Timetoheal12

Since I've been going to therapy, I've been constantly wondering about this lately.

I'm only 23 years old. My father is an alcoholic, and all of my boyfriends have been too, or they have been pretty heavy drinkers at the very least (I've had 3 boyfriends).

I'm scared about not being able to be attracted to emotionally healthy guys. I decided I will take some time off relationships and dating. I'm seriously worried about my choices in men so far, and I wish to, someday, be able to be with someone who is capable of real, healthy love.

In my home there was a pattern in where I was (unconsciously) taking the blame for my parents poor relationship. My last boyfriend always blamed me for everything that was wrong in our relationship. So, there's that. I'm used to being blamed for stuff that isn't my fault. I also have a somewhat low self esteem. There have been times when I have gotten interested in strong, independent men who are not alcoholics but I kinda feel like they would never notice me. So I have to work on my self esteem a lot.

It's growing a bit since I've been living on my own, but I feel like I still have a long way to go.

I know this is kind of a "vent", but, what's your experience with this?
Is it possible to fall in love with a "normie" while being an ACOA, a codie or something along those lines?

I don't think I'm totally codependent as there were boundaries I never let my latest boyfriend cross, (hence why the relationship came to an end). I do, however, have that tendency of feeling responsible for other's mistakes.

I'm just scared about the attraction I seem to have towards men who aren't good news.
I want to be attracted to someone who is good news...

Nola0250

Wow we could be sisters - except for the fact that I’m old enough to be your mom! I wish I had the kind of insight that you’re showing 24 years ago when I was your age. You are asking all the right questions and I am sure that you can learn to make good choices and want things that are good for you.

Mango blast

I used to wonder if I'd ever get used to be around healthy people. I loved being around alcoholics and the fun chaos of our families. It was familiar and comfortable.

Now I gravitate to connections with healthy people and much more easily avoid chaos.

Healing is possible. It's a journey. It gets better, and better, and better.

Maudcat

Hi, TTH.
I think relationships can be hard going, whether alcohol is involved or not.
I will agree that the self esteem issue is a big one. When we are not confident in our abilities, that is when we tend to settle for less than.
I wish we could get self-esteem injections, but...not possible.
So..celebrate the wins, however small they may seem.
I am long past my twenties, but I remember that time as pretty shaky.
I was far more interested in whether a man liked me, instead of thinking about whether I liked him.
That led me down a fair amount of dark paths.
Fortunately, time brings wisdom, or, at least, enlightenment.
Good thoughts.

Girl1101

Good questions, I am a couple years older than you, 1 relationship so far.

Last bf was an alcoholic. I didn't even realize alcohol played a big factor in the break up. He blamed everything on me. I was devastated. As soon as I recovered from that. I almost began dating another addict, this time a pothead who probably was doing opiates. That relationship never happened.

I too am wondering if I will ever be attracted to someone who's not an addict. But right now I'm working on myself, since I'm seeing a pattern. I'm educating myself on addiction behaviors and stuff, codependency, recognizing what gaslighting is, etc. I never ever want to be near that situation again. I don't even drink or smoke, so I don't understand. Do opposites really attract? lol jk but yeah I have no idea. Something about the "bad boys" -___-

i need to grow up

FeelingGreat

Hi I think the outlook is hopeful for those who do the work to change themselves. You're self-aware at an age when you're flexible enough to change.

My DIL grew up in a home with domestic violence and drug use, and her lifestyle and choice of partners reflected that in her early 20s. When she met my son, who has many faults but is a 'normie' and never violent, she dug her claws in (as I tell her jokingly) and didn't let go. They have a very happy marriage despite their character differences. Not surprisingly, her mother hates him because he has taken away a lot of control she has over her daughter.

So it definitely is possible to break the pattern. It might help to meet people in circles that are away from the party/bars scene, like special interest clubs. Even if you don't meet a future partner you will probably make friends from all walks of life and be exposed to healthy marriages and families.

Ladybird579

Is it possible to fall in love with a "normie" while being an ACOA, a codie or something along those lines?

I'd say yes with provisos lol. In my case I hit a pattern of abusive alcoholic relationships which I realised was from my childhood experiences of abuse and my own parent's very dysfunctional relationship. I got addicted to drama. Normal seemed boring. I met a man 2 years ago who is also a drama queen but he is out of my life now. However not long after my split with exah I met a farmer. I've been friends with him 3 years and I love him to bits . He's a rock solid, non drinking, hard working man of the land and gorgeous looking to boot lol. I know we'd be happy together but I can't make the leap from single to being with him. I feel like am still too broken and I'd stuff it up. That why I say with provisos cos you have to be ready even after you've done all the work on yourself and finally met someone decent.

kodi

Hi

My answer to you is yes. It will take time and effort to change however so not a quick outcome. Can take years for some and this is perfectly normal if you are working diligently on yourself.

Reality though and perhaps adding to despair is that many you may come in contact with like yourself struggle with the emotions and thinking that attracted them to and kept them with addict.

Its very hard for us to be and do the opposite of what comes naturally. What we learnt from childhood. We are uncomfortable in how we feel without the addict and uncomfortable with how we feel when the addict hurts us. We run to the pain and hurt because the pain and hurt is better with the addict than without them.

If I look at your name, the therapy, insight and question I think you already making good strides. Keep it up.

TropicalWinter

I'm so happy you came back here and that you made it out of your parents' house! That is HUGE!

I agree that it would be a good idea to take a break from relationships for a while to work on yourself. GOD I wish I'd had that opportunity when I was your age!!! It would have saved me years of heartache.

You are so young and full of potential. Take your time. Work on your issues. Build your self esteem and sense of self worth. It will be very much worth it.

I'd love to hear more about how you're doing and how you broke free!

ladyscribbler

Hi TTH,

My story is very similar to yours, except that it happened 15-20 years ago. I was incredibly concerned with finding a partner who wasn't like my dad, but I always seemed to end up with some version of him, or worse.

I didn't know what a normie was back then (you're way ahead of me there), and I always wondered why I couldn't ever have a good relationship.

The big mistake I made was focusing too much attention on seeking out romantic relationships, when I should have been focused on healing myself first. At the time though, I really didn't understand that I needed healing.

Al Anon meetings and individual counseling have helped me a lot. So has SR. Keeping a journal lets me know if I'm doing enough self-care and keeps me in touch with my feelings. It's been a process, and will continue. But it has been absolutely worth it.

Also- yes, it is definitely possible to have a healthy relationship as an ACoA. My gentleman friend of over a year is a normie, and very kind and hardworking.

However, I took 3 years away from dating after my last alcoholic relationship and used the time and energy I was saving to do a lot of intensive work on my recovery. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself for awhile after years of being a caretaker for others.

Timetoheal12

Thanks everyone for your awesome replies!

Last night, before falling asleep, I was thinking about how I have indeed been attracted towards good men/normies... So it's definitely not impossible for me. However, it is true that I always feel less-than for those types of men.

I was also thinking that, right now, taking that time off from dating and relationships will probably be the best choice. I need to do a lot of healing and my self esteem needs to improve. If I get better, I will be happy to be me and I will be able to love myself fully. And that's really all I need.

If/when I'm "healed" someone who's worth it comes into my life, then, great! And if not... I guess it won't matter that much because I'll be busy being happy in my own life.

dandylion

Timetoheal....I think it would be important for you to work closely with a therapist to get to the root of your feelings of feeling "less than"......
I am guessing that it has it's roots, somewhere in your early years where you received this erroneous message, and you have internalized it.....

I am sending you a PM (private message)

LovePeaceSushi

Time to Heal,

The good news is that you are young and you are still figuring out who you are and what you want. I am a child of an alcoholic, too. Here is my advice and you can take it with a grain of salt:

I would take a break from guys. (They aren't even men yet - TRUST ME) The last thing you want is to get into another dysfunctional relationship right now. Have you ever gone to Al Anon? I am so shy and a complete introvert, but I have found my meetings to be something that I actually look forward to leaving the house for.

Work on you for the next 6 mos. - year. This is the time for you to get really comfortable with yourself and what YOU want in a relationship. That way, you can set hard boundaries and have a clear bar of expectation of what you expect out of your next relationship.

It is SO EASY to fill ourselves (emotionally) with other people because it diverts our attention from ourselves - - a topic that many of us would rather avoid sometimes. Find out what your emotional weaknesses are and then work on them.

The goal of this is to come out with a stronger sense of self and what is okay with you....then, with your next relationship you will be able to give your best and you will have a better understanding of what it is that you want in a relationship.

LifeRecovery

Time-

Something that helped me to have hope with this was just a recent realization.

My perspective use to be I must have done something "Wrong," that I picked those relationships in the first place.

My perspective now is I needed to have those relationships to wake me up and realize how important my own healing had to be so I could have good and healthy relationships. So I could develop my intuition and trust myself about what was good and right for me (even when it is hard).

I am not saying that my choice in relationships was not telling....it was.

It is my choice though to learn from those challenging experiences and change. Not everyone chooses to change or provide care for themselves. When you know better you do better.

To me the fact that you are even asking what you are is a huge step in the right direction.

Finally I have found in my recovery that it was not just intimate relationships that I was making poor choices around. I have found that I have had to let go of a number of friend relationship, work relationships etc.....that was also not a wrong, but I am much happier now.

NYCDoglvr

Wonderful post, one I certainly relate to. What Alanon taught me was my part in a disastrous relationship with another recovering alcoholic: I picked him! And, at the heart of the problem was low self-esteem, believing I didn't deserve a terrific person. I had to change my approach to dating: instead of talking, trying to impress the guy, I learned to listen and pay attention to red flags. To see that it was important what I thought, not weather the guy liked me or not. It required complete honesty with my Alanon sponsor and therapist and I did start to become interested in healthy men. I learned to run if there were any signs of addiction (including avoiding recovering alcoholics).

You're on the right path, healing yourself and being honest.

Timetoheal12

There are not any Alanon groups in my area. There's one an hour away, so I'll check that one out and I'll make sure to stay in therapy.
I want to be the best version of me I can be and relationships right now wouldn't help at all. Thanks a lot for the advice

Timetoheal12

I guess that what's weird with me is that I have no trouble respecting my boundaries when it comes to friendships and work relations. The ones that are in my friend circle are truly respectful and loyal people...
But my romantic partners have been either alcoholic, emotionally abusive or both. I get too caught up in the first impression (wich with this type of men is always a good one) and when bad things start to happen I blame it on myself. It does not help that some of them have blamed me, too.

I need to trust my gut more, and to get rid of that "guilt".
Thank you for sharing your experience with me

Timetoheal12

Thank you, this makes me believe that there's hope for me

honeypig

I am not dating at this point and to be honest, am in no rush to do so, so I can't share my direct experience w/how recovery changed things for me regarding dating. However, I can surely share what things have been like prior to this, and that last sentence of NYC's is exactly what it was like for me, too!

I think back on how hard I worked to impress various guys, how I tried to catch their attention. Just recently it occurred to me that in virtually every situation, when I would first meet this person, the early days would be Party Central, anything to convince the Man of the Hour that I was special, different, more wild and crazy than anyone else, willing to do things that other girls wouldn't...It was all about what I could make him believe about me and not what I thought about him beyond the fact of the initial attraction.

There was no sense of checking things out, finding out who he was and if that was who I wanted. Is he honest, reliable, caring, understanding, curious, interested in life? Never asked those questions. Nope, just full speed ahead and how soon do we move in together? Pretty much my only criteria for starting a relationship were that he had a heartbeat and that he was interested in me. That was good enough.

Except that it wasn't good enough, and time after time, things crashed and burned like you'd expect they would under those circumstances.

As I said, I am not dating now and have no eye to it anytime soon, but looking at how recovery is changing my other relationships w/friends, co-workers and family, I have to imagine/hope that similar changes would also occur in romantic relationships.

Seren

I think you have an excellent chance of having a truly wonderful relationship in your future! Why?

You have a self-awareness that certainly I did not have at your age--and that is definitely working in your favor.

I think taking your time, learning more about yourself and what is most important to you, will go a long way toward your future happiness in a relationship