It's been awhile...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 27
It's been awhile...
It's been awhile since I last posted. I guess you could say that life got in the way in a sense but I've still been reading others' posts and trying to turn to my counselor, my faith, and friends to deal with AH's drinking but my internal struggle dealing with it is still very present.
As many of you pointed out would happen, I believe my AH's drinking is getting worse. He's a binge drinker, a weekend warrior. It starts Friday evenings after he gets off work when he has upwards of what used to be 15-18 beers and now has started to turn into 21-24 beers. This continues into Saturday when he starts around lunchtime and goes until 1-2am, consuming another 24 or so beers. Some weekends are "better" where he drinks less, but on average this is where it's at. If it's a long weekend or he's off the next day he drinks. He hasn't gotten to the point he's drinking daily that I know of and he doesn't seem to hide any of it from me (of course I know by your posts that I could be wrong). Like most alcoholics he's so far in denial that he thinks there's nothing wrong with his drinking ("I like the taste of beer" etc.) and acts like I am being over dramatic anytime I say anything about the quantity he drinks. He's not mean or nasty when he drinks. If anything he becomes annoying and overly affectionate, wanting to hug and kiss all over me. The day after his weekend binge he never admits he's hungover yet lays on the couch all day, eats junk food, and watches TV/naps. Monday comes and I have four days/evenings of a sober husband which for now is what is keeping me around since we don't have any kids.
My point in this post really is to just vent. Sometimes I don't feel like I can sit and watch this man I love continue to slowly kill himself weekend after weekend. I'm not to the point where I am ready to blow up my life and deep down it's not getting better so I know eventually I am going to have to make a hard decision. I try detaching and doing things for myself and it helps some. I just wondered for those who stayed with your AH, how did you deal with the pain of seeing someone you love slip further and further away with each drink?
Thanks for reading
As many of you pointed out would happen, I believe my AH's drinking is getting worse. He's a binge drinker, a weekend warrior. It starts Friday evenings after he gets off work when he has upwards of what used to be 15-18 beers and now has started to turn into 21-24 beers. This continues into Saturday when he starts around lunchtime and goes until 1-2am, consuming another 24 or so beers. Some weekends are "better" where he drinks less, but on average this is where it's at. If it's a long weekend or he's off the next day he drinks. He hasn't gotten to the point he's drinking daily that I know of and he doesn't seem to hide any of it from me (of course I know by your posts that I could be wrong). Like most alcoholics he's so far in denial that he thinks there's nothing wrong with his drinking ("I like the taste of beer" etc.) and acts like I am being over dramatic anytime I say anything about the quantity he drinks. He's not mean or nasty when he drinks. If anything he becomes annoying and overly affectionate, wanting to hug and kiss all over me. The day after his weekend binge he never admits he's hungover yet lays on the couch all day, eats junk food, and watches TV/naps. Monday comes and I have four days/evenings of a sober husband which for now is what is keeping me around since we don't have any kids.
My point in this post really is to just vent. Sometimes I don't feel like I can sit and watch this man I love continue to slowly kill himself weekend after weekend. I'm not to the point where I am ready to blow up my life and deep down it's not getting better so I know eventually I am going to have to make a hard decision. I try detaching and doing things for myself and it helps some. I just wondered for those who stayed with your AH, how did you deal with the pain of seeing someone you love slip further and further away with each drink?
Thanks for reading
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Loneshewolf.
If I may suggest, Al-Anon or therapy or both could be helpful to clarifying your thinking with regard to your marriage.
The day to dayness of living with an addict colors our reality.
One of the most chilling things to me is how someone who drinks too much is able to normalize the dysfunctional behavior.
You say you are not ready to blow up your life.
Currently, by your post, you have four days of normalcy, two days of a sappy drunk and, if a long weekend, one day of someone who is clearly hungover and not present for you.
So, this is a life?
Not trying to be snarky. I just can’t see why you would want this for yourself.
You don’t have children, so one less thing to hold you to this uneven marriage.
Last thing, then I promise to stop.
Alcoholism is progressive. Your spouse may limit his drinking to weekends now, but I would bet that in time it will bleed over into weekdays.
My question is, and I may have asked it of you in earlier posts: where do you see yourself and your marriage in 5 years, 10?
You love him. Does he love you?
More than alcohol?
If I may suggest, Al-Anon or therapy or both could be helpful to clarifying your thinking with regard to your marriage.
The day to dayness of living with an addict colors our reality.
One of the most chilling things to me is how someone who drinks too much is able to normalize the dysfunctional behavior.
You say you are not ready to blow up your life.
Currently, by your post, you have four days of normalcy, two days of a sappy drunk and, if a long weekend, one day of someone who is clearly hungover and not present for you.
So, this is a life?
Not trying to be snarky. I just can’t see why you would want this for yourself.
You don’t have children, so one less thing to hold you to this uneven marriage.
Last thing, then I promise to stop.
Alcoholism is progressive. Your spouse may limit his drinking to weekends now, but I would bet that in time it will bleed over into weekdays.
My question is, and I may have asked it of you in earlier posts: where do you see yourself and your marriage in 5 years, 10?
You love him. Does he love you?
More than alcohol?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sometimes I don't feel like I can sit and watch this man I love continue to slowly kill himself weekend after weekend.
I think al-anon would be a big benefit for you. If the little ways you are detaching are not working then you need to increase that detachment as best you can.
He knows how much he is drinking he doesn't need you to point out the quantity. That is not detaching.
What does your counselor suggest for your situation?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
Denial and rose colored glasses
Fantasies about a successful future together (my ex talked a good game)
Lots of rationalizing and justifying his behavior like well at least he doesn't (fill in the blank), so he's not that bad
Mistaking pity for love kept me.
Fantasies about a successful future together (my ex talked a good game)
Lots of rationalizing and justifying his behavior like well at least he doesn't (fill in the blank), so he's not that bad
Mistaking pity for love kept me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Loneshewolf.....this is just me...but, I am a great believer in laying all of your cards on the table....just so you know that he knows where you are coming from....
Have you ever asked him to go to detox/rehab?
Even if he is not ready or willing to deal with his drinking.....at least you will know that you have done the right thing....
If he isn't ready to get sober.....you are right, you will have to make some decisions about your own life. So, you might as well get yourself ready for whatever comes because your life must go on....
The standard is to go to alanon or such kind of support group, get your own personal counselor, in addition. And, keep reading here, and continuing to learn......
I wouldn't phrase it "blow my life up".....I think it is preferable to think...create a life for myself where I can thrive and not just exist...
If he isn't ready to make any changes, then, things will only get worse...and, sometimes, worse can come on very fast, when they are already this far along in their disease.
I can see that you are fearing change, just as much as he is. It is typical that we humans will fear change so much that we accept living in our known misery. It feels safer....
jIn the meantime, you might start enforcing some boundaries for your self. It is not a long term solution, but is a tool that can give you a modicum of emotional space....(alanon teaches this)......
for example...tell him that if he is drinking...to keep his physical distance. No hands/no huggy-kissy....
You might, also, sleep in another room or on the couch when he is drinking...not to punish him, but, for your own peace and comfort....
You might begin to detach from his presence when he is drinking...like leave the room or leave the house and pursue you own interests....go shopping, go to movies, go spend the afternoon in the park...and talk to the birds and squirrels...
whatever...lol....go to alanon meetings....go to church.....
Have you ever asked him to go to detox/rehab?
Even if he is not ready or willing to deal with his drinking.....at least you will know that you have done the right thing....
If he isn't ready to get sober.....you are right, you will have to make some decisions about your own life. So, you might as well get yourself ready for whatever comes because your life must go on....
The standard is to go to alanon or such kind of support group, get your own personal counselor, in addition. And, keep reading here, and continuing to learn......
I wouldn't phrase it "blow my life up".....I think it is preferable to think...create a life for myself where I can thrive and not just exist...
If he isn't ready to make any changes, then, things will only get worse...and, sometimes, worse can come on very fast, when they are already this far along in their disease.
I can see that you are fearing change, just as much as he is. It is typical that we humans will fear change so much that we accept living in our known misery. It feels safer....
jIn the meantime, you might start enforcing some boundaries for your self. It is not a long term solution, but is a tool that can give you a modicum of emotional space....(alanon teaches this)......
for example...tell him that if he is drinking...to keep his physical distance. No hands/no huggy-kissy....
You might, also, sleep in another room or on the couch when he is drinking...not to punish him, but, for your own peace and comfort....
You might begin to detach from his presence when he is drinking...like leave the room or leave the house and pursue you own interests....go shopping, go to movies, go spend the afternoon in the park...and talk to the birds and squirrels...
whatever...lol....go to alanon meetings....go to church.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
My therapist told me that I took the hard route divorcing my alcholic husband. The easy way is staying in a marriage that you know will never get better. Whats your plan?
Do you have a job and can support yourself? Do you own a home or things together? Are your finances comingled? If you are not ready to seperate you can work on detailing everything so when you are ready, things will be easier.
Another thing, I am not sure if he drinks and drives (as most addicts do)you will be on the hook if he gets a dui, car accident or kills someone. So I know you are not in any hurry, but this is your potential future. Sending hugs to you!!
Do you have a job and can support yourself? Do you own a home or things together? Are your finances comingled? If you are not ready to seperate you can work on detailing everything so when you are ready, things will be easier.
Another thing, I am not sure if he drinks and drives (as most addicts do)you will be on the hook if he gets a dui, car accident or kills someone. So I know you are not in any hurry, but this is your potential future. Sending hugs to you!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Some people are able to live in the same house as another person but to have quite separate lives, either temporarily or permanently. Is that an option for you? Can you build your own life with your own interests, friends, etc, independent of your husband's drinking? I don't see any reason why you should have to sit and watch him deteriorate in front of you, even if you decide that you do not want to leave the marriage. If he decides he wants to binge-drink on the weekend, is it possible for you to be elsewhere?
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