JessicaNAJ

I went to my counsellor tonight. It did a little good. I talked mostly. She did offer a few good suggestions. She mentioned that like my AH having relapses from his recovery, I too will have relapses with mine. She reminded me that I need to focus on the here and now, that most of my anxiety comes from worrying about the future. She also pointed out that I try too hard to prove my point. (I've had to do that with my AH and she realized that I'm starting to do that to my son.) One more thing I need to work on.

My son and I had a little discussion before I left because I caught him lying to me and told him he was going to be punished. (Lying is unacceptable) I told him to come up with three punishments and together we will pick which one he is to get. He told me he wishes he could just run away. My heart just broke and I was thinking I'm failing again!!

After my meeting with my counsellor, I went home to my kids and had a little talk with my son, I told him that I don't appreciate that fact that he lied to me, but under the circumstances, his punishment would be lifted. The only condition to this is - If I catch him lying to me again, he was going to be punished and will be harsh. I told him that I count on him to be honest with me. That way, I always know what he is saying is true. In return I told him that I will always be honest with him. I also told him that I appreciate all the help he has given me in the last few months. He has been wonderful and that means so much to me and how much it has helped me. I also told him that I realize I don't tell him enough how much I appreciate it. I told him I was going to work on listening to what he's saying (I get so wrapped up on all my self-created chaos I seem to jump to the wrong conclusions with him sometimes.) He's only 8, but he is way beyond his years.

I realize, and I'm starting to visualize it, that I need to focus my attention on my children. I spend so much time thinking and worrying about what others are feeling that I don't have enough quality time with the kids. That is something I need to work on too.

I mentioned that as part of my re-recovery, I will try to refrain from asking anything of my AH. I faltered on that tonight. I needed gas money and had to ask him for some. But that's okay, I have the right to ask for money from him if I need it.

Also tonight when I was getting the money from my AH, I noticed he got a new car. He bought it off his boss. Last week he consolidated a loan with another company he had an existing loan from. Today, he borrow more money from the company he just paid off to buy this car. Rather than making it my problem and asking him, "are you sure you can afford that? What are your payments going to be? How much did you borrow?" I just simply said, "It's a nice car. I'm glad you like it." WOW!! I bet that shocked him.

One day at a time - here's to me, starting over.

Karivan

Good morning, Jessica. I think you're doing great! Learning to detach is like learning a whole new language. It's hard and you're going to make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up when you do. Sometimes when I do something, I don't know if it was right or not! I'm pretty much winging it most of the time.

Take care of yourself. Your son sounds like he's going to be fine. You're a good mother so he has to be!

CrazyRed

Hello!

Thanks for the reminders -especially the parts about not asking anything of the ALO and spending time worrying about what others are thinking/feeling.
I have spent the last 3 nights after work worrying about those things and my own life got totally neglected. This morning I was late for work and wondering how I ran out of socks this week, and voila! Duh- I didn't do laundry b/c I was so swarmed up in why my AL & I have not called each other at all over the last 11 days. (I'm not calling first, but that's another thread)

Thanks again,

Red

gelfling

Good goin' Jess,

It will all come to you in bits and pieces and you'll be able to fit it all together to make a complete and wonderful life. Keep up the good work.

Love and Blessings, Kathy

Dee at Mt Bully

Hey Jess--you are sure learning faster than I'am. I think your son is lucky to have a mother who is willing to look at herself and make ajustments for the benefit of her
child. Not everyone can do that--especially in the midst of all the AH mess. Keep
up the good work you are a beacon of light.--Smiles Dee

JessicaNAJ

Thank you Dee - I never looked at it that way. My kids are the center of my universe. I've wasted way too much time worry about so many other things that aren't nearly as important as they are to me.

It's going to be hard at first though - I'm going to have to remind myself everyday to focus first on me and then on my kids. Melody Beatie stated in her book that she had heard somewhere you have to repeat an action 21 times in order for it to become a habit.

Kathy, Red, Karen and Dee - thank you for your support.