Can I learn to trust again?
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 4
Can I learn to trust again?
My fiancé and i have been together for a couple of years now. He drank when we first were together and greatly decreased the amount of his drinking since. I do not like drinking at all. Within the last year or so, he has lied to me several times about drinking. I confronted him about each time i knew about and he eventually told the truth. He claims he was hinding it because I get so upset when he drinks. He is responsible about his drinking- doesnt drink and drive, doesnt drink while watching our son, and doesnt get completely drunk- usually had a small glass of bourbon and a beer or two (some times this small amount barely affects him, other times he is a little tipsy from it). We tried having him tell me when he was drinking to help with MY anxiety about drinking, which helped for a while, but then the lying began. He has been sober since the last week in July and just broached the subject of drinking again this week. He asked me about it and we had a discussion where i told him honestly that I dont know that I can ever be ok with it because of the fear of going back down the same road of lying again. He was respectful and did not go get alcohol. Ive had bad dreams and anxiety about him drinking and lying since. So my question is - first, am I overreacting due to my own interorance of alcohol which is causing him to lie about having a drink or two? What can be done to help me start to trust him again?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
It seems like you're having very normal reactions to traumatic situations.
Maybe your gut is saying "don't trust" for a reason... and that doesn't have anything to do with him, but everything to do with taking care of your own well-being.
Have you heard of Alanon? It's for anyone who has a problem with someone else's drinking, whether or not it's alcoholism, whether or not they're still drinking.
Meetings and info:
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...-anon-meeting/
It's a safe place to get support for ourselves. Face to face support from those who truly understand is very important.
Keep posting here, too. The bigger your support network, the quicker the healing.
Maybe your gut is saying "don't trust" for a reason... and that doesn't have anything to do with him, but everything to do with taking care of your own well-being.
Have you heard of Alanon? It's for anyone who has a problem with someone else's drinking, whether or not it's alcoholism, whether or not they're still drinking.
Meetings and info:
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...-anon-meeting/
It's a safe place to get support for ourselves. Face to face support from those who truly understand is very important.
Keep posting here, too. The bigger your support network, the quicker the healing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 4
Doing...ok, I guess. I've been having a lot of anxiety since he brought it up. Even bad dreams about it. I have told him so Im not leaving him in the dark about how Im feeling. Im just really afraid how Im going to react to him actually drinking if Im reacting this badly to the thought of it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You have every right to have a relationship without alcohol in it if that is important to you. Unfortunately none of us has the right nor the ability to force someone to not drink.
I guess I would ask why you went out with him when you knew he was a drinker and then tried to change that about him? I mean you say you knew in the beginning that he drank - so maybe he's feeling like what you see is what you get? I know I really don't like it when someone tries to change me without good reason.
Why did you decide to try to stop his drinking? If this is about the lying - that's one thing, but you trying to control his drinking is a whole other can o' worms.
I guess I would ask why you went out with him when you knew he was a drinker and then tried to change that about him? I mean you say you knew in the beginning that he drank - so maybe he's feeling like what you see is what you get? I know I really don't like it when someone tries to change me without good reason.
Why did you decide to try to stop his drinking? If this is about the lying - that's one thing, but you trying to control his drinking is a whole other can o' worms.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 4
He has brought up the fact that I knew he drank when we met. I didnt really have a problem with the drinking in the beginning and actually drank on occassion with him. I guess things started to change when we had our son and there were times i couldnt rely on him to help because i didnt want him to be drinking and trying to do stuff with our son at the same time. It became a problem of responsibility. It just slowly started to affect our relationship. Then the hinding and lying began. What Im afraid of is not really the drinking it is that it will progress and that we will end up in the same boat with the lying again. I know that most of the issue is actually my ability to give him a chance to prove that he can be responisble and honest. I just dont know how to get past it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Luv, you have every right to be hesitant, and to take all the time you need to move forward. Please don't shame yourself into thinking this entire situation is your fault. You have been lied to and neglected and he is telling you he intends to returns to the behaviors that led you there. The onus is not on you to ignore your own experience. He has to earn your trust back. How's he doing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 4
Hes been doing well. Unfortunately, really the only thing he was lying to me about was drinking so in turn, thats the only way to gain the trust back. He said he will tell me when he plans to buy alcohol or drink.
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