Maybe God Is Answering Me?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Maybe God Is Answering Me?
Hello Friends, it's been a while, and I apologize. Work, kid, home life is sucking the time out of me and though I lurk around this forum, I don't spend as much time as I used to, and I don't respond to posts as I would like to.
I've been on SR for several years now, and I've learned so much, felt loved, and tried to contribute. Through it all, I've also been praying for answers - for any kind of guidance or answer - and I never seemed to get one. This put a great strain on my faith and made me question lots of things.
In June of this year AW blacked out on the way home from an after-work party, causing over $3500 in damage to the car, but luckily not harming any innocent persons. A month later she blacks out again and pees all over the kitchen floor. Each episode was followed with the obligatory, "It won't ever happen again". Since then there have been nightly passing out, slumped over the kitchen island, and passed out on the toilet.
She now thinks that passing out on the toilet is no big deal, even though we have a DS7 in the house. Yesterday she had a bad day at work, drank wine, took some sort of medication, and became hateful and emotional. Said that she was quitting her job today, and hated me because I use a product made by the company for whom she works. There was a bunch of other rambling which I could not follow. I was able to break away and go walk the dog and then escape to bed.
Ten minutes after I'm upstairs I hear snoring and hiccups, so I go downstairs and she is face-planted on the kitchen island again - I just turned off the lights and went back to bed.
On the way o work this morning I was angry at God for not making things better and 'fixing' her, us, the family. Then it hit me that maybe all the things she's done lately are my 'signs' to make my own move to get away from her and protect my DS.
She told me on her way to work today that she's been miserable since we got married. She feels justified/entitled to get trashed/F'd-up because of how badly she feels mistreated and unloved. I said to her, "Why should I care about you when you obviously care nothing about yourself to trash you mind and body on a regular basis?" She said that's her only way of coping with all the 'pain'.
Just like her mother, she somehow always becomes the victim and thrives on drama - usually self-induced drama and victimization.
So, maybe the events of the past 4-5 are my signs from God that it is time to make a move and to save myself and protect my child from the downward-spiraling alcoholic. I turn 54 years old on Saturday, I think I deserve better for me and my son. I know he deserves better - he's just an innocent child.
I am thankful for you guys every day. Love to all.
C-O-D
I've been on SR for several years now, and I've learned so much, felt loved, and tried to contribute. Through it all, I've also been praying for answers - for any kind of guidance or answer - and I never seemed to get one. This put a great strain on my faith and made me question lots of things.
In June of this year AW blacked out on the way home from an after-work party, causing over $3500 in damage to the car, but luckily not harming any innocent persons. A month later she blacks out again and pees all over the kitchen floor. Each episode was followed with the obligatory, "It won't ever happen again". Since then there have been nightly passing out, slumped over the kitchen island, and passed out on the toilet.
She now thinks that passing out on the toilet is no big deal, even though we have a DS7 in the house. Yesterday she had a bad day at work, drank wine, took some sort of medication, and became hateful and emotional. Said that she was quitting her job today, and hated me because I use a product made by the company for whom she works. There was a bunch of other rambling which I could not follow. I was able to break away and go walk the dog and then escape to bed.
Ten minutes after I'm upstairs I hear snoring and hiccups, so I go downstairs and she is face-planted on the kitchen island again - I just turned off the lights and went back to bed.
On the way o work this morning I was angry at God for not making things better and 'fixing' her, us, the family. Then it hit me that maybe all the things she's done lately are my 'signs' to make my own move to get away from her and protect my DS.
She told me on her way to work today that she's been miserable since we got married. She feels justified/entitled to get trashed/F'd-up because of how badly she feels mistreated and unloved. I said to her, "Why should I care about you when you obviously care nothing about yourself to trash you mind and body on a regular basis?" She said that's her only way of coping with all the 'pain'.
Just like her mother, she somehow always becomes the victim and thrives on drama - usually self-induced drama and victimization.
So, maybe the events of the past 4-5 are my signs from God that it is time to make a move and to save myself and protect my child from the downward-spiraling alcoholic. I turn 54 years old on Saturday, I think I deserve better for me and my son. I know he deserves better - he's just an innocent child.
I am thankful for you guys every day. Love to all.
C-O-D
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I hope this is a turning point for you. Your son is at such an impressionable age...children raised in addiction chaos grow up and often re-create that chaos either by becoming an addict or enabling one. You know you want better for him.
As for what she says...it all really translates to, “I’m going to drink and I will say or do whatever it takes to keep on drinking.” So try not to give it anymore weight than that, okay?
Sending you hope for a better life for you and your child.
As for what she says...it all really translates to, “I’m going to drink and I will say or do whatever it takes to keep on drinking.” So try not to give it anymore weight than that, okay?
Sending you hope for a better life for you and your child.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 528
I did not want to leave my XAh. I thought if I just said the right words- he would get it. I was wrong. Even leaving him did not wake him up. And he continued to abuse me after I left- stealing money, contacting family and friends, turning the kids against me- stalling on legal matters- refusing to help me out financially. I decided I had to save myself- I feel like I am still healing.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
On the way o work this morning I was angry at God for not making things better and 'fixing' her, us, the family. Then it hit me that maybe all the things she's done lately are my 'signs' to make my own move to get away from her and protect my DS.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Honestly, I think God has been answering you for years but you're finally ready to hear what She has to say. 
I hate reading this update but it sounds like it boils down to: Nothing has changed except the consequences seem bigger/heavier.
Nothing changes until something changes Dad.
Are you ready for change?
You've been sitting for years on the fence of "not having a problem so much as a solution you don't like", haven't you? You're better than this.
ETA: When is the last time you've gone back & re-read your old threads from when you first joined? Sometimes just going back through your OWN words is more impactful than anything another member could say.
I hate reading this update but it sounds like it boils down to: Nothing has changed except the consequences seem bigger/heavier.
Nothing changes until something changes Dad.
Are you ready for change?
You've been sitting for years on the fence of "not having a problem so much as a solution you don't like", haven't you? You're better than this.
ETA: When is the last time you've gone back & re-read your old threads from when you first joined? Sometimes just going back through your OWN words is more impactful than anything another member could say.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
COD
I prayed constantly for my addict - to help & fix her. God's sign to me was to show me where the door was & said use it now or stay with her & probably die with her.
As hard as it was, I chose to use the door.
I am very sorry for your circumstance. Very ugly reading. I wish you the best.
I prayed constantly for my addict - to help & fix her. God's sign to me was to show me where the door was & said use it now or stay with her & probably die with her.
As hard as it was, I chose to use the door.
I am very sorry for your circumstance. Very ugly reading. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
God is always answering.....it's just that sometimes the reply is NO.....until we start asking the right questions.
God please fix HER (him/them/that) isn't a humble request, it's a demand. that is OUR will (or want).
i think of the NA Third Step Prayer, and how beautifully it sums it up:
Take my will & my life,
Guide me in my recovery,
Show me how to live.
God please fix HER (him/them/that) isn't a humble request, it's a demand. that is OUR will (or want).
i think of the NA Third Step Prayer, and how beautifully it sums it up:
Take my will & my life,
Guide me in my recovery,
Show me how to live.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi, OH... I have dropped off the face of the SR earth lately too, unfortunately. I found myself getting frustrated and every story was just people banging their heads on the same wall and nothing changes if nothing changes. You've been here quite awhile, and I could put you into that same bucket. Of course your wife is "miserable" and you are the reason she drinks and drugs and escapes "life" and "responsibility". You continue to allow it to happen whether you know it or not. Just by staying with her (even though you think "I no longer clean up her messes... I leave her slumped over on the kitchen island overnight"). Your little boy and you deserve a decent life and it sounds like that should not include her in this state she's in. I think (IMHO) status quo and not upsetting the family finances is the only thing keeping you in the same place you have been in for years. We've had members that had the "breaking point" as you might be having and it has gone many ways: A) the wife gets her sh*t together finally due to the finality of what the husband is doing to end the marriage - BUT they do it for THEMSELVES to get better, B) the wife keeps the victim-mode going and is so far down the addiction tunnel that they don't change their ways (some have even died at a young age - Wood Man anybody?) I wish you much luck and Godspeed, OH, as you navigate the next steps whatever they may be.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hey Ohiodad. I just wrote you a heart felt post about understanding being angry with God. Then Soberrecovery logged me out and ate my post so here is me again now pissy about the website but still trying to be supportive.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Good to see you here, COD - I was wondering about where you were lately.
Sorry to hear about continuing challenges. Here is the most hated interview question of all times for you: where do you want to be in 5 years?
My XAH final relapse that led to separation and ultimately divorce came right after I went through interviewing for a job (and got it), and that was the question that popped into my head right after I learned about relapse. And then I just knew.
Take care of yourself and your little boy
Sorry to hear about continuing challenges. Here is the most hated interview question of all times for you: where do you want to be in 5 years?
My XAH final relapse that led to separation and ultimately divorce came right after I went through interviewing for a job (and got it), and that was the question that popped into my head right after I learned about relapse. And then I just knew.
Take care of yourself and your little boy
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sorry to hear the situation is getting worse COD. You will still have to deal with her around child custody and then visitation but if it all pans out, your son won't see her drunk every day. I know a lot happens at night, but he also sees her when she comes home inebriated.
You sound level headed enough to have your evidence of her being unfit to parent on her own. Expect her to fight, expect a custody war and her making a huge effort to become sober.
It's a sad fact that many As only try when their partner finally pulls the pin.
You sound level headed enough to have your evidence of her being unfit to parent on her own. Expect her to fight, expect a custody war and her making a huge effort to become sober.
It's a sad fact that many As only try when their partner finally pulls the pin.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello CODad, I am sorry for what you have continued to experience. God's ways are not our ways. His will is not ours. He has been trying to talk to you as he tries to talk to us all. I have found that it is better to listen to him than to dictate to him. Prayer may not change what we want it to change, but it can change us.
Two old chestnuts come to my mind (one has already been mentioned on this thread):
The Lord helps those who help themselves.
and
The man who died in the flood: Flood waters began to enter a man's home, and another man in a boat came by to pick him up, but he responded "No, I'm fine, God will save me", so the man in the boat went away. The water reached the 2nd floor of the house, and another man in a boat came by to rescue him through his window, but again he responded "No, I'm fine. God will save me". Finally, our hero is sitting on his roof because the waters have come up so high. A helicopter comes by and lowers a basket for him to get into, but again the man responds with "No, I'm fine. God will save me."
Eventually, the flood waters cover the house and the man drowns. As he is standing at the Pearly Gates, he is ushered in to see God and asks him "Why didn't you rescue me?!". God replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?"
Two old chestnuts come to my mind (one has already been mentioned on this thread):
The Lord helps those who help themselves.
and
The man who died in the flood: Flood waters began to enter a man's home, and another man in a boat came by to pick him up, but he responded "No, I'm fine, God will save me", so the man in the boat went away. The water reached the 2nd floor of the house, and another man in a boat came by to rescue him through his window, but again he responded "No, I'm fine. God will save me". Finally, our hero is sitting on his roof because the waters have come up so high. A helicopter comes by and lowers a basket for him to get into, but again the man responds with "No, I'm fine. God will save me."
Eventually, the flood waters cover the house and the man drowns. As he is standing at the Pearly Gates, he is ushered in to see God and asks him "Why didn't you rescue me?!". God replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Seren 
Eventually, the flood waters cover the house and the man drowns. As he is standing at the Pearly Gates, he is ushered in to see God and asks him "Why didn't you rescue me?!". God replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?"
YES. For me, right now, this is perfect. Thank you.
COD- get you and your boy out of there. Said with kindness.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
Dad, I believe God does work in mysterious ways. Yep, perhaps your "situation" has come to this horribly, sad place for a reason.....
And, I believe (know) that God speaks to us (me) through others. For example, our counselors, friends (and even anonymous, caring and wise online SR peers/friends).
You have reached out to this forum. Hopefully, from the posts to you, you will gather wisdom and strength from SR people who understand - and care about you.
Please do what you need to do - and protect you and, especially, your son. Your son IS being damaged by seeing his mother as she is right now.
It's not easy. We know (your SR friends) know that. Many of us have been in very similar situations.
Some of us (including me) have had to do VERY painful things to make our lives better. Yes it was difficult, but for most of us, (at least for me), the pain was worth it.
And, I believe (know) that God speaks to us (me) through others. For example, our counselors, friends (and even anonymous, caring and wise online SR peers/friends).
You have reached out to this forum. Hopefully, from the posts to you, you will gather wisdom and strength from SR people who understand - and care about you.
Please do what you need to do - and protect you and, especially, your son. Your son IS being damaged by seeing his mother as she is right now.
It's not easy. We know (your SR friends) know that. Many of us have been in very similar situations.
Some of us (including me) have had to do VERY painful things to make our lives better. Yes it was difficult, but for most of us, (at least for me), the pain was worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I turn 54 years old on Saturday, I think I deserve better for me and my son. I know he deserves better - he's just an innocent child.
I've dated a lot of guys, and been in love more times than any one person deserves, but all with unavailable in some way men. I always figured that somehow, they would become less selfish, give up drinking, drugs or gambling, or stop being shut off from love - that God would lead them and they'd figure it out and become the person I wanted them to be.
This place helped me see that all the crappy things that happened were maybe in part for them...but that I was blind to the fact that they were for me to learn from too. For me to take some responsibility for my choices, for me to heal from the things that led me to my choices, and to change them for my future.
The whole time I was thinking these crappy incidents should be leading them to get help, and I was dead wrong. I resisted leaving bad relationships EVERY TIME, and eventually, God / the universe whatever you want to call it FORCED me out, and I still couldn't see my part until the magnitude of futility took over me thanks to a relationship with an alcoholic.
We're ready when we're ready....but the fact that you see your situation is meant for YOU to grow, rather than her reminds me of when I had the same realization. Again, (((HUGS))) to you - it's so painful - but it will change your life for the better. And I hope you had a great birthday!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Cod,
Glad to see you posting again. Happy birthday my friend!
I too was very angry at God for not helping me fix my axh. I fought for years feeling that my way was the only way to fix him. I was pissed at God for not doing anything of what I asked of him. No dui, no getting busted for smoking pot, no positive drug tests, no real life consequences for his actions.
Once I accepted Gods plan and stopped acting like I knew better, my life changed. I finally surrendered and accepted things to be the way they are suppose to be. I fought for 30 something years and boy was I exhausted at the end.
They say on this forum, God doesn't need our help as he can take care of each and every addict who seeks out his help. Make peace with yourself that you are not giving up on her, that this is his plan for her, we just need to get out of his way.
Maybe, just maybe by you doing something different, she might have those life consequences and may seek help. Sending hugs that you find some clarity in your life in regards to your marriage.
Glad to see you posting again. Happy birthday my friend!
I too was very angry at God for not helping me fix my axh. I fought for years feeling that my way was the only way to fix him. I was pissed at God for not doing anything of what I asked of him. No dui, no getting busted for smoking pot, no positive drug tests, no real life consequences for his actions.
Once I accepted Gods plan and stopped acting like I knew better, my life changed. I finally surrendered and accepted things to be the way they are suppose to be. I fought for 30 something years and boy was I exhausted at the end.
They say on this forum, God doesn't need our help as he can take care of each and every addict who seeks out his help. Make peace with yourself that you are not giving up on her, that this is his plan for her, we just need to get out of his way.
Maybe, just maybe by you doing something different, she might have those life consequences and may seek help. Sending hugs that you find some clarity in your life in regards to your marriage.
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