My First Post

Old 10-31-2017, 08:23 AM
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My First Post

Hi - new here.

So I'll try and keep this short at first and just expound as I participate more and more.
My bf is an alcoholic that refuses to get help. We've been together for 12 years and have 3 kids from my first marriage who all consider him to be their dad.

He admits he has a problem and that he needs help, but he refuses to get it. He's high functioning so has no legal issues, pays his bills, goes to work etc. But on his days off, which is 3-4 days due to his schedule, he drinks at least one large bottle of whiskey a night and blacks out. He has his own 'mancave' in the basement and doesn't start until after we go to bed so I haven't caught until the last year or so how bad it is.

To make things worse, he recently started seeing another woman and admits the problem the reason he likes the idea of being with her is because she knows nothing of his history (meaning she doesn't know he's an alcoholic) so if he stays with her he doesn't have to seek treatment. But if he stays with his family, he would.

Me and the kids have left the house - they are with their aunt and I am with my mom.

I guess I don't know where to start with the questions. I feel like I need to fight for my family. He's gotten so close to getting help in the last 3 months and has even made an appointment but didn't go. I have told his parents only because his dad is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict and has been sober for 35 years and he loves and has tons of respect for his dad.

Is there anything I can do at this point to get him to go? He's so close to losing everything and the kids and I are heartbroken.
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Old 10-31-2017, 09:02 AM
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I'm so sorry for what brings you here but am very glad you found us.

He will choose to get help when he is ready and not one moment before. If losing his family has not done it, I don't know what else you could possibly do. And even if you were to find a way to get him to go, treatment is just a start. He still needs the desire to stop drinking to get anything out of it, and it sure sounds like he does not have that yet.

You can, however, take care of yourself and your kids as you deal with the blow your family has been dealt. You all need to know that this is not your fault--that there is nothing you could have done, said, or been to change him. Of course you want to fight for your family, and you can do that without him.

As far as fighting for your relationship, I fear that takes two.
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Old 10-31-2017, 09:44 AM
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Welcome to the forum! Glad you found us, it's a great place for wisdom and support.

You aren't married, the kids are not his - this is a plus as far as breaking it permanently. Oh, and he has admittedly cheated on you, refuses to see he has a problem, refuses to consider your feelings. Sounds like he's made his choices, and yours, for you.

He likes this other woman because she isn't an impediment to his lifestyle, until she also sees the light. You and the kiddos are the main focus right now.

Sorry I don;t have much more to offer up at this time. I think you are pretty clear-headed if you've already left.

COD
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Old 10-31-2017, 09:51 AM
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Hello and welcome. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

I say this gently. You are not the one who has to fight, it would be him, and it sounds like he is not willing to make that effort. Its sad, it's frustrating, it's awful to watch someone you love go down the rabbit hole. If it were just alcohol it would be bad enough, but that he is with another woman? Unacceptable.

You are your kids are worth so much more. I encourage you to seek out Alanon or Celebrate Recovery so you have some face to face support for yourself in supplement to this forum.

Keep posting, you are not alone.
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Old 10-31-2017, 10:02 AM
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Cantisaurus....you and your k ids are the family. He has already exited it. Alcohol and his new woman are h is mistresses.......
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Old 10-31-2017, 12:24 PM
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Ironically, the girlfriend called me shortly after I posted. She said she knew nothing of his alcoholism and said she's left an alcoholic before and won't date anothet.

Could it be that his alcoholism and cheating are both due to his depression? Are alcoholism and depression connected that way?
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Old 10-31-2017, 12:29 PM
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Those are some chicken-or-the-egg questions you have there.

Alcohol is a depressant. Not all people who are depressed cheat or become addicted to alcohol. Not all alcholics cheat. Not all cheaters are depressed or alcoholic. Who knows. You could spend a lifetime trying to untangle his knots, but unless he's trying to untangle them himself, they will only get tighter.

Meanwhile, you have knots of your own to untangle.
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Old 10-31-2017, 12:30 PM
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Well, alcohol is, in itself, a depressant. My AW is depressed, and a slew of other things, and she drinks to forget and to push back bad memories of her life.

Not sure if the two go hand-in-hand, but I believe there is a correlation.

Now that she has dumped him, he'll most likely come begging and pleading back to you. Stay strong!!!

COD
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Old 10-31-2017, 12:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Cantisaurus View Post
Ironically, the girlfriend called me shortly after I posted. She said she knew nothing of his alcoholism and said she's left an alcoholic before and won't date anothet.

Could it be that his alcoholism and cheating are both due to his depression? Are alcoholism and depression connected that way?
It's possible, but does it matter? Many people suffer from depression, but don't cheat. Same with alcoholism - not every alcoholic is depressed and not every alcoholic cheats.

It's a slippery slope from "he drinks and he's depressed" to "he drinks because he's depressed (so it's not really his fault - it's the depression)". No matter why your ex is doing what he does, is his behavior acceptable to you? Is he making choices that you can live with?
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Old 10-31-2017, 12:47 PM
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Does alcoholism make you cheat? Definitely not. There are MANY alcoholics on this forum and others that are not cheaters. Sorry.

Originally Posted by Cantisaurus View Post
Ironically, the girlfriend called me shortly after I posted. She said she knew nothing of his alcoholism and said she's left an alcoholic before and won't date anothet.

Could it be that his alcoholism and cheating are both due to his depression? Are alcoholism and depression connected that way?
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Old 10-31-2017, 02:21 PM
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So, my next issue is he is very upset I told his parents. His mom questioned me and I wasn't going to lie, so it's not like I offered up the information. I tried explaining that to him, but he's still upset. Should I have kept my mouth shut?
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Old 10-31-2017, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Cantisaurus View Post
So, my next issue is he is very upset I told his parents. His mom questioned me and I wasn't going to lie, so it's not like I offered up the information. I tried explaining that to him, but he's still upset. Should I have kept my mouth shut?
My opinion? You should do what serves YOU. Your responsibility is to care for yourself. You have no obligation to keep secrets for him, especially if those secrets hurt you.
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Old 10-31-2017, 03:59 PM
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I think his feelings are his issue, and it is not your responsibility to manage them--especially not to lie to anyone to protect them.
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Old 10-31-2017, 05:04 PM
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Cantisaurus....I am giving you the following link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...dozens and dozens of them....I hope you will take the time to read through them....
They will answer many of your questions...there is sooo much to know.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 10-31-2017, 05:35 PM
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C,
You have received some great information so far. You are not married, you are out of the house, the kids are not his, so he couldn't fight for custody. You my friend, are blessed. I know you can't see that now and are looking for that one sure fire way to get him sober and live a happly life. It just doesn't exist with an active addict.

Why do you think that is acceptable to tell you he cheats, then tells you why and then the girl friend calls you. Yet you are still looking into his depression and worried about what he will say to you regarding his parents. Who cares!!

You need to cut ties, block him everywhere, phone email, all social media. Get into a support group and educate yourself why this is just wrong!! You sound like an amazing mom who has spent way to long with a self centered addict. Start directing your attention to your children, they deserve it. Hugs, and keep posting.
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Old 11-01-2017, 06:21 AM
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NO, you should not have kept your mouth shut. Thing is, it's healing to YOU to tell the truth. Addicts want you to cover for their bad behavior....which is just too bad.

Originally Posted by Cantisaurus View Post
So, my next issue is he is very upset I told his parents. His mom questioned me and I wasn't going to lie, so it's not like I offered up the information. I tried explaining that to him, but he's still upset. Should I have kept my mouth shut?
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Old 11-01-2017, 06:25 AM
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My AW was LIVID when she snooped thru my emails and found out I had said something to our priest. L-I-V-I-D!!! Notice I say "she snooped thru my emails"? Yeah, to cover up her sneakiness, she threw a fit about me letting the cat out of the bag.
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Old 11-01-2017, 11:09 AM
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So, my next issue is he is very upset I told his parents. His mom questioned me and I wasn't going to lie, so it's not like I offered up the information. I tried explaining that to him, but he's still upset. Should I have kept my mouth shut?

His mom questioned me and I wasn't going to lie, so it's not like I offered up the information.

I have told his parents only because his dad is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict and has been sober for 35 years and he loves and has tons of respect for his dad.
Sounds like you told his parents because you wanted them to make him seek help thinking because his dad overcame his own addiction issues he could help his son. This is where you are going to begin to learn that no one, not even parents can make someone do something they don’t want to do. And calling a grown man’s mommy and daddy on him, I can see how he would be mad.

Ironically, the girlfriend called me shortly after I posted. She said she knew nothing of his alcoholism and said she's left an alcoholic before and won't date another.
Just right out of the blue his new girlfriend called you? That’s incredible, do you know her? Why would she call you? And you disclosed to her that he was an alcoholic? Since she said she left an alcoholic before and will not date another, does that give you hope? Was that your plan, to try to get her out of the picture?

Deep levels of desperation on our part gets turned on when attempting to force our will of what we want another person to do, such as quit drinking and seek help, so that WE can be happy.

The situation stinks; life with an active alcoholic is not easy, pleasant, warm, fuzzy or secure. I would try and seek some help with counseling or therapy to help you work through this difficult process of your relationship ending so that you can get you and your children back together.
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Old 11-02-2017, 12:53 PM
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Cantisaurus....let me tell you a story about a woman I know....She began a relationship with a man that she had known her entire life. She loved him, she raised his kids for him, and she did everything she could to make his life sweet. She knew he drank a lot but she didn't know anything about alcoholism. She stayed for 13 years. When she realized that he had a serious problem, she tried everything she knew. She cried, she yelled, she threatened, and she ignored him. She continued to do this for years. She talked to his friends, his family, his children......She repeated all of these steps...over and over and over. Why wouldn't he stop....what could she do to make him stop.....

Then, she came on here...she posted over and over and over about him not stopping and lamented about all she's done to make him....and you know what? After 10 years of doing this, the mantra she heard finally sank in. There is NOTHING that she could do to make him stop. It was time to make a decision...could she live like this for the rest of her life or couldn't she? What's more important....her happiness or his? It's a hard question to answer and then act on. You will come to a point when you decide to do what's best for you. I did.
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