It's a never-ending cycle, I swear
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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It's a never-ending cycle, I swear
I posted here about two weeks ago, but felt the need to make a second post. I think more as a way to vent than anything.
My husband will usually drink every single night. A six pack of beers and maybe a few vodka drinks. After telling him how tired I was of his promises to stop but it never happening, he did give it a solid attempt last week. Instead, he drank hot tea...he made it until about Wednesday when he had a single beer and then switched back to tea until Friday.
Then, of course, we got into a massive fight. On Friday, he was playing video games online with friends (starting to think he has a video game addiction too) and I hadn't seen any beer in the fridge so was surprised when I walked into the living room and he had one. I made what I thought was a lighthearted, joking comment and said something like "hey where were you hiding those?" . He totally flipped. Even though he was wearing headphones, insisted all his friends heard me make that comment and now were probably making judgements on him and that I was a 'dick'. He just made me feel really horrible. He kept telling me I was treating him like an ******* all week and that the feels like he can't talk to me anymore and even said something along the lines of how he feels no incentive to drink less or stop if I'm still going to act angry all the time and threaten to leave for a few days. It just makes him want to drink more. Just putting all this blame on me for no reason and making me feel horrible. I apologized over and over and told him AGAIN that I can't help it if his drinking makes me resent him.
And guess what? Do you think he remembered this conversation the next day? Nope. Grrr! This was supposed to be another week of not drinking but he bought a six pack on Wednesday and one 16oz on Thursday. He has a problem but he acts like I'm overreacting all the time! Like lately all I can think about is that this is my life now, and it's not the way I envisioned living at twenty-eight years old. Like I thought I'd be married to someone who would at least go to bed with me at the same time each night, or help around the house, etc. It's like his drinking has just made him excessively lazy and unmotivated to do anything besides go to work and come home and play video games. I feel like I'm married to a child, or like a college frat boy sometimes, instead of a thirty-six year old man.
I love him, but I'm bitter and miserable. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do next. We just fight and bicker all the time, and everything feels like it's my fault. I've talked to my best friend. Her father actually died from alcoholism when she was a child. Her opinion is that I need to leave but I don't think it's that cut and dry. I'm tempted to talk to my sister who called off her first engagement when her fiancé became video game obsessed and lazy, but I'm terrified of telling her all of this and then the holidays roll around and she's silently judging him while we exchange presents or have Christmas dinner, etc.
I've been reading a lot of other posts here, though, and the articles shared. It's made me feel less alone so at least there's that.
My husband will usually drink every single night. A six pack of beers and maybe a few vodka drinks. After telling him how tired I was of his promises to stop but it never happening, he did give it a solid attempt last week. Instead, he drank hot tea...he made it until about Wednesday when he had a single beer and then switched back to tea until Friday.
Then, of course, we got into a massive fight. On Friday, he was playing video games online with friends (starting to think he has a video game addiction too) and I hadn't seen any beer in the fridge so was surprised when I walked into the living room and he had one. I made what I thought was a lighthearted, joking comment and said something like "hey where were you hiding those?" . He totally flipped. Even though he was wearing headphones, insisted all his friends heard me make that comment and now were probably making judgements on him and that I was a 'dick'. He just made me feel really horrible. He kept telling me I was treating him like an ******* all week and that the feels like he can't talk to me anymore and even said something along the lines of how he feels no incentive to drink less or stop if I'm still going to act angry all the time and threaten to leave for a few days. It just makes him want to drink more. Just putting all this blame on me for no reason and making me feel horrible. I apologized over and over and told him AGAIN that I can't help it if his drinking makes me resent him.
And guess what? Do you think he remembered this conversation the next day? Nope. Grrr! This was supposed to be another week of not drinking but he bought a six pack on Wednesday and one 16oz on Thursday. He has a problem but he acts like I'm overreacting all the time! Like lately all I can think about is that this is my life now, and it's not the way I envisioned living at twenty-eight years old. Like I thought I'd be married to someone who would at least go to bed with me at the same time each night, or help around the house, etc. It's like his drinking has just made him excessively lazy and unmotivated to do anything besides go to work and come home and play video games. I feel like I'm married to a child, or like a college frat boy sometimes, instead of a thirty-six year old man.
I love him, but I'm bitter and miserable. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do next. We just fight and bicker all the time, and everything feels like it's my fault. I've talked to my best friend. Her father actually died from alcoholism when she was a child. Her opinion is that I need to leave but I don't think it's that cut and dry. I'm tempted to talk to my sister who called off her first engagement when her fiancé became video game obsessed and lazy, but I'm terrified of telling her all of this and then the holidays roll around and she's silently judging him while we exchange presents or have Christmas dinner, etc.
I've been reading a lot of other posts here, though, and the articles shared. It's made me feel less alone so at least there's that.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
The best defense is a good offense.
He seems to know that, and it seems to be working.
You know what you know, and your feelings are valid.
Ultimately, he may not be willing to quit.
What are your feelings about living with this as it progresses?
Between that and the video gaming, I can really understand about feeling lonely.
Being married to a drinker is a lonely sad life.
What would you tell your friend if your places were exchanged?
He seems to know that, and it seems to be working.
You know what you know, and your feelings are valid.
Ultimately, he may not be willing to quit.
What are your feelings about living with this as it progresses?
Between that and the video gaming, I can really understand about feeling lonely.
Being married to a drinker is a lonely sad life.
What would you tell your friend if your places were exchanged?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
@Hawkeye13
I honestly don't think he will ever quit. In my heart, I really feel that and it crushes me.
I don't know what I would tell my friend...I guess probably something similar. I guess I keep telling myself that leaving, even temporarily, is a big jump and an overreaction. But is it really?? I just sort of feel like I'm at this crossroads. Or maybe I do need to have another serious conversation with him and lay everything out.
Maybe I should try therapy, I don't know anymore.
I honestly don't think he will ever quit. In my heart, I really feel that and it crushes me.
I don't know what I would tell my friend...I guess probably something similar. I guess I keep telling myself that leaving, even temporarily, is a big jump and an overreaction. But is it really?? I just sort of feel like I'm at this crossroads. Or maybe I do need to have another serious conversation with him and lay everything out.
Maybe I should try therapy, I don't know anymore.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
emma.....you are n ot over reacting.....living with an active alcoholic can be miserable and lonely.
Around here, we refer to the 3 Cs.....
You didn't cause it...you can't cure it...and, you can't control it.....
You have no control over him...and, if you try to...he will just resent it (as you can see)....
If he ever stops dinking, he will do it because he decides to, for himself......
Think of it as two sides of the street....his side and your side....
He controls himself and everything on hi s side...and, you control your self and everything on your side. It is best if you stay on your side of the street.
On your side of the street...you are in charge of your own best welfare...you are entitled to your feelings and actions....(as well as the consequences of your actions)...just as he is his....
Yes, a counselor for yourself is a great idea, I think...and, I highly suggest that you start going to alanon meetings.
For right now, I suggest that you stop nagging him (lol) about his drinking. It is a waste of your breath and just start fights. Detach from him as much as you can, concerning his drinking. Keep yourself as occupied as you can with your own activities. You don't have to make any decision right this minute...unless he becomes abusive to you, of course.
I am going to give you a link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...dozens of articles! Please start reading them and educating yourself.....
Begin getting your support through counselor and alanon meetings. You don't need to discuss any of this with him...as this belongs on your side of the street.
How much you choose to say or don't is entirely up to you, though....
Here is the link......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Around here, we refer to the 3 Cs.....
You didn't cause it...you can't cure it...and, you can't control it.....
You have no control over him...and, if you try to...he will just resent it (as you can see)....
If he ever stops dinking, he will do it because he decides to, for himself......
Think of it as two sides of the street....his side and your side....
He controls himself and everything on hi s side...and, you control your self and everything on your side. It is best if you stay on your side of the street.
On your side of the street...you are in charge of your own best welfare...you are entitled to your feelings and actions....(as well as the consequences of your actions)...just as he is his....
Yes, a counselor for yourself is a great idea, I think...and, I highly suggest that you start going to alanon meetings.
For right now, I suggest that you stop nagging him (lol) about his drinking. It is a waste of your breath and just start fights. Detach from him as much as you can, concerning his drinking. Keep yourself as occupied as you can with your own activities. You don't have to make any decision right this minute...unless he becomes abusive to you, of course.
I am going to give you a link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...dozens of articles! Please start reading them and educating yourself.....
Begin getting your support through counselor and alanon meetings. You don't need to discuss any of this with him...as this belongs on your side of the street.
How much you choose to say or don't is entirely up to you, though....
Here is the link......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, emmab.
Welcome.
I remember your original post.
Dandylion and Hawkeye make excellent points.
Please learn as much as you can about alcohol dependency and addiction.
It is not your fault, but you can’t fix it. That is for your spouse to do if and when he is ready.
Which may happen next week, or never happen.
When I read your most recent post, I thought: “The alcohol addicts playbook.”
Here are some of the highlights.
-Drink every day.
-Be emotionally unavailable to your partner.
-Promise to cut back or stop when threatened with consequences.
-Cut back or stop for a few days until the heat gets turned down at home.
-Begin drinking again.
-Get mad and accusatory when called on the drinking.
-Blame the drinking on your spouse.
Sheesh.
I too recommend Al-Anon and/or counselling with someone who specializes in families and addiction.
Good luck and hugs.
Welcome.
I remember your original post.
Dandylion and Hawkeye make excellent points.
Please learn as much as you can about alcohol dependency and addiction.
It is not your fault, but you can’t fix it. That is for your spouse to do if and when he is ready.
Which may happen next week, or never happen.
When I read your most recent post, I thought: “The alcohol addicts playbook.”
Here are some of the highlights.
-Drink every day.
-Be emotionally unavailable to your partner.
-Promise to cut back or stop when threatened with consequences.
-Cut back or stop for a few days until the heat gets turned down at home.
-Begin drinking again.
-Get mad and accusatory when called on the drinking.
-Blame the drinking on your spouse.
Sheesh.
I too recommend Al-Anon and/or counselling with someone who specializes in families and addiction.
Good luck and hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
He knows what he's doing. This is meant to hurt you, to keep you in line and off-balance. It's a very deliberate tactic.
Whether he remembers later and lies about it or really doesn't remember doesn't matter -- when an alcoholic says/does these things, it is very deliberate. This is the time to realize:
1. Alcoholism is a disease. These are symptoms of the disease. It's not personal.
2. Alcoholism is chronic and progressive. It's treatment is counter-intuitive. What actually helps is often the opposite of what logic would think.
3. Alcoholism is a family disease that touches all who are in the vicinity.
4. Three C's: you didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. You can't Cure it. The fourth c I've heard of and really relate to is that we can Contribute to the insanity of it.
It's also possible to find healing and to step away from contributing to the disease.
Stick around. Keep posting. One day at a time, one step at a time, life can and does get better.
(((Hugs)))
Whether he remembers later and lies about it or really doesn't remember doesn't matter -- when an alcoholic says/does these things, it is very deliberate. This is the time to realize:
1. Alcoholism is a disease. These are symptoms of the disease. It's not personal.
2. Alcoholism is chronic and progressive. It's treatment is counter-intuitive. What actually helps is often the opposite of what logic would think.
3. Alcoholism is a family disease that touches all who are in the vicinity.
4. Three C's: you didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. You can't Cure it. The fourth c I've heard of and really relate to is that we can Contribute to the insanity of it.
It's also possible to find healing and to step away from contributing to the disease.
Stick around. Keep posting. One day at a time, one step at a time, life can and does get better.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It does sound like a very lonely life between the drinking and the gaming - like you're sharing physical space with your husband but nothing more. He's clearly really defensive and protective of his drinking and seems to see your comments as a threat to his continuing freedom to drink as much as he wants with no consequences (like his wife "making" him feel bad - if he didn't drink so much it would be a nonissue).
He has the right to drink and play video games all day if he wants - you have the right to decide how you are going to respond to this behavior. Your response is the consequence of his addictions, it's not you being mean or unreasonable or "controlling" (a favorite word around here).
He has the right to drink and play video games all day if he wants - you have the right to decide how you are going to respond to this behavior. Your response is the consequence of his addictions, it's not you being mean or unreasonable or "controlling" (a favorite word around here).
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It's not much of a married life, and yet at 28 you need to spend a little time thinking about how this might play out over the next few years.
Drinking aside, the gaming thing is a worry. Marriage is more than having your needs for cooked food, a clean house and whatever else met. It's a give and take thing, and he may not have the maturity for the give side of the equation.
If you haven't got there by your mid-30s you may never get there. Most people spend their 20s maturing into adult life, but some just don't make it.
Drinking aside, the gaming thing is a worry. Marriage is more than having your needs for cooked food, a clean house and whatever else met. It's a give and take thing, and he may not have the maturity for the give side of the equation.
If you haven't got there by your mid-30s you may never get there. Most people spend their 20s maturing into adult life, but some just don't make it.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Em,
You are 28 and roomate's. Not a fun life. I can tell you it will get worse. The temper will show up quicker and more alcohol will be consumed. All he wants to do is work, drink and play games, not a lot of commitment to you, unless you really back him In the corner. Then he throws you the I'm sober for 3 days but you are a biatch so I am going back to drinking. Wash rinse repeat.
Educate yourself about addiction and ask yourself if this is really what you want.
You are 28 and roomate's. Not a fun life. I can tell you it will get worse. The temper will show up quicker and more alcohol will be consumed. All he wants to do is work, drink and play games, not a lot of commitment to you, unless you really back him In the corner. Then he throws you the I'm sober for 3 days but you are a biatch so I am going back to drinking. Wash rinse repeat.
Educate yourself about addiction and ask yourself if this is really what you want.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
All excellent points in the above posts.
Nothing needs to happen today, however.
Educate yourself, get some counselling or group work, like Al-Anon.
There is tons of support in the Al-Anon rooms, as there is here on this site.
Read around the Friends and Families of alcoholics forum.
You will see stories just like yours, and how partners respond.
Some leave, some don’t.
You are in the prime of your life.
Choose wisely the way you want to live it.
With an alcoholic spouse who puts drink and gaming before you?
Or free of all that nonsense.
We all deserve to live a life of contentment and serenity.
Peace and good thoughts.
Nothing needs to happen today, however.
Educate yourself, get some counselling or group work, like Al-Anon.
There is tons of support in the Al-Anon rooms, as there is here on this site.
Read around the Friends and Families of alcoholics forum.
You will see stories just like yours, and how partners respond.
Some leave, some don’t.
You are in the prime of your life.
Choose wisely the way you want to live it.
With an alcoholic spouse who puts drink and gaming before you?
Or free of all that nonsense.
We all deserve to live a life of contentment and serenity.
Peace and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 76
It IS a never-ending cycle.
Like the comments above say, it is not your fault. And you can't fix it. Only he can fix the problem of alcoholism, and he is the only one with any control over when and IF it ever happens. Meanwhile, you are subjected to unacceptable behavior. All you can control is you.
Read the links above, think on all you learn, and remember: you are in good company here! You are far, far from alone in any of these experiences. Everything you wrote, I could have written myself within the last several weeks.
You deserve the life you want. You get to decide what's right for you, and you should suffer for no one. Hugs!
Like the comments above say, it is not your fault. And you can't fix it. Only he can fix the problem of alcoholism, and he is the only one with any control over when and IF it ever happens. Meanwhile, you are subjected to unacceptable behavior. All you can control is you.
Read the links above, think on all you learn, and remember: you are in good company here! You are far, far from alone in any of these experiences. Everything you wrote, I could have written myself within the last several weeks.
You deserve the life you want. You get to decide what's right for you, and you should suffer for no one. Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
I think I know what to do.
It's just actually doing it.
I found an Al-Anon meeting in my area that meets on Thursdays so I'm going to go to that. Do I tell him I'm going??
And then I think I'll spend the weekend with my sister a few hours away, talk to her, get her advice, get a plan together.
Thanks for all your support, everyone. It means the world.
It's just actually doing it.
I found an Al-Anon meeting in my area that meets on Thursdays so I'm going to go to that. Do I tell him I'm going??
And then I think I'll spend the weekend with my sister a few hours away, talk to her, get her advice, get a plan together.
Thanks for all your support, everyone. It means the world.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
emma...I don't think that you have to tell him, if you don't want to.
You have the right to go anywhere you want.
If you think he is going to give you a hard time or retaliate in some way....I would just tell him that you are going to a woman's group for your self improvement....that is, if you are pushed into a corner and feel that you have to say something....
You have the right to go anywhere you want.
If you think he is going to give you a hard time or retaliate in some way....I would just tell him that you are going to a woman's group for your self improvement....that is, if you are pushed into a corner and feel that you have to say something....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 76
Emma,
Tell him if it serves you, not if it doesn't.
I knew what I wanted/needed to do ages before I could actually figure out how to do it.
What helped me:
1. reconnecting with friends who I spent a lot of time with during the parts of my life where I felt the strongest. Talking to them, and my family, about some of this stuff. That made me realize I had a net.
2. This forum - this forum has been HUGE for me. The first clear demonstration that I am not alone in this struggle, that just maybe I am not a defective person, just in a dysfunctional situation.
3. Going to an Al-Anon meeting. Sitting in a circle with a bunch of other ordinary looking people telling their stories, any one of which described my life. I realized I had an even bigger net.
I did not tell my AH that I was going because I didn't want to, and I decided it was none of his business.
Afterward, I felt so good about the experience that I did tell him, and suggested he try AA, because I had been so buoyed my my own experience with Al-Anon. I felt like it would be ungenerous of me not to encourage him to go once I realized how valuable it was. I'm glad I did. He went once, of course, and decided it was not for him, he could not relate to those people, he'd never been homeless etc... whatever.
Anyway, I never figured out how to leave. I just did it the moment I realized I could not spend another minute under the same roof living that lie. At that point, I couldn't stand to NOT leave. I don't know what allowed me to let go of the shreds of hope and denial that had kept me there so long. Maybe the tipping point just comes when it comes. Working on yourself helps.
Tell him if it serves you, not if it doesn't.
I knew what I wanted/needed to do ages before I could actually figure out how to do it.
What helped me:
1. reconnecting with friends who I spent a lot of time with during the parts of my life where I felt the strongest. Talking to them, and my family, about some of this stuff. That made me realize I had a net.
2. This forum - this forum has been HUGE for me. The first clear demonstration that I am not alone in this struggle, that just maybe I am not a defective person, just in a dysfunctional situation.
3. Going to an Al-Anon meeting. Sitting in a circle with a bunch of other ordinary looking people telling their stories, any one of which described my life. I realized I had an even bigger net.
I did not tell my AH that I was going because I didn't want to, and I decided it was none of his business.
Afterward, I felt so good about the experience that I did tell him, and suggested he try AA, because I had been so buoyed my my own experience with Al-Anon. I felt like it would be ungenerous of me not to encourage him to go once I realized how valuable it was. I'm glad I did. He went once, of course, and decided it was not for him, he could not relate to those people, he'd never been homeless etc... whatever.
Anyway, I never figured out how to leave. I just did it the moment I realized I could not spend another minute under the same roof living that lie. At that point, I couldn't stand to NOT leave. I don't know what allowed me to let go of the shreds of hope and denial that had kept me there so long. Maybe the tipping point just comes when it comes. Working on yourself helps.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by emmab219 
I found an Al-Anon meeting in my area that meets on Thursdays so I'm going to go to that. Do I tell him I'm going??
1- check your motive. why tell him?
2-think it through- what possible responses could be and would they be worth it?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by emmab219
I think I know what to do.
It's just actually doing it.
I found an Al-Anon meeting in my area that meets on Thursdays so I'm going to go to that. Do I tell him I'm going??
And then I think I'll spend the weekend with my sister a few hours away, talk to her, get her advice, get a plan together.
Thanks for all your support, everyone. It means the world.
It's just actually doing it.
I found an Al-Anon meeting in my area that meets on Thursdays so I'm going to go to that. Do I tell him I'm going??
And then I think I'll spend the weekend with my sister a few hours away, talk to her, get her advice, get a plan together.
Thanks for all your support, everyone. It means the world.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
I don't think I'll tell him then...I don't really want to. I just want to do this for myself.
My sister ended a two year engagement with a man because of his video game addiction before she met her husband (who is wonderful). I think I've known all along that she is someone I can lean on and look to for support, but have been embarrassed to tell her. Not anymore.
I feel better today than yesterday. I think I can do this.
My sister ended a two year engagement with a man because of his video game addiction before she met her husband (who is wonderful). I think I've known all along that she is someone I can lean on and look to for support, but have been embarrassed to tell her. Not anymore.
I feel better today than yesterday. I think I can do this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by emmab219
I don't think I'll tell him then...I don't really want to. I just want to do this for myself.
My sister ended a two year engagement with a man because of his video game addiction before she met her husband (who is wonderful). I think I've known all along that she is someone I can lean on and look to for support, but have been embarrassed to tell her. Not anymore.
I feel better today than yesterday. I think I can do this.
My sister ended a two year engagement with a man because of his video game addiction before she met her husband (who is wonderful). I think I've known all along that she is someone I can lean on and look to for support, but have been embarrassed to tell her. Not anymore.
I feel better today than yesterday. I think I can do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
Exactly, and I realized once I opened up to a friend that part of the reason I was scared of telling anyone was that I knew it would make the situation real. I really think talking to family will help, though. At least now I've realized my feelings are valid and that I'm not crazy for not wanting to live this way anymore. I can start talking baby steps in the right direction.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Living with an addict is isolating for spouse and children.
We are embarrassed, ashamed. We feel that it is, somehow, our fault.
That’s why Al-Anon is such a great group.
You will meet people who are in or have been in situations just like yours.
Some have left their partner or cut off contact with a family member.
Some have not.
But there is a lot of support in the Al-Anon rooms, emma, and you will see that you are not alone.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
We are embarrassed, ashamed. We feel that it is, somehow, our fault.
That’s why Al-Anon is such a great group.
You will meet people who are in or have been in situations just like yours.
Some have left their partner or cut off contact with a family member.
Some have not.
But there is a lot of support in the Al-Anon rooms, emma, and you will see that you are not alone.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
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