It's go time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Just a simple example:
The kids wanted to share a hilarious song they discovered (Weird Al Yankovich lol...culturing my children on one of the greats
to their dad....so we played it one evening this weekend for him...they were giggling and laughing at it and I was cracking up....he was visibly agitated and did not crack a smile...I could see anger building in his eyes...I knew he was annoyed and ...maybe jealous of the fact he was last in on "the joke"? Does that make sense? It completely stifled out the moment to be honest...we moved the music party up to toothbrush time but goodness. We are greater than this!!!
The kids wanted to share a hilarious song they discovered (Weird Al Yankovich lol...culturing my children on one of the greats
to their dad....so we played it one evening this weekend for him...they were giggling and laughing at it and I was cracking up....he was visibly agitated and did not crack a smile...I could see anger building in his eyes...I knew he was annoyed and ...maybe jealous of the fact he was last in on "the joke"? Does that make sense? It completely stifled out the moment to be honest...we moved the music party up to toothbrush time but goodness. We are greater than this!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, yes, yes!!! One of my biggest resentments is feeling like addiction has caused my children to grow up too quickly, and that I did not enjoy their childhood like I should have. It still makes me mad, and sad. HOWEVER, I have changed all of that now, and I very much enjoy them and the time we spend together. I spent wayyy to many years focused on my XAH, his problems, his addiction, and focusing my energy on trying to motivate him to be well, which never happened.
Originally Posted by thousandwords53 
Soon after posting this last night.... I was subtly reminded of the life we will continue to live if I stay. I had time to reflect back on the weekend and I realized even when it's good...it's really not that awesome. Cliche and have heard that before but it really is true...
Even when obvious abuse is absent, I still feel a pull between my children and my husband. He does not understand my maternal needs to enjoy our children, without a timer, because they will only be little for so long. Selfish and self centered. Not a partner through this season of our life- child rearing.
Bed time routines are rushed in my mind because I know he is waiting, impatiently, in his recliner down stairs while I bathe, and read to and tuck in the children. He's downstairs waiting for "our night to start" ...expects all in bed eyes closed so he can clock out on life..a life he does not fully participate in...he does not emotionally relate to the importance of what I am doing. He does not step in and help by my side so it is completed in half the time with two parents showing this love. I provide a consistent routine solo...
It all starts again when we wake up and they knock on the door...he hates it...I think, where else are they to go when they wake up? To their parents of course...sometimes I love to co-sleep when needed, he does not. This is just a small part of the reality.
I realize that I am so numb to how bad it is...I don't even know the magnitude...I am dreaming of our own home ...with their art displayed everywhere and a happy dinner time laughing and bed times that may vary by a few minutes and I only will have to answer to myself.
the dirty work of filing and breaking the news will be terrible but I know it has to happen. Thank you for being here to vent these thoughts as they unfold.
Even when obvious abuse is absent, I still feel a pull between my children and my husband. He does not understand my maternal needs to enjoy our children, without a timer, because they will only be little for so long. Selfish and self centered. Not a partner through this season of our life- child rearing.
Bed time routines are rushed in my mind because I know he is waiting, impatiently, in his recliner down stairs while I bathe, and read to and tuck in the children. He's downstairs waiting for "our night to start" ...expects all in bed eyes closed so he can clock out on life..a life he does not fully participate in...he does not emotionally relate to the importance of what I am doing. He does not step in and help by my side so it is completed in half the time with two parents showing this love. I provide a consistent routine solo...
It all starts again when we wake up and they knock on the door...he hates it...I think, where else are they to go when they wake up? To their parents of course...sometimes I love to co-sleep when needed, he does not. This is just a small part of the reality.
I realize that I am so numb to how bad it is...I don't even know the magnitude...I am dreaming of our own home ...with their art displayed everywhere and a happy dinner time laughing and bed times that may vary by a few minutes and I only will have to answer to myself.
the dirty work of filing and breaking the news will be terrible but I know it has to happen. Thank you for being here to vent these thoughts as they unfold.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hearthealth and th ousandwords....what you two are describing is what I, personally, refer to is "soul-sucking ways".......
I remember, personally, meeting a very renowned family therapist...Virginia Satir...and, she describes something that she can observe, by just walking into a home...something that is, actually, unseen by the eyes...but, is absolutely palpable.....and that is the general atmosphere of the home.....
It can "feel" light and easy and comfortable, and free of fear....or, it can be dark and dreary and tense and reek of fear.....
Adults can feel it...children, most certainly feel it, and, even pets can feel it....That atmosphere can actually seep into the soul of those who live in it....
I remember, personally, meeting a very renowned family therapist...Virginia Satir...and, she describes something that she can observe, by just walking into a home...something that is, actually, unseen by the eyes...but, is absolutely palpable.....and that is the general atmosphere of the home.....
It can "feel" light and easy and comfortable, and free of fear....or, it can be dark and dreary and tense and reek of fear.....
Adults can feel it...children, most certainly feel it, and, even pets can feel it....That atmosphere can actually seep into the soul of those who live in it....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion
hearthealth and th ousandwords....what you two are describing is what I, personally, refer to is "soul-sucking ways".......
I remember, personally, meeting a very renowned family therapist...Virginia Satir...and, she describes something that she can observe, by just walking into a home...something that is, actually, unseen by the eyes...but, is absolutely palpable.....and that is the general atmosphere of the home.....
It can "feel" light and easy and comfortable, and free of fear....or, it can be dark and dreary and tense and reek of fear.....
Adults can feel it...children, most certainly feel it, and, even pets can feel it....That atmosphere can actually seep into the soul of those who live in it....
I remember, personally, meeting a very renowned family therapist...Virginia Satir...and, she describes something that she can observe, by just walking into a home...something that is, actually, unseen by the eyes...but, is absolutely palpable.....and that is the general atmosphere of the home.....
It can "feel" light and easy and comfortable, and free of fear....or, it can be dark and dreary and tense and reek of fear.....
Adults can feel it...children, most certainly feel it, and, even pets can feel it....That atmosphere can actually seep into the soul of those who live in it....
As far as the attorney: My papers will be ready by end of this week, just waiting to file on my word.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords...remember the discussion about working out the details so that all systems are in place ...so, that when the time comes (lol...when you get angry, again)....that you can exit rapidly? He may blow a gasket...but, it will, at least, be in the distance, without you right in the middle of it......
(I think it is a good idea to have friends to come and be with you when the geyser erupts (if it actually does)....even if you have to pay someone to do so.
(I think it is a good idea to have friends to come and be with you when the geyser erupts (if it actually does)....even if you have to pay someone to do so.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Yes, I am arranging a place for us to stay for a hard landing once this blows and will be getting the keys this weekend to be able to have our long term transition spot ready for us. I will be squirreling over our important documents, clothing and keepsakes (things he won't notice) so they are tucked away in case all my belongings end up on the lawn. I realize this could happen any day and I am making myself busy on at least one task daily. I do not want this, yet I do. I am moving things along and not letting me say Im getting ready and dropping any balls. I have been in this same stuck spot 3 years consecutively and will NOT go for another go around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
I am going to schedule a consult with another attorney in my area...I do trust my boss/current attorney but I could use some fire from this other Lawyer...she was my employer at one time...many moons ago when I was a newly wed...she scared the ever living crappola out of me...I think having her in my corner may be a smart move. Not sure I can afford her long term...but another voice in my ear will help me feel empowered. posting to put it somewhere.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Thank you for asking! Happy Thanksgiving everyone ! I haven't been on line much, missed the Thanksgiving thread 
but I have been happily busy in real life. The kids and I are doing really well. I am having to work a little harder on breaking ties with the Ex and keeping boundaries in place because he knows the good buttons to push as well..so I'm working on that. Our home is peaceful and relaxing. I am financially extremely tight but I'm not even stressed about it. My true friends and new friends have really been there for me. My oldest, DS is taking things the hardest, but it really only flares up after visits with dad. It's still new and fresh so time will tell. Counseling for the kids finally called me last week after months on a waiting list. Things really are better on the other side. The legal process does stress me out because I let ex get to me as we "try and work it out between us"...I'm putting an end to that as I don't want to settle for less than I deserve so I'm passing the torch onto our legal teams and wiping my hands of "helping" him.
but I have been happily busy in real life. The kids and I are doing really well. I am having to work a little harder on breaking ties with the Ex and keeping boundaries in place because he knows the good buttons to push as well..so I'm working on that. Our home is peaceful and relaxing. I am financially extremely tight but I'm not even stressed about it. My true friends and new friends have really been there for me. My oldest, DS is taking things the hardest, but it really only flares up after visits with dad. It's still new and fresh so time will tell. Counseling for the kids finally called me last week after months on a waiting list. Things really are better on the other side. The legal process does stress me out because I let ex get to me as we "try and work it out between us"...I'm putting an end to that as I don't want to settle for less than I deserve so I'm passing the torch onto our legal teams and wiping my hands of "helping" him.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I’m so glad to hear from you and that things are going so well.
And good for you for not falling for that “we’ll work it out” nonsense. With his history, you need a lawyer and a mean one, better yet one that eats controlling narcissists for breakfast
You deserve only peace and joy. I wish you both.
And good for you for not falling for that “we’ll work it out” nonsense. With his history, you need a lawyer and a mean one, better yet one that eats controlling narcissists for breakfast
You deserve only peace and joy. I wish you both.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I too was wondering how things were going - very glad to hear that you have launched! It's a great feeling to realize "now I can get on with my new and improved life".
Legal stuff is really stressful, but you know your ex well enough to know that "let's work it out between us" is a non-starter. I'm glad you've lawyered up.
All best wishes for the future!
Legal stuff is really stressful, but you know your ex well enough to know that "let's work it out between us" is a non-starter. I'm glad you've lawyered up.
All best wishes for the future!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
