Westexy

Great question - You'll want to speak with someone experienced in family law - not a friend or colleague who happens to be an attorney. For the first conversation, they'll probably lead it, offering you lots of options and advice. The kind of information I'd be looking for would relate to protecting my children and protecting our assets. I'd also want to get information about what to document and how so that it's useful in family court proceedings. It may not come to that, but better to think about it ahead of time.

As someone else said above - document, document, document. Depending on where you live, you may need a lot of evidence. Dates, exactly what occurred, how much did she drink, what drugs did she take, what did she say and do. Take time stamped photos of her, of the empties, of her medicine bottles, of the locations where you found them. I know it may sound intrusive and unloving but in these circumstances with children involved, I believe it's a necessity. You should also take an hour or so now to document everything that you aware of that happened in the past.

I'm very hopeful for you and your family. Best of luck and be sure to take care of yourself while you're going through this.

CapnToast

Some details (not to justify or excuse). She does seem to be a binge drinker with some week long or longer periods of seemingly complete sobriety. We can take a vacation where I'm around her all the time and she seems completely normal (2 weeks over the summer). Not naive about it - I know there are ways. Just that when she drinks it isn't subtle - she can't stop. And while she's quite a pleasant drunk actually, there is no mistaking it for anything else. So when she seems completely sober I think she really is. My hope is that we're catching this before full blown alcoholism. I have my doubts too. And I'm willing to do what it takes to protect finances and kids. Really appreciate all the advice and the clarification on why a conversation with an attorney is prudent. That does seem like a logical and needed step here.

Hawkeye13

I could go weeks or months between drinks Capn--also managed a stressful job (I'm the main breadwinner in my family), caregiving my alcoholic mother, and to outward appearances to others, was perfectly "normal".

Don't fall into believing the stereotype that all "real" alcoholics drink daily and live under bridges. Not at all the case. Many are binge drinkers just like your wife.

Westexy

Capn - My husband was a binge drinker similar to your wife---until he wasn't. A death in his family seemed to trigger something and then it was a fast and furious plummet into daily drinking and and emotional abuse for five years. Even during those years he could pull it together for days, sometimes weeks, at a time, and so I rationalized that it wasn't as bad as it was. I am hopeful for your family since your wife is willing to address her problems now. However, you don't know what the future holds, especially when it comes to addiction. Better to prepare for the worst, and if your wife does recover, she will very possibly appreciate how you put the interests of the children first.

maia1234

Capn,
"My hope is that we're catching this before full blown alcoholism."

What is your definition of full blown alcoholism? Our definition on SR is, if alcohol causes a problem in your life. Is alcohol causing a problem in your life? There is a lot of different stages of alcoholism. She is in one stage, which will progress on to the next. I know that you don't want to have her have the "full blown" label, but it sounds pretty full blown to me.

Take care of you and your kids, that's being the best Dad you can be. Your kids are so worthy of a healthy and stable Dad, not a crazy, exhausted, frustrated Dad, as they can't count on Mom.

You can do this!! Keep reading and doing your homework.

hopeful4

Yes, this for me as well. Even the same trigger, a death in the family. So many times I thought he had hit his "Rock Bottom," little did I know, no such thing exists.

CapnToast

I respect and honor the experiences of those who've seen more and worked through more than I have.

Yes, alcohol has caused problems. I do believe there are depression or mild bi-polar issues underlying her behavior. She asked her GP for a referral to a specialist who can explore that avenue more. A positive step if she follows through. Lost a very dear friend who was self-medicating his bi-polar with alcohol so I have some insight and a lively respect for how dangerous this whole thing can be.

Thanks all for the responses and for sharing your experience. Knowing more about protecting myself and kids, about what can happen, about what to trust and what not to is invaluable.

Ladybird579

So when she seems completely sober I think she really is.

I wouldn't bet on it. I used to think I could tell when my exah was sober..or at least not drunk. I was convinced he drank 5- 6 weak beers a night...nothing else. The reality was very different. He fooled me. It was only when his medical issues caused from drinking didn't add up to the amount he stated he drank I realised he was lying. I was faced with a very ill alcoholic I'd thought was a moderate drinker. He admitted once we divorced he drank way more then I ever knew and drank most of the day and was addicted to spirits and hard core liquer. Up to that point I'd never even seen an empty spirit bottle except one Christmas he claimed was just a Christmas drink.

Westexy

Capn - If you ever want to talk alcohol and mental illness - specifically bipolar, let me know. That unfortunately, is in my realm of experience as well and boy it can make things HARD. But I'm encouraged to hear that your wife is open to working on her problem from every angle.

velma929

" I also took out an umbrella insurance policy to cover our personal "wealth" from being attached to a lawsuit I did this in case my AH killed someone while driving. I had my first meeting with my lawyer on my 21st wedding anniversary I know how difficult it can be. "

My dad killed another motorist in a DUI incident, and went to prison at the age of 76. The civil suit that followed the criminal trial resulted in my parents losing half their life savings. the victim's family asked for a whole lot more than they got. Additionally, you will have a very hard time finding lawyer to take on your case when you are being sued for tons of money (because you won't be able to pay him in the end). Mom and Dad never found one, and had to bumble through without.

It may have already been pointed out: if your wife drank that much and consumed that many pills and didn't die, it would hint that she's been doing this for a while and her tolerance for drugs has been built up to an alarming level.

Maudcat

When my alcohol addicted sib was driving, I lived in fear that he would hurt someone.
He didn’t t have any assets,but my mom sure did, and I was always worried that she would lose everything.
They were both clueless or in denial about this aspect of his drinking.
He claimed the local police officers were “looking out for him.”
Which I doubt.
And she was like, “Can someone really do that?”
Meaning sue you for every dime you have.
The situation was resolved when the piece of crap car he drove—my mother’s car, btw—finally gave it up and they had it hauled away.
Big sigh of relief from me when that occurred.

hopeful4

Personal Umbrella policies are sold in the millions of dollars. Many times they hold an exclusion that the incident is excluded if you are doing any criminal activity (drunk driving). Just something to check out since you see this as a cushion for her possible drinking and driving.

CapnToast

I obviously wasn't clear. She was not mixing opiates (Vicodin) with alcohol...she'd run out the month previous. Obvious that she was taking them recreationally in addition to treating migraines which she's had since she was a teenager (that part is legit). It was still a crap-ton of alcohol.

She got a referral for counseling today from her GP - a personal friend. Hard conversation and pretty brave. She's owned up to everything (not a forensic accounting) but I understand better what's been going on. She's not fighting me on anything. In fact - she's been very careful not to initiate anything that could be construed as manipulative. No head games. No projection. No blame. No rationalizing.

dandylion

Capn Toast......No AA? What kind of counselor?

CapnToast

Behavioral health - specializing in addiction. Referral from my employee assistance program. Have all the emails from the referral folks - legit.

hopeful4

That is a good step.

CentralOhioDad

I also keep a log/journal of times she blacked out, times I found her passed out on the toilet (I took pics too), pics of her passed out on the kitchen floor, daily documentation of things she said/did that prove she can't be a responsible parent, etc.

That's what my lawyer said to do. I've been doing it for 5 years now.

CapnToast

OhioDad...that is rough stuff. I don't know how you do that for 5 years but appreciate your patience. Hang in there man.

CentralOhioDad

It also helps me in those times when I think, "it's not so bad" - I re-read the journal and it reminds me of all the sh*t I've gone thru. Yes, the main goal is to establish sole custody of DS in the end, but it's also personally grounding.