Alcoholic husband had 1st relapse today
Wife of an alcoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 6
Alcoholic husband had 1st relapse today
We've been married 12 years, together 15. We have a 10 year old daughter. He has drank pretty much our whole relationship but it progressively got worse to the point he was no longer involved in our lives at all. I packed up our daughter and left him 4 months ago and began the separation process. One month after I left he checked into a rehab facility. He's been home and sober almost 90 days...until today. I went by to have dinner with him. He knew I was coming and he was drunk when I got there. He got upset and kept saying relapse is part of recovery. I am furious. We are on the road to reconciling and supposed to be moving into our new house together in 2 weeks. Thankfully our daughter wasn't with me. She saw some awful things with him before he left for rehab. I'm so angry but most of all afraid that this will lead right back to where we started. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now...how I'm supposed to react....wondering if and when will it happen again. Honestly deep down I'm not surprised by the relapse. But what now?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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I’m really sorry to hear your news. For me, relapse isn’t part of recovery. If it was me (I’m an alcoholic) I would need to show my wife and family that I was doing a lot more to break my active addiction. Otherwise, I would in all likelihood lose them.
Wife of an alcoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
WhisperB.....was he in a program for the 90days...Like, AA with sponsor and a counselor.....lots of meetings....and meetings with his sponsor?
Wife of an alcoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by Stronger2017
I’m really sorry to hear your news. For me, relapse isn’t part of recovery. If it was me (I’m an alcoholic) I would need to show my wife and family that I was doing a lot more to break my active addiction. Otherwise, I would in all likelihood lose them.
Good luck to you in your recovery!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Given that there is a child involved here, I'm inclined to agree that jumping back in is probably not a good idea. Relapse does happen, but it doesn't have to. I relapsed after spending a month in a rehab facility, and a lot of people thought it meant it had been a waste of time. It wasn't; I just wasn't being as proactive and action-oriented as I should've been. If he's gone back to work and is getting back into old routines, he will have to work extra hard to keep alcohol out of that routine and replace it with other things, like meetings and active hobbies. Otherwise his alcoholism will convince him it's ok to have a little drink, you did your time in rehab... good luck!!! :-)
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Oh and regarding the fear of if and when he will do it again... that is one of the toughest things about being an alcoholic. I know people still look at me to assess whether or not I've been secretly drinking. If you do end up moving back in with him, that will be something you both have to deal with... not sure if it's a question of time (I've known people with 20 yrs sober who relapsed) or pure trust or what. That's a tough one.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
WhisperB......I am giving you the following l ink to our library of dozens of excellent articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones.....I hope that you will use this time to read through them....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
In addition...here is an article on how to gauge where your A is, with regard to commitment to recovery....It is a pretty good yardstick....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
In addition...here is an article on how to gauge where your A is, with regard to commitment to recovery....It is a pretty good yardstick....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
WhisperB.....
I venture to say, that this might not be the only occasion of drinking....since you are not living together, it would be hard for you to know, for sure.
It is the fondest wish of every alcoholic to be able to drink like non alcoholics can...controlled drinking.
To an alcoholc, the thought of never, ever having another drink again, can sound like a death sentence.
Without an adherence to a vigorous recovery program...AA, sponsor, counselor, etc...it is quite likely that the alcoholic voice, in their head, will convince them that it is o.k. to try to do controlled drinking.....
Early recovery time is a tough period for the alcoholic and the family, as well....
Relapse is always a possibility....not as a part of recovery...but, as a continuation of the alcoholism that is not in remission....
It is often recommended that one wait a year of uninterrupted sobriety before considering reconciliation and cohabitation.....
This also means that you will need to pursue a program of your own as much as
he needs to....
Attending alanon would be an excellent idea for you, as well as your own individual counselor.
For any lasting change in the relationship....both have to be working on themselves....
It is good, I think, that you realize the effects of all this on your child. After all, they are the ones that are hurt the most, in the long run....
I venture to say, that this might not be the only occasion of drinking....since you are not living together, it would be hard for you to know, for sure.
It is the fondest wish of every alcoholic to be able to drink like non alcoholics can...controlled drinking.
To an alcoholc, the thought of never, ever having another drink again, can sound like a death sentence.
Without an adherence to a vigorous recovery program...AA, sponsor, counselor, etc...it is quite likely that the alcoholic voice, in their head, will convince them that it is o.k. to try to do controlled drinking.....
Early recovery time is a tough period for the alcoholic and the family, as well....
Relapse is always a possibility....not as a part of recovery...but, as a continuation of the alcoholism that is not in remission....
It is often recommended that one wait a year of uninterrupted sobriety before considering reconciliation and cohabitation.....
This also means that you will need to pursue a program of your own as much as
he needs to....
Attending alanon would be an excellent idea for you, as well as your own individual counselor.
For any lasting change in the relationship....both have to be working on themselves....
It is good, I think, that you realize the effects of all this on your child. After all, they are the ones that are hurt the most, in the long run....
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Originally Posted by WhisperB
He got upset and kept saying relapse is part of recovery.
There is no drinking in active recovery.
There is drinking in active alcoholism.
I hope he gets the help he needs to get back on track
I hope you and your child stay in a safe place far away from the poisonous words and actions of an active addict.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I never understood the wait for a year thing before making any major changes like divorce, moving back in together, etc. etc. until I was in al-anon for a while and saw the results from not waiting 1 year. And not only did I witness others struggling through relapse I was also seeing it up close and personal myself.
We want so much to believe their recovery, think it’s a brand new start, life is going to get back on track and all the rest until it doesn’t and it ends up being a repeat of what we left behind when we needed to flee. We discover we are right back to where we started.
I would not proceed moving back in together, he’s proven he managed to possible stay sober 90 days and that you are not even sure of that because you don’t live together and he’s managed to drink again.
The alcoholic playbook will go something like this…….
But babe it’s only a slip up, I promise I will not drink – see I was able to stop for all that time don’t throw away our life our marriage because of 1 little drink!!! How can we work on us if we remain separated, isn’t our life together important to you? yadda yadda yadda, words, words, words, bla, bla, bla……
Don’t buy what the alcoholic salesman is selling, witness it and over a long period of time and from a safe distance. This man has been drinking for 15 years, he stopped for MAYBE 90 days and couldn’t stay away from it, please use so much caution in the decisions you make, look at the facts not the maybe’s, might’s or wishes.
We want so much to believe their recovery, think it’s a brand new start, life is going to get back on track and all the rest until it doesn’t and it ends up being a repeat of what we left behind when we needed to flee. We discover we are right back to where we started.
I would not proceed moving back in together, he’s proven he managed to possible stay sober 90 days and that you are not even sure of that because you don’t live together and he’s managed to drink again.
The alcoholic playbook will go something like this…….
But babe it’s only a slip up, I promise I will not drink – see I was able to stop for all that time don’t throw away our life our marriage because of 1 little drink!!! How can we work on us if we remain separated, isn’t our life together important to you? yadda yadda yadda, words, words, words, bla, bla, bla……
Don’t buy what the alcoholic salesman is selling, witness it and over a long period of time and from a safe distance. This man has been drinking for 15 years, he stopped for MAYBE 90 days and couldn’t stay away from it, please use so much caution in the decisions you make, look at the facts not the maybe’s, might’s or wishes.
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