dating an alcoholic need perspective
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by LVT777 
I didn’t know he had a problem at first I just thought he liked to have a drink here or there after work but I started to notice he would miss work a lot and if he spent the night at my house he would be in a rush to get home and drink again.
But the truth is - it's impossible to have a relationship with an active alcoholic. He cares more about the bottle than anything or anyone in his life, including you, including himself.
You do not deserve to be with someone who makes you feel like there is something wrong with you. You are only 30! There is so much out there that is better for you than this and I am so glad you are realizing it.
You sound thoughtful, intelligent and caring - don't spend anymore time on this guy. Take what you learned about how you want and how you deserve to be treated in a relationship and move on to greener pastures. He needs to figure his stuff out if he is ever going to be any good for anyone - and you do not need to hang around waiting and hoping he will do that.
*hugs*
Last edited by GreenEyes02; 10-19-2017 at 10:27 AM. Reason: grammar
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by honeypig
But your ABF is NOT helpless. He may seem that way, but he is a human and has the means to seek out help in the form of detox, AA, rehab, therapy, and so on. The fact that he does not do so is NOT proof that he's helpless and thus needs YOU to take care of him. It is only proof that he's just not interested in recovery at this point. And as others have already said, there is no point in trying to compete for his affections w/his addiction.
Take your tender heart and your gift of healing and turn it towards those who can appreciate it.
And let me take the opportunity to thank you and all the other animal caregivers who've helped me w/all my canine friends over the years. Bless you, one and all, for your kindness and patience and love of all living things.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by GreenEyes02
LVT - I get it. I didn't realize at first too. I was naïve and it took me longer than 5 months to figure it out. My xAbf missed a lot of work too due to "being sick" (read: drinking his brains out all day). He also liked to rush home in the morning, presumably to drink in peace for a few hours.
But the truth is - it's impossible to have a relationship with an active alcoholic. He cares more about the bottle than anything or anyone in his life, including you, including himself.
You do not deserve to be with someone who makes you feel like there is something wrong with you. You are only 30! There is so much out there that is better for you than this and I am so glad you are realizing it.
You sound thoughtful, intelligent and caring - don't spend anymore time on this guy. Take what you learned about how you want and how you deserve to be treated in a relationship and move on to greener pastures. He needs to figure his stuff out if he is ever going to be any good for anyone - and you do not need to hang around waiting and hoping he will do that.
*hugs*
But the truth is - it's impossible to have a relationship with an active alcoholic. He cares more about the bottle than anything or anyone in his life, including you, including himself.
You do not deserve to be with someone who makes you feel like there is something wrong with you. You are only 30! There is so much out there that is better for you than this and I am so glad you are realizing it.
You sound thoughtful, intelligent and caring - don't spend anymore time on this guy. Take what you learned about how you want and how you deserve to be treated in a relationship and move on to greener pastures. He needs to figure his stuff out if he is ever going to be any good for anyone - and you do not need to hang around waiting and hoping he will do that.
*hugs*
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
I actually think he is an alcoholic with narcissistic tendencies. He shows no compassion or sympathy and it's all on his terms. Be very careful moving forward and do some research. I was involved with one once and he very nearly killed me.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 40
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic for a parent. Then I married an alcoholic. It wasn’t until my oldest child got married that I closely saw what a loving marriage really was.
You are in an awful & abusive relationship. You deserve a man who will treat you lovingly & with the utmost respect. Run as fast as you can from this alcoholic. And if you don’t then make sure you don’t become pregnant. Don’t bring a child into this disfunctional relationship.
Good luck.
You are in an awful & abusive relationship. You deserve a man who will treat you lovingly & with the utmost respect. Run as fast as you can from this alcoholic. And if you don’t then make sure you don’t become pregnant. Don’t bring a child into this disfunctional relationship.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
LVT - I say all of this with kindness but please re-read your post and think about what on earth you are receiving from this relationship?! Relationships are a two way street, not just giving but also receiving. This person, alcoholic or not treats you poorly and the alcohol just adds to the horribleness.
Please take a step back and look in the mirror and if you don't see someone who is worthy of love, then I encourage you to find a therapist to help you get to the root of that problem.
I entered into a relationship 9 years ago with my STBXAH and he treated me wonderfully, although I knew he drank too much. I thought I could love him and show him a better way and I realize that was my mistake right there. I am learning now I not only deserve but WANT reciprocal love.
It all seems pretty dramatic and I wonder if you might be more attracted to the drama of it all than the actual person which again is something you should think about. There are healthy people out there, please don't think you can fix this person because it doesn't even sound like he wants your fixing.....
Please take a step back and look in the mirror and if you don't see someone who is worthy of love, then I encourage you to find a therapist to help you get to the root of that problem.
I entered into a relationship 9 years ago with my STBXAH and he treated me wonderfully, although I knew he drank too much. I thought I could love him and show him a better way and I realize that was my mistake right there. I am learning now I not only deserve but WANT reciprocal love.
It all seems pretty dramatic and I wonder if you might be more attracted to the drama of it all than the actual person which again is something you should think about. There are healthy people out there, please don't think you can fix this person because it doesn't even sound like he wants your fixing.....
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Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Why are you dating an alcoholic, someone who is abusive to you? This is what I had to ask myself after time in a disastrous relationship. In my case it was low self esteem, a belief I wasn't worthy of a healthy relationship. Alanon helped me see my part in my own unhappiness and make a clean break. A big hug.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by BAW81
LVT - I say all of this with kindness but please re-read your post and think about what on earth you are receiving from this relationship?! Relationships are a two way street, not just giving but also receiving. This person, alcoholic or not treats you poorly and the alcohol just adds to the horribleness.
Please take a step back and look in the mirror and if you don't see someone who is worthy of love, then I encourage you to find a therapist to help you get to the root of that problem.
I entered into a relationship 9 years ago with my STBXAH and he treated me wonderfully, although I knew he drank too much. I thought I could love him and show him a better way and I realize that was my mistake right there. I am learning now I not only deserve but WANT reciprocal love.
It all seems pretty dramatic and I wonder if you might be more attracted to the drama of it all than the actual person which again is something you should think about. There are healthy people out there, please don't think you can fix this person because it doesn't even sound like he wants your fixing.....
Please take a step back and look in the mirror and if you don't see someone who is worthy of love, then I encourage you to find a therapist to help you get to the root of that problem.
I entered into a relationship 9 years ago with my STBXAH and he treated me wonderfully, although I knew he drank too much. I thought I could love him and show him a better way and I realize that was my mistake right there. I am learning now I not only deserve but WANT reciprocal love.
It all seems pretty dramatic and I wonder if you might be more attracted to the drama of it all than the actual person which again is something you should think about. There are healthy people out there, please don't think you can fix this person because it doesn't even sound like he wants your fixing.....
I think my own self-esteem and insecurity issues have caused me to let someone devalue me and I am now working on loving myself and putting as much energy as I did in him into myself. I also decided to help others in a healthy way and I am doing volunteer work. I have learned alot from this experience and its helped me determine what I want and expect from a relationship and I will hold out until I find the right guy. I still hope he is well and that he can battle his own demons but it is not my place to solve his issues and as you said the drama of it all is unhealthy.
I want to say thank you to you and everyone on here for all of the wise insight and advice it has made a difference in my life and the fact that I can just log in and re-read and remind myself that I have so much support means so much!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
You just made my day with your post, truly! I am excited for you. I'm still learning about relationships, exploring my past, so that I can make the most of my future.
Here's to a life of healthy loving relationships filled with give and take in equal parts. Best of luck to you.
Here's to a life of healthy loving relationships filled with give and take in equal parts. Best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by LVT777
BAW81 after reading all of the posts I sat down and reflected on this "relationship" I agree that relationships are a two way street and this has been a struggle, me trying to convince this person to care about me the way I care about them. It became clear to me that I care and he does not alcohol issue aside. This is the hardest thing I have had to come to terms with. Even though I know he has a problem with alcohol I still cared for him.
I think my own self-esteem and insecurity issues have caused me to let someone devalue me and I am now working on loving myself and putting as much energy as I did in him into myself. I also decided to help others in a healthy way and I am doing volunteer work. I have learned alot from this experience and its helped me determine what I want and expect from a relationship and I will hold out until I find the right guy. I still hope he is well and that he can battle his own demons but it is not my place to solve his issues and as you said the drama of it all is unhealthy.
I want to say thank you to you and everyone on here for all of the wise insight and advice it has made a difference in my life and the fact that I can just log in and re-read and remind myself that I have so much support means so much!
I think my own self-esteem and insecurity issues have caused me to let someone devalue me and I am now working on loving myself and putting as much energy as I did in him into myself. I also decided to help others in a healthy way and I am doing volunteer work. I have learned alot from this experience and its helped me determine what I want and expect from a relationship and I will hold out until I find the right guy. I still hope he is well and that he can battle his own demons but it is not my place to solve his issues and as you said the drama of it all is unhealthy.
I want to say thank you to you and everyone on here for all of the wise insight and advice it has made a difference in my life and the fact that I can just log in and re-read and remind myself that I have so much support means so much!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
Sometimes it's so hard to just take a deep breath and cut your losses.
I know you've invested quite a bit in him already and have developed some degree of attachment (especially if there is a sexual bond), and there's always the "what if there's nobody else/better for me" in the back of our heads, or this would be easy. Also as an empath if you are, it's hard to walk away from someone who could clearly use your love, nurturing and support.
Reality is he can't even accept your love or return it in this condition, and it will get worse.
Big hugs to you, time heals.
I know you've invested quite a bit in him already and have developed some degree of attachment (especially if there is a sexual bond), and there's always the "what if there's nobody else/better for me" in the back of our heads, or this would be easy. Also as an empath if you are, it's hard to walk away from someone who could clearly use your love, nurturing and support.
Reality is he can't even accept your love or return it in this condition, and it will get worse.
Big hugs to you, time heals.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by LVT777
BAW81 after reading all of the posts I sat down and reflected on this "relationship" I agree that relationships are a two way street and this has been a struggle, me trying to convince this person to care about me the way I care about them. It became clear to me that I care and he does not alcohol issue aside. This is the hardest thing I have had to come to terms with. Even though I know he has a problem with alcohol I still cared for him.
I think my own self-esteem and insecurity issues have caused me to let someone devalue me and I am now working on loving myself and putting as much energy as I did in him into myself. I also decided to help others in a healthy way and I am doing volunteer work. I have learned alot from this experience and its helped me determine what I want and expect from a relationship and I will hold out until I find the right guy. I still hope he is well and that he can battle his own demons but it is not my place to solve his issues and as you said the drama of it all is unhealthy.
I want to say thank you to you and everyone on here for all of the wise insight and advice it has made a difference in my life and the fact that I can just log in and re-read and remind myself that I have so much support means so much!
I think my own self-esteem and insecurity issues have caused me to let someone devalue me and I am now working on loving myself and putting as much energy as I did in him into myself. I also decided to help others in a healthy way and I am doing volunteer work. I have learned alot from this experience and its helped me determine what I want and expect from a relationship and I will hold out until I find the right guy. I still hope he is well and that he can battle his own demons but it is not my place to solve his issues and as you said the drama of it all is unhealthy.
I want to say thank you to you and everyone on here for all of the wise insight and advice it has made a difference in my life and the fact that I can just log in and re-read and remind myself that I have so much support means so much!
Give it all the time it needs!
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