Poppet35

I'm so ashamed.
OH and I were having a heated discussion over something . I was doing my usual JADEing trying to understand why these little things bug her, get her to believe me that these things happening when she got home from working away were coincidences. I know I should have just said "You can believe what you want to believe". I get so confused. She's laying it on that I don't care but won't do anything to help herself get better. (its too long a repetivtive story)
Anyway, things escalated, I did something childish and she told me to leave her alone. I didn't and followed her at which she demanded I leave the room and slammed the door in my face. So i kicked it and told her to f*** off.
I lost my temper and lashed out, and all i needed to do was walk away and stop the conversation because I knew I was getting frustrated and angry and confused - why couldn't I see what was happening and stop it before it did.
I'm not looking for sympathy just wanted to write something down to get it out of my head.
I have a broken toe, and she is barely speaking to me (she's helping my kids out but anything to do with me - no - which is fair enough).
I've apologised for my disgusting behaviour and don't know what to do now. Discuss what happened or just let things settle?

Mountainmanbob

Sometimes the best way to show love is to say nothing at all. When I practice this during those magic moments that are not really that magic things go so much smoother and I do not have to apologize later.

Takes practice -- a fool is one who fools themself -- I sure do get tired of that.

Pick up the pieces apologize and try not to do it again.

M-Bob

hopeful4

So basically nothing has changed then has it Poppet? You were spending all sorts of time getting her to try to change her thought process, it did not work, and now this time it finally has pi$$ed you off. I hate that you broke your toe, but I also think it's not a bad thing that you got mad my gentle friend.

You are Poppet, not Puppet.

Big hugs.

SparkleKitty

When I was dealing with a lot of confusion in my relationships, the only thing that ever made any difference and allowed me some clarity was distance + time.

Poppet35

I do get wound up but it's the first time I've lashed out at something she's stood behind. My toilet bin has a small dent...I'm no angel when I get so confused and frustrated. But I usually use bad language by myself away from her.
Things had been improving but...now they're even worse.

I take full responsibility for still being in this relationship - I don't seem to be able to let go. Keep thinking, one more change, one more conversation. Always one more something.

Do I need to see someone about my temper do you think?

This is all so ridiculous - it started off badly when she got home because I asked for a little help in one thing in making a roast dinner, she then took it upon herself to cook, it then escalated because a dvd box hadn't been put away, the kids left a light on. This told her I'd let everything slide whilst she was away and made her an ogre. It's these teeny tiny things. And she went on and on that I was lying when I said that I hadn't. I should have stopped there but I tried to convince her getting more and more frustrated.

dandylion

Poppet.....I think it would be a better idea to see someone about why you are staying in such a relationship for such a long time....
I am not encouraging radical temper outbursts....but, I can see that you are upset about this....probably, because this is so out of character for you....
When a person gets to this point , where they are behaving in ways that are not themselves.....I think that is a huge red flag that the relationship is damaging to them.....

Ariesagain

Your temper is not the problem.

Your toxic relationship is.

SparkleKitty

Poppet, please don't add your previously non-existent temper to the list of things you think you need to change about yourself in order to improve your relationship.

Nothing you change about yourself will change her.

Nothing. Not one thing.

hopeful4

This. Friend, when I was in a bad relationship my temper was terrible. It was one of the things that finally made me decide to make a change. Not only was I miserable, I was becoming miserable to others around me. It was changing who I was, and the person I was becoming was not who I want to be.

Gentle hugs friend.

Sasha1972

It does concern me that this is the first time you've lashed out in this way (not that you should have lashed out sooner - but that it sounds like this is an escalation from the way you behaved previously). You might want to seek help for anger (or seek reinforcement for your strategies for dealing with anger - it sounds like you understand pretty clearly why yelling and kicking things is not okay and you're not trying to justify it or excuse yourself).

I'm concerned that there might be another episode in which someone gets hurt, and it would be really difficult to get over that (and because you sound like a decent person, I imagine the guilt and self-recrimination that might come after a violent outburst would be pretty devastating).

Poppet35

I would never ever lash out at her. Never.

Years ago I ended up on Sertraline because my temper had become explosive (verbally nothing else) and I was always so easily tipped over the edge. I took myself to the dr beccause I realised something wasn't right. I'm nowhere near that place anymore. Not long before this we breifly split up.

I have been so much calmer and better able to deal with problems. I just get so confused - I don't understand what she is trying to get at, or quite what it is I've done or not done and I don't understand why she thinks everything I say is bull****. I get so confused.

She stayed up all night drinking because she refuses to be anywhere near me at the moment. So now she is sleeping and I am at my desk. The other night when she came to bed I heard her mutter "I need to get away from you"

And yesterday she told me what the surpise 40th birthday treat she'd planned for me and shared with my kids was going to be in December - it was supposed to be a surprise. I don't really feel upset that I know but desperately upset for my kids.

I could take a break to my parents and give her some space (am going to see them later next week but could go earlier) or we have a few days by ourselves without the kids to discuss things. I don't know which is best.

I don't want to let go despite knowing she doesn't love me. I know this doesn't serve me well and things are calmer and easier when she is working away but still I try to mend things because I remember how things used to be. Altho - all was defintiely not rosey even then if I'm honest with myself.

She said her anger from Tuesday has turned to sadness - I want to talk about what happened but don't know if I should give her space. I'm not sleeping properly because of my foot so am having to work extra hard to keep all the balls I juggle in the air.

This disaster ball started rolling when I expressed concern for her wellbeing as she had told me her breast had been painful for 2 weeks - i asked if she'd thought more about seeing a dr. And it went downhill from there. I simply expressed concern because I was worried it could be something serious. And it was me that ended up seeing a Dr instead.

Seren

Do you like who you are around this person? If you do, good. If not, why allow yourself to be twisted so?

NYCDoglvr

Alanon resulted in me getting tools to help control my emotions, to not react and walk away. I recommend it.

dandylion

Poppet....from where I sit,I think you are showing signs of being an abuse victim.
Mind you, one doesn't have to be hit or even touched to be abused.....
I am talking about your reactions.....like those of a person who has been wounded on the inside....
I suggest that you get an appointment with a local domestic violence center counselor....This is what they are for....living in verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse...and, it leaves scars....and, it erodes your self confidence and your sense of self....
Surely, you can escape for short periods of time...long enough to see a counselor? You just say that you are seeking self improvement, if you are challenged about it. Otherwise, I wouldn't mention it......

Ariesagain

I’ve said this before but I’m going to try again. Your relationship by any positive or even neutral definition is long over. But you are going to stand there in the wreckage arguing about whose fault it is forever.

Your life. Your choice.

P.S. “She stayed up all night drinking because she refuses to be anywhere near me at the moment. ” Nonsense. She stayed up all night drinking because she’s an alcoholic and as long as she can blame you she will never have to face that reality.

AnvilheadII

or we have a few days by ourselves without the kids to discuss things. I don't know which is best.

if i recall, NOT ONE of your "discussions" has ever resulted in any true change in the direction of this farce of a relationship.

i really feel for you kids.....they are stuck in the middle and none of the adults are willing to make a positive move for THEIR benefit.

AnvilheadII

i also wouldn't put it past her to try and gain custody of your kids in the event of a break up.....not out of love or caring, but out of pure spite. she's the breadwinner, and has systematically made you out to look like the unstable one.