Upsidedown23

Hey all... Hope you're all doing ok!

My boyfriend has been in rehab since Monday and during the initial detox phase he had been allowed no access to his phone to contact the outside world.

He got his phone back late yesterday evening and called me to let me know how it's all going. Sounds like he is doing ok and actually quite enjoying himself which is great, I was worried he'd really be suffering but he's been getting full body massages and all sorts! (I'm kinda jealous, I could use one of those haha)

However, he was kinda distant with me over all. I told him how good it was to hear his voice and he just laughed a little then changed the subject. He's usually really 'lovey dovey' so I was taken aback by the fact that he wasn't all romantic over the phone on this call.

He did ask me how I was doing and said that he'd been worried about me, having visions of me all alone and not coping with it. I told him I was doing fine and not to worry about me. Although that's not strictly true, I AM struggling with how much I miss him but I don't think it's helpful that he knows that.

I know that him getting sober is bound to have an effect on him, his mood etc, especially in these early days. And I know it's good that he is having a decent time there, and isn't climbing up the walls wishing to leave.

It's equally possible that one of the counsellors may have been in the room when he called and he felt a bit embarrassed.

But it still stung a bit that he didn't respond when I said I'd been thinking about him non-stop. He just laughed nervously again. I guess I was expecting a little more than I got but at least he called, I guess.

Not sure why I'm telling you all this, just getting it out, as I feel a bit low this morning and don't have many people to talk to x

VigilanceNow

Hi UpsideDown! It's great that your boyfriend is in rehab and is adjusting well so far. There are many reasons why he may have felt uncomfortable being lovey over the phone, the first of which is that he was probably not alone in whatever space he was in. All rehabs are different, but when I went, it was almost impossible to find a place to be alone other than the bathroom! They do that deliberately since some people find tricky ways of sneaking things in. I'm surprised they allow him to have a phone at all!

Also, time spent in rehab for me was an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes it seemed great, other times it felt like a prison. Since he basically just got there, I'm sure you'll see the full spectrum of emotions as time goes on and he learns to adjust to sobriety and a controlled environment.

Hang in there - it will be worth it!!!

Upsidedown23

Thank you.

I'm spending this time rereading some of my favourite self-help books, meditating and listening to motivational talks etc but I can't stop thinking about him and worrying what will happen when he comes back.

I keep imagining that he'll come back so damn well-adjusted that he'll realise I'm too codependent and decide our relationship is unhealthy?! What's wrong with me, I'm worried I'm not good enough for my alcoholic?!

VigilanceNow

First of all, you're good enough for anyone - alcoholic or not!

Codependency is a significant component in relationships affected by addiction. I wouldn't worry about him coming back from rehab a totally changed person. Rehab really is the beginning; hopefully they will tell him that he has to follow a program to maintain sobriety. Rehab is definitely no quick fix. Obviously his alcoholism was severe enough that he checked into one, so getting sober is one thing -- *staying* sober is the real challenge!

Vivisectus

Heya Upsidedown!

My own AW just came back from rehab two days ago. A few weeks ago, I felt similar things to you. I was worried about what was happening to her in there. Was she telling the truth? What was she discovering about herself? How would I know that whatever she was discovering wasn't somehow threatening to me?

I guess I was still trying to manage her in that weird alcoholic vs codependent way. When you live with an alcoholic, there is a tendency to get used to feeling like you have to. You learn to avoid setting them off. You feel like you are responsible for their state of mind, and that if you can just do that enough, they won't drink.

However, after a week or so, I found myself rather appreciating the time away from all the stress and anxiety that comes with being in a relationship with an alcoholic. I got to spend some time re-discovering who I am when that is not constantly hanging over me, and I found it very rewarding. I actually feel very grateful for time I got to spend just working on myself and my family for a bit.

He is in a place where people will look after him and try to help him become a healthier, more self-aware person. Now that that is off your hands for a bit, what can you do that is going to help you?

atalose

Not trying to be negative here only real based on the things you have previously shared. This is a person that you have only known for a relatively short period of time. And in that period of time he’s been drunk, the person you fell in love with, fell so hard for, have a love like you’ve never had before has been operating with a alcohol soaked brain. Numbing his true self, his true feelings with booze. Now that the booze has been removed, this is a person you do not even know and I am sure he does not even know. If he sticks to his recovery, he will have a long hard road ahead of him. Now the “not drinking” will become the focus in his life, not the relationship. That is where you are operating from, focusing on “the relationship”.

Will it be shocking if he comes out of rehab and says he’s not ready to be in a relationship, no, it’s almost expected given all the parameters of this relationship but I don’t’ think you are fully prepared for that.

Rather than attempting to calm your fears with reassurances, I think it is time to explore all possibilities and prepare yourself as best you can.

Upsidedown23

How does one emotionally prepare themselves for something like that?

atalose

With all of the things we have been telling you all along, focus on yourself, begin to emotionally distance yourself by turning all of your focus on him into all of your focus on yourself. Continued support from family and friends NOT him. Socializing with others, keeping busy, finding things to do by yourself instead of couple type things. Work through your own emotions and try not to grasp for the relationship as a way to stop your pain. Take responsibility for your own part in the relationship and your own pain. Stop having fantasy expectations of how great things are going to be once he does, X,Y and Z.

Focus on reality. Learn about addict behaviors and early recovery.
If this were me knowing what I know today, I would give him room lots of room to figure himself out.

Upsidedown23

The main issue I have with this is that I DON'T have external support from family and friends and as a working mother to a 5 year old who's father is not around, I don't have much spare time to do things for myself.

I'm trying, I really am. But it's extremely difficult to stay positive when I feel very isolated and alone in this.

dandylion

Upsidedown.....this is a reason that we keep suggesting alanon and a counselor for yourself. An alcoholism counselor would be good for this period of time...as they will understand the dynamics of early recovery....
Many of the people who come here have been isolated and need the external support....

You might also read these books, to give you some idea of what to expect....

"Loving Someone in Recovery"
"Everything Changes"
"Living With Sobriety"

You can get them on amazon.com...or, from your library...

Ariesagain

How long have you known him?

Have you ever known him when he wasn’t in active alcoholism?

NotAPeach

I have a really good idea how you are feeling. It is pretty terrible. My husband has been away at rehab for 24 days. He wrote me a letter toward the beginning, which wrecked me (it was a good letter but still). There have been two calls total, both with the therapist, none this week, which I think is more usual. I got the two calls sort of unintentionally/not planned, once because the therapist had been trying to call me and not getting through so he had to give her the correct number and she let him hang out for a few minutes to talk to me, and once because my sister is dying (pretty imminently and we/she all just found out) and she let him call me.

She called again a few days ago to give me an update and said she was going to give him a pass to call me on Sunday, and then we have a Skype therapy session next Thursday. After that, I think he will get his phone back. I will likely just let him call me and not initiate any calls, that is kind of how we work anyway.

The isolation is really tough. I am so sorry. What got me through it was music. I have built up a pretty rocking soundtrack to "Your Husband is Away at Rehab For Two Months" on Pandora and even signed up for a free two month trial so that I don't have to listen to the crappy ads anymore. It sort of amused me that the two month trial coincided with the rehab stay so I took it as a sign I start it up at 5 in the morning when I get up, and it pretty much goes all day. Prior to all of this, I did listen to music but NOWHERE near this much. Normally I read to escape but I can't concentrate on that right now. Music is what has helped me.

Mango blast

Alanon meetings are donation supported... a basket is passed and generally $1 or $2 is contributed... but not required. Many have babysitting available.

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...-anon-meeting/

Love the playlist idea!

There is a reason we choose a relationship with an alcoholic, who is emotionally unavailable... it may not seem like that at first, yet this keeps showing up time and again.

Let this be a jumping off point into your new way of looking at life.. one that includes putting you and your son first, of creating an environment that is full of people who are becoming family in healthy ways.

AnvilheadII

how were you managing BEFORE the new guy came along?

here's the thing....IF he is even halfway serious about recovery, that is going to require 100% of his time and attention. that's just the way it works. recovery is ultimately a life or death matter, because left untreated addiction will kill. he can't be fully present to the work that solid recovery requires AND meet all your needs.

think of how quickly you allowed him to be so constantly in your thoughts, to a distraction. how quickly you became dependent on his attention, and how rough it has been for you after only a few days apart. THAT is a very good place to start.......not him, not how he's doing, what he's doing, if he will get better, if you two will ride off into the sunset, but how YOU are doing, why you so immediately attached yourself to the thought of him like a barnacle to a ship's hull.

you can find the time, if you make it your priority.

Upsidedown23

Several people have asked me this... about 6 months.

I know it's not long but I don't want that to trivialise how I'm feeling

Upsidedown23

Just to add to this.... we've shared mutual acquaintances for around 15 years but only been together 6 months. Before we started dating I knew *of* him but not personally

Mango blast

Actions first... new feelings follow.

Do you want to have fun in your life? Joy? Playfulness?

For a long time I clung to feeling miserable... that didn't help me, my children or anyone else.

Just sayin'! Once I started changing my actions, my feelings changed too.

SparkleKitty

I think the gist of the question is not at all to trivialize how you're feeling, but to suggest that becoming so deeply invested and enmeshed with someone over such a relatively short period of time is a red flag. The first six months of any healthy relationship should be about getting to know one another--and with addiction in the mix, "getting to know someone" is even more challenging since alcoholism limits a person's ability to present and honest with their partner.

Mango blast

Accepting feelings is important. It's also important to move forward. Life isn't meant to be stagnant.

Ariesagain

We’ve all been there, that’s the thing. The whirlwind relationship with an addict that is just so magical. It’s all feel-good hormones and rainbows and “lovey dovey”...there are no healthy boundaries. There is no testing of the waters or getting to know each other, because the alcoholic has HIS distance built in. It’s his addiction.

I remember it well. It was the perfect romance...until it all crashed and burned when reality set in for him...that I wasn’t the answer to all his problems.

So I’m not going to trivialize how you feel. But I am going to ask you to try to take a step back and really think about this, yes?

He’s been drinking most of the time you’ve been with him. He doesn’t know who he really is.

Rehab romances are very common. Read here for a while...it’s pretty typical for the addict and the new “solution” to leave rehab early and dump their respective partners, having convinced themselves they were the problem.

His actions indicate he is in a fairly advanced stage of alcoholism. The farther down the road, the lower the odds of making it back.

You have given your whole world over to someone who is at his core is not reliable or even capable. That’s dangerous.

I will stop now. It’s just that I see you walking along the edge of a very steep cliff and it’s hard not to yell, “look out”!!!

Feelings are not facts.

Sending you hopes for strength and clarity.