Accused of not being there in crisis...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 6
Accused of not being there in crisis...
I'd like to hear from others who have experienced this or something like it. If you're a recoverer who viewed their ex or significant other the same way as I'm describing, I'd really appreciate your insight. I'm at a complete loss on this one.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic who went sober for 4 months and just had his first relapse. One of the biggest issues that comes up every time he goes on a bender is that, when he's coming out of being drunk and is going through detox, he accuses me of not being there for him in his time of crisis. I didn't really know what was going on for the first few benders, so I was there for him through the entire thing. I even arranged to work from home so I could be close. I listened to his emotional abuse, knowing it for what it was (I'm a child of emotionally abusive parents), and I brought him all the food and hydrating liquids that he needed. Eventually the abuse became too much and I started staying away completely when I could see he was on a bender, but always continued bringing him supplies. He's detoxing from his relapse now and when I check on him, the old aggression and accusations about me not being there for him are all that surface. They are incredibly painful and it feels like he's trying to push his guilt onto me. I know that once he's back to himself--the man I love--that he'll be reasonable again and see that's not the case, but after so many times of this issue resurfacing, I'm starting to wonder if he truly believes this. I truly believe that I AM there for him in the safest and sanest way that I can be.
How can I communicate this to him outside of listing all of the things that I've done for him? That will only make his guilt worse and entice him to lash out again. Have you had any successes with keeping a safe and sane distance while still supporting recovery? Thank you so much for sharing...it all helps.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic who went sober for 4 months and just had his first relapse. One of the biggest issues that comes up every time he goes on a bender is that, when he's coming out of being drunk and is going through detox, he accuses me of not being there for him in his time of crisis. I didn't really know what was going on for the first few benders, so I was there for him through the entire thing. I even arranged to work from home so I could be close. I listened to his emotional abuse, knowing it for what it was (I'm a child of emotionally abusive parents), and I brought him all the food and hydrating liquids that he needed. Eventually the abuse became too much and I started staying away completely when I could see he was on a bender, but always continued bringing him supplies. He's detoxing from his relapse now and when I check on him, the old aggression and accusations about me not being there for him are all that surface. They are incredibly painful and it feels like he's trying to push his guilt onto me. I know that once he's back to himself--the man I love--that he'll be reasonable again and see that's not the case, but after so many times of this issue resurfacing, I'm starting to wonder if he truly believes this. I truly believe that I AM there for him in the safest and sanest way that I can be.
How can I communicate this to him outside of listing all of the things that I've done for him? That will only make his guilt worse and entice him to lash out again. Have you had any successes with keeping a safe and sane distance while still supporting recovery? Thank you so much for sharing...it all helps.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Unsure.
Welcome.
As a child of abusive parents, you probably already know the answer to your question.
There is nothing you can say or do to your SO that will change his perception that you are not there for him.
Could be the pattern of your relationship: he blames. You accept.
I don’t know you, so can’t speak to it.
Could be, he’s detoxing and out of his head., and just wants to spread the pain around.
I guess my question is, what is this relationship giving you.?
Cuz it sure doesn’t sound like fun right now.
Good thoughts.
Welcome.
As a child of abusive parents, you probably already know the answer to your question.
There is nothing you can say or do to your SO that will change his perception that you are not there for him.
Could be the pattern of your relationship: he blames. You accept.
I don’t know you, so can’t speak to it.
Could be, he’s detoxing and out of his head., and just wants to spread the pain around.
I guess my question is, what is this relationship giving you.?
Cuz it sure doesn’t sound like fun right now.
Good thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 6
Well, I feel like I'm in a relationship with two different men--my boyfriend, who gives me so much of everything I've always wanted in a relationship, and the bender guy, who unpredictably will let his insecurities lead his decisions and his interactions with me. I know he needs counseling, and we are working on finding that, but I'd really like to find ways of shutting down his abuse without inciting his abandonment issues (I think these are why he accuses me of not being there for him and says he's always there for me). Any insight helps! Thank you!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Unsureand lonely.....I am giving you the link to our library of dozens and dozens of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. I hope you will read throught them....there is a lot to learn!
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)
alanon would be a big help and support to you, in your situation.
Perhaps, in your situation, it would be a good idea for you to get your own place...and, make the boundary for yourself that you will not be around a man that is drinking......What do you think?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)
alanon would be a big help and support to you, in your situation.
Perhaps, in your situation, it would be a good idea for you to get your own place...and, make the boundary for yourself that you will not be around a man that is drinking......What do you think?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Unsure.....I don't think that there is any way that you can explain it and have him be happy about it. You simply have to make what we call a "boundary" about that. After all, he can go to a medical facility for detox.....but, in any case, you are not his caretaker. It is up to him to manage his disease.
That is not your job.
You really, really, need to go to alanon and learn how to make boundaries for yourself.....otherwise, you are going to live a life of servitude to this guy....
It is up to him to get into a program of recovery...like AA...and work the 12 steps and work with his sponsor and his counselor.
He is never going to do that as long as he has you to be his nurse and mother.....
He is expecting far, far tooo much.....
That is not your job.
You really, really, need to go to alanon and learn how to make boundaries for yourself.....otherwise, you are going to live a life of servitude to this guy....
It is up to him to get into a program of recovery...like AA...and work the 12 steps and work with his sponsor and his counselor.
He is never going to do that as long as he has you to be his nurse and mother.....
He is expecting far, far tooo much.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Does anyone have any recommendations on how I can explain to him that I can't be responsible for the detox process? The reasons why? He doesn't see this point at all.
Listen, you are NOT responsible for the detox process. You're just not. Are you running a detox facility? Didn't think so. You are NOT responsible for any phase of his recovery. He is. End of story.
You tell him, "I am not responsible for the detox process or any other part of your recovery or sobriety. If you want it badly enough there are multiple resources. Find them."
Say it in your own words, maybe nicer, maybe not. I'm feeling kind of angry on your behalf as I write this so maybe that is coming through. You don't have to justify or defend yourself. You don't have to craft the perfect explanation that'll get through to him because nothing will if he is bound and determined to guilt trip you.
Treat him like the adult he is and let him work this out for himself. That's the only way it ever lasts, anyway.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hon, this is called abuse!! No one needs to be abused. I agree with the other posters, you are not licensed to practice medicine and help this man detox. He needs professionals. He could die, people do. I had a friend of a friend who tried to detox Thursday night. Went into kidney failure and he died Saturday night . This is extremely dangerous when you are dealing with very sick people. You have no idea how his body will be affected by getting off the alcohol.
You can tell him that you love him but you are not qualified to be his nurse and he should reach out to someone more knowledgeable then you. Step back and let him work his program. You might want to head to some alanon meetings and support your part in this relationship of alcoholism, before you go mentally crazy.
Hugs, you can do this.
You can tell him that you love him but you are not qualified to be his nurse and he should reach out to someone more knowledgeable then you. Step back and let him work his program. You might want to head to some alanon meetings and support your part in this relationship of alcoholism, before you go mentally crazy.
Hugs, you can do this.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Well, here’s a thought: he could, you know, STOP CREATING CRISES.
“ it feels like he's trying to push his guilt onto me.”
Yes.
You are not his mother and he is not a child. If he chooses to go on a bender and then detox...that’s his choice. There are resources available that are trained to help him that aren’t you.
There’s a ton of great information here about enabling and codependency. I hope this will help you extract yourself from this unhealthy dynamic...it really doesn’t help him and it hurts you.
“ it feels like he's trying to push his guilt onto me.”
Yes.
You are not his mother and he is not a child. If he chooses to go on a bender and then detox...that’s his choice. There are resources available that are trained to help him that aren’t you.
There’s a ton of great information here about enabling and codependency. I hope this will help you extract yourself from this unhealthy dynamic...it really doesn’t help him and it hurts you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
If you want him to hear you then communicate with your ACTIONS not your words.
Talking hasn't helped and won't help. Its just an invitation for excuses. You say this he says that and then the dance begins again.
Think about it - would we have rehabs if talking worked? Would there be forums if talking worked? Unfortunately talking isn't the answer.
SHOW him you are serious about his recovery. You not phoning from rehab I can't speak to you. You drunk on your call I block you. Whichever way you need to do it.
And don't feel his emotions for him. If he feels guilty then its his feelings to work on. If he feels abandoned then its his feeling to work on.
This is an adult - he is being treated like a child. Why are you bringing him food and changing your job around him? Do you want a partner who can't feed themselves(but they can get alcohol pretty fine!) or need a caretaker round the clock?
is it your job of all the people in his life and including himself to make him feel better and keep him from drinking alcohol? Your job is to be a girlfriend to someone who is doing their part. 100 percent on both sides. Not 100 and 0.
Talking hasn't helped and won't help. Its just an invitation for excuses. You say this he says that and then the dance begins again.
Think about it - would we have rehabs if talking worked? Would there be forums if talking worked? Unfortunately talking isn't the answer.
SHOW him you are serious about his recovery. You not phoning from rehab I can't speak to you. You drunk on your call I block you. Whichever way you need to do it.
And don't feel his emotions for him. If he feels guilty then its his feelings to work on. If he feels abandoned then its his feeling to work on.
This is an adult - he is being treated like a child. Why are you bringing him food and changing your job around him? Do you want a partner who can't feed themselves(but they can get alcohol pretty fine!) or need a caretaker round the clock?
is it your job of all the people in his life and including himself to make him feel better and keep him from drinking alcohol? Your job is to be a girlfriend to someone who is doing their part. 100 percent on both sides. Not 100 and 0.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Talking may not be the point here. I would have thought just telling him he becomes abusive would be explanation enough.
I suggest you stay well away at all stages of his binge/hangover cycle. No fluids, no checking, no feeding, and certainly no defending yourself from his quacks.
Talk about flipping the blame! He should be apologising to you for the way he behaves. 'I have no intention of supporting your drinking or hangover' sounds like a good explanation of your attitude.
I suggest you stay well away at all stages of his binge/hangover cycle. No fluids, no checking, no feeding, and certainly no defending yourself from his quacks.
Talk about flipping the blame! He should be apologising to you for the way he behaves. 'I have no intention of supporting your drinking or hangover' sounds like a good explanation of your attitude.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi unsure
I wanted to be say before what I am really thinking but I know it will not make the effect I hope for you. I also don't want to prescribe to people how to live their life but you are missing some red flags.
You need to create distance physically and emotionally from this person as much as possible. Today not tomorrow.
I know you want the opposite of this right now but listen to people that have been in your shoes not your feelings. You are confused and overwhelmed as it is.
It is not healthy for you and you are not in a place to deal with his addiction. This will not end well for you.
I wanted to be say before what I am really thinking but I know it will not make the effect I hope for you. I also don't want to prescribe to people how to live their life but you are missing some red flags.
You need to create distance physically and emotionally from this person as much as possible. Today not tomorrow.
I know you want the opposite of this right now but listen to people that have been in your shoes not your feelings. You are confused and overwhelmed as it is.
It is not healthy for you and you are not in a place to deal with his addiction. This will not end well for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yup. Same here. My XAH still tells me how I abandoned him, how I was never there for him, the list goes on and on. I was literally there for him ALWAYS. Finally I had enough and I divorced him. I think he has a little memory problem LOL.
To me, this is when you know when someone is in recovery, or not. Someone in recovery will accept blame for the issues they have caused, and stop trying to blame others all the time.
I hope you see that you deserve much more than this.
To me, this is when you know when someone is in recovery, or not. Someone in recovery will accept blame for the issues they have caused, and stop trying to blame others all the time.
I hope you see that you deserve much more than this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 6
I just want to say thank you so very much for all the supportive and constructive critiquing posts. I'm taking comfort and guidance from each of them, and I really appreciate your time reading and replying.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Addicts and countless others, such as narcissists, LOVE scapegoats...someone to blame; someone to put the blame on....instead of, (perish the thought) taking responsibility for their self and being accountable for their own actions.
It is simply put: WRONG for him to accuse you like that and try to put part of the blame on you. You are simply not responsible for his actions. And most definitely not responsible for his detox. He need to grow up or grow a pair or whatever and be accountable for himself.
It is simply put: WRONG for him to accuse you like that and try to put part of the blame on you. You are simply not responsible for his actions. And most definitely not responsible for his detox. He need to grow up or grow a pair or whatever and be accountable for himself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
How can I communicate this to him outside of listing all of the things that I've done for him?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by UnsureNLonely 
My boyfriend is an alcoholic who went sober for 4 months and just had his first relapse
this little piece is what caught my attention. im not sure what the "first" is referring to, but with reading this:
One of the biggest issues that comes up every time he goes on a bender is that, when he's coming out of being drunk and is going through detox, he accuses me of not being there for him in his time of crisis
it must be referring to something other than drinking after stopping for a while.
p.s.
on this:
How can I communicate this to him outside of listing all of the things that I've done for him?
If he was the drunk me, id suggest with some circus music playing and have no expectations of what insanity will come out of my mouth
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
