She Thinks I'm Leaving the House?? Umm, NO!
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She Thinks I'm Leaving the House?? Umm, NO!
So, after trick-or-treating last night, AW and I had another row. No need for details.
Then she says (as I've heard many times before), that I'm a sh*tty husband, an even sh*ittier person, and she says she has been cursed by marrying me. My retort was, "Then if you are that miserable, why don't you just leave, you've threatened to may times?" She said, "And where am I supposed to go?" I said, "That's not my problem, but if you are soooooo unhappy being around me, then anywhere away from me would be better, right?" She came back with, "No, you should leave!" "Where am I supposed to go?" I said. She came back with. "Just far away from me. Just go away". I dropped it and continued to make dinner for me and DS.
Luckily DS7 was upstairs showering during this exchange.
She thinks I'm going to leave the new house and leave DS with her?? H*LL no!
Yes, this just moves me closer to moving ahead with divorce. I've been on the fence too too long, but something needs to change.
I know she's just quacking with all the stuff that spews out of her mouth - she's got it too good to leave, so she won't. And she doesn't think I have the b*lls to file. Well, won't she be surprised!
Being back on this forum has helped me tremendously - my eyes are opening up once again.
COD
Then she says (as I've heard many times before), that I'm a sh*tty husband, an even sh*ittier person, and she says she has been cursed by marrying me. My retort was, "Then if you are that miserable, why don't you just leave, you've threatened to may times?" She said, "And where am I supposed to go?" I said, "That's not my problem, but if you are soooooo unhappy being around me, then anywhere away from me would be better, right?" She came back with, "No, you should leave!" "Where am I supposed to go?" I said. She came back with. "Just far away from me. Just go away". I dropped it and continued to make dinner for me and DS.
Luckily DS7 was upstairs showering during this exchange.
She thinks I'm going to leave the new house and leave DS with her?? H*LL no!
Yes, this just moves me closer to moving ahead with divorce. I've been on the fence too too long, but something needs to change.
I know she's just quacking with all the stuff that spews out of her mouth - she's got it too good to leave, so she won't. And she doesn't think I have the b*lls to file. Well, won't she be surprised!
Being back on this forum has helped me tremendously - my eyes are opening up once again.
COD
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
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Thanks! I am praying that you have the strenght for you and your son to get into a healthier living situation. Your wife needs help. I am so sorry that you and your son are being abused by her alcoholism. I suggest you document her actions for proof of her abuse and obvious lack of being a responsible parent. Stay strong. Your son needs you. His well being is top priority.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Well... why don't you leave? It seems like you've been on the verge of ending the marriage for five years, since 2012, with the situation getting worse and worse. It sounds to me like you and AW are stuck in a dynamic whereby neither of you will be the one to "give in" and actually follow through on leaving the marriage. I think if this continues you'll be in the same place for another five years. Which might be okay with you, or might not.
Have you talked to a lawyer about how to handle the children? You may be able to move out and take them with you, if you have documented concerns about their safety with their mother.
I'm speaking as the one who actually did move out - if I had waited for ex to be the one to leave, I'd be there today. I have absolutely no regrets, and I certainly don't feel like I "gave in" or "lost" to the alcoholic. It was more like "well, this has to be done and there's only one person who's going to do it, and that's me". I did seek legal advice before I rented an apartment and moved out. Kid spent half time with me and half with her father, until things got worse with him, and she now spends all her time with me.
Have you talked to a lawyer about how to handle the children? You may be able to move out and take them with you, if you have documented concerns about their safety with their mother.
I'm speaking as the one who actually did move out - if I had waited for ex to be the one to leave, I'd be there today. I have absolutely no regrets, and I certainly don't feel like I "gave in" or "lost" to the alcoholic. It was more like "well, this has to be done and there's only one person who's going to do it, and that's me". I did seek legal advice before I rented an apartment and moved out. Kid spent half time with me and half with her father, until things got worse with him, and she now spends all her time with me.
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I'm not waiting for her to leave, because I know that won't happen. I know that I've been in the same 'stuck' position for many years now, and I'm moving toward change. I've already spoken to several lawyers, and have one I really like ready to go once I'm ready to make the next step, which is inching closer, believe me. It's a woman, and I think that will help me.
I will also be going for sole custody of child - there is too much proof that she can't be trusted to be an available parent much past 8:30 at night.
I also won't be the one leaving because DS is going to be messed up enough without having a change of residence thrown into the mix. He needs stability, and he and I will be staying there as long as possible.
I will also be going for sole custody of child - there is too much proof that she can't be trusted to be an available parent much past 8:30 at night.
I also won't be the one leaving because DS is going to be messed up enough without having a change of residence thrown into the mix. He needs stability, and he and I will be staying there as long as possible.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Just wanted to offer support. You sound strong COD. Not wanting to uproot my kids lives and be the one to leave the home kept me in purgatory for way longer than necessary. I wound up leaving one night while trying to put kids to bed during one of XAH tirades. Left with a bag of clothes for all three of us and stayed with my parents. Filed for divorce the next business day. It took approx. 2 months going through the court system to have X removed from the home and I did not go back until he was gone and the locks were changed. The kids (slightly younger than yours) held up amazingly, as if they knew it was better than how we were living anyways. I stayed thinking I was doing the best thing for them, until I knew I was not. In my experience everything works out how it is supposed to in the end. For me, I came to the realization that it is just a house and everything in it were just things. Which, btw, against court orders, my X removed 80% of the contents of the house. That was probably the hardest for the kids to take. An excellent parenting moment all the same of a house and things do not make a home. Being able to leave, start over from scratch and finding true happiness with myself and children was probably one of the best kickstarts to my own healing/recovery. Sending you peace and encouragement that you will know what is the best thing for you and your son.
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Going to go out on a limb here and assume she was drunk during that argument?
Arguing with a drunk is like arguing with a toddler (“no, YOU’RE the big old poopoo head!”) Waste of air, really.
I’m so glad you have your legal ducks in a row. One thought...don’t assume she’s too far gone to sense what’s going on. She wouldn’t be the first to empty a bank account, file false charges against you or file for divorce first claiming you’re the one with the addiction problem. Then you’re fighting uphill.
Sending you strength and clarity.
Arguing with a drunk is like arguing with a toddler (“no, YOU’RE the big old poopoo head!”) Waste of air, really.
I’m so glad you have your legal ducks in a row. One thought...don’t assume she’s too far gone to sense what’s going on. She wouldn’t be the first to empty a bank account, file false charges against you or file for divorce first claiming you’re the one with the addiction problem. Then you’re fighting uphill.
Sending you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Going to go out on a limb here and assume she was drunk during that argument?
Arguing with a drunk is like arguing with a toddler (“no, YOU’RE the big old poopoo head!”) Waste of air, really.
I’m so glad you have your legal ducks in a row. One thought...don’t assume she’s too far gone to sense what’s going on. She wouldn’t be the first to empty a bank account, file false charges against you or file for divorce first claiming you’re the one with the addiction problem. Then you’re fighting uphill.
Sending you strength and clarity.
Arguing with a drunk is like arguing with a toddler (“no, YOU’RE the big old poopoo head!”) Waste of air, really.
I’m so glad you have your legal ducks in a row. One thought...don’t assume she’s too far gone to sense what’s going on. She wouldn’t be the first to empty a bank account, file false charges against you or file for divorce first claiming you’re the one with the addiction problem. Then you’re fighting uphill.
Sending you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Going to go out on a limb here and assume she was drunk during that argument?
Arguing with a drunk is like arguing with a toddler (“no, YOU’RE the big old poopoo head!”) Waste of air, really.
I’m so glad you have your legal ducks in a row. One thought...don’t assume she’s too far gone to sense what’s going on. She wouldn’t be the first to empty a bank account, file false charges against you or file for divorce first claiming you’re the one with the addiction problem. Then you’re fighting uphill.
Sending you strength and clarity.
Arguing with a drunk is like arguing with a toddler (“no, YOU’RE the big old poopoo head!”) Waste of air, really.
I’m so glad you have your legal ducks in a row. One thought...don’t assume she’s too far gone to sense what’s going on. She wouldn’t be the first to empty a bank account, file false charges against you or file for divorce first claiming you’re the one with the addiction problem. Then you’re fighting uphill.
Sending you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Cod,
I think you are doing fine. Ever since you came back you have been posting more, and supporting people in many different ways. I see the fiestyness in you, that I didn't before. I see that you aren't the same person you were months ago, you just weren't ready then, maybe you are now.
I also agree to staying in the house. This gives you control if eventually you have to sell. She can't trash it or sell your belongings, or not pay the bills, just not worth the risk. As you know, divorce takes a long time and this will give you time to make important and calculated decisions, on your terms, not in a hurry because you are in temporary housing. Do it right, and it will fall into place the way God had intended.
I know you are concerned about the divorce affecting ds. You know I stayed with my axh nearly "forever" because I didn't want my kids to come from a "broken home." When I confessed to my kids about staying for them, they were shocked by it. Their response was half their friends parents were divorced. I was more traumatized by that word then they were. Ds is young and he will be ok. They have counseling in the school if he needs it. All our kids want is a healthy home. They of course would like 2 healthy parents, but if you can't have that, he deserves one healthy one. He will be ok, he has a dad who loves him, thats all he needs.
Cod, you are a good daddy. One day ds will thank you. Stay the course my friend, you know what's right and you will some day soon find peace and serenity for both of you.
I think you are doing fine. Ever since you came back you have been posting more, and supporting people in many different ways. I see the fiestyness in you, that I didn't before. I see that you aren't the same person you were months ago, you just weren't ready then, maybe you are now.
I also agree to staying in the house. This gives you control if eventually you have to sell. She can't trash it or sell your belongings, or not pay the bills, just not worth the risk. As you know, divorce takes a long time and this will give you time to make important and calculated decisions, on your terms, not in a hurry because you are in temporary housing. Do it right, and it will fall into place the way God had intended.
I know you are concerned about the divorce affecting ds. You know I stayed with my axh nearly "forever" because I didn't want my kids to come from a "broken home." When I confessed to my kids about staying for them, they were shocked by it. Their response was half their friends parents were divorced. I was more traumatized by that word then they were. Ds is young and he will be ok. They have counseling in the school if he needs it. All our kids want is a healthy home. They of course would like 2 healthy parents, but if you can't have that, he deserves one healthy one. He will be ok, he has a dad who loves him, thats all he needs.
Cod, you are a good daddy. One day ds will thank you. Stay the course my friend, you know what's right and you will some day soon find peace and serenity for both of you.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I agree with maia--didn't mean to push you to file before you were ready,
but do be careful about your intentions
I found the drunks in my life had almost a preternatural knowledge of when
I had had enough to be willing to walk away,
and they would try to reel me back in or at least get the best end of the deal.
You have gotten stronger and clearer, and it is obvious you are a wonderful father
but do be careful about your intentions
I found the drunks in my life had almost a preternatural knowledge of when
I had had enough to be willing to walk away,
and they would try to reel me back in or at least get the best end of the deal.
You have gotten stronger and clearer, and it is obvious you are a wonderful father
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi COD hope you are doing ok.
This:
I also won't be the one leaving because DS is going to be messed up enough without having a change of residence thrown into the mix. He needs stability, and he and I will be staying there as long as possible.
As long as your residence is a door stop to exit I'm fairly certain you can plan on remaining there forever. That is not to say that in a divorce you wouldn't prevail and maintain the residence, but legally speaking, she has as much right to live there as you do during a divorce, or until a Judge decides she has to move. While brutally unfair that the abusive alcoholic would be able to stay its a possible reality.
Stability doesn't exist in your home. I think you are an incredible dad and have done the best you can given the circumstances. Stability exists in a home minus the active alcoholic.
54 is young. I hope that you will be able to do what you have wanted to do for years, and exit this soon.
This:
I also won't be the one leaving because DS is going to be messed up enough without having a change of residence thrown into the mix. He needs stability, and he and I will be staying there as long as possible.
As long as your residence is a door stop to exit I'm fairly certain you can plan on remaining there forever. That is not to say that in a divorce you wouldn't prevail and maintain the residence, but legally speaking, she has as much right to live there as you do during a divorce, or until a Judge decides she has to move. While brutally unfair that the abusive alcoholic would be able to stay its a possible reality.
Stability doesn't exist in your home. I think you are an incredible dad and have done the best you can given the circumstances. Stability exists in a home minus the active alcoholic.
54 is young. I hope that you will be able to do what you have wanted to do for years, and exit this soon.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Thanks, everyone, for your comments and support. Surprisingly, she was not drunk when she said those things the other night. She ended up that way as the night went on, but she was pretty coherent at the time. She hits a milestone birthday this weekend and is not happy about it. But, instead of embracing it and realizing she's not longer a partying 20-something, she's all depressed, which leads to drinking the depressive liquid, etc.
I do make snarky comments many times, but after coming back here to SR, I'm trying to keep my mouth shut. Last night she passed out on the island, but not before grabbing the huge box of Goldfish snacks we have. (She claims she's fat and can't lose weight - umm, snacking every night after boozing it up won't help!) I came down at 10:25 and shut off all the lights, and she had knocked off the box onto the floor and there were about 2 cups of goldfish strewn across the kitchen floor. She did clean up most of them before I came down this morning. The old me would have said something about the mess, but I'm trying not to say anything and just let it go. It's hard for me to do that.
She already knows she's a drunk, why belabor the point?
See, friends - I'm learning!!!
COD
I do make snarky comments many times, but after coming back here to SR, I'm trying to keep my mouth shut. Last night she passed out on the island, but not before grabbing the huge box of Goldfish snacks we have. (She claims she's fat and can't lose weight - umm, snacking every night after boozing it up won't help!) I came down at 10:25 and shut off all the lights, and she had knocked off the box onto the floor and there were about 2 cups of goldfish strewn across the kitchen floor. She did clean up most of them before I came down this morning. The old me would have said something about the mess, but I'm trying not to say anything and just let it go. It's hard for me to do that.
She already knows she's a drunk, why belabor the point?
See, friends - I'm learning!!!
COD
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