When the new girl friend "reaches out"
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
When the new girl friend "reaches out"
I have been divorced for years and the kids still visit ex ah if he is sober. He got out of long term treatment two months ago but I knew he already had a relapse... "doesn't want kids too busy"= doesn't want to do a breathalyzer. Overall he is doing better.
A few days ago his new girlfriend cyber stalked me to get my phone number. I learned they are super serious but she needed to call to warn about relapses. Not to think she is crazy. As the person always gaslighted to think I was the crazy one I felt bad for her but realize I am so glad to be away from that rollercoaster!
Tell me how you handle the new girlfriends. Personally I pray she cares for my kid's safety. Even if she thinks I am bad or mean or whatever.... I kind of hope she has some value of doing the right thing for the kids.
A few days ago his new girlfriend cyber stalked me to get my phone number. I learned they are super serious but she needed to call to warn about relapses. Not to think she is crazy. As the person always gaslighted to think I was the crazy one I felt bad for her but realize I am so glad to be away from that rollercoaster!
Tell me how you handle the new girlfriends. Personally I pray she cares for my kid's safety. Even if she thinks I am bad or mean or whatever.... I kind of hope she has some value of doing the right thing for the kids.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I would not count on GF to be a sober police. For all you know, he could have picked her up in rehab and they could be getting drunk together. If you think children are unsafe - it really is between you and their father.....
I have not had this experience, but would likely be too much drama for my liking.
I have not had this experience, but would likely be too much drama for my liking.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Just to make sure I understand: She dug up your phone number.
She called to warn you he was still drinking?
I guess that's better than not caring. Hopefully, she has somewhat of a spine, and won't agree to keep the children out of his hair when he is supposed to be spending time with them.
She called to warn you he was still drinking?
I guess that's better than not caring. Hopefully, she has somewhat of a spine, and won't agree to keep the children out of his hair when he is supposed to be spending time with them.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
My experience with my ex's now wife has made me wary of the motivation here, and I know that colors my perception of the situation. This whole thing seems bizarre to me. Any unsolicited contact from that corner (and at this point it's all unsolicited) means that something is going wrong in her life and she needs a drama distraction. I have no desire to supply that, so I don't respond.
If she's left an alcoholic before and knows the drill, why is she still hanging around trying to involve herself in his stuff?
On the surface this seems like a nice gesture, but it also strikes me as really odd. Just something to keep in mind.
If she's left an alcoholic before and knows the drill, why is she still hanging around trying to involve herself in his stuff?
On the surface this seems like a nice gesture, but it also strikes me as really odd. Just something to keep in mind.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, trying to look for the best here. Maybe she is trying to let you know something without being “disloyal” to your ex?
Not suggesting you grill the kids, but maybe get some sense of her from them?
Like: is she nice to them when they visit? Is she calm, overall?
General stuff.
Only reason I am suggesting this is you mentioned in your post that she and the ex seem serious.
And you want the kids, hopefully, to be in good hands when they visit.
Not suggesting you grill the kids, but maybe get some sense of her from them?
Like: is she nice to them when they visit? Is she calm, overall?
General stuff.
Only reason I am suggesting this is you mentioned in your post that she and the ex seem serious.
And you want the kids, hopefully, to be in good hands when they visit.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
GFs can become great allies if they are responsible and don't have some crazy agenda. I struck lucky with my ex's wife and I always made it clear I was no threat to her.
Of course, without knowing her you can't judge but as Maud suggests you might get some idea from the kids. Keep an open mind until you have better information.
Of course, without knowing her you can't judge but as Maud suggests you might get some idea from the kids. Keep an open mind until you have better information.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I'll speak up as the fiance, who initiated contact with the ex-wife - once I was the fiance, and once we started seeing each other frequently enough at my stepdaughter to be's volleyball games. The first time, I texted her thanks for sending a stuffed dog toy (from her BarkBox that still fits three dogs though they narrowed down to one and she took him) for my/our dog - I put aside whatever her thoughts on doing so might be and just said "Thanks so much- Luke loves these toys! Glad to have your number [he gave it to me] and if you ever need anything or want me to know something about [stepdaughter] please let me know" She must have put aside whatever opinions she had about our "quick marriage post divorce" [she had said some uncharitable things that got back to us] and said she appreciated me opening the door.
I have only sent one text since, so this is all probably over a span of 3-4 mo, and it was to say "Hi! Sorry I didn't say a proper hello w/ all the parents arriving and getting seated [mine and his, for a game] - wanted to tell you that your outfit looks cute and fallish - hope the weather is really here! [you never know in Atlanta]"
My intent was to open communication with grace [my stepdaughter chose to live with her dad, now us - we are in recovery but her mother is not- it hasn't been the easiest path post divorce but it is better for now] and kindness. No agenda - just in the best intentions of good relations among all adults, for the two kids sake, especially the younger who is with us.
IMO and IME - if all parties can be responsible for themselves and their actions [ for example, neither my fiance nor I think there is any need to be in contact with her boyfriend, for various reasons- that's her business, which started before the divorce] but since I am now a permanent fixture in her children's life it is appropriate for me to have small, positive interaction with her, bigger and more parent-like only when necessary/appropriate.
This is how our sober minds work, at least - in dealing with an alcoholic other parent.
I have only sent one text since, so this is all probably over a span of 3-4 mo, and it was to say "Hi! Sorry I didn't say a proper hello w/ all the parents arriving and getting seated [mine and his, for a game] - wanted to tell you that your outfit looks cute and fallish - hope the weather is really here! [you never know in Atlanta]"
My intent was to open communication with grace [my stepdaughter chose to live with her dad, now us - we are in recovery but her mother is not- it hasn't been the easiest path post divorce but it is better for now] and kindness. No agenda - just in the best intentions of good relations among all adults, for the two kids sake, especially the younger who is with us.
IMO and IME - if all parties can be responsible for themselves and their actions [ for example, neither my fiance nor I think there is any need to be in contact with her boyfriend, for various reasons- that's her business, which started before the divorce] but since I am now a permanent fixture in her children's life it is appropriate for me to have small, positive interaction with her, bigger and more parent-like only when necessary/appropriate.
This is how our sober minds work, at least - in dealing with an alcoholic other parent.
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