P-O'd Because Everyone Thinks AH is **SO** Great
 

Let me describe my AH:
• High functioning
• Dresses sharply - I'm talking button down shirts and sport jackets every day. Even at home it's a sweatshirt with a collar underneath. He gets compliments everywhere.
• Well-off - drives a top-tier convertible that everyone always comments on when we're out.
• Polite, handsome, and gentlemanly - - he is a true Southerner - - holds doors open, respects elders, and yes, he's very handsome. (nevermind that he's also very vain, gets pedicures, and gets his hair highlighted more than me.
• He speaks so highly of me and my daughter

So....people that interact with him on a superficial basis think HE IS AWESOME. They love him.

• They have no idea that half the time when he's talking to them that he's drunk.
• They have no idea of all of his falling down drunk antics.
• They have no idea he drives around drunk all the time and has put me in precarious situations or that he comes home and says nasty things to me to start a fight.
• They have no idea that, while he talks so highly of me to his acquaintances (to make himself look better, mind you) he accuses me of cheating with meth heads, fast food workers, lawn men, etc. etc. etc. (Really - if I'm going to be accused of being a *****, can I NOT be one with a handsome rich man? Why just the skanks? LOL)
• They have no idea of our real financial situation - that bills are often paid late because he likes to control the money, but then he forgets to pay stuff on time. That these little football games cost over $1,000 weekend JUST for the hotel room, not to mention the tickets, booze, and food.

I am sure that from an outside perspective, I have it pretty darn good. And ya'll, I am grateful for my blessings. I just get irritated because I don't have any close friends that know the real deal. My dad does, and that's it. (And he's 70, so I worry about when he dies - I'll have no one)

I get irritated because they all fill his ego bank and they all think he's so f-ing great. Sometimes I just want to SPILL HIS TEA ALL OVER THE PLACE and burst the bubble.

I guess sometimes I just want to have a good vent. Thanks for letting me have one.

All that glitters isn't gold.

Someone with enough inside doesn't need a lot of outside. He spends a lot of energy on his outside. very telling.

Oh boy.....

(((((Hugs))))) to ya'. How I can relate.

Your AH sounds so much like my XAH.

He was the nicest man on our block, in our church, etc., etc. Always helping family members and the community while our own family and home was neglected AND abused.

IF ONLY "they knew". If they knew what was going on inside our home.

I lost many friends (wives of our "couple friends"), and church friends when I finally left my AH.

Even some of my family members were surprised. My mom knew a little.

(Sadly, this is a disease perpetuated by Keeping Secrets.)

Except our kids knew. Not all, but they knew a lot and saw enough to be damaged. And I still occasionally beat myself up for staying so long. (But now, I let those moments go VERY quickly).

Hang in there. Know that some day the truth or at least part of the truth shall be revealed. (It was, IME).

It's OK to vent here!!!

(And perhaps to a trusted real life person, when you find one. Al-Anon possibly? Or therapist?)

:grouphug:

wanna know something that will really bugger ya up?
while here ya are with AH living rent free in your head, it aint bothering him one bit.

evict him from your head.

then look at WHY youre bothered by it and resenting it all.

My ex was a golden boy as well - handsome, charming, one of those feminist new age men that claim to genuinely like women and be really involved as a dad. He would remind me that he was better looking and more of a "catch" than me - I was lucky that someone like him would put up with someone like me, because I was awful in unspecified ways. He was also paranoid, mentally unstable, manipulative and drinking as much as he could get down his throat.

The shiny veneer doesn't last. It really does seem that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and unless the alcoholic stops drinking everything will fall apart, either slowly or quickly. Ex is pretty much a train wreck now, and it's visible to anyone who talks to him for more than 10 or 15 minutes.

Your AH's time will come.

My RAH was/is the same way. Even close people who have seen him belligerent and aggressive still say he's such a great guy and I'm just exaggerating because I'm bored! It hurts to say the least, and it also p*sses me off because everyone discredits what I say and it feels like they choose his word over mine, all the time! They don't live under our roof and he has painted a different picture for them all to see I guess. This is one of the many unfair things about being married to an A. They are master manipulators. Why do the spouse and kids always get the worst of their behavior, we are the ones that love them the most and do the most for them! I will never understand.

I can totally relate.. My AH shirts were so starched they could stand up by themselves. (and he would yell at me if I failed in my duties to starch them heavily enough.)

He had a Porsche convertible when he picked me up for our first dates.. but it would break down regularly, and he'd have to get under the car to fix it in his expensive clothes.

The finances.. oh, boy. He was ALWAYS the big shot--buying the rounds, buying the dinners--but every credit card was aways on the verge of being declined. Our house went into foreclosure, and we wound up with no credit at all.

He has a great sense of humor and always came off a little Gatsby-esque. Cool, rich. But it was such a sham and a house of cards, and it came down. Now he does nothing but watch TV and drink. He lost his business 10 years ago because of the drinking. His starched shirts have been replaced with old polo shirts with holes and stains from when the food doesn't quite make it to his mouth. The money... there is none. I pay the mortgage and basic bills, but we are in our 60s and have no savings. His friends? He has none. Some are dead. He doesn't have the energy to nurture the others. His bar life, filled with jokes and friends and big tabs has been replaced with buying bottles of cheap vodka and drinking alone in his office.

So, everything that goes around comes around. You can't live a lie forever.

My mother used to tell me "Watch out of for the guy with the clean shirt and dirty undershirt." It was her way of saying exactly what kodi said: All the glitter is NOT gold.

It's maddening, but try not to let it get to you. Every dog has his day.

My sister had my extended family, her friends and even me once wrapped around her little finger. She was always the more popular and vivacious one, and when her marriage collapsed I even took her side even though she was the one who had the affair.

But slowly but surely the veneer began to disintegrate and the more dysfunctional she became the more people began to step away from her. There are moments where I actually feel sorry for her. To be on the constant lookout for ego kibbles because you don't know how to respect and love yourself is a pretty sorry place to be.

Then I remind myself that she prefers pity over introspection. Then the anger comes back, and I'm back to all shields up.

But to articulate all that just makes me sound like a vindictive bitch. Time is a better messenger than I could ever be.

And although the anger can protect me, I don't want to spend all day looking at it when I've got better things to do. Who wants to spend their lives just staring at a wall?

Oh how this sounds like my XAH. French cuffs and all. Remember that these days, people are more aware of the psychology behind lots of things, the charmers, the fakers, and the quick-witted gents with money. People may smile at him, but they smell the alcohol on his breath, catch him in those moments when he shut "off" for a sec only to turn around to be the charmer again. They notice that he always has a drink. They are aware that nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors and that the more "life" someone has, the more fake their presentation of themselves. But, that is no consolation for you, I'm sure. Just know that more people are aware of the crap he puts out than you might think.

House devil, street Angel.

Just chiming in to say me too. My AH is the charmer as well, but the veneer has been slipping a fair bit the last 5 years or so. People who know us both well see through him, and after I filed for divorce a few weeks ago, I'm getting a lot of "what took you so long?" If only I had any idea they felt this way before I filed it would have made it sooo much easier, knowing I had all that support. But I get why people can't take that risk with your friendship when they don't know how you feel first.

All our acquaintances think he is an awesome guy and are trying to figure out what's wrong with me that I would leave him. He is also telling everyone about how I've left him and he's heartbroken and had no idea anything was wrong (yeah, right buddy. Just like with your first wife. Try doing some math).

So when people ask me why, I try to deflect. If they are pushy then F-it, I just tell em. Maybe it's vindictive of me but at this point I don't really care.

Oh man can I relate. Married to golden boy for 21 years. Everyone telling me how great they think he is. Listened to my parents thank him for taking such good care of me after my surgery (he left me in a hotel room to go drinking then came home and passed out, it was very invasive cancer surgery should not have been left alone). I don't know about you guys but my AH always performed for an audience but when just us a total narcissist. A lot of people actually think I am crazy for kicking him out because all they see is the act.

Am wondering why you stay? You'd be happier on your own.

I'm reminded of that saying.............

We are only as sick as our secrets. You are keeping his secret and resentment is building. Why is your dad the only one to know the truth? Do have other family and friends you could open up to but don't? And if so, what is that don't all about?

LPS,
You dont know how validated i feel reading your post! My xah is beloved by everyone! His place of work even had a special day in his honor. This is a man who threw a big big roach (the kind that hover and fly) on me and our daughter among other frightening things. Oh my goodness, people would tell me how wonderful he was- Even people who didnt know him! No one and i mean no one knows how he really is. Sure they know he drinks too much but they havent a clue about the things hes done or said. Even my daughter and her husband, who strongly encouraged me to leave, dont think of him as an a hole anymore.

So True
 

^^

I have told my AH this so many times. Thank you for being so frank!

My husband is everyone's favorite as well. And if and when I decide to leave him people will be shocked. We are the "golden" couple. On the outside anyway.

This is so true. I struggled with this A LOT in the beginning and by the time everyone else started to see the truth & make comments to me (I wouldn't go so far as to call them all apologies, lol), I found that I no longer cared for their validation or needed it in any way. I hadn't waited around - I kept growing in my own recovery.

It had taken me what felt like forever but I also realized at some point that it wasn't anyone else's job to be outraged on my behalf - they all had different relationships with him & it wasn't really fair of me to expect any different from most of them. They weren't his wife. On the flip - I've encountered a good number of people that I can tell have an obvious problem, but it's not my business & it doesn't impact my life. Who am I to lay judgement on ANYONE when I should really be paying more attention to whatever's on my side of the street, you know? Just my opinion, obviously.

They show their true colors eventually. I encourage you to have friends outside of your relationship that are just yours, that you can vent to and tell the truth to. Addiction is so very isolating, you need support.

We are here for you!