It's over and I'm so alone

Old 10-17-2017, 07:03 PM
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Unhappy It's over and I'm so alone

My husband and I have been married over 20years. We have 4 kids, 3 of which are grown and out of the house. Well, 2 are in college, so not completely out. Anyway, AH started drinking heavily around 12 years ago. It started when his best friend was going through a horrible divorce. I called that period of time his rock star years cuz they both acted like they were rock stars. Idiots. He got a DUI and stopped for a year or 2.

Of course started back up again and about 3 years ago got pulled over on the way home from a baseball tournament with my DS in the car. 10 pm I get a call from AH saying I need to pick him up now. WTF? He really had no idea where he was. He just told me the town name and vague directions. I finally find him. The cop tells me he's doing him a huge favor. No ****, I told him please arrest him. I'll take my son. Nope, small ass town doesn't have a jail and I'm assuming the cop didn't want the extra work. I was pissed. I needed AH to realize how messed up he was. I'm pretty sure a parent from baseball called police. I never said anything. I was too embarrassed. He continued to drink. No more driving DS.

So, a year ago a job transfer comes up. At this point he's only drinking on the weekends. Rarely during the week. He says this move will be a fresh start. Less stress from his job now, just a great move all around. So we move. 900 miles away from our older 3 kids and grandkids. We bring his mom with because I like her, yeah, I know. lol

He was here 2 months before we got here. I figured he was drinking but not like he really was. He drinks every night. Not just a few beers. Probably a 12 pack. I call him out on it and he says he'll stop. Nope. He leaves for work around 6am and doesn't get home until anywhere between 8-10. Every night. Drunk. So I start looking at receipts. He's shopping! He's buying so much crap we don't need. Clothes for himself, random food and fast food for himself. He's in the neighborhood shopping and drinking. And driving. I'm just waiting for the phone call from jail. He's also missed 3 days for work from drinking. It doesn't seem like a lot but that's more then he's missed in 20 years of working.

I first thought he was having an affair. I'm 98% sure he's not. He's just too drunk when he comes home. There's other more personal reasons I don't think he's cheating.

He has some major health issues due to his drinking. He's over weight, high blood pressure, his liver numbers were elevated, all his blood work came back jacked up. He snores so bad I'm sure the neighbors can hear. He regularly falls asleep while eating. I'm terrified he'll choke and die in his sleep.

One of our older kids was here for the week. Saturday DS had baseball so AH took him. He ended up dropping DS off at the school to play football around noon, after baseball. Around 1 DS calls me asking where I am cuz he's locked out of the house. WTF?! Where's AH? Can't find him. Not answering my calls or texts. I had to leave where I was to let DS in. By the time I got home AH was there. DRUNK! It was 1:15!!! I have no idea if he started drinking at baseball or what. I lost my ****. I screamed at him and told him I hated him and I was done. I haven't said a word to him since then.

I told him today I'm looking for a lawyer. His response, ok, im finally happy with my job and I'm not changing. Wtf? I text back and say you do realize this has nothing to do with your job? No response.

I just don't know what to do. Im finally working. Part time but I can get full time hours. I make enough here to support myself. I don't want to move back home. I mean, all my friends and my older kids are there but I made **** back there.

I have no friends here. I have no idea if I should leave and find an apartment for DS and I or if I should stay in the house. We rent, if that makes a difference. I'm not even sure I could file for divorce in this state. We've been here since January.

I don't want a divorce. I want my husband back. He just wants to drink. His mom knows he's drinking. I'm not sure if she realizes it's as bad as it is though. I don't want to discuss it with her. Alcoholism runs in his family and she has very strong feelings towards it.

I just don't know what to do.
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Old 10-17-2017, 09:49 PM
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I don't want a divorce. I want my husband back.
I think most of us here wanted that, too. I know I sure did. Unfortunately, it wasn't something that I could make happen, no matter how I tried. You won't be able to, either--it has to be his decision, and from what you've posted, he is far, far away from that.

I would suggest reading around the forum as much as you possibly can--there is so much information and inspiration here. While you are certainly in a painful, awful situation, others have been where you are now and have found a path out of hell and into peace and happiness.

I would also suggest looking into Alanon. Alanon, together w/SR, was a great resource for support and education about alcoholism for me. Sounds like at least one of your children is old enough for Alateen, too.

And last, I'd schedule a consult w/a lawyer in your area to see what your legal rights are. A lawyer can answer your questions about leaving the house, whether you can file in your new location, etc. Many offer a free initial consult, so don't mess around, get the facts.

You and your kids deserve much better. By coming here, you've taken the first step in that direction. Good for you. Keep on reading and posting, and please do take action as soon as you can on the Alanon and lawyer consult.

It may be over, pp, but you are most emphatically NOT alone.
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Old 10-17-2017, 10:26 PM
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pinkpomello......I am giving you this link to a website that I think can be helpful to you......It is an educational website about divorce, and, covers most areas of concern about divorce. It is arranged by state.....
It is not meant to replace your lawyer, of course, but it can help you to begin to organize your thoughts and help you to know what questions to ask....

It helps to know what your right are......

Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from
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Old 10-17-2017, 10:38 PM
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Thanks. At this moment I'm listening to him throw up in the bathroom. This has become a weekly thing. I'm not sure if it's from too much beer or because he eats while laying down and he's drunk. KWIM? Of course he told me it's because he coughs so much from the blood pressure meds. I said bull crap. He's was doing this long before he started the meds.

I think it's time I slept in the extra bedroom.
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Old 10-18-2017, 12:17 AM
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Iím sorry for what you are going through. I have just recently decided to be down with my AW as well and it is not an easy choice to make. But I have faith in this site for the support that they have shown me in the last few weeks here. Just have to stay strong and look at the bigger future and the happiness that come with it. It is only day one with me and I already feel relieved in what I choose because I no longer have to put up with her and her drinking. It will get better and that what you need to strive for. Keep on posting and keep your head up.
Hugs to you as this is not easy but one foot I front of the other.
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Old 10-18-2017, 01:00 AM
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I originally didn't want to reply because I know how it hurts and words don't feel enough some times. But I will add my experience so you know you are not alone.

When we first split I lived minute to minute literally. I remember walking from the shop back home (didn't have a car which added to my feeling of hopelessness) concentrating on one foot in front of the other. I was so distraught I had to focus to be able to do a simple thing like walking.

Minutes felt like hours and all I did was cry.

I journalled how dark everything felt even though the sun was shining and birds was singing. I was emotionally "frozen".

People around me were living life talking and carrying on with everyday stuff. I felt like I was in a " invisible box" compared to them. They couldn't relate to me or what I was going through. I couldn't even try to explain.

Fast forward a few years. I am living my life without my xa and things are so much better. I have a calm clean place of my own. I am no longer drained all the time mentally and emotionally. My confidence has grown. I have a better relantionship with myself and others because i had the space to work on me instead of working to improve someone else. My finances are picking up nicely - I just get by and by no means rich but I am independent.

I look back at what I wanted with the xa. It was a projection of what could've been and not how it really was. I wasn't really happy and tolerated most of it. I was in denial. It hurt to leave. But it is sooooo much better.
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Old 10-18-2017, 06:13 AM
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Dear Pomelo
I am so very sorry for your situation. Your husband sounds like a very sick man.

I have come to view situations like ours in a similar way to Tuberculosis. Now matter how much you love your partner, if you don't move away from them, you get infected. Unfortunately, partners of active alcoholics sometimes die of stress before they do.

I know this is a difficult time for you. You are SO fed up, but the prospect of deciding to end the marriage seems daunting.

Please keep coming back for support.
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Old 10-18-2017, 06:25 AM
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"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Pinkpomelo, you should smart and brave. I don't think you'll be alone if you leave. I think you'll have friends, eventually you can rebuild your life. That is what I am hoping for myself, anyway.
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Old 10-18-2017, 06:47 AM
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Sorry to see you going through such a tough time. I hope things improve for you and your husband.
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Old 10-18-2017, 07:18 AM
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Right now you aren't in a place where you have reached the end of your rope. You saying you want your husband means you still think you can get what you had back. That's not's just that you don't see that will never happen.

If you can, try to see life without him. Without the drunk cop calls, without the DUI, without being "98%" sure he's not deserve to have positive things to live for, not the drama he's handing you that you have accepted.

Get therapy and/or AA for you and your kids...learn, or re-learn, where your boundaries are and start sticking to them. You are allowing this to control your life. The fact that you came here says you know things are not right, at the same time feeling you just don't want to see it end. There's an in-between right now that will help you start to find your way through this.
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Old 10-18-2017, 09:01 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
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Thanks everyone. I was up late last night reading so much. It's horrible how many lives are hurt by alcohol.

He texted saying he knows he has a problem and wants to quit but can't do it alone. No he can't but I'm not making appointments or finding a meeting for him. Been there, done that. He needs to do it.
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Old 10-18-2017, 09:29 AM
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pinkpomelo.....he won't be alone, if he reaches for recovery....he wil have all of the members of AA behind him, as well as a sponsor and counselor who are there for him....
I suspect he is saying...."Don't leave me"....?
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Old 10-18-2017, 09:44 AM
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You are right. He has to want it enough to fight for it for the rest of his life, every day.
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