Doing so great ..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 35
Doing so great ..
Bf is doing so great, not drinking for weeks now and hes feeling really good about it. Healthier and happier. He's planning to go on holiday alone however and is going to allow himself to drink moderately , while he's there. He says that drinking a couple of times a year, just when on holiday, will work for him and that he will resume not drinking when he's back at home. I'm worried for him that this will be a setback? In the past he has been stuck at airports for days when he's passed out . He's confident that everything will be fine and that I should trust him. I'm confused. I thought he had stopped drinking.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he did stop......it's just that he plans to start up again.
his plan is doomed to failure.....but it's HIS plan. and at least he gave you a heads up. in his mind, it's all under control, no problems here, nothing at all to be concerned about.
in reality..........eh.
who goes on holiday by themselves?
his plan is doomed to failure.....but it's HIS plan. and at least he gave you a heads up. in his mind, it's all under control, no problems here, nothing at all to be concerned about.
in reality..........eh.
who goes on holiday by themselves?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
It will fail. Us A's cannot drink moderately or control our drinking once we start.
We play all sorts of mind games trying to find ways that we can safely drink again. Different places, different types of alcohol, on special occasions, on holiday, the list goes on and on.
It doesn't work.
We play all sorts of mind games trying to find ways that we can safely drink again. Different places, different types of alcohol, on special occasions, on holiday, the list goes on and on.
It doesn't work.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, as the others have said....the fondest dream of every alcoholic is to be able to drink like a normal person...to do controlled drinking. The thought of never having a drink again feels like a death sentence to an alcoholic.
Many...really, most...try to do the controlled drinking thing...and...drinking on holiday and on a birthday are really a favorite one, it seems...and, weddings...lol....
I am sure t hat you are upset, because you have your heart set on him not drinking....and, relapse is heartbreaking for the partner....we get that!
But, there is n othing you can do about it. If he is wanting to drink, he will find a way....
He will have to learn, by his own experience, that he cannot have a single drink....and, it might have to take him a lot of experience to come to this conclusion for himself......
Many...really, most...try to do the controlled drinking thing...and...drinking on holiday and on a birthday are really a favorite one, it seems...and, weddings...lol....
I am sure t hat you are upset, because you have your heart set on him not drinking....and, relapse is heartbreaking for the partner....we get that!
But, there is n othing you can do about it. If he is wanting to drink, he will find a way....
He will have to learn, by his own experience, that he cannot have a single drink....and, it might have to take him a lot of experience to come to this conclusion for himself......
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
thats the delusion of alcoholism- to drink moderatly with no ill effects.
i can see how t would be confusing since he said he stopped drinking. he did stop drinking, but doesnt read like he planned on staying stopped.
now onto the most important person here- YOU.
are you going to stay around it? are going to accept it and stay in the relationship?
are you going to stay around and keep sinking further with him?
i hope not- its a misrable journey into the depths of alcoholism with lots of gloom,dispair,and agony for all invloved.
i can see how t would be confusing since he said he stopped drinking. he did stop drinking, but doesnt read like he planned on staying stopped.
now onto the most important person here- YOU.
are you going to stay around it? are going to accept it and stay in the relationship?
are you going to stay around and keep sinking further with him?
i hope not- its a misrable journey into the depths of alcoholism with lots of gloom,dispair,and agony for all invloved.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Can you even believe him that he stopped?
Was he going to meetings, working a 12 step program, seeking support from sober people, accepting responsibility for his past ? Or was he just white knuckling, and not drinking. There is a difference between not drinking and recovery. It's about growing up, sobering up and working a program, that's recovery.
Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? It's up to you. Education is power!!
Was he going to meetings, working a 12 step program, seeking support from sober people, accepting responsibility for his past ? Or was he just white knuckling, and not drinking. There is a difference between not drinking and recovery. It's about growing up, sobering up and working a program, that's recovery.
Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? It's up to you. Education is power!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 35
No. He isn't on any programme and believes he can do this on his own. He experiences social anxiety in groups and so he would never be willing to get support in this way and hence why he likes doing things alone, like going on holiday. Thanks all, for your thoughts. I can only what and see what happens I suppose and go from there.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
As a recovered A, nowhere near as severe as being stuck at an airport for days, I know that regular drinking will light up all those receptors in my brain and start the habit going again.
He's being over-confident about his ability to take it and leave it, but I doubt you can talk him out of it. Just be prepared to stand aside and let the consequences play themselves out. Resist the urge to race in and rescue if he gets himself in trouble.
He's being over-confident about his ability to take it and leave it, but I doubt you can talk him out of it. Just be prepared to stand aside and let the consequences play themselves out. Resist the urge to race in and rescue if he gets himself in trouble.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 35
He's now on holiday. He got angry the night before because he wanted us to drink to start his 'holiday' and I didnt. He knows I still drink wine now and then ( and im not an alcoholic) but I'm not drinking around him. I was actually scared to even consider a drink with him because I knew he would disappear and change . Ive loved being with him sober . He had kind of emotionally removed himself from me a few days before too. We didn't even say a nice goodbye. He didn't kiss or hug me. I felt hurt, confused and angry myself . He had wanted to keep in touch with me by messaging. I had suggested we didn't, amd told him this was because I didn't want to chat to him while he was drinking . He sent me a photo of him drunk in a pub at the airport and was obviously feeling bad about it. Then when he arrived, he messaged me like nothing had happened. All happy that he was on holiday and posting photos to me. I told him I had felt hurt by his emotional withdrawal and asked for an explanation, but he's totally avoiding it. I know he's still.drinking there. He wants everything to be 'normal' holiday chat between us ( we used to drink together on holidays ) My imagination has been running wild, wondering how much and what he's drinking? is it in moderation?, is he getting himself into trouble ? Things have changedone now for me.too. He had stopped drinking after getting so strange when he was drunk it scared my kids. He's not aggressive and is a ' happy' drunk. He thinks that because he's not going to ever drink around them anymore then it's ok to drink on holiday with me.or on his own . Maybe when he returns and they're at their dad's he'll.want to start up again like he did the night before his holiday ? After he'd previously informed me He planned to only drink.on holiday? How can things go.back to how they were anyway , even if he doesnt drink when he returns ? He still has the yearning obviously and is he just supressing it to please me? None of this makes any sense to me. I dearly love this man and want to stay with him, but I'm struggling to understand how he can admit he's an alcoholic and know he has to stop drinking and do it seemingly easily and with self love and gratitude, but then allow himself to drink now on holiday and think it's ok with me ? Is it possible to do both ? He's not an aggressive or abusive drunk. He's not bothering anyone except for me. I think he uses it to avoid thinking about difficult emotional issues in his life ( including me probably ) and past. It makes me feel quite helpless and emotionally rejected. I know he loves me . I'm just trying to get on with my days atm.and let him.do.what he needs to do.and hope he'll see the light in retrospect . Until the next time ? Thanks for listening it helps not to feel so alone with all this. It feels so crazy really.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Turq uoise.....I am giving you the following link to our library of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I hope you will take the time to read through them....there is sooo much to learn....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Please don't assume that he is bothering only you....If he was so drunk that he "scared the children"....he is affecting them, also. These kinds of things stick in their memories that they will carry into adulthood....We adults almost al ways u nderestimate how a ware children of heir surroundings...they are like little sponges...
One question....w hen he goes on holiday...does he drive alone in a car...or, does he ever travel on a train, bus, or plane?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Please don't assume that he is bothering only you....If he was so drunk that he "scared the children"....he is affecting them, also. These kinds of things stick in their memories that they will carry into adulthood....We adults almost al ways u nderestimate how a ware children of heir surroundings...they are like little sponges...
One question....w hen he goes on holiday...does he drive alone in a car...or, does he ever travel on a train, bus, or plane?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Turquoise,
Sorry you are going through this....
As others have said, the great white whale of the alcoholic is the quest to control our drinking. Like Hawkeye said so awesomely it doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. He probably white knuckled it for the last few weeks, knowing full well he would "get to take a break" from sobriety on holiday. Like any good alcoholic, he seemingly counted the minutes to when he could start. (At home, with you before leaving). You didn't play, that made him unhappy.
The back and forth is an alcoholic knows drinking is not good for our loved ones, ourselves. So we try super hard to compartmentalize the drinking. Because actually quitting for good is on one hand the only best way, but on the other hand completely unthinkable. I tried this for years, it doesn't work.
This is his problem to fix or not. They say this a lot here but it's so very true: you did not CAUSE his alcoholism, you can't CONTROL it, and as much as we all wish we could, you can't CURE it.
You can take good care of you. You have a lot of kind support here. Hugs.
Sorry you are going through this....
As others have said, the great white whale of the alcoholic is the quest to control our drinking. Like Hawkeye said so awesomely it doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. He probably white knuckled it for the last few weeks, knowing full well he would "get to take a break" from sobriety on holiday. Like any good alcoholic, he seemingly counted the minutes to when he could start. (At home, with you before leaving). You didn't play, that made him unhappy.
The back and forth is an alcoholic knows drinking is not good for our loved ones, ourselves. So we try super hard to compartmentalize the drinking. Because actually quitting for good is on one hand the only best way, but on the other hand completely unthinkable. I tried this for years, it doesn't work.
This is his problem to fix or not. They say this a lot here but it's so very true: you did not CAUSE his alcoholism, you can't CONTROL it, and as much as we all wish we could, you can't CURE it.
You can take good care of you. You have a lot of kind support here. Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 35
Thankyou both for your comments and kindness and the links. I will have a good read of the articles. Mode of transport varies. Historically we've had a long distance relationship, so plane is most common, as in most holidays we've shared.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Turquoise....the reason that I asked, is that a plane or train is a closed space with a lot of people that he probably has never seen before.....
Pubs or bars are also places where several people gather....
I am thinking about the fact that he won't get any help because he doesn't like a room with people.
Many AA meetings are smaller numbers than on a plane...and,one doesn't have to do any speaking, if they are uncomfortable.....
One hears this as an excuse not to get any help, a lot, around here...lol...
Pubs or bars are also places where several people gather....
I am thinking about the fact that he won't get any help because he doesn't like a room with people.
Many AA meetings are smaller numbers than on a plane...and,one doesn't have to do any speaking, if they are uncomfortable.....
One hears this as an excuse not to get any help, a lot, around here...lol...
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