JenMarie

I’m new to all of this. I’m hoping someone can shed me light. I was married to a man who loved to drink but he always went overboard. It disgusted me. I always said he had a drinking problem until I met my prior ex boyfriend. Coming out of a marriage I knew I didn’t want to deal with the drinking aspect again. I went for coffee with this amazing guy. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman ever. We had an instant connection! I told him my wants n my prior issues and he told me he wasn’t a drinker. That was music to my ears! However, during our official first date he broke the news that he was a recovering alcoholic. I felt so depressed and sad bc I truly liked this man. He explain it was about 9 years since he was really bad but has had a few here n there. Putting my best judgement aside, I kept dating him. Unfortunately for the first 6-8 months of our relationship, he had several MAJOR relapses. Even though I wanted to leave, I stood by him and tried to help him. I offered anything I could. Finally he saw a dr and got on a pill that makes u ill if you drink. From that point on it was smooth sailing! I always worried in the back of my head if he would slip up. If he was late or didn’t text me back right away, where he was. Kinda of like someone who is cheating. But it started to fade. Our relationship wasn’t all peaches n cream. We had other issues going on from my divorce and his past (bf I met him) from drinking. But in all that he was the most amazing man I ever met! Truly the sweetest guy! I felt like I struck gold! He was everything I wanted. The connection we had on every level was so amazing. He promised he would never go away. Always support me and be there for me. Talked about engagement! Looked at rings! Things started to get really rocky bc of my divorce etc and it was like out of no where he started to pull away. The best way I could describe it, as soon as he knew I was “all in” it was like the challenge was gone. I had a walk up for so long that when he finally broke it down he wanted nothing to do with me. He became this person I never imagined. Cut me off. Won’t speak to me. Ignores me. Very stubborn. Funny thing about it tho, every relationship he has had, has ended almost at the 2 yr mark. So my question is, how does an alcoholic love. Is this something that is normal? Do they not know how to truly love or are they scared? I’m very confused. Very heartbroken. We had issues, but nothing that was serious enough to end it the way he did. Is this normal behavior? I’ve tried to show him how sorry I was for hurting him (nothing with cheating or anything serious...just being distant). And he doesn’t acknowledge anything.

Any help would be appreciated!

biminiblue

It's not just alcoholics who change their minds about relationships.

The harsh reality is that anyone can leave any relationship at any time for any or no reason.

I think - save your dignity and don't chase after someone once they have said they're out. You'll heal and be wiser for it. You deserve someone who's all in, right? ((hug))

JenMarie

I agree! He was all in for 1 1/2. I was the one that was distant. But it was like the min I was all in he didn’t want it. He changed so much. Idk if that has to do with the alcohol or his past of being committed. But it’s all so unreal!!! I’m left heartbroken and confused

biminiblue

Yeah. Well it could be the alcohol in part or fear of commitment or or or or...

I know you feel like it's important to know why, but it won't change the outcome. He probably couldn't even answer that - and if you asked he would probably put it back on you because he would feel cornered about his decision, so a discussion is pointless.

We don't know him. Could be any number of things.

Every breakup I've ever had came with questions that never got answered.

Time is the cure.

honeypig

Jen, I'm going to refer you to this thread. I think it might help you to understand (or perhaps to understand why you DON'T need to understand...) a great deal:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...18042-why.html (Why)

Xia

Hi Jen, I feel for you as you express your confusion and sadness. I fully relate to the bit about talking about marriage and looking at rings and then the 180 degree flip. My XA boyfriend did the same thing...2 days after he vowed to my parents whom he met for the first time that he wanted to marry me and take care of me. Overnight it seems he went to doubting if he could love me forever or that he'd remain interested and committed long term. While dealing with this heartbreaking change in him the seriousness of his alcoholism also began to dawn upon me. So many intertwined unhealthy issues.
I'm new here and have been reading SR a lot. One thing that resonated with me so much was this concept of "Happy Chasers" by OpheliaKatz. Sorry, I tried to post a link but since my post-count is so low it wouldn't let me post the link.
I copied this bit for me because it made so much sense for me and perhaps you may relate to it too:
Quote from OpheliaKatz: "So I don't know if this speaks to your experience but addicts use people. They use people to feel happy. They use drugs to feel happy. They are happy chasers. Always chasing the happy. Not able to deal with negative emotions, including boredom. Sometimes they don't even understand contentment. What is sad about this is that sometimes it means the addict is a perfectionist (everything has to be better than fine, they have to be happy, not content), someone who, if they really had to see their behavior for what it was, would not be able to accept themselves. You have to be OK with being alone before you can be in a relationship. I mean, really OK... not just tolerating it."
Hugs and prayers Jen- so sorry your heart is being ripped out.

Hawkeye13

I'm an alcoholic and I'm married twenty years now,
so my view is that you can't assume that it's the booze.
His history suggests it's him

I know it hurts, but better to find out now before you're married with kids--best to you

53500

It sounds like that's just how he is. He likes the chase and once it's done he moves onto another chase. But who knows. In the end it doesn't really matter why he changed. Bottom line: it's unacceptable and painful behavior toward you. You don't need this in your life.

JenMarie

Wow. That quote/statement from the book sounds so real! It’s hard to digest. It truly is. He’s a perfectionist. Everything has to be perfect. I made a mistake and moved away from my bad environment I was in (from my ex husband) but he (my bf) never offered to give me another choice on how we could move into another place. Fast forward 2 months and I realized I missed him like crazy so I moved back. And just like that I’m an awful person. Cut every tie with me.

Mango blast

Hi JenMarie,

How are you doing today?

(((Hugs)))

KTF

dandylion

Jen....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....
You might as well educate yourself o n alcoholism, now, because you will meet it many times in the future....nd, you need to be able to recognize it, right away and make wise decisions for yourself in the future..
We humans tend to repeat out patterns..without even realizing it....UNLESS we gain insight into ourselves and change the patterns....
If you stick around and read from the thousands and thousands of real life stories....you will see your own story written over and over again...and, again.....
This is a great (if unexpected) opportunity for you....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

You could enjoy and learn from the very, very popular book, around here...."Co-dependent No More"....you can get it on amazon.com
I highly recommend it!

You could also benefit from the support of alanon meetings...to be in the presence of those others who have suffered at the hands of an alcoholic....
From those who understand beyond just mere words.....

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic I can say active (and those in early recovery) alcoholics are incapable of loving in a healthy, adult way. "His majesty the child" is a saying I've heard in the rooms. In Bill Wilson's Big Book he describes alcoholics as being self centered in the extreme and selfish with enormous self will. Erratic and illogical behavior is the norm.