The mid-life crisis alcoholic husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
The mid-life crisis alcoholic husband
Hi all,
New here, and I'm sure my story is not unique. My AH has been a heavy drinker during most of our 18 year marriage, but in the last year things have progressed considerably. He switched from beer to spirits (bourbon or vodka) because he was "trying to lose weight." Watching him top off his bourbon and coke every night and trying to figure out how many "servings" he had became a nightly ritual for me. Things quickly progressed to him having black outs and saying mean things to me, peeing in places other than the bathroom, becoming emotionally distant, etc. I believe his alcoholic tendencies increased rapidly due to being laid off from his longtime job in April, and just aging and loss of virility, in general (he's turning 50 in a couple of months).
Anyway, five months ago, he moved out. At the time, he stated he wanted a divorce, loved me but was not "in love with me", that kind of thing. He has since backed off the divorce talk, but seems to wax and wane with his affections (via text, which is mostly the way we communicate lately). He has some hallmark mid-life crisis symptoms (lost 30 pounds, bought new clothes, started working out, got back to playing his guitar again), but having this distance from him has also helped me see the huge part his alcoholism has played in our lives over the years, and how addicted to him I had become. I was always the over-functioner, trying to keep him happy and even-keeled, agreeing to things I didn't want to do, and passing on things I really DID want to do, etc. But even with him out of the house, I often obsess over what he's doing by checking his bank balance, stalking him on Facebook, etc. In fact, I would say my codependent behavior has actually become worse since he left.
I've been seeing a counselor since he left, and am planning to attend my first Alanon meeting this Thursday, at her suggestion. I'm hoping to help myself move out of this emotional space I seem to be stuck in. I feel heartbroken, awful, and desperate most of the time, and he often peppers our text conversations with "love you's" and sweet messages of hope, which makes things somehow worse for me, especially since he can be pretty cold or just absent over the next several days afterwards (in hindsight, he's probably drunk when he sends the nicer messages).
I guess I started this journey thinking he was having a classic mid-life crisis, and had hoped that he would make his way back out of it. Now, seeing the alcoholism for what it is and its recent devastating affects on him and our marriage, I'm less hopeful. It's hard for me to accept that this might be the end of what was a loving marriage for a long time, but that seems to be the way things are headed.
By the way, he is living with an alcoholic friend of his, which I believe makes it much easier for him to live the life he currently wants (getting drunk to the point of passing out every night) without having to face any judgment from anyone. He's also still unemployed which means there's nothing stopping him from being hungover and sleeping in the next day. It's hard to accept that he prefers that life over one with me in our home. We don't have any children, so that does make things easier, I suppose, although I think it also makes it easier for him to be a selfish, drunk jerk. He is also the adult child of an alcoholic father, who took a similar path in life and eventually became sober for good (so far) at 50 years old.
I have been reading this forum for a couple of months now, and it's been a real comfort to know I'm not totally alone or crazy. I know there aren't any easy answers out there, but I just wanted to get my story off my chest. Thanks for listening.
New here, and I'm sure my story is not unique. My AH has been a heavy drinker during most of our 18 year marriage, but in the last year things have progressed considerably. He switched from beer to spirits (bourbon or vodka) because he was "trying to lose weight." Watching him top off his bourbon and coke every night and trying to figure out how many "servings" he had became a nightly ritual for me. Things quickly progressed to him having black outs and saying mean things to me, peeing in places other than the bathroom, becoming emotionally distant, etc. I believe his alcoholic tendencies increased rapidly due to being laid off from his longtime job in April, and just aging and loss of virility, in general (he's turning 50 in a couple of months).
Anyway, five months ago, he moved out. At the time, he stated he wanted a divorce, loved me but was not "in love with me", that kind of thing. He has since backed off the divorce talk, but seems to wax and wane with his affections (via text, which is mostly the way we communicate lately). He has some hallmark mid-life crisis symptoms (lost 30 pounds, bought new clothes, started working out, got back to playing his guitar again), but having this distance from him has also helped me see the huge part his alcoholism has played in our lives over the years, and how addicted to him I had become. I was always the over-functioner, trying to keep him happy and even-keeled, agreeing to things I didn't want to do, and passing on things I really DID want to do, etc. But even with him out of the house, I often obsess over what he's doing by checking his bank balance, stalking him on Facebook, etc. In fact, I would say my codependent behavior has actually become worse since he left.
I've been seeing a counselor since he left, and am planning to attend my first Alanon meeting this Thursday, at her suggestion. I'm hoping to help myself move out of this emotional space I seem to be stuck in. I feel heartbroken, awful, and desperate most of the time, and he often peppers our text conversations with "love you's" and sweet messages of hope, which makes things somehow worse for me, especially since he can be pretty cold or just absent over the next several days afterwards (in hindsight, he's probably drunk when he sends the nicer messages).
I guess I started this journey thinking he was having a classic mid-life crisis, and had hoped that he would make his way back out of it. Now, seeing the alcoholism for what it is and its recent devastating affects on him and our marriage, I'm less hopeful. It's hard for me to accept that this might be the end of what was a loving marriage for a long time, but that seems to be the way things are headed.
By the way, he is living with an alcoholic friend of his, which I believe makes it much easier for him to live the life he currently wants (getting drunk to the point of passing out every night) without having to face any judgment from anyone. He's also still unemployed which means there's nothing stopping him from being hungover and sleeping in the next day. It's hard to accept that he prefers that life over one with me in our home. We don't have any children, so that does make things easier, I suppose, although I think it also makes it easier for him to be a selfish, drunk jerk. He is also the adult child of an alcoholic father, who took a similar path in life and eventually became sober for good (so far) at 50 years old.
I have been reading this forum for a couple of months now, and it's been a real comfort to know I'm not totally alone or crazy. I know there aren't any easy answers out there, but I just wanted to get my story off my chest. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, sorry for the troubles that bring you here.
What jumped out at me in your share was that hub has basically gone somewhere that he is completely free to drink the way he likes to drink. Sadly not uncommon in alcoholics.
What jumped out at me in your share was that hub has basically gone somewhere that he is completely free to drink the way he likes to drink. Sadly not uncommon in alcoholics.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Noboundaries.....grieving and the process of healing takes time....moe than 5 months....
The thing is, for you, you have not really begun the process in full, because you are in contact with him for the past 5 months...and getting jerked back to day o ne, all of the time....every time you talk with him...that gives reinforcement for the attachment...INTERMITTENT reinforcement...which is the most powerful kind...(who knew)?
You can read more about this if you google "intermittent reinforcement experiment in operant conditioning"......
The thing is, for you, you have not really begun the process in full, because you are in contact with him for the past 5 months...and getting jerked back to day o ne, all of the time....every time you talk with him...that gives reinforcement for the attachment...INTERMITTENT reinforcement...which is the most powerful kind...(who knew)?
You can read more about this if you google "intermittent reinforcement experiment in operant conditioning"......
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Noboundaries....here is a link to our library of excellent articles....dozens and dozens of them. There is sooo much to learn....
I hope that you will take time to read through them....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I hope that you will take time to read through them....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Nb,
Sounds like he has got it made. He's on his own, doesn't work, can drink and work out whenever he wants. Lost some weight, calls you when he is lonely (throwing you a bone every once in a while). Do you think he might have a girl friend? How does he have money to live??
You are blessed that you have no kids because that would just be another burden. Educate your self, and find out if this is what you want in life. Speaking from experience of 34 years with an addict, life doesn't get better with an active addict. Hugs!!
Sounds like he has got it made. He's on his own, doesn't work, can drink and work out whenever he wants. Lost some weight, calls you when he is lonely (throwing you a bone every once in a while). Do you think he might have a girl friend? How does he have money to live??
You are blessed that you have no kids because that would just be another burden. Educate your self, and find out if this is what you want in life. Speaking from experience of 34 years with an addict, life doesn't get better with an active addict. Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Oh, noboundaries, middle age crisis men are bad enough, throw alcoholism in a mix and it is unbearable.
XAH went through "crisis" twice
1st time he lost weight, started running, started drinking (relapsed), all while getting a job that paid well, which prompted him to move out since he now had "his money". While money I made was always "our money".
2nd time around - got fired from his job, started working out obsessively and using illegal steroids, lost weight, started doing drugs, then drinking (all in secret), then found himself a GF (unemployed, addict, middle aged just like him) so they did drugs and drank together, starting right after this "stay at home father" dropped son off at school. She understood him (I've bet she did lol). This whole ridiculousness lasted about a month until I found out. And gave him a boot.
Count your blessings that you have no kids with this person - I would not trade my son for the world, but I sometimes wish I could cut all the contact with my narcissistic, self absorbed, manipulative, pitiful XAH
XAH went through "crisis" twice
1st time he lost weight, started running, started drinking (relapsed), all while getting a job that paid well, which prompted him to move out since he now had "his money". While money I made was always "our money".
2nd time around - got fired from his job, started working out obsessively and using illegal steroids, lost weight, started doing drugs, then drinking (all in secret), then found himself a GF (unemployed, addict, middle aged just like him) so they did drugs and drank together, starting right after this "stay at home father" dropped son off at school. She understood him (I've bet she did lol). This whole ridiculousness lasted about a month until I found out. And gave him a boot.
Count your blessings that you have no kids with this person - I would not trade my son for the world, but I sometimes wish I could cut all the contact with my narcissistic, self absorbed, manipulative, pitiful XAH
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 19
I was shaking my head in disbelief that there is a clone of my husband out there. Similar path- always drank, ACOA, mid life, beer to vodka to lose weight(Ha!) gym, was working when wanted (self employed-unless sitting at a bar counts as work lol)new friends, emotional affair, depression He is still here and we have children-teens. I too did the craziness-tried to fix, figure out where he is, why,etc, etc. Alanon and counselling helped. I am sorry and have no answers but wanted you to know that you aren't alone. We didnt cause it, can't control it and won't cure it. I am not sure yet of next steps for us but just wanted to reach out. Sending a hug to you.
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