Time to end this

Old 10-21-2017, 12:49 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
I totally understand this feeling.

I held that exact belief for myself for a long time. I meant my marriage vows dammit. I am strong dammit. Our love is strong dammit. If we just get passed this next hurdle it will be clear sailing into our golden years...... until....dammit, he's still drinking, dammit I can't take this anymore... GAWDDAMMIT I deserve soooo much better than what I'm getting from him...

I know it's hard. And it was really humbling for me to realize I was going to be divorced! . I felt like a failure when I ended my decades long marriage to my AXH. He made sure of that.

I know now I didn't fail. Nobody, least of all me, should be judging the choices I had to make to get healthy in my head and happy in my heart. If Id've had a spouse that cared about his health and the state of our relationship the way I did, my marriage to him would not have ended. But it did. And that was for the best, despite the growing pains it caused all involved.

Hang in there hearthealth, you deserve to be happy.

Please be gentle and kind with yourself.
This summarizes me completely. I just need to be willing to be the first of my siblings to divorce, or the only one. They are truly with great partners. Once again I'll be alone at get togethers with all their sweet wonderful affection. I was the last to marry and I remember the pain of being alone.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:11 PM
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Divorce is not common in my family, nor my AXH's family. As a matter of fact we each only have one uncle who divorced their wives. I would say it's probably a point of pride on both sides.

That isn't to say people are in healthy marriages. Just long ones. Enmeshed and sick to the core.

Both my parents and my father's parents were married for 50years. Both wrought with alcoholism and codependence. None of these people ever seemed truly happy to me. That's a desperately sad fact.

My ex-in-laws are so screwed up it isn't even worth explaining their pathological marriage of 46 years.

Part of my decision to put up with stuff for as long as I did was because I figured that's what I was supposed to do. That's what women in my family DID.

Part of my decision to LEAVE my AXH was that in 25years from that point, I did not want to be in a marriage like that of my parents.. and that is exactly where we were headed...Him drinking his life away and me being miserable by his side because at age 20 I stood before friends and family and said, "till death do us part"...

Being lonely does suck....but what was worse for me was feeling so very lost and alone when my (X)AH was right there in the room with me.

BIG HUGS for you hearthealth.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:13 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hearthealth View Post
I was the last to marry and I remember the pain of being alone.
hh, you, in and of yourself, are enough. You do not need a husband or boyfriend to validate you as a person. You do not need to be half of a couple to be a whole person.

I swear this is true. I have been part of one twosome or another since I was in high school. These past 2 years, since divorcing XAH, are the first 2 years in my whole freaking life, and I am 57, that I have spent as my own person, my own self, ME.

I feared being alone too. I was terrified, actually. I was fairly sure I didn't exist w/o some man or other at my side. Guess what--I was oh so wrong! I DO exist, all by myself, all on my own.

And so do you. It will take you time to learn this, but being alone does not automatically mean pain or loneliness or being "less than." It can mean freedom and learning and self-reliance, peace and joy and a completely new way of seeing things. I'm not saying I've got it all handled, b/c I DON'T, but man, I am in a place I never believed I could be...or no, not even that, but a place I never imagined even existed!
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Old 10-21-2017, 05:25 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
hearthealth.....I hope you can keep the angry going....lol. It is easier to be motivated while angry, sometimes....and then, when the anger settles down, one can begin to do self-doubt, all over again. one must guard against that....
I think it is good to write a list of everything in the relationship, that you can think of, that is bad in the relationship.......then, read it every time you start going to self-doubt......even if it is once, every hour!
Great advice. Self-awareness and self-questioning is a good trait in general - but sometimes you have to just say "I am not going to listen to myself questioning myself over and over. I have made a well-considered decision and it's over. Decision made, action plan being implemented".
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Old 10-21-2017, 07:32 PM
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It took me years to make the break. Really hard to do. I heard a saying once that is flip ...but it helped me. I would rather be lonely than stupid. I do have friends and family but no significant other. But being away from abuse and being alone is better.
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Old 10-21-2017, 07:40 PM
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Thanks everyone. I have to work out why divorce for me is so troubling for me.
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Old 10-22-2017, 02:39 AM
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I was absolutely horrified to consider divorce. Horrified!! No one gets married to get divorced. I believed my vows as a promise to God and to our families. And yes, I held myself to a standard that was much higher than that of anyone around me...and to this day don't know why.

I suppose what made it easier for me to contemplate divorce was that my ex-husband is the one who asked and filed. He wanted to be free to pursue his girlfriend, you see. So it was literally out of my hands.

Also, I did try everything including counseling...but he refused to join me. I think the fact that I did try made the divorce a bit more palatable.

I don't know your faith beliefs, HH, and it's not my business. One thing to consider if you decide against sharing your day-to-day life and raising your children with an active alcoholic might be to separate permanently. Technically, you would still be married, but your finances and legal residences would be separate for the peace and safety of you and your children. I don't know your work status or if this would be a manageable option, but it might be something to consider.

You deserve peace...and joy, hearthealth! You will be in my prayers.
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Old 10-22-2017, 03:13 AM
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It is so evident that I will never be happy with him. I know I allow people to treat me the way I allow them to treat me. I know suffering is optional.

I just don't know how to cohabitate with someone who only truly cares about themselves, their needs and their happiness.
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Old 10-22-2017, 03:42 AM
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It is difficult to share a life and home with someone who has no regard for you or your happiness at all. I can only imagine how much harder it must be knowing it extends to the children as well. Being married to someone who has no emotional maturity, no thoughts except for personal convenience and pleasure, is absolutely, gut-wrenchingly depressing. I get it....I have been there, and I am so sorry.
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Old 10-22-2017, 04:45 AM
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The way I get around this is, I tell myself, I didn't fail my marriage (indeed I tried couples counseling and even the counselor said so), I didn't fail it, the ADDICT failed it. It's not a one-person test. Now, if I had stayed, I would have stayed in a "failed situation". D*mn it, I hate the F word: FAIL. I hate it. Get rid of it.

Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
I totally understand this feeling.

I held that exact belief for myself for a long time. I meant my marriage vows dammit. I am strong dammit. Our love is strong dammit. If we just get passed this next hurdle it will be clear sailing into our golden years...... until....dammit, he's still drinking, dammit I can't take this anymore... GAWDDAMMIT I deserve soooo much better than what I'm getting from him...

I know it's hard. And it was really humbling for me to realize I was going to be divorced! . I felt like a failure when I ended my decades long marriage to my AXH. He made sure of that.

I know now I didn't fail. Nobody, least of all me, should be judging the choices I had to make to get healthy in my head and happy in my heart. If Id've had a spouse that cared about his health and the state of our relationship the way I did, my marriage to him would not have ended. But it did. And that was for the best, despite the growing pains it caused all involved.

Hang in there hearthealth, you deserve to be happy.

Please be gentle and kind with yourself.
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Old 10-22-2017, 04:46 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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That's it. This is exactly it. Being in a relationship with someone who has no emotional maturity, no thoughts except for personal convenience and pleasure, is ABSOLUTELY depressing. It makes you diminish as a person.

Originally Posted by Seren View Post
It is difficult to share a life and home with someone who has no regard for you or your happiness at all. I can only imagine how much harder it must be knowing it extends to the children as well. Being married to someone who has no emotional maturity, no thoughts except for personal convenience and pleasure, is absolutely, gut-wrenchingly depressing. I get it....I have been there, and I am so sorry.
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Old 10-22-2017, 04:50 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Agree with this. This happens to me a lot, particularly since my A made me doubt myself all the time. Stay angry. Anger is self-protective.

Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
hearthealth.....I hope you can keep the angry going....lol. It is easier to be motivated while angry, sometimes....and then, when the anger settles down, one can begin to do self-doubt, all over again. one must guard against that....
I think it is good to write a list of everything in the relationship, that you can think of, that is bad in the relationship.......then, read it every time you start going to self-doubt......even if it is once, every hour!
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Old 10-22-2017, 07:26 AM
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I just don't know how to cohabitate with someone who only truly cares about themselves, their needs and their happiness.

this is not a marriage. It is like mine was ..not even close to the definition of one. Do not feel bad for ending this one sided unequal non relationship. My kids behave better towards me then my exah did.
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Old 10-22-2017, 09:33 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
It is difficult to share a life and home with someone who has no regard for you or your happiness at all. I can only imagine how much harder it must be knowing it extends to the children as well. Being married to someone who has no emotional maturity, no thoughts except for personal convenience and pleasure, is absolutely, gut-wrenchingly depressing. I get it....I have been there, and I am so sorry.
THIS. So much this! I have been there too.
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Old 10-22-2017, 12:25 PM
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HeartHealth,
I was the first and only one to divorce in my family after 32 yrs of marriage though my 4 sisters marriages are not great by any stretch.
It was hard and after two years is still hard sometimes. He moved on to another woman after 2 months and is still partying hard despite horrible health problems. He is most definitely a garden variety alcoholic. But so effing what! Ive had two years without his super ego, his mental health issues, his medical problems, etc... i never thought i would survive this, but i have. I am happier and healtbier than ive been in decades. Its crazy how much energy i have. I wish you strength with whatever path you take
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Old 10-22-2017, 04:32 PM
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hearthealth,

One of my dearest friends divorced a man who, on paper, appeared to be a dream catch. He was very high up the food chain, and she sacrificed her own promising career to follow his. He was such a egotistical, cheating, narcissist, but my friend made it clear that she wasn't ready to face the truth.

When she finally divorced him, I will be to first to admit that "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead" was the first song that came to mind. The divorce agreement, IMHO, was all in his favor and she had to start out from scratch.

She had a pretty rough couple years in the beginning. But once she was unburdened of his presence, she began to take small steps towards revitalizing her career. She's now in her dream job, which would have NEVER happened if she was still married to Jerk. People helped her out with child care so she could accept Dream Job. She's now building up her retirement savings, (she didn't have any because Jerk took all of it in the agreement.). She isn't with anyone at the moment, but she's made it quite clear that she isn't going to settle for just anyone. Whoever he is, he's going to have to prove that he deserves her (and I say this as her friend.)

You may think that people will judge you for getting divorced, but your true friends and family will celebrate the fact that you've finally unshackled yourself from your self-imposed chains. If they can, they will more than happily help you out as you steady yourself. They may even ask "What took you so long?"
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Old 10-22-2017, 05:43 PM
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I have two wonderful children at home and I don't want to go home, but I know I must. I'm surrounded by so much love and support at work and than I get such a starck contrast by the one. I'm getting sadder by the day.
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Old 10-23-2017, 06:34 AM
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I remember staying at work late b/c I just hated the idea of going home. How awful. Now, I run out when it's time to leave, my home is my sanctuary.

I too came from a long line of people who don't divorce, no matter what. However, no one was critical of me, they have done nothing but support me. I look back and cannot believe I stayed for so long, but I am mentally in a very different place than I was then.

I can only say, you are worth it. You are worth having a happy life, being able to have fun, being able to look forward to the next day.

Big hugs.
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Old 10-28-2017, 04:04 AM
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I'm working on it

I'm not happy and this is not the relationship I imagined in life. It is the one I received/created. All I do is identify and ruminate. Life has gotten in the way of taking a more active role in leaving.

It is, the picture I painted without the A is scarier than the picture with the A. How does one function in a whole new life? I'm scared of all the what ifs. If only I can create a new life with him but I'm seeing that will never meet with a true satisfaction either. It can't happen if I'm the only one in recovery.
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Old 10-28-2017, 09:09 AM
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It is, the picture I painted without the A is scarier than the picture with the A.
What is the picture?

When I was with my ex-fiance, I couldn't imagine a life without him, so I imagined the worst case scenario.

I was thinking in the wrong direction.

PS. It's beginning to really feel like fall. The leaves are dying and winter is coming but I can't wait for spring.
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