Seren

I am sure that I, like so many here, have struggled with self confidence in many ways over the years. I am particularly self-conscious about how I look. You see, I will be the first to admit that I am not particularly attractive. I mean, I'm not an ogre, but I have never been one to turn heads when I walk into a room....unless of course I trip while doing so

Anyway, moving on...

So, I have never received a spontaneous compliment about my appearance. I have no sense of whether or not men have ever found me attractive. I mean, my husband did, but just the male of the species in general--no clue.

Last weekend, I received a sincere compliment. And it has taken me this long to mentally process it.

A lovely man I know who is the beloved husband of a dear friend of mine was attending the same volunteer function at church where his wife and I were working separate booths. He came over to talk to me after a while because we are friends. As we were talking, I happened to take off my glasses for a moment because my eyes were tired, and he said "You have beautiful eyes. I never realized...I suppose I have just never seen you without your glasses." I told him it was very kind for him to say so.

I was floored.

This was not a compliment about some accomplishment.
It was not a compliment about something I was wearing ("Oh, what a pretty dress!").
It was not said or meant in a lewd or salacious way--he was certainly not hitting on me.

I don't believe appearance is the most important thing about a person. But when you have never felt you were pretty, to have someone tell you that something about your appearance is beautiful...well, it was an amazing and memorable event in my life.

I hope to incorporate this experience into my life so that perhaps I will feel a bit better about myself.

What compliment would you like to receive that might be just the boost you need?

maia1234

Seren,
What a kind man to make such a statement to you, you must have beautiful eyes.

Enjoy the compliment with pride, my friend!!

Nata1980

Seren - I’ve bet your eyes are beautiful 😊

At times, I struggle with compliments, especially being in a spot in front of bunch of people - I am a token introvert. Working on getting better

My favorite compliments are when people are surprised with my piano playing skills. Or knitting prowess. Another one happened in a training class at work - I ran into a person I have not seen for a while, and he proceeded to brag about how great I am and that he knew I would end up climbing the career ladder - to the whole class. People were asking me how much I paid him to say that😊

Oh and people saying they miss me in my old department

I do know that compliments from XAH make my skin crawl. I always feel like it is either a jab or some sort of manipulation, while he probably means it. Need to work on that.

Seren

Maia, yes, he and his wife are very dear to me. They are funny, creative, very smart, lovely people to be around. Maybe I do have nice eyes

Nata, receiving compliments can be very hard for me sometimes. I can't quite bring myself to just say "Thank you." I always have to add the caveat of "it's very kind of you to say so". Which I suppose is OK. It's kind of offering a compliment back to the person who gave it.

honeypig

I've been thinking what compliment(s) would mean the most to me, since I read this thread earlier today. I'd have to say that the things I'd most like to be told about myself would be that I was loyal, dependable and honest. In thinking about this, those are the main things I would want in a close friend or, were I ever to start dating again, in a partner.

And I am quite certain I value those specific qualities as much as I do simply b/c they were in mighty short supply in my childhood years. Since I grew up w/o much loyalty, dependability or honesty around me, I wasn't real good at recognizing those things when I got older. I'm starting to learn just how important those 3 things are to me, and I'm starting to learn that seeing them in someone's actions is the best way to know if they are really there.

Interesting thread, Seren, thanks for posting! I'm curious to read what others will have to say here.

FireSprite

I've always had a hard time accepting compliments - mostly because I had a hard time BELIEVING them about myself. How could I accept what I perceived to be a lie?

Even simple compliments became deflected - you did a great job! Not really.... it's ok.

Someone here on SR pointed out in my early recovery that receiving a compliment graciously is as important as being able to give compliments to others. That gratitude isn't just about giving - it is also about receiving with grace. That really struck a chord for me & made me change the way I think about it. In a way, I was martyring myself every time I deflected a sincere compliment. But acceptance of self was necessary for me to get there internally for myself & my path.

Now, I'm possibly a bit overconfident. The last time a guy told me I was beautiful I responded, "Yes, I am, thanks!" and walked away....

dandylion

I think that the compliment that has meant the most to me is when I have been called "genuine"......that covers a lot of territory, in my mind...lol....

I have got to say that I love to get compliments....that is, as long as I think that they are sincere....
Growing, up, I was in a culture that didn't hand out compliments, easily....at least, not directly.
So, naturally, any compliment made my little heart sing......

honeypig

"Genuine" is a compliment that would mean a lot to me, too, dandy. That's a good word to describe that whole package of values/behaviors that that term calls up for me.

hopeful4

Those eyes!!!.....

I make light, but I know just what you mean Seren. It's nice to feel attractive, especially when it's out of the blue, and from someone you respect.

I honestly don' t know what compliment would make my day. I have always suffered from self esteem issues. I get compliments sometimes but I always assume the person is just trying to be nice.

Thank you for the thought provoking post. I am going to think about this.

PuzzledHeart

The one word that would make my day would be "assertive." IRL, I'm pretty congenial, and there are times where I wonder if I acquiesced too soon during a conflict. A lawyer I am not.

I also wouldn't mind being called a smart ass every once in a while (in a loving, teasing tone, of course.)

hopeful4

Puzzled.....your friends here at SR just love your Smart A$$!!!! LOL!

CentralOhioDad

When people who, after meeting/interacting with DS7 say, "What a great kid, you've done a great job with with him!"

We've taught him to say, "yes, please", no, thank you", "may I?", etc.

When I get that from people, a lot of times strangers, it warms my heart. He has a long life ahead of him and a bright future, I want to know he has a good foundation.

COD

PuzzledHeart

...blushing...

I'm now nursing a cold, but you just made my evening!

Timetoheal12

Seren, thanks for sharing this.
I hope you realize that this person was honest with you!

I like to give sincere compliments to people I care about. When it comes to receiving them, I had always been proud of my intelligence and talent. People whom I care about often compliment those qualities on me.
However, during my last relationship, the ex abf would sometimes subtly compare me to other girls, girls who were also talented, intelligent and so on.
I started to feel "less-than"and like I was not "good enough". I would see the qualities on everyone else but felt as I was the most boring, pointless person.
Since the comparisons were very, very subtle, I never thought it was wrong on his part. Until one day I realized, "but you really are an interesting, intelligent and talented person" and also, "isn't my boyfriend supposed to trat me with care and respect?"

I'm no longer with him, it's been a month, and I've been trying to compliment myself everyday since then.

FireSprite

I've been thinking about this the way you guys discussed upthread - like, what kinds of compliments mean the most?

I've decided I really don't care what the compliment relates to, I only care that it is, in & of itself, a genuine expression of appreciation. I don't care if it's about work, home, kid, physical looks or brains - but I DO care that the person really means it without any ulterior motive.

Looking back, I have often gained appreciation for things about myself based on hearing some unexpected compliment - it made me look at things about myself through another's perspective & that ALWAYS helps me grow.

Seren

I would agree with that, FireSprite

I suppose a compliment can help us see and appreciate things about ourselves that we would not normally see.

Many of us have distorted images of ourselves that do not allow us to see ourselves the way others see us. It is hard to be objective. Maybe it is what we have taken on board from years of verbal abuse, maybe it borders on a body dysmorphic disorder.

I think genuine, sincere, unaffected compliments can help us see ourselves as we really are--I think I'm going to go compliment someone today!

dandylion

After reading this thread...it has made me think.....I had not thought of this before...but, I think that a better word than "compliment", is the word "appreciation".
Especially, for people who find it hard to accept a compliment...it would be easier to think of it as receiving an appreciation.....

FireSprite

Exactly dandy, I feel like I've been beating this forum over the head with Appreciation-Talk across so many threads........

LifeRecovery

FireSprite-

But you do it so well. We appreciate you so much for doing it!