kodi

For a long time I lived in "why".

Replaying events, replaying feelings. Spending hours on figuring out the alcoholic. Spending hours trying to figure out myself.

Why does he drink
Why does he make empty promises
Why does he hurt my feelings
Why doesn't he show me remorse
Why doesn't he try to save our relationship
Why doesn't he see how sad / tired / willing / loving / angry / frustrated I am.
Why is does he push me away but then tries to lure me back when I'm distant
Why does he ignore me
Why won't he breakup with me if he is unhappy with me and is distant
Why did I end up with an alcoholic
Why didn't I see (and act on) the red flags
Why am I running back to him
Why don't I just end things
Why do I still love him
Why can I stop thinking about him
Why am I wanting to find out if he moved one just to hurt myself again
Why am I so darn miserable all the time
Why can't I be honest to my friends and family about what I'm experiencing.
Why are other deserving of loving partners when I've been so good.
The list goes on and on.

I felt I NEEDED the answers to be able to move past the experience. I needed to understand every little thing to justify to a rational explanation. I needed to make sense from the chaos and unanswered. If there was a reason then I could blame the reason. Then I wouldn't feel as bad.

Then I realised one day. Its not "why" that's the answer to me moving on. Its the "what is". Me accepting I won't have an answer to everything and I don't need to understand every little thing about him or myself
or the past started moving me forward with the healing. I no longer lived in the past or the future every day. No repeating events or feeling over and over. I lived in the present and what's today's agenda.

It is what it is. Now what's next.

honeypig

kodi, what a great post! I remember when I began to come to those conclusions also. It was like the lifting of a great weight--I could stop struggling, stop trying to understand things that made no sense, and just get on w/my life.

Many years ago, I had a "page a day" Zen calendar. I remember a particular saying that seems to sum up your revelations. Here it is:



I'm so happy that you've arrived at this place on your journey--it can be a real turning point!

PeacefulWater12

What a liberating post. Thanks for sharing it.

I apply this to my AH. It doesn't matter why, my role is to work my own program and take care of my own recovery. A big weight lifted from my shoulders.

hopeful4

Yes, bravo. The why does not really matter eventually, it is simply the actions.

Good for you, this is something some people can never realize.

dandylion

While I certainly agree that there are some answers that we just have to accept, that we will never get.....I do think that it is natural to ask questions while we are going through the processing time. I think we process until we can reqroup and "reframe" the situation into something that we can live with, enough, so that we can move on.....

I'm just saying.....

biminiblue

We put a question mark where God puts a period.

Clover71

I agree with this, and it's one of the most difficult parts for me. I think in a way it's looking for a fix.

hearthealth

Thank you for the post. Lately I've been asking," Why I allow all these whys?" Not in controlling him but for me to take another option and leave.

Newlife17

Thank you for this.

LifeRecovery

Kodi-

I just had a big puzzle piece drop and put the picture together in therapy.

Throughout all of my life and especially in my relationship that got me here I had a checklist.

It was a checklist of what I could do/should do/etc and I had the impression that if I did this "Good Girl," checklist all correctly I would get the answer/relationship/situation I wanted.

I think from this stemmed a lot of the why queries you put out there.

Acknowledging this, was a huge deal and I probably have been working on this self-awareness for months so it has quickly led to accepting of it. I feel so much lighter as a result of knowing this. I see the world differently and through a completely different perspective. I am looking forward to the self-loving action that I can now participate in because I no longer feel like I have to "earn," my play time, self-care, and other resources.

Now I realize I had to have this relationship to do the learning I needed to do to heal all the old pieces that needed it......now I can really start to look forward.

I am not saying that this is your underlying motivation. I am curious though if you have those whys in other areas of your life.....I sure did.

HardLessons

I was tormented by the numerous questions of why for the longest time.

I found answers to most of those questions here on SR (thank you!).

Today I no longer have any why questions.