hugs.
I myself think that one thing you do know for certain. He picked up and started drinking while on a job that he was in charge. Unacceptable. The other behaviors are up to you to accept or not to believe him that he does not remember.
I got sick of my XAH's blackout drunk behaviors. He thought it was a free pass b/c he could not remember. I did not.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
oh i'd say he planned the whole thing.....who takes a vulnerable disabled adult to a resort and then out to a big halloween party? someone who is ruthless enough to use anyone to get what he wants. the "i don't remember" is classic excuse.....then pour on the oh woe is me, so mortified of my behavior, helps ramp up the "poor you" sympathy.
what do you do? see if for what it is. see HIM for who HE is.
what do you do? see if for what it is. see HIM for who HE is.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
However, part of me is saying that, even while drunk, you kinda still know what you're doing....it's just that you just don't really care that it's wrong!
to a point- while drunk. idk if i knew what i was doing in a blackout,though.
the morning after my last drunk- another rip snortin blackout- my (by then ex- i hadnt been informed yet) fiance told me some of what i had done and said. through an extreme amount of tears . even though i didnt remember a thing, i believed it because there were other times i was just in a brownout.
then she tossed me to the curb.
yup,i had lots of terror and bewilderment,too, over my actions and words. plus she tossin me out.
i am still thoroughly convinced it was the best move she made- for herself.
to a point- while drunk. idk if i knew what i was doing in a blackout,though.
the morning after my last drunk- another rip snortin blackout- my (by then ex- i hadnt been informed yet) fiance told me some of what i had done and said. through an extreme amount of tears . even though i didnt remember a thing, i believed it because there were other times i was just in a brownout.
then she tossed me to the curb.
yup,i had lots of terror and bewilderment,too, over my actions and words. plus she tossin me out.
i am still thoroughly convinced it was the best move she made- for herself.
Loving Sobriety
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 69
I'm so sorry that this has happened. I was in a similar situation with my XAH . he ended up getting fired (for the 3rd time). I stood by him through so much. 3 rehabs. a DUI . passing out all the time and verbsl and emotional abuse when drunk.
It went on and on . but I left him and started over with my 3 children. He is still drinking and has remarried and is unable to keep a job. Yet he hates me for leaving as I "let him down" and his problem are because of me . as for me I am safe and so are my children. We don't have a lot of money but we are at peace . I still love the man he was. But life is so much better now. Xx
It went on and on . but I left him and started over with my 3 children. He is still drinking and has remarried and is unable to keep a job. Yet he hates me for leaving as I "let him down" and his problem are because of me . as for me I am safe and so are my children. We don't have a lot of money but we are at peace . I still love the man he was. But life is so much better now. Xx
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
and where WAS the person in his CARE while he was getting drunk andgroping women and assaulting people? he should be more than just FIRED for such negligence........IMO.
Right. It's no mystery why the guy was sacked. The man sounds like bad news all around.
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Location: maine
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In another life, I drank to a blackout state exactly once. When one is in a blackout state, one isn't unconscious, One is up, walking around, but one's mind isn't recording any memory. When I "came to," I was standing in a kitchen. My last memory had been crying in the bathroom.
Reading between the lines, I'd guess, the Halloween party was at a bar/casino of some sort? Taking a disabled adult someplace where alcohol is served would be beyond stupid, in my opinion. You'd never know if someone would spike his charge's drink, assault him, or try to humiliate him. Hopefully, the patient wasn't harmed in any way.
I would be working on separating my finances from his, ASAP.
Reading between the lines, I'd guess, the Halloween party was at a bar/casino of some sort? Taking a disabled adult someplace where alcohol is served would be beyond stupid, in my opinion. You'd never know if someone would spike his charge's drink, assault him, or try to humiliate him. Hopefully, the patient wasn't harmed in any way.
I would be working on separating my finances from his, ASAP.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 45
Just trying to make the best of things
Thank you to everyone who has replied to my post. Firstly, I just want to clarify a point so that everyone understands. The disabled person was on 'his' pre-booked holiday at this resort. In order to be able to do this he has to be chaperoned, and he likes to have a shandy or something mild himself. Therefore, ah had been sent to this resort as part of his work. The other great shame and irony of it all is that ah was dry for 2 months before this and he was feeling good. He was SO focused on not drinking again, and for once he was liking himself again! The party atmosphere was obviously too much for him, and he bought a plastic beaker of lager. A little while later some random bloke offered him a drink...this is where it all falls apart! He accepted this drink at 9pm, and he remembers nothing after that. While listening to all of the evidence and reports at the diciplinary, he nearly vomitted as he is mortified and bewildered by the whole night. I have to say that his actions that night were pretty out of character, and I have seen him smashed countless times, but I know that when he got that drunk in my presence he would need to drink a litre of spirits. If one drink did that to him, there is a possibility that there was more than alcohol in it...we will never know! I am trying to be objective about everything, and I know that he has displayed agression around me whilst drunk before. As for the groping, he's a man I guess, and I wasn't there for him to hide any 'free-spirit' behaviour. I know he is devasted by everything, and has retreated into this repentant isolation. I can see that he IS feeling it, and he was doing so well before this episode. He now has a hatred for anything alcoholic...great! It is so hard to make the right choices and decisions...who can ever be sure what the right thing to do is?
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