Charmane

Hi I am new to this group and am so glad I found it last night. I have read so many threads that have already been helpful for me!
I’ve been with my brand new husband for a little over 4 years. Most of which have been great. Most meaning up until the last year. We had split up for a short period last summer it was a pretty rotten situation but Got back together and it was back to being great.
A short history of us.. we have always drank together, we camp a lot, we have his kids every other weekend and every Thursday, and see my kids (which are grown and have my grandchildren) so a lot of family time, hang out with friends, pretty busy.
July 2nd 2017 we got married! Our kids and grandkids were all there for it! A small family event!
Shortly after 4 weeks actually he lost his job. So I stepped up trying to be supportive. Thinking he will find another one soon. He got very distant and quiet around me, got very nasty with his kids when they came.
Weekend #6 of our marriage we had taken his children to see his mom (a weekend we could not afford but was manipulated anyway) he barely spoke to me the whole weekend. Everyone seen it and none of us knew why. I asked what was up and he just shrugged me off. We went home Sunday night, hung out a while and I went to sleep.
Monday after work I got a call from a friend telling me that Sunday night around midnight they had seen him, he had asked he if she wanted some coke, she asked what he was doing there? He said waiting for “her to answer” a known prostitute.
I went home questioning him and he quickly admitted it all. Said he doesn’t know why he went to her that he never had before. I want to believe that but don’t.
Needless to say I lost my mind on him. He left. Went MIA for 2 weeks wouldn’t answe his phone no clue where he was. He showed up at the house for a half of a day. That didn’t go well either, The following day I had a weird feeling something wasn’t right so I called him. He was at the airport on his way to a rehab in Michigan (we live in Rochester NY) he was going with out telling me. That was all I knew “rehab in Michigan” no calls no nothing for 2 more weeks, then a woman called and told me he was at a forever recovery in detox and couldn’t call but would when he could. Another week goes by and he calls. Again sick of all the BS I went off. What the hell is going on? Who the hell are you? What are you doing? He answered none of them
The phone hung up after 9 minutes and no phone call again for a week, so I asked again, and got no answers, he stopped calling me, called everyone but me. I found out a week ago he had graduated from there and was in SCRC in California.
I called his phone, he answered, he didn’t have any answers for any of my questions but said he wanted a divorce. Now he calls yesterday saying he loves me he is sorry and doesn’t want a divorce. I love him so much and do not want a divorce either. But I’m afraid that this has gone too far. He has been gone for 3 months and says he is staying there for 3 more. I know it’s not a vacation for him. I understand that. But I’ve been abandoned with no explanations no calls no nothing. I get constant calls from his kids crying and his x wife keeping me filled in... he X wife.. I get to keep working and paying all the bills, killing myself to keep up with it all. And he is in California as of 3 am my time just leaving the movies...
I never seen this coming, I want to be supportive. I want him to be a healthy adult. I am not sure how I get past him just up and leaving and waiting 3 months to speak to me.
Sorry this is so long. I need help understand this, him and myself

FeelingGreat

Hi Charmane, sorry for the reason you're here. Your husband's behaviour must seem baffling and out of the blue, but chances are his family or ex could tell you whether it's a relapse. It's just a guess but maybe the anxiety of getting married and then losing his job? It's a lot to cope with in a short period.

Have you tried Nad-anon or Al-anon. They are for friends and family and have many tools to help you through and to gain understanding.

On a practical side, consider your situation and what you need to do for yourself, assuming your AH won't be any help in the short to medium term. Working like crazy to keep up with the bills can't go on forever. Even if you have no plans to divorce at this stage you may need to separate your finances from his and it would be wise to seek legal advice.

dandylion

Charmane...I am giving you this link to our library of dozens and dozens of excellent articles on alcoholism and addiction and the effects on the loved ones...
I hope you will take time to read them.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

You can also get emotional support from alanon meetings as well as a personal counselor for yourself....
There is no need for you to go through this alone.....

Charmane

Thank you so much. Where do I find the link? I will read them. I need some kind of help

dandylion

Charmane...I just posted them, above, in my post....lol....I think you must have posted before I could get the link posted......

AnvilheadII

the link is in dandy's post to you, about half way thru.

Charmane

Lol I didn’t see the whole post. Thank you.
I’ve never felt more alone in my life

Ladybird579

He has been gone for 3 months and says he is staying there for 3 more.

I think you have your answer. He's left you. You only got married in July and he's basically been missing ever since! He been doing coke and going with prostitutes. Sorry to be so blunt but that's the truth here. You have no idea what he is doing and where he is. He could be doing anything. I'd be taking steps to sort out my own life without him. You deserve better. I found my exah an accomplished liar. He told me all sorts of things that werent true and I believed them for years. In reality he was seeing other women and doing drugs along with his drinking when I thought he was away working.