Cantisaurus

I've not talked to my ABF in two days now (baby steps). His parents and siblings plan on doing an informal intervention this weekend. Do I maintain NC even if he chooses to get some help? This is all just happening so fast, I'm just not sure what to do.

SparkleKitty

You need to do what is best for you, regardless of what he is or isn't doing. Time and distance will help you gain perspective on this relationship and on what you are really willing to accept in your life.

An intervention is still about a thousand miles from actual recovery. In the meantime, you need to heal.

Mango blast

Here's a link to some No Contact Rules that I found to be very helpful.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...act-rules.html (No Contact Rules)

One day at a time. You don't need to make decisions about the long term, just take care of today. (((Hugs)))

AnvilheadII

this "intervention" may or may not happen.
the ABF may or may not participate.
the ABF may or may not choose to "do" anything afterwards.
the ABF may or may not even WANT to start down the path of recovery.
the ABF may agree to the terms and then change his mind.

in your own world, you have solid things that need to be attended to - your safety and sanity and security for your children. stay with what is real and tangible. stay in the day.

Cantisaurus

Thank you for the NC resource. Any suggestions on how to handle when there are kids involved?

ladyscribbler

Unless you're somehow legally obligated to maintain contact for visitation, etc., there's no reason to have any contact. The kids are yours, not yours and his, right? Soooo, look. I know you really want a reason to reach out and you're still in that mindset that he's family so the kids are the perfect excuse to make that happen.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I've been there, calling my ex to "talk about our son" when I really just wanted to know if he'd come to his senses and was sober. That road did not lead me to healing.

And, fwiw, my ex literally never has any kind of contact with me or our son anymore. Maybe once a year trying to stir up trouble, but he makes no real effort to maintain a relationship with our son. So, and I say this gently, please try to let go of the expectation that the idea of "family" means the same thing to him as it does to you, and that he will behave the way you would given similar circumstances.

Mango blast

Kids are adaptable. The fear of change is worse than change.

DS had feelings of fear, obligation and guilt at first, but he also knows that nothing we do or say will change someone else.

NC is a gift for him as much for me. The decision is not his to make. The safe, healing space No Contact gives is a way to not re-traumatize while healing from trauma.

Mango blast

How are you doing today? (((Hugs)))

Cantisaurus

Just reeling still. We did have a family meeting and he admitted to the kids that he was an alcoholic and needed help. That the reason it all went to he** was because of his illness. Swears to me he wants to try and fix things.

It was a big step for him to tell the kids, but it's still just talk.

I'm just trying to slow down at this point and get myself back together a bit emotionally before i make any other decisions

Mango blast

Thinking about you. How are you doing today?

Ladybird579

Any suggestions on how to handle when there are kids involved?

If he anything like my exah there won't be anything to handle. Leave him to do the runnng and see how much effort he makes to see them. Obviously don't allow him drunk access but my betting is he won't bother.