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Sincere vs. empty apologies

Old 10-18-2017, 03:46 AM
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Sincere vs. empty apologies

A go-to apologetic phrase I receive from my husband is "I'm sorry I made you mad." It's a bs phrase and an empty apology. Quite often said to me when I'm not mad, and then I have tried explaining I'm not mad... and it gets even further away from any apology.

What furthered my ignoring how bad this phrase is... other people saying, "at least he's trying." What they don't know and don't see is all the abuse. The more support I get from domestic violence help centers, the more open I am to seeing things differently.

If you owe the person an apology, then take responsibility for what you did and apologize with sincerity and without exceptions (No: Im sorry I said that, but when you did that it made me so mad). Apologize for your behavior and not the other persons reaction (Im sorry I was so late to pick you up not Im sorry I made you mad.)
This. Apologize for your behavior, not my reaction to it. I'm finding words to use to support my own recovery.
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Old 10-18-2017, 04:01 AM
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What counts to me is the behavior after the apology regarding the what was apologised about. That is were the intention and sincerity shows.
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Old 10-18-2017, 04:06 AM
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I'm so used to the cycle of abuse... the behavior after the apology has always been really wonderful. I have had a very hard time seeing the long-term behavior.

Abuse me...

I'll accept it.

Abuse me...

Give me empty apologies.

Abuse me....

Be really kind to me. (The abusers way of saying "don't tell anyone --not even yourself -- about the abuse")

And the cycle repeats over time... again... and again.
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Old 10-18-2017, 04:14 AM
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Note: I've stepped away from the abuse. I'm learning how to have healthy relationships. From my experiences, this may take some time.
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Old 10-18-2017, 04:19 AM
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Maybe I can clarify myself abit better.

Its the behavior regarding what was discussed in the apology.

If the apology was say about breaking a mug while drunk and they apologize saying they sorry won't do it again etc etc. If they keep breaking a mug while drunk then it is not sincere to me. Even if he is nice about everything else. He still was not sincere about his apology.

Genuinely sorry people tend to try and make it up so won't "forget" what they promised.

Silly example but I hope it makes my point.
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Old 10-18-2017, 04:23 AM
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Thank you for pointing out the abusive behaviour about your ex. So important to make other aware that are in a similar situation.

Don't keep quiet about abuse - its not okay.
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Old 10-18-2017, 06:20 AM
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When we tell a person that they hurt us, they don’t get to decide that they didn’t.

I never listen to someone’s apology I watch for it. Words vs behaviors are so very different.
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Old 10-18-2017, 06:23 AM
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I also have learnt to watch behaviours rather than listen to words.

Saying sorry means nothing without changing the behaviour.
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Old 10-18-2017, 06:37 AM
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That is the only type of apology I ever received, and I agree, it is not an apology. What changed is that I don't need an apology from my XAH. I am smart enough to know he will never ever admit to ANYONE, not just me, when he is wrong. He is mentally unable to even think in his own head he is wrong. I told him that he will die an old, lonely person b/c eventually he will burn all his bridges, and I truly believe that.

So happy that my own mindset has changed.
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