Some random thoughts
 

as I work through what I feel is a thought process for now. I am stuck on thoughts right now rather than actions. The plan is to turn thoughts in my head to realizations and plans on paper and then hopefully execution. I overthink most things - it's my personality. I also fear the unknown. And have anxiety. If I could have planned my life on a piece of paper I probably would have done so. I think I'm getting better at not wanting to do the last part to that extent, but I'm also afraid.

Some thoughts - I was a better parent when I was doing it alone. I liked who I was more when I had the opportunity to be alone. I guess this is a plus, as I now realize it's more hurtful to be lonely with someone than to be lonely when I'm alone. I allowed myself to be isolated, and once I broke free I felt so much better. Having moved again has again somewhat put me again in that position, and I'm working on that.

I wish his appearance would have changed as he did. It would make it so much easier knowing that you are no longer married to the same man. Or who you thought that man was.

The not so pleasant - a family member has a terminal illness. I saw him this weekend, and the progression of the disease is heartbreaking. I'm ashamed to admit that I asked myself why it couldn't be my husband instead of him or that I sometimes wish he would just die. As a child I thought these things about my father too.

Last night he went fishing for the third night in a row. One son is at camp and the other is here. He has stopped asking our youngest to go fishing. I suggested he take him to the pond by the park so he can play when he gets bored. I think he doesn't want to do that because he can't drink at the park. This just actually occurred to me last night. I made dinner and we ate without him. He came home obviously buzzed and fell asleep shortly thereafter. I used to get upset when he fell asleep, and now I pray that he does. My son didn't want him to sleep though, and that does hurt.

For what it's worth - I used to be married to an alcoholic with whom I had a child. I am a MUCH better and happier parent as a single mom than I was as a married one. Tons of hard work, but I know that my daughter is at least partially sheltered from the influences of her father's disease, and I am no longer having to "work around" his emotional manipulation and triangulation on a daily basis in order to connect with my daughter.